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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regaining love?

253 replies

whereisthelove · 27/03/2011 14:03

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

OP posts:
Original poster
whereisthelove · 28/03/2011 23:58

OK. I'm starting to get angry. Don't know why I did it again but just looked at his bills. 124 texts March, 91 Feb, 166 Jan, 143 Dec. Not even looking at the calls yet. I just want to update his facebook status to "I am a lying cheating bastard" and then change his password. Angry Don't think that would do me any favours though. Angry

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 00:01

You don't have the full story love

he has told you just what he thinks he will get away with

the script he is following is well-worn I am afraid

there is much more you don't yet know

if you can stomach it, I suggest you dig deeper...bank statements, itemised telephone calls, MSN, Facebook etc etc

but not tonight

get some rest love, even if you just lie there and stare at the ceiling you will drop off eventually xxx

Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 00:16

I've just checked his bank statement. A swatch watch from bluewater! Right I feel like I am about to explode. Cheating little F*!!!!!!!

If you are reading this you're a little p**ck! Angry Angry Angry

OP posts:
memorylapse · 29/03/2011 00:17

In my case.I uncovered lots more..his browsing history told a very sorry story and he shut down his facebook account in a panic when it became clear he was also messaging an old GF through it..I realised I didnt know him anymore.

Get some rest for now

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 29/03/2011 00:25

Where is he now then? Did he go to bed to avoid any further questions? OP he is lying to you.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 00:32

Yes he's in bed. He came down a while ago to hover. He did actually ask what everyone has said.

I think I'm dreaming. Looking at bank statements and there are only four transactions where I am not sure what they are for. :( It's not like we've got lots of spare cash. If anything we are wondering how we are going to pay the mortgage next month if he doesn't get paid. (Long story re work)

I can't possibly sleep. Too much in my head.

OP posts:
SW3motherofboth · 29/03/2011 01:07

I really feel for you here. Sometimes everything in your life conspires together to total crapness. Then things can only get better. Sure his comments where stupid/insensitive/counterproductive. I have and will never have an affair, mean any maliciousness to my spouse etc but when feel rubbish I certinally have said some rubbish things, haven't you? (no not as rubbish as this but maybe just because generally woman are a bit wiser) There is a good chance that his statement was not ment to be life altering, is not related to OW, just a daft back to front cry for help. Try if you can not to be eaten up by crossness. I hope that this is just a blip that will shock you both into a better place in the near future. Look after yourself. X

SW3motherofboth · 29/03/2011 01:10

God. Things moved on since I started writing. Ignore me. Still hoping things work out for you whatever that means.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 06:19

Everyone was completely right. Found an old e-mail that he obviously forgot to delete with lots of graphic in sites for me. So angry, upset and most of all I feel bloody stupid.

He's gone to work. Not sure what I'm doing today. Carry on as nothing's wrong I suppose.

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PenguinArmy · 29/03/2011 06:30

OP I'm so :( for you, but you know this isn't your fault right?

you need to remind yourself of that all the time, because it's true

pinkytheshrinky · 29/03/2011 06:39

I have been reading this thread from the beginning and I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry for you - I know you must be feeling horrible right now. Please do take care of yourself today - try to eat and rest.

I like all the other women here think he has probably not told you the whole truth as yet but clearly you suspect the worst - and now the email...... Do you know what really pissed me off when I read it? The bit at the beginning when he said he could tell you how to sort this out with him but then if he did it wouldn't be coming from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That made me as mad as fucking hell - he is manipulative sweetheart - to say that to someone when he is the cheating asshole is so unforgiveable.

You are not to blame for this. You have been doing a good job focussing on your children (as you should do) and it is natural for your relationship to go on the back burner. He sounds really needy and I am pleased you are angry now; you have every reason to be so as you so clearly deserve to be better treated than you have been.

And please don't feel stupid - his being a massive cunt and deceiving you does not make you stupid it just makes him a bastard.

Chin up love do take care of yourself ok?

Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 06:43

It's been going on since June. Not a one off. They've met up lots of times. How could I be so f*ing stupid.

I'm so incredibly hurt. I never ever thought he would do this. My heart literally feels broken. I now I have to act like nothings wrong for my precious DC's. Oh I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 06:45

He didn't want to tell me he'd actually slept with her as he wanted to try and protect the family! Angry

I am such a fool!

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Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 06:46

He's now changed all his f*ing passwords so that is sending me right over the edge as he is obviously hiding something else. :( :( :(

OP posts:
pinkytheshrinky · 29/03/2011 06:48

Oh Darling I am sorry - like I said his infidelity is not about you being stupid it is about him being a shit.

Please find someone to help today with the children if you can. Of course you have to put a brave face on but really you have had a dreadful shock and you need some time to collect yourself.

Is there anyone who can come and spend some time with you today and make you tea and sympathise? I know that sounds a bit lame but please don't be on your own.

pinkytheshrinky · 29/03/2011 06:49

Protect his family? Hmmm my fucking arse - his family were clearly the last thing on his mind. Please give your parents a call and let them help you today.

countingto10 · 29/03/2011 07:00

Pack him a bag and tell him to give you some space, see if your mum and dad came come over and help now.

My DH span a complete web of lies (took OW on a spending spree to West Quays when we were up to our eyes in debt), some of the things he did I am still trying to forgive.

Go and get some advice from a solicitor, it will give you some power and control if you know what your rights are. And get yourself checked for STI's Sad.

My DH did this to me, you can recover from it but it is bloody hard.

Get as much rl support as possible, take time for yourself first and foremost. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 07:14

Thank everyone. Feel a bit better seeing my beautiful DC's. Unfortunately, my parents aren't very close so it's not easy for them to come, especially as my dad is disabled.

I think I need to get out of the house for a bit. Might take DS to a playgroup this morning. Just hope I can hold it together on the school run with all the morning - how are you's?!

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countingto10 · 29/03/2011 07:17

I didn't do a very good job at holding it together for the school run Sad - one of the mums noticed I did not look myself and the floodgates opened .....

But hey, mine is a success story, two years on we are stronger than ever but that is down to my DH doing everything in his power to change himself - we cannot do that.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 07:25

countingto10. I hope we can work through it too. But that trust has just vanished. All the times I thought he was away working - he was with her! In her bed. Buying her gifts. :(

I've actually discovered I don't know my husband at all. I'm refusing to go - why should I and my husband says he's not going anywhere because of the DC.

I've removed all my wedding rings and the jewellery he has given me. It doesn't seem right wearing them. :(

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Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 07:28

Our wedding vows said we promise to love each other in good times and in bad. We promise to be open and honest. So much for those vows!

OP posts:
countingto10 · 29/03/2011 07:34

So what is he proposing to do ? Has he cut all contact with her ? Does he want the marriage to be repaired ?

But more importantly what do you want ? In these circumstances it is best not to make any life changing decisions whilst you are in a state of shock. Three months down the line is best.

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - it is the prescribed reading on here Wink and I found this site very useful at the time. A bit american but answered a lot of my questions etc.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 29/03/2011 07:38

Thank you countingto10. He wants to work it through. He has said he won't contact her again. I will take a look at that book.

OP posts:
NorthernSky · 29/03/2011 08:07

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NorthernSky · 29/03/2011 08:09

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