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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 19/04/2011 15:37

^agreed

Collaborate · 19/04/2011 15:37

I feel sorry for Nigel. You are all picking on him after all. Don't see what's wrong in him expecting sexual fulfilment out of a marriage. OK, perhaps he's expecting too much. Wandering through the desert that is his bedroom he should be looking for a metaphorical glass of water to slake his thirst rather than some kind of shagfest. But I think the basic premise that he wants sexual fulfilment is basically sound.

Speak to her. Give her time. Having kids does this to people. Trust me.

You're not going to get permission here though to have an affair. Now if it were your wife posting..........

TobyLerone · 19/04/2011 15:38

I also don't think the OP is, or should be made to feel, unreasonable for wanting his wife to want sex. Sex is part of a normal relationship.

Prolesworth · 19/04/2011 15:38

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Collaborate · 19/04/2011 15:41

Class Nesbo Grin

FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 15:41

he isnt just asking for sex, he is asking to feel loved, that means cuddles, kisses, affection, no relationship can survive without some kind of affection.

I couldnt live in a relationship where there was no touching, and I don't mean sex.

Collaborate · 19/04/2011 15:41

But you can't have a wank whilst watching porn. That will get you lynched here too.

LovelyDaffs · 19/04/2011 15:43

Well I'm going to ask the question that nobody ever does when this subject comes up. Are you any good in bed? Do you ensure she is fulfilled, is enjoying it?

I was once in a marriage where I felt like the op's wife and it was because once the honeymoon period had passed I had to come to terms with the fact that our sex life together wasn't great. He was perfectly happy, but I hated the way he kissed let alone anything else. I used to catch a look at him naked and think yuk.

I've been married to my dh for 13 years and it just gets better and better, so it wasnt me it was just a combination that didn't work.

Nataby · 19/04/2011 15:43

I do think that ppl are being unfair to him. I have been in a similar situation as OP. I talked to my partner and he really did not see that it was a big deal. It was not easy as the woman bringing the subject up. I had lost weight from size 28 to 10 for my health not his request, and when all the blokes were suddenly hitting on me, it seemed hubby was no longer interested. It was simply a matter of lost libido. Nothing Viagra could help, it changes a relationship a lot, and as someone who has never watched an Angelina Jolie film since the Brad Pitt incident, contemplating a sexual relationship outside of my marriage was not an easy decision to make.
It's reasonable to feel sexually frustrated and even to consider an affair. I suggested this to my hubby who was shocked that it was that important to me.
OP , tell ur partner how u feel and that you consider that as she is no longer interested, it should not be cheating for you to have a purely sexual relationship elsewhere. If she is still not interested, you can decide for both yourselves if what you have is worth keeping.

For me, I am doing a lot of yoga and masturbating a lot because the relationship is more important to me. It does not mean I don't miss our old situation. I just have been able to adjust. Occasionally, I get sum, and my tummy will soon be as tough as leather from all the exercise :)

Sorry that was so long.

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 19/04/2011 15:43

Nesbo, I disagree. I think most, if not all, of the posters were interested in finding out if it was a sex issue or a problem with the whole relationship, so that they could help the op. The interest only faded when the op seemed keen on solving the problem by having an affair or spending time with other women to make his wife jealous. Having an affair doesn't help anyone in the relationship, whether the affairee is male or female. I would have asked the same questions and given the same advice if this had been posted by a woman.

Prolesworth · 19/04/2011 15:45

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Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2011 15:47

prolesworth...what is a person entitled to from a marriage or long term relationship in your opinion?

Original poster
Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 15:47

Take sex out of a marriage and you are left with two room-mates. Okay, so one person doesn't want sex - is that fair on the one that does? Regardless of who is right and who is wrong a marriage starved of sex is not a happy marriage and is a marriage in trouble. Please read this - www.divorcebusting.com/sb_sex_starved_marriage.htm

OP posts:
Nataby · 19/04/2011 15:47

New here Nesbo, but I totally agree

Get0rfMoiLand · 19/04/2011 15:48

lol at that

When did Bette Midler start writing books

SpaceDementia · 19/04/2011 15:50

I went off sex after the birth of DC1, and only went back on it recently (which makes it about 16 years of intermitant sex, not a complete drought).

With hindsight, it wasn't because of the lack of a sex drive alot of the time, but because I didn't feel loved, and didn't trust my H. I've learned alot on MN. I now know that H was an abusive bully, who took all the nice parts of our life for himself, and left me the shit. He was also unfaithful, as I found out recently, and it is a deal breaker.

Maybe there is something like this going on in your relationship Nigel. Your wife probably wants to feel loved before she feels like sex. If you want sex before you are prepared to be loving, you too are headed right for the divorce courts.

FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 15:50

Sex starts a long time outside the bedroom for women, it isn't about just the act itself but how we feel about ourselves out of bed, how we are treated out of bed.

We are not recepticles for your cum.

We need more than just the act itself.

However, you have said you are affectionate outside the bedroom, but it isn't just about affection, it's the little things.

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 15:51

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Prolesworth · 19/04/2011 15:51

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Ormirian · 19/04/2011 15:52

No nigel it isn't fair. But the answer isn't to have an affair or to try to make her jealous, it is to TALK to her. The outcome will be:

  1. Nothing changes and you can decide whether you want to stay or not.
  2. She decides that she isn't willing or able to change and ends the marriage.
  3. You both have counselling and make more of an effort and things improve in the bedroom.

But having an affair because you aren't getting any is not an answer. You can't make her want sex any more than she can make you not want it.

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2011 15:53

Prolesworth - I was genuinely asking if you think there any entitlements within a marriage? entitled to respect for instance?

Get0rfMoiLand · 19/04/2011 15:55

I think this OP is being interpreted in two ways by two sets of people

(a) it's a load of bollocks, someone wants off board chat and/or to plug some bizarre book

(b) poor old Nigel let's be nice to him, it is unfair to be spiteful, we would listen to a woman in the same situation

Truckstop · 19/04/2011 15:55

I think some (most) of the posters were waiting for him to make a mistake so he could be pounced on.

Prolesworth · 19/04/2011 15:58

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StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 15:59

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