Regaining love?

[whereisthelove]

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

However hard it is, it is recommended that you are civil to each other and also in Just Good Friends, Shirley Glass recommends doing kind things to each other as it fosters goodwill etc. Bloody hard to do when you want to brain them though .

DH and I roped in as many babysitters we could get and got out for dinner, odd night away etc, just to try and restore the relationship. I did have a major meltdown when in London on a weekend away with him for my birthday about 3 months after discovery and about 3 weeks after he moved back in . I just sobbed my heart out in the hotel room and nothing he could say or do could help. It was my birthday and I was going to cry if I wanted too

It's one day at a time. Can you verify with him that all contact has ceased with OW, apparently there are some privacy settings on Facebook whereby only friends can see your profile so if you did a name search or email search unless you were a friend you wouldn't see it if that makes sense. My DH had a second PAYG phone to conduct his affair.

You need unfettered access to all email a/cs, mobile phones and bills, his laptop history etc. A man with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

When are you going back to Relate ?

I don't think you can sort things out at the moment, with a man who is being this cruel and making you feel, with that horrible remark about your lack of contribution , so worthless. I also think it extremely likely that his affair is ongoing.

This is a horrible environment for children to grow up in and if your H actually had any love or feeling for you or them, he would absolutely move out and give you some breathing space - and the children a tension-free home environment. I see him staying put and his entire behaviour post-discovery as further nails in the coffin - he is being entirely selfish and cruel.

Can I suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor and find out your legal position, including any benefits you'd be entitled to as a SAHM? Knowledge is power, as you're now realising.

I would also have a chat with your MIL again and see if she can persuade him to move out, because the atmosphere you are living in must be intolerable and it is very bad for you and the DCs. The last thing I would do in this situation though is to try to mollify or appease him - I would just want him out. He needs to live with the consequences of his behaviour, whereas at the moment there haven't really been any.

i agree you could probably be doing with some space to think things through. It cant be easy with him in your face all the time. Could you go somewhere? Your mums or anywhere?