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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 19/04/2011 15:10

"ie spending time together to grow sexually"

What? Blimey, if DH said that to me I would run for the hills. You can't make someone want to make a big song and dance out of sex if it isn't a big deal for them. Would you be happy with a reasonable brief shag once or twice a week? Or do you really have expectations of a 10 course banquet every night? If the former, you have some hope, if the latter forget it. Sorry but some people are just not that interested and for them sex is take it or leave it thing, and they aren't going to want to take lots of time and effort over it.

You can love someone without wanting to be a sexual athlete and wanting sex to be a huge part of your relationship.

If it's just a question of being happy with regular vanilla-ish sex, keep on with what you are doing and be patient (btw all this 'effort' can be interpreted as grooming. DH buys me some underwear and I know what it's leading to - which is fine now but there was a time when it made me feel like a tart with obligations). If you want much more than that perhaps you need to call it a day.

"This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned." Perhaps she doesn't understand how something as (in her eyes) trivial as sex could destroy a marriage. You need to tell her and then take it from there.

Get0rfMoiLand · 19/04/2011 15:11

I do have a lot of sympathy for people (men and women) in this situation.

But don't think Nigel came on here for guidance and support, that's all i'm saying.

bbird1 · 19/04/2011 15:11

I am supposed to be working but this thread is just class.

Ormirian · 19/04/2011 15:12

"I do think the only way to spark things up and make her wake up would be to either have an affair or make her jellous by spending time with other women (non sexually). This is probably the last card I have to play - in a way, make or break."

No, the last card you have to play is talking to her. Directly and giving her the chance to make her own mind up as to what she wants to do.

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 19/04/2011 15:12

Morality and respect of others are in that hierarchy of needs too though. I don't believe you have an automatic right to sex just because you are married either. Think you both need counselling to sort this out (rather than you going and fucking someone else to 'shake your wife up'). Do you really want to end up as a McDonads Dad?

Ormirian · 19/04/2011 15:13

"if she's nice to the cat it's because the cat doesn't want anything in return. cat has no agenda"

Yes! Ditto the kids.

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2011 15:13

i think Nigel may not be very eloquent but I do think that if he is actiually asking for advice then we should not snarl at him for being honest and saying he considers getting sex elsewhere
i think alot of men and women would consider it (not necessarily act on it)
and wanking is not fulfilling sex..a stop gap maybe but not a real replacement imo

Ormirian · 19/04/2011 15:14

Actually nige, are you my DH Grin

Sorry scrub that, he has too much respect for me to post this on a public forum.

CinnabarRed · 19/04/2011 15:14

Are you doing your share of the housework and childcare?

oohlaalaa · 19/04/2011 15:16

You have a 3 yo and 5 yo, and you love your wife. Pls do not ruin things by having an affair.

Talk to her about it.

bbird1 · 19/04/2011 15:16

Nigel's choices:

  1. Affair
  2. Stay quite and become a porn man
  3. Counselling
I know which I'd plump for.
ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 19/04/2011 15:17

"I only want for my wife - but I need her to be my lover and take in an interest in my sexual fulfulment"

That makes you sound selfish and self centred Hmm Just exactly, when you do have sex, how much effort do you put into pleasing your wife?

Do you both work? How much do you pull your weight around the house? How much do you parent your children?

It sounds to me as if you're concentrating on sex and not the relationship.

bbird1 · 19/04/2011 15:17

2 - that should be quiet

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 19/04/2011 15:18

DDF, I did give the benefit of the doubt but OP seems a bit to keen to jump to an affair so there isn't much advice we can give to improve the relationship.

Original poster
Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 15:20

Thanks guys - I really didn't come for a fight. Just valued a perspective from people in a similar demographic. Some interesting points back that I thank you for that.
I am a good, loving and faithful husband and have been so for the 18 years I have been with my wife. I came asking questions because I am desperate to save everything, and save my marriage.
I didn't expect sympathy - just may maybe some understanding or words of wisdom from people who may have been through similar. Maybe I was just too easy a target to pick off.
All useful stuff though.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 19/04/2011 15:22

May I ask if your wife is a Mumsnetter? Because it's often the case that men in this situation come on here in order to see if they can get other Mumsnetters to agree their wife is in the wrong. Apologies if this isn't the case.

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2011 15:22

Nigel10 - i think your emotions and pride are hurt and you sound like you feel like lashing out..and here is a better place than at home
get it all out here then go home and see if you can get a babysitter one night and have a heartfelt chat with your wife

SunRaysthruClouds · 19/04/2011 15:22

"he has too much respect for me to post this on a public forum" - Ormirian

Now that one made me laugh - has that ever been said to a woman posting similar woes? (and there have been a few)

Nigel - you will have to talk to your wife - then talk some more. But you have to be understanding and accept where whe is coming from if you want your relationship to survive.

Ultimately if she really won't communicate and this is that important to you then I think the only option is to separate

Quodlibet · 19/04/2011 15:24

Nigel, have you read this?

TobyLerone · 19/04/2011 15:24

"he has too much respect for me to post this on a public forum" - Ormirian

Now that one made me laugh - has that ever been said to a woman posting similar woes? (and there have been a few)

Heh. I thought the same.

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 19/04/2011 15:25

We aren't interested in a fight either (you need AIBU for that) and a lot of people here put a lot of time and effort in to helping people through relationship difficulties. If you really want to save your marriage they will help you. If it isn't saveable they will help you end it in a way that minimises damage to all concerned. If you are thinking about having an affair they most likely won't condone it.

LynetteScavo · 19/04/2011 15:29

Nigel, you sound quite needy, and a bit obsessed with sex.

You wife has no sex drive, she admits this, yet, you seem to think because she's married to you she somehow owes you sex...even though marriage is about much, much more than that.

I don't think your wife is pushing you away, I think she is just getting on with life, and you are taking it personally, and are being somewhat childish. My betting would be that your mother lavished you with lots of verbal and physical attention.

Expecting someone with no sex drive to want to have sex with you is a bit like wanting someone who is not at all hungry to eat a three course meal. buying her flowers and sending her to a spa won't magically make her feel hungry.

I think marriage councilling might be a good idea.

Ormirian · 19/04/2011 15:34

What has that got to do with it? I wouldn't post about my partners' sexual inadequacies.

TobyLerone · 19/04/2011 15:34

I don't think he sounds 'obsessed with sex'.

I think she is pushing him away, for reasons mentioned upthread. She is probably concerned that any physical affection from her will be pounced upon immediately and she will be expected to have sex with him. So she's withholding all physical affection so as to avoid that.

It's unfair of and to both parties.

I've done this. We have now been divorced for 7 1/2 years.

Nesbo · 19/04/2011 15:35

The MN hypocrisy on this thread is hysterical! OP you must understand that if a woman comes on asking for advice because her husband seems uninterested in sex posters will bend over backwards to reassure her that it isn't her fault. She will be told that he is being selfish, should take responsibility to sort himself out and that if he can't satisfy her needs she is entitled to dump the twat and find someone with a cock that works properly.

If a man comes on with the same issue posters will bend over backwards to reassure him that it is his fault, that he is being selfish and should take it upon himself to sort it out. If not his saintly wife is perfectly entitled to find someone better.

This is the way of MN. It makes for amusing reading but please don't ever imagine the responses on here aren't incredibly one sided!