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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
Diggs · 19/04/2011 16:13

I did sympathize right until the bit about you having an affair , now i think your a cock.

Theres a reason your wife doesnt want to have sex with you , find out what it is .In fact bollocks to find out , im willing to bet anything that shes already told you but you dont listen .Ahes already said that your pressuring her hasnt she . Not many women are ok with having no sex life so im assuming shes not ok with it either .

To be honest all this whinging about needing kisses and cuddles makes me want to peuk , shes your wife , not your mother and if you act like a whingy child demanding affection all the time youll not get it . Have an affair by all means , but chances are if she doesnt want sex with you now , her interest wont be reawakened by finding out about your sordid goings on.
Youll likeley end up in a shit bedsit eating pot noodles in your underpants .

You need to think carefully about this affair nonsense , i actually think you are trying to find reasons to have one , maybe you have already met someone and are already on the road to finding fault with your wife , ie setting her up , pestering her for sex and affection and what a surprise your not getting it , so now your justified .

I wonder how youd feel if she was openly pondering an affair , with a man who doesnt demand kisses and cuddles . Im fairly confident she,ll get many more offers than you will.

Collaborate · 19/04/2011 16:15

"Youll likeley end up in a shit bedsit eating pot noodles in your underpants ."

Very vivid picture in my mind right now!

CornflowerB · 19/04/2011 16:18

I was in a relationship once where I realised that love meant something completely to my partner than it did to me. To him love was all about (a) how I made him feel i.e. good about himself and (b) sex. It was nothing to do with looking after me, looking out for me, putting himself out for me, putting my needs first, getting out of bed in the middle of the night etc... In fact he would constantly make excuses for why he was more tired and why his needs came first. Oh yes, and he bought me nice stuff. But you know what, women with young children do not want to be bought stuff. They want help, real committed help and the knowledge that they are raising their children in a partnership. It is very telling that you think a relationship without sex is like being 'housemates', and suggests that really you are just living your own life and that she is providing the backdrop and, to you, sex is an essential part of this backdrop. So you think the relationship is in trouble because you are not having sex, but really there is an awful lot more to it than that. It is also quite telling that you started doing house work and fixing things around the house and the rest of it when you stopped getting sex. Shouldn't you have been doing all this anyway?

Truckstop · 19/04/2011 16:19

How does the pot-noodle get in his underpants?

Very disturbing.

Nesbo · 19/04/2011 16:20

Wonderfully aggressive and abusive stuff. OP, I think you should particularly embrace that last one about a need for kisses and cuddles being pathetic and vomit worthy. You are a man and should therefore have no need for such affection.

I want to frame this thread

oohlaalaa · 19/04/2011 16:29

I did not like OP quick suggestion of an affair, however Ido not think he deserves the abuse you are giving him, after all he's just a man.

He loves his wife, and a relationship with the wife not wanting intimacy would be frustrating for most men.

I think OP needs to back off his wife for two months, give her space, and then see if she instigates sex, and if not discuss it with her.

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Diggs · 19/04/2011 16:36

OP, I think you should particularly embrace that last one about a need for kisses and cuddles being pathetic and vomit worthy. You are a man and should therefore have no need for such affection.

I didnt say he had no need for physical affection Nesbo , i said his whinging personally makes me want to peuk, and it does .

Affection is only affection when it is given freely. Being mithered and harrassed into giving hugs and kisses ( that you dont want to give ) is a form of bullying in my opinion . Who wants fake affection that is only given under duress ? I dont think id want to go near him either , nothing is more unatractive.

I dont think hes come on here for advice , i think hes come on here to justify an affair to himself . Ive never met anybody ever who thought the way to fix their marriage is to have an affair. So hes justifying an affair or hes even more stupid than he sounds.

A year from now he,ll be able to bleat that hes done everything he could to save the marriage , he even posted on mumsnet for advice.

Ormirian · 19/04/2011 16:38

Please read this nigel. It might help you understand.

I love my DH. He is a good man and he does a lot of things to show that he cares and values me. He buys me gifts that I frequently don't want. He suggests nights out that require me to get dressed up at the end of a long day at work and leave my DC behind even though I've been away from them all day. He does chores and DIY and then presents them to me for approval. They are done to make me happy and I appreciate them as such....but they don't help! What would help is being given a night or two off - knowing that when I get home there will be no-one, not him or the DC, needing anything from me and I can get in the bath, go to bed and read my book alone. A chance to recharge with no strings attached. But it doesn't happen, of course it doesn't, because he is in the same boat as me! We both work, we're both knackered. The only difference is that his sex drive survives this and by and large mine doesn't! Giving me pressies etc is just plastering over the big bloody hole at the middle of our lives. I appreciate it for the effort and kindness involved but it doesn't help at all. The

As far as I am concerned things will change when our lives change and our children are all old enough not to need so much of us. Meanwhile we both compromise. I am not so stupid as not to know he wants more than I give him and I know he knows that sometimes sex is a chore for me but that is just how it is for now.

Would that sort of compromise be enough for you? Do you think you could live with that for a while?

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 19/04/2011 16:41

Agree with StayFr0sty's last post.

OP you do come across as very entitled.

I'll repost a few questions I asked before...

Just exactly, when you do have sex, how much effort do you put into pleasing your wife?

Do you both work? How much do you pull your weight around the house? How much do you parent your children?

You do realise that having sex with your wife when you know she doesn't want to will be more likely to be making the situation worse.

Original poster
Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 16:44

I wonder what reaction this post would have attracted if the title happened to be 'Husband incapable of loving me'.
For some balance it would be great to hear from any women in my situation. Imagine for a moment (ladies) that your husband didn't want to have sex with you, he went to lengths to avoid it and when he felt obliged to have it he put in so little effort he may as well not bothered. He stopped touching you, kissing you, telling you he loved you. All his time and energy was spent on his own pursuits and he did nothing to romance you any more. You wondered why he is no longer attracted to you - what changed. You feel sad, ugly, undesirable. You start to get a little down, you long for the old days when you could turn on your man. Some times you cry about this. You long to be loved, desired, paid a complement - yes maybe you become a bit needy (is that a sin). People tell you - hey it's only sex get over it. But you know it's much more than that. You feel hollow, depressed, uninterested in the things you used to love. You try to fix things - you talk to your husband you research the web and you try everything to get the spark back. Nothing works.
One day you ask the folks on Mums Net if they have any advice because this lack of intimacy is screwing you up. And the kind folks at Mums Net chew your head off because you must be a sex-maniac - now leave your busy husband alone he's quite normal not wanting sex with his wife. Hmmm, I don't think that would have been the case.

OP posts:
bbird1 · 19/04/2011 16:47

'We're only making plans for Nigel'

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 19/04/2011 16:49

Haven't time to read all this thread, but read up on the five love languages - some people (like me) give and accept love as touch and physical affection which includes sex. DH needs words. Because we know this about each other I try hard to tell him in words as well as cuddling and stroking him and he tries hard to stroke, kiss and cuddle me, even when he doesn't really want to for his own sake, because that's how the other one feels love. I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation with her and find out how you can make each other happier and don't fuck anyone else until you've both decided that actually your marriage is over.

TheCrackFox · 19/04/2011 16:50

Nigel, how often are you and your wife having sex?

Your DCs are young and for a lot of women this leads to a loss of libido. In a few years time it will return.

Things you can do to help are doing your fair share of the housework. And this is the important bit ......don't ask for or expect a round of applause for doing the washing up etc. Use your initiative because if she keeps asking you to help it makes her feel like your mother which is a complete turn off.

Has she still got a social life going?

Diggs · 19/04/2011 16:52

If a woman posted the same as you including the bit about considering an affair shed have got the same reaction.

It sounds like your insistant on cracking on you dont know what the problem is , and im finding it hard to beleive that your wife sits tight lipped refusing to discuss it with you . Maybe you havent heard her , maybe youve dismissed her reasons as " excuses " , but either way i cannot beleive she hasnt discussed it with you .

So really , what has she actually said ? Because your saying very little about how she feels or what she wants.

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2011 16:54

Nigel, I have tried to listen and answer your posts with consideration. Look here if you want a woman's point of view..slightly different but read what the other posters thought she should be entitled to

Ormirian · 19/04/2011 16:56

Oh well, forget it then Hmm

I did try.

Collaborate · 19/04/2011 17:00

Nigel - perhaps consider counselling to work out what you want from your marriage.

Diggs · 19/04/2011 17:00

You are insisting on fucking your wife when you know she doesn't want to. I am assuming you come and she doesn't? And here you are complaining that she doesn't pretend hard enough not to be repulsed by what is frankly repulsive behaviour.

I totally agree with that .

I was granted a divorce based on this sort of behaviour . Your not entitled to fuck on your wife Nigel , and i think the fact that you do , whilst knowing she would rather be doing something else , says a lot about why she stays away from you .

Collaborate · 19/04/2011 17:01

Omirian - I thought yours was a good post. suspect Nigel is drowning in all the response though.

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2011 17:03

But i dont think Nigel really WANTS to 'fuck' his wife when she doesnt want to..he wants to know how he can make or..or what to do if she never ever changes her view

Collaborate · 19/04/2011 17:05

dropdeadfred - great link, and vindicates what has been said about double standards.

If that were repeated here, then Nigel's living with a marriage wrecker, we'd post snide comments about her lack of prowess in bed, then tell him to ditch her and acheive his sexual potential elsewhere.

But I supopse it is mumsnet, not dadsnet.

WriterofDreams · 19/04/2011 17:07

Nigel this is supposed to be a discussion but you're ignoring what everyone is saying and you're not responding to any questions. It is very telling that the only time you responded to someone was when they suggested an affair.

Diggs · 19/04/2011 17:08

Then why is he ? He says openly that he knows shed rather be doing something else and that she doesnt make any effort.

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