Regaining love?

[whereisthelove]

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

This is a really tricky one. I don't understand why partners say that kind of thing - "I love you but I'm not IN love with you". What do they expect the recipient of that information to do with it? Become instantly loveable?

It's quite unfair of him to just drop that on you with no explanation or suggestion as to how things may be made better. He's just saying "I'm not in love with you" and then leaving you to fill in the blanks and try to remedy the situation.

I don't know much, but if I know anything it's that you can't make someone love you.

Now you know how he feels, you have to decide whether that's enough for you, and to be honest he should be thinking whether it's enough for him. I don't get why he would say something like that and then just carry on without making any changes. Does he want to leave? Will he go to counselling? Does he intend to remain entirely passive while you wrestle with this??

When I asked him what he would like me to do, he said if he tells me and then I do it then it won't feel like it is REALLY coming from me. It sort of makes sense but makes it no easier for me.

He just said it's going to take a long time to get over it as he is just so angry that I've basically neglected him. He is a family man and thinks the world of his DC - don't know if he wants to leave. Don't feel ready to ask that question - Scared of the answer.

I think he want affection more than anything. But right now I'm so sad and when I get sad I do retreat into my little shell.

But it's perfectly normal to retreat into your shell after someone you love tells you something like this. It's incredibly hurtful to hear sand it's no wonder that you aren't now inclined to lavish him with attention and affection in an effort to win him over.

Which is why I think he's such a coward for telling you and just dumping all the responsibility for fixing it on you. If he has fallen out of love with you then he should have the courage to leave or seek counselling or any other course of action other than this passive resignation and shirking of responsibility.

Honestly, the black and white answer for me would be 'Don't love me? Leave then because I deserve to be loved properly', but of course I understand that these things are never black and white and it's very easy to say that without being in the situation myself.

I think that putting all your efforts into trying to make him love you will be a mistake. Trying to make someone love you is soul destroying. Think very carefully about what you want to do in the face of the facts (not what you would like to happen if things were different).

I am sorry you're going through this :(

He's putting all this on you. Has he gone out of his way to organise babysitters, nights out ? Hs he said to you, here I'll look after the DC, you go and get your hair done and some new clothes etc ? Or is it all down to you to change ?

I hate to say this but normally when a man says he loves you but is not in love it normally means that he has an OW in his head, if not in his bed. This is something my DH said to me and is so cliched .

You both have a responsibility to the marriage, would he be willing to go to Relate ?

I think by what he has said, he has already set you up to fail.

I totally agree with the other posters. He is putting all the responsibility for the relationship onto you. He needs reminding that while he has been feeling neglected you have been busy raising his children not out partying or living it up! Where is his respect for you?

I would also be telling him to pack his bags and leave if he can't come up with anything constructive to help the relationship. He sounds like a big whinging baby to be honest.

He needs to grow up. Love isnt all about being 'in love'. He sounds like a massive manipulative child

You sound exactly like me a few months ago. My H was seeing an OW. I get the impression that they suddenly feel so 'angry' about the relationship with their wife, as there is a huge contrast between the reality of the world at home, compared with the glossy fantasy of an OW boosting their ego constantly.

I may of course be totally wrong.

Either way, what is HE doing about it? There are 2 people in this relationship and he sounds like a spoilt brat.

Relate?

Your h sounds like mine..last September he threw his toys out of the pram declaring he no longer was IN love with me..I then discovered a fairly full on text relationship between him and a femaile work colleague.

he stayed purely I think because he wanted to have his cake and eat it..until I got fed up of his continuing closeness with said woman and total lack of commitment to our marriage and asked him to leave. DC 5 was born last April..his reasons for falling out of love, I was stressed and tired and neglected him..

Im not suggesting your H is having an affair btw..but as amicable says quite often the glossy fantasy of another woman can seem so much better compared to RL...my H is now seeing OW..but give it 6 months..and he will see that life is no different..money worries are there..and crap things happen..and someone has to do the washing up

Another one here who has had this conversation recently. My H told me this in October (insisted there was no one else involved). I asked him to leave while he figured out what he wanted. It turned out that he had been having an emotional affair which turned physical. I didn't find out until almost 5 mths later and he kept insisting we had separated due to the deterioration of our relationship.

I hope this is not the case for you but apparently when someone uses the phrase 'not in love' it can mean they are comparing the love for a long term partner with the heady infatuation of a new love/flirtation.

Wishing you all the best and hoping he sorts this out. I would suggest he go to counselling.

Thanks for all your replies. Really don't think he's having an affair - it's just not something he would do.

I think the reality of it all has just sunk in. I do blame myself though as I have not been affectionate at all so that must be hard for him. I just felt like I was emotionally drained looking after my little ones that I had nothing left to give - either to myself or him.

We also have money worries so that isn't helping. I'm a SAHM as it isn't worth my while going to work due to childcare. So he has all the pressure of being the provider and being self employed means he has periods were there is very little work.

We also don't really have family nearby to babysit to we get very little time together. Even if we do we don't have the funds to do anything exciting. I think he's bored - don't blame him I get bored too!

He has said today that perhaps he's being the child as he caught himself saying to one of my DD's not to get jealous of her baby brother.

I am just so hurt at the mo.

He really sounds quite pathetic. Not enough attention when you ahve a baby plus two other children. And as for if you make the changes he wants because they haven't come from you it won't feel right for him is just awful. tell him you are going to carry on being you and looking after your kids and when he makes some changes get back to you. He sounds so selfish and immature

If he is feeling under pressure and miserable with himself then fair enough but he doesn't have to blame you or make you responsible for that. What he said to you was wicked and hurtful and will do nothing to make the situation better, if anything it will make things worse because your self esteem is bound to be affected. Don't go soft on him, be angry with him and pull him up on his childish and selfish behaviour!

My DH once said this to me, we worked through it. We made time for ourselves, we went on a weekend away/day out etc etc,, got that spark back - i think the time is back where we did it again tbh.

I think some men just expect things to stay the same even after the children have come along. I remember my ex saying to me "you've changed" after our DD was born. Well of course I changed, I had a baby to look after as well as three other children and I was bloody exhausted! Naive, simple, selfish creature!

Don't blame yourself. If he'd fallen out of love with you because he'd discovered you were an adulterer, or a serial thief, or had murdered someone, or joined the BNP or whatever then I couldn't blame him.

But to fall out of love with you because you've been an excellent mother to his children and your attention hasn't been focussed on entirely on him is just pathetic.

I agree with TimeFor, what he said is not constructive in any way and can only serve to be detrimental to your relationship. That's his fault.

It isnt good.

Youve been caring for your 3 small children.

What is he going to do to work to bring you back together. What is he angry about?

Im another whose H said this -its called the Speech - and he was having a physical affair. I could have never ever have thought him capable of it.

To my mind your H has said it as he is very very unsettled (I cant rule out maybe already unfaithful.)

His anger and unsettledness is inside himself IMHO - from his own experience and wants, and not your doing. Counselling would hugely benefit him on an individual basis.

OK, so what's her name?

Glad to hear that littlesox worked through it. I just hope we can do the same.

But there are so many others that have been unfaithful. I really cannot see he it. He is simply not the type.

I think he's angry because he feels rejected and he has had to bottle it up as he thinks your not supposed to get jealous of your own children. My DH does like to be the centre of attention and he hasn't been for quite a while.

Which is why he will be susceptible to an affair, he can get his ego stoked. Please don't think he is not the type, my DH was not the type, everyone was stunned when they found out - he was a devoted DH and father but still fell for flattery etc - I was knackered looking after 4DSs (2 with ASD) so he wasn't getting much attention either. Also SAHM.

I am not saying your DH is having an affair but please don't dismiss it - it might explain his dissatisfaction with you and the DC. Because affairs are soooo exciting to the people having them .

What has he suggested to make things better ?

countingto10 - He hasn't suggested anything to make things better :( I really don't know what to do apart from trying to give him more attention which after what he has said is the last thing I want to do. Hopefully, I'll feel a little less upset in the next few days and will able to do this.

Thanks everyone. I've got nobody to talk to about this and hearing your thoughts is really helping.

He hasn't suggested anything because he is putting the responsibility onto you to make everything alright. He needs to take a look at himself and his own behaviour. He isn't behaving like a loving, caring husband, he doesn't seem understanding at all. He needs to meet you half way on this.

My wife and I have been through this and are coiming out the other side. It can get better but only if (among other things):

• you're both prepared to recognise things do change after having children
• neither of you has to be centre of attention
• you communicate honestly, openly and regularly
• you are BOTH prepared to compromise
• you're both prepared to put the effort into your relationship
• you make time for each other

Guess what - some of that is pretty hard with young children!

You can sort it out TOGETHER. Good luck :)

I feel like I'm in a similar boat to you Whereisthe. I too have 3 dc's last one 18months ago and i too feel like I'm getting my life back a bit after being bottom of the heap for the last 5 years.

I think both people need to work at a relationship. It is neither of your fault that you are tired, have invested more effort in the dc's etc. I think it's normal that relationships have ebbs and flows where sometimes things are good and sometimes not so good.

But i'm also realising if i don't put time into 'me' then i just don't have the energy for a relationship. And if MrBeas doesn't like that well....

I'm also convinced that there are some people who just leave the organising of 'making time' to other people. Not that they are inherently lazy but they just don't see that it has the same importance as the other partner. It's easy to get resentful of putting effort in and feeling like you get nothing back. But much better to be pro active and do things than waste time wishing things were different.

Thanks givemesomespace. It's nice have a male perspective. I just want this to work so will take your suggestions on board.

Beasknees - I know what you mean about putting time into me. That is something I've only just started to do and in turn it did make me feel better about my relationship with DH - the only problem is that he's not here any more. (Physically here, but not emotionally). He didn't wait. :(

My husband said this to me, after I had discovered his affair. This was last year in July.

Our relationship went through "a howling wind tunnel" stage, absolutely awful. I kicked him out for 2 weeks. I screamed down the phone at him during that time.

We decided to work on things. It has been a period of intense learning and we have developed new insights and ways of coping day to day and with each other.

I'd say our relationship is getting stronger than it was before. It has been hard work, and a scary prospect at times, but its worth the work and the worry.

You really need to set some time alone together, to talk and listen to each other. Get baby sitters, go for meals, drinks, nice walks. Just you and him, so you can see where is head is at and fight for your relationship.

Would Relate be an option, together. Explain what has happened to them and go form there?