Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

You're not listening.

Do you listen to your wife?

To add, odd as it sounds I do think my sense of touch has changed since having a baby. I absolutely hate it if DH touches me while I'm breastfeeding, it almost hurts, it's like my touch sensors are overstimulated. Also when he touches me intimately it feels tickly and I laugh which never happened before I had DS. It's weird and hard to get used to and I can see how someone would just avoid sex and touch rather than try to adjust to it.

perhaps nigel you are making it too easy for her by putting yourself on a plate. Where is the thrill of the chase for her? I think there is truth in the old saying, treat em mean, keep em keen, even in a marriage. Why not give her the cold shoulder treatment for a few weeks, start going out with the boys etc, coming home late. If you just follow her around like a lost puppy dog all the time it will just do her box in.

Thanks DDF. I do think the only way to spark things up and make her wake up would be to either have an affair or make her jellous by spending time with other women (non sexually). This is probably the last card I have to play - in a way, make or break.

Having sex/cuddles just because the other person wants it 'to make them happy' is not going to make them happy: it's likely to be bad sex and it's likely to make the martyred one feel even less sexy and more resentful.

I made the point about touch quite a few posts ago.

Nigel isn't listening.

Wow Nigel the fact that you want to "make her wake up" rather than actually understand what's going on speaks volumes. I'm guessing she wouldn't be too heartbroken if you did have an affair. Go ahead.

Steam I am listening - there is ratehr a lot to take in. And whilst I'm responding (which takes time to type) more responses are coming up. I AM listening.

I thought from your Op that you loved her dearly and only want to be with her, that you would settle for her showing interest in you? Your last post stated that you think it is a little unfair for her not to have sex with you whether she wants to or not, or expecting you not to have an affair if she won't.

Which is it? Do you want her love and affection or do you want an orgasm? If you really want to work on your marriage then there are lots of people here who can help, but if you are looking for justification to have an affair you've come to the wrong place.

Yeah, lovely guy this nigel.

I went off sex in a relationship once. It was because he valued his own wants and needs higher than mine. Occassionally we'd 'discuss' things but it was all very token. The entire relationship and everything else was constructed to suit him, so I grew to resent him. Even though everything was very niSe on the surface. hth
ps if she's nice to the cat it's because the cat doesn't want anything in return. cat has no agenda.

Well said eastereggs.

Nigel answer this question - have you ever actually asked your wife what's going on in a non-confrontational way?

Nigel...my comment on my friend showed he lost his wife through an extramarital affair...it wasnt recommending one
I think you need to have an honest talk with her about how you are feeling and ask if counselling is something you would both consider

FFS, just saw your post about having an affair. Thought that's what you were angling for. Don't waste our time, if you want to be a prick then go off and be a prick, I'm not going to say "there,there, the nasty woman drove you to it".

I don't understand how any parent can put their need to orgasm over the happiness of their children.

Nigel - you wont get much sympathy at bra-burning central if you mention affairs. However, I agree entirely that an affair could be your trump card. An ultimatum might be the way to go.

I wish WWIFN or AF (EF) were here. I think they could respond more eloquently than me!

Eggs - I only want for my wife - but I need her to be my lover and take in an interest in my sexual fulfulment which I believe I have a right to in a marriage.
If she is unable / unwilling to love me intimately then I could be pushed away to find a solution elsewhere. That's biology, Darwin, evolution, Maslow...etc. We all have needs and we pursue them don't we? If I'm hungry I find food, sex a base human need. Added to that the need to be loved, feel desired and belong is pretty key to happiness in life. If I could everything with my life I would be happy full stop. But the point is - I can't.

yeah following on from my last post on this thread you are staring to sound not as nice as you originally did. Maybe the problem is that you are doing things for her to get something out of it for yourself rather than for her

I am in a similar position to your wife. DP and I have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and I'm pregnant with DC3. I really don't want sex, and actually I don't really want to be touched very much. I don't feel as if my body is my own at the moment, and it hasn't been for a while. Although I'm a WOHM and I love to be with my children when I get home, I value my time to myself very much.

DP is a physically demonstrative man. He loves to pull me towards him for a kiss or a grope. Before the DCs I loved that too. But now it's the last thing I want. Especially when he pulls me towards him and it physically hurts my back or hips (SPD).

I love him even more because he understood what I was saying when I explained it to him, and backs off now.

Bollocks. You can wank, you don' t have to fuck someone else.

Try asking your wife why she doesn't want to have sex with you and then listen to the answer.

Nige wants a bit of fruity PM action with some mumsnetters

If Nigel was a woman, I'm pretty sure he'd have got more sympathy. I'm just saying...

'I believe I have a right to sexual fulfillment in a marriage'

That nice veneer didn't last very long. Suspicious from the start frankly.