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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
zikes · 21/04/2011 15:22

But since Nige isn't even sure his wife enjoys the sex they have, I think it's fairly safe to assume she doesn't orgasm - or he pays no attention at all to her during sex. Which to me says crap shag.

Original poster
Nigel10 · 21/04/2011 15:28

LOL at double standards on MN. Just dropped into a forum by a poor lady titled 'Sex problem destroying my marriage'.
I have total sympathy for her plight and hope she can get through this serious problem. Interestingly where I'm told I have no right to sex and sex isn't important - she is reassured the exact opposite by the MN community!!

I came to this forum because I genuinely thought a female perspective may help me overcome the problem in my marriage (ie. understand the female perspective better and learn from those that may have been through similar). Why did I do this? Because I want to save my marriage and I will do whatever I can to acheive that.

Thank you to those good people who responded with considered and experienced views - they helped. And greater thanks to those that PM me to explain (from a Womens perspective) what it was like to be my DW. This was of great help and insight and has already made a difference to my mindset. Those that PM did so because they didn't want to share the bashing they may have received by actually showing some empathy in an open forum - and that speaks volumes about many of the people on MN.

To those that attacked me with no real reason I feel sorry for you. All that wasted anger and energy you used in the hope of making me feel bad - why?

Trolls? I think we know who the trolls are.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 21/04/2011 16:15

Good luck with sorting it out nigel, my DH and I a similar problem ( which, horrifically, did lead to him having affairs) while not blaming myself for his decisions, I now realise how lonely and unloved he felt.
I was simply cut off from him, didn't view him as a sexual being at all, more like a brother!
We are building a stronger marriage now and I am slowley recovering from his betrayal but, oh how I wish he's talked to me earlier. He says he tried to but he should have insisted on my listening and we should have sought out councilling or whatever.

Malificence · 21/04/2011 16:37

Actual Nige, it's due to the fact that you write like a hugely whingy and entitled knob head, your histrionics and refusal to answer very pertinent questions didn't help either.

Do you understand , at a fundamental level, that she must resent you completely for having sex with her even though you know she's gritting her teeth giving in to your needs while ignoring her own feelings.

Do you now understand that your constant pushing of your needs and what you want is completely the wrong track?

Have you actually asked her what she wants and what she needs from your marriage? Have you?

Somehow I don't think you are very good at listening - so the most valuable piece of advice I can give you is to listen - by all means tell her what you need from her too, she needs to know how you feel of course but you obviously don't communicate very well with each other - unless that changes, your marriage will be dead in the water.

nijinsky · 21/04/2011 16:42

Oh well Nigel, the world is a harsh place. Not everyone likes you as much as you think. You get judged on how you behave and what sort of person you are, not on how great you think you are. And you just don't come across as having very nice attitudes to other people. But you won't mind, because all you are interested in is sex.

Zanette · 21/04/2011 17:13

After reading all 19 pages of this thread I had to join Mumsnet to say what a spiteful bunch of (nearly all) women you are!

I can't believe someone implied Nigel thought of his wife as a 'recepticle for his spunk' or a 'fuck hole'.

And as a woman who's been in the same position as Nigel, I did go and have an affair after 18 yrs of marriage! Bring it on, flame me off!

I felt ugly, un-desirable, desperately unhappy, frustrated, on edge...and many more things. I spoke to DH (as Nigel has said he has done) and when I listened to what he said, this is what he said....'it's not you, it's me'. We all know (or think we do) what that means. It's easy to judge when it's not you.

Also, if Nigel answered every single comment (as one poster wrote that she was upset he didn't immediately respond) he'd do no work and be a nervous wreck! Oh, and really, does he have to write a list of how much housework he does!? Jeez!

And Nigel, my advice is also to back off, have fun with your wife, do the dishes, put the kids to bed and just wait.

BecauseImWoeufIt · 21/04/2011 17:19

Welcome to Mumsnet, Zanette Confused

Zanette · 21/04/2011 17:23

Sorry to have this sort of entrance, but I think just because someone comes on here asking for advice, he doesn't expect to become Hitler (or add any other Dictator/evil figure) personified. Personal attack is pretty low in my opinion.

Original poster
Nigel10 · 21/04/2011 17:34

Zanette - thank you. A positive note for me to exit MN on.
Despite the punishment, I have taken advice, and as you also suggest, I will certainly be backing off my wife a great deal and giving her time. Going without the love and sex you need really does cause great anguish in a relationship and I hope one day we can get back the balance we once had. I will work hard at it.
Thank you.

OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 21/04/2011 17:35

Good luck, Nigel.

AKissIsNotAContract · 21/04/2011 17:38

Zanette: Godwin's law on your second post, well done :)

sayithowitis · 21/04/2011 18:05

AKiss, sorry, but i disagree with your opinion that that it is the fault of the man if a woman cannot have an orgasm. here and here are quite clear that it is not solely down to the man being selfish or in any other way, rubbish in bed. I would hazard a guess that there are very few women who can honestly say that they have always experienced an orgasm every time they have had sex. I have a wonderful DH who is prepared to do whatever it takes and for however long I need, but even so, there are times when it just ain't gonna happen. Nothing to do with him being rubbish. occasionally to do with health/medication issues, occasionally because of outside factors (teenage kids due home) and sometimes because for whatever reason, as much as I am enjoying it all, it just doesn't happen. I am probably like most women, in that I get there about 98% of the time, and often more than once, but some women just don't. I still think that whatever else we may think of the OP, that particular question was out of order.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 21/04/2011 18:30

"Those that PM did so because they didn't want to share the bashing they may have received by actually showing some empathy in an open forum - and that speaks volumes about many of the people on MN."

Or maybe they didn't want to post their experiences on an open forum for all to see, and you to ignore, like you did with ops Hmm

noodle69 · 21/04/2011 18:36

98% of the time what I would expect though. There is maybe a couple of times that I couldnt cause I was too drunk etc but other than that I always orgasm. I dont think anyone would be complaining about 98% though. I would think it was rubbish though if it wasnt the vast majority of the time.

sayithowitis · 21/04/2011 19:03

I tend to agree Noodle, however, that's because I am used to usually being able to reach orgasm. There are some women who don't. Yes, for some that is down to the partner being too selfish to listen when they are told what is good etc, but there are many, many women, who don't for many other reasons. sometimes they do not know themselves what works, and if you don't know what works for you, why should your partner know? Some women don't communicate the information to their partners, some have medications which have this as a side effect and some are genuinely anorgasmic. My point was merely that it is not necessarily fair to assume that it is the fault of the partner if a woman does not reach orgasm every time and that in any case, the question itself was, IMO, very intrusive. Whenever I have read threads where the OP is a woman posting that her partner does not want to have sex, I don't think I have ever seen anyone ask whether he comes every time, and it is a fact, that not every man orgasms every time they have sex. So if the question is reasonable in this case, it is just as reasonable in the other cases.

noodle69 · 21/04/2011 19:04

Well considering this particular post is from a man who doesnt know whether she enjoys it or not. I would strongly say that she doesnt.

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 21/04/2011 19:51

Nigel, you have my sympathies. You have had a very hard time on here, and personally I don't feel that you deserved it. I don't think you were being unreasonable.

Unfortunately I don't have the answers to your problems, and the truth is, nobody on here has. Ultimately you must make the decision whether to stay or go (because, lets face it, that will be ultimately what it will boil down to), nobody can make that for you.

You sound like a decent person and I wish you all the best.

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 21/04/2011 20:35

And that's yet another thread killed. Sorry Nigel!

HerBEggs · 21/04/2011 20:59

No it's not killed after all.

" Oh, and really, does he have to write a list of how much housework he does!? Jeez!"

Well it's something for him to think about. IMO and judging from MN threads, it's one of the biggest causes of resentment in women about their husbands. It is very very hard to feel sexual desire for someone who you feel is exploiting your free labour and therefore doesn't respect you. If Nigel is showing his wife complete disrespect by not doing his fair share of housework, then that will have an impact on her sexual desire for him. Nigel has ignored all questions about that issue, so none of us know if that is one of the causes of his wife's reluctance to have sex with him.

It is always being implied, that how the balance of housework is split between partners is something trivial and really not worht discussing. But it's not trivial because it goes to the heart of one of the most important things in a relationship: respect.

nijinsky · 21/04/2011 21:37

Nigel "Those that PM did so because they didn't want to share the bashing they may have received by actually showing some empathy in an open forum - and that speaks volumes about many of the people on MN."

Whats the betting you'll be keeping in touch with them and msning them soon?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/04/2011 22:04

A man who has been having regular sex with a woman for several years but 'doesn't know ' if she's ever had an orgasm is definitely shit in bed. Because he clearly doesn't care whether she's enjoying the sex or not.

tadpoles · 21/04/2011 22:10

Zanette - good posts! Sometimes people cannot get their needs met within a marriage.

Nikinski - god how pathetic you sound.

nijinsky · 21/04/2011 22:23

Sorry tadpole but I just don't fall for the yet another married man (or woman come to that) looking for an affair.

tadpoles · 21/04/2011 23:05

Oh don't be so idiotic - he could leave his marriage tomorrow and shag everyone in sight - and I guess you would think that was ok, wouldn't you?

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/04/2011 23:44

agree with sgb here....he should know

if he doesnt.....then i think that speaks volumes. if she did - he would know!