Regaining love?

[whereisthelove]

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

Whereis - do you mean he has moved to an OW or just he can't wait for you to be in the right place too. I agree with a lot that the guy said about both parties needing to work together. If one isn't then there is no point.

Beasknees - no OW. He hasn't waited for me to be in the right place. I suppose 18 months of no attention has just driven him away. We did have the "talk" a couple of times about how unhappy he was and I really thought that I had made a bit more of effort and had been given him more cuddles etc. But it obviously wasn't enough. It didn't even occur to me that he'd stopped loving me. It really has hit me for six.

Maandpa - I'm glad you sorted things out too and worked through it. What would you say was the biggest thing that helped? Was it getting time alone?

I am not sure about Relate. More from my side to be fair - I am a very private person and that in itself causes problems as I do not find it easy to open up.

I've got this big knot at the bottom of my stomach. I cannot even bring myself to answer the phone to DH who has called me a couple of times from work today.

Another one in the same boat here...but i have a niggly feeling i might be needing my own thread soon cos if i posted it here it would be long and i dont want to hijack... so just want to send a hug for now and let you know you're not the only one going through this x

Oh only he's not accusing me of neglecting him, he's the one withdrawing...

ElevenEleven - feel free to post here if you want to. It's good to know I'm not the only one IYSWIM.

in a similar boat - have our first relate session tonight but really not sure what good it will do. DH just doesn't seem engaged in the making it work process.

Same here nora...and thanks where...i appreciate that. Bfing at the mo and kids in from school soon but would love to come back later if thats ok...maybe together we can make sense of it all with some mn help?

Same here nora as in it doesnt feel like he intends to do anything to fix it, not the relate bit..dont think he'd go for that..

in my situation i think depression on his part is in play, he seems so lost and is looking for someone else to make everything magically better, he just doesn't seem able to do anything. Will see how relate goes but well not confident, the only thing i know for sure is that things will never be the same again for us.

OP there really are no "types" who will be unfaithful. There are only vulnerabilities, that's all. All of us are vulnerable to attention and ego-stroking - it's part of the human condition.

The more you post, the more alarm-bells are sounding. I've lost count of how many times I hear about these conversations about unhappiness from a soon-to-be-unfaithful spouse. I apply this to the early conversations you have reported, where you made efforts to no avail. That's because the purpose of these conversations was not to produce change - change that could only happen if he made matched efforts to adore and cherish you. I bet you'll tell us that you haven't felt adored and cherished for a very long time.

By the time it's reached the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" conversation, IME this is because he is now in love with someone else. It's moved beyond "I'm unhappy, make me happy, but I'm going to do nothing about it myself" to "Someone else is making me happy now and whatever you do now, won't matter."

I'm so sorry and I understand your denial. The answer, as usual to this conundrum will be on his phone or within his laptop. Your own memories of women he used to mention, but hasn't for a while, might provide further clues.

I would be astounded if there wasn't an OW and instead of believing this tale of lost love and how you managed to single-handedly lose it, start getting some information, if only to rule it in or out. Above all, please don't think he's not the type. Unfaithful people are not some special breed - good people are having affairs.

I agree with WWIFN

The script he is following is so very obvious

Not the type ? I lose count of the women who say that. Then they have to eat their words. 'Tis very sad.

The fact remains, if he has checked out of your relationship emotionally there will be a very good reason for that. And it isn't you love.

There is more for you to know.

Bending over backwards to "make him love you again" will have the opposite effect of making him despise you, I am afraid.

My suggestion is that you is that you give him his freedom if he wants it so badly and watch how the cards fall.

All this talk of OW is making me feel really sad :( He couldn't be having an affair - he simply hasn't had time. He has been working really long hours at work and weekends so I know where he's been. I do his timesheets\invoices for him so I know he's definitely been working.

The only thing is that perhaps it may lead to an affair but he's definitely not had one yet. That's why I think I can save it.

When I asked if this was it he just said it will take time. He also said that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be here. He has told me that he feels like I am just the mother of his children and his business partner :(

WWIFN - it's been about 6 months since I've felt adored and cherished. But its been much longer for him. I'm so confused.

whereisthelove

I really hope that this is a phase in your relationship that you can work through it together. However I just wanted to let you know that when I posted something very similar in November and WWIFN suggested there might be another woman, I just couldn't possible think there was because it was clear that he 'just didn't love me properly anymore'.

I tried so hard for months afterwards to be what he wanted me to be, make him love me back and it turns out that all that time he wanted to be with someone else. I asked him outright several times and he denied it (we had been with each other for 13 years since we were 22). All our lives together he had been so massively contemptuous of anyone who was unfaithful. If you want to put your mind at rest, see if you can have a look at his phone/emails.

If its easy for you to check his phone/emails, I think its unlikely that he is being unfaithful but it might be worth it just to put your mind at rest.

Best of luck.

i have a feeling that my DH is having an emotional affair with a 'gay' friend, he would much rather talk to her and share with her. I'm hoping we can come back from this with some help. I think its the depression at work hence why he's not left yet, i don't think he actually wants to leave. He's reached rock bottom and can't find a way out on his own, whether thats with or without me i just don't know.

Lots of people meet up with affair partners when they are supposed to be at work and there is always the time.

As I always say on these threads. Why rule out and get no information on what has been confirmed by this thread as the most probable cause of his lost feelings? Would you ignore the most likely cause if you had another problem in life? If the ceiling upstairs started gushing water, would you not look at the roof for the source of the leak?

Why would this be any different, especially when this is so much more serious?

namechange - Good luck with your relate session tonight. I hope it makes things clearer for both of you.

Must go and make some dinner now! Poor DC are starving.

WWIFN - Oh god. All this talk of affairs has made me check his mobile bill. 166 txts to one number I don't know in a month. I'm shaking. I've tried calling it and I just got the standard pre recorded please leave a message thing.

I need to find out whose number it is. How do I do that. I can't stop shaking - feel sick. Must go DC are at my ankles and I'm about to cry.

where - i'm so sorry,

OK what do I do? I've got his old phone which has got a contact against the number. It's a man's name. Listed with a firstname and surname.

My DH has just left a message - he's on his way home will be an hour. (I've not answered his 6 calls today as I cannot face talking to him). Anyway, should I ask him who this person is or shall I just keep quiet.

I think if I accuse him of an affair and he hasn't been unfaithful then he will never forgive me.

Please help me. :(

Or I could just stay up late as he always leaves his phone on charge and then I can see what type of text's he's been sending. Oh f*

Why not try asking him outright whereis, and seeing what his reaction is?

Hello again. My DH used to say he would never have time to have an affair. He conducted most of it on Blackberry Messenger, and at work, and on the infrequent times he socialized with work.

I like you thought he would never do anything like have an affair, and also thought he never had time!

You must talk with your husband, and discuss the fact that, yes your relationship has changed during the time you have been together, thats natural. But that you can't continue to muddle along if he is unhappy and doesn't love you. Tell him you are prepared to fight for your marriage, ask him to go out for a country walk with you or similar.

Tell him what he may lose if the relationship splits.

I would ask him to leave (at least temporarily, but don't tell him this) and stay with friends or his parents. Say its because you are so hurt and need space to clear your thoughts, and maybe move on yourself.

As he has said he doesn't love you anymore, make it clear that he is the one that leaves the matrimonial home. Tell him that you have set up a routine whereby he can see his children regularly. I made this every other weekend, and he had to take them away. My DH was gutted because he really missed them. The DCs were not that bothered about his absence though, suprisingly, I think the atmosphere in the house was better.

Then build in time where you meet to discuss the future.

Try to stay calm, as this aids communication. You don't want your DH clamming up too much. Start telling family and friends about how things have changed. I found that everyone really rallied round then and it was so helpful. Lean on RL friends.

Make it clear you want to make a go of it, but need some space first. Tell him that you love him. And ask if he is having an affair, be it emotional or physical. Tell him you want to work on the deep seated problems in the relationship. Don't be afraid of Relate, a problem shared is a problem halved. When you talk about private matters in councilling it feels so much better if its out in the open. So ring them today!!

Keep posting and then we can give you more help as the situation unfolds and you learn more about what he is thinking.

The man's name will be a cover for a woman.

No-one texts a male friend/ business colleague that many times.

I am so, so sorry.

Thank you Maandpa. I am so completely and utterly devastated. I just want to find out what this mobile number is. I've got a fiery temper so I just hope that I can hold my cool when he gets in. Want to make sure DC are in bed before any confrontation about the number\OW.

google the number