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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regaining love?

253 replies

whereisthelove · 27/03/2011 14:03

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

OP posts:
ElevenEleven · 31/03/2011 23:38

So so sorry WITL, sending you big hugs and sorry for the mini-hijack. Take care, be strong xx

Stac2011 · 31/03/2011 23:52

witl maybe a bit of space will enable you to think about whats went on and how you want to proceed. Agree with the others regarding his misplaced anger also think he is angry as he knows how bad having an affair makes you look and he wants to look the good guy iyswim. You deserve better. Sending unmumsnet {{hugs}} to you

Eleven have you confronted oh? Glad you realise you dont need a man to get on in life

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/04/2011 00:56

It sounds as though some space between you would be a good thing, but I'm really sorry he threatened violence (that level of aggression towards an inanimate object like the window must have been pretty frightening) and sorry he was selfish enough to take your laptop. I hope you'll be able to post again in the morning and am thinking of you.

Hengameh · 01/04/2011 02:47

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you have the strength to stand firm and value yourself. Be a great Mum to those children. Set them a good example of how they should expect to be treated in life

Stac2011 · 01/04/2011 04:11

^^that should have been how bad an affaìr makes him look and he's angry at you for exposing that affair.

What did his mum say?

napoleona · 01/04/2011 07:31

Just sending you support, having read your thread, and hope you have support in RL x

Flower1000 · 01/04/2011 12:18

So sorry you are going through this. But equally a bloody big GOOD ON YOU for sticking to your guns.

Hopefully his Mum will be giving him hell and putting a different perspective on it for him too.

I know you are worried he won't come back, but, as it's been said, if he doesn't come back groveling and making amends, big style, then he's an utter 'shit bag' and he doesn't deserve you. YOU deserve better than this and I'm so impressed with how you are dealing with this - stay strong and don't become a doormat, you wouldn't want your girls thinking that being a doormat is acceptable would you?

ilovemyteddy · 01/04/2011 12:54

OP ? I?ve been reading your thread and wondering whether to post because I was an OW a few years ago and I didn?t want to cause any more upset to you and the other women on here who are going through the same situation.

However I have just caught up with the last day?s posts and was so angry when I heard that your DH had blamed you at the Relate session. And I also wanted to second WWIFN?s assertion that many affairs start because the opportunity arises, and a person says ?Why not??

I was happily married before and during my affair. My DCs are grown up and away from home, and I am working full-time in an industry that means that I am sometimes away from home, so when my affair started I had the opportunity to meet up with OM on a regular basis. When the affair finished I looked at my relationship with DH to see what was wrong with it, because like so many people who have affairs, or who betrayed by a partner, I assumed that there was something lacking in my marriage. I should also say that my DH does not know about my affair. I couldn?t see anything wrong with my marriage, but worked at being a better wife to DH and to try and regain some of the romance that I thought was missing in my marriage.

When I started an EA with another man six months after my affair ended I realised that there was something wrong with ME ? that I am vulnerable to infidelity, as WWIFN says. I went for counselling to work out why this is the case, and now know what my ?red flags? are. And to be honest my red flags are almost all to do with selfishness and a sense of entitlement.

What your DH needs to do is stop blaming other people and look at himself and his behaviours to work out why he made a CHOICE to be unfaithful. It was his actions that have caused this, nothing that you did, or didn?t do.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 01/04/2011 16:05

Thanks for your honesty flower It certainly gives another insightful point of view.

My lovely mum & dad came down today (with another laptop in tow) so I had a good day talking to them. Them just being here has made a big difference. H has sent an apologetic text about last night and has asked to come around and talk tonight, which I agreed to.

I had a good talk with his mum last night and she has expressed the same view that all of you have. I just hope that she gave him a good talking too to make him see some sense. I am very doubtful if I'll get an apology about the affair but we will see what happens tonight.
`
I just hope that the ugliness of last night is not repeated as it was truly, truly awful.

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 01/04/2011 20:31

are your mum and dad still with you?

Teddys you gave an insightful view of what could be OP's H's thinking. Also very brave to put your point across

Original poster
whereisthelove · 01/04/2011 23:24

Sorry I meant to say teddys in my last post.

stac2011 no mum and dad aren't here. They live an 1.5 hours away.

I am just so confused right now. I want him here as deep down I still love him and like WWIFN said in an earlier post why should he escape the crap. On the other hand when he is here he just reminds me of my anger and sadness that I end up a complete mess. Anyway the decision has been made for me......"Whilst I pay the mortgage, and buy your food I am not going anywhere. Until you start contributing to this family then I am not going anywhere"........this lead to a to physical attack on my part that I am not proud of. :(

He thinks that we should keep a lid on our emotions in front of the children and I agree with that but it is so hard when he is here and also means that surely we are living a lie? But if he were to go then I would be sad as I want him here. It's so messed up. Confused :(

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 01/04/2011 23:30

"Whilst I pay the mortgage, and buy your food I am not going anywhere. Until you start contributing to this family then I am not going anywhere"

What a cunt.

So sorry OP.

Can you not leave? I know it seems terribly unfair that you should have to but living together is surely untenable.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 01/04/2011 23:42

I did get up and go to the front door but turned around as I am not about to abandon my children and if I take them with me then that wouldn't be fair on them. I am totally financially reliant on him. But if he wants me to get a job I will but only because I won't have it chucked back at my face and I'll have financial independence from the twat. I'll get a weekend job and that will mess up his lovely weekends having to look after DC single handedly. Angry

OP posts:
giagindi · 01/04/2011 23:46

I'm sorry - he does not think that you caring for the children you have together is a CONTRIBUTION?????!!!!!

Original poster
whereisthelove · 01/04/2011 23:50

giangindi that's what I said.

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 02/04/2011 01:12

it looks like he wants to control you. He took the laptop to his mums, comes round and tells you he's not leaving and is blaming you for his infidelity. I have to say no wonder you attacked him. Obviously it would be better for dc's not to be upset by this but that also sounds like a way of making you brush over what he's done. Kids are intuative so will have picked up on the atmosphere anyway.

You will be going through a barràge of emotions that will be confusing. You may miss him when he's away but anger, betrayal and sadness are never far away. Thinking of you

givemesomespace · 02/04/2011 07:36

Any man that that thinks a SAHM mum is not contributing to the family and comes out with this sort of financial garbage is bigoted, living in the dark ages and, most importantly and worryingly, has little or no respect for you and what you do. That's my opinion, but I think you'd struggle to find anyone (man or moman) that disagreed - apart from a disrespectful, bigot living in the dark ages of course!

I say this as a man whose father held the same views - so I have given it a lot of thought in my life and clearly I feel very stongly about it. I have grown to detest my father for the way he treated and continues to treat my mother. The only positive from my experience is that it has made me think about it a huge amount and shown me how not to be. It could just as easily have set me a warped example of how a woman should be treated. Would your husband wish his daughters to be treated like this or his sons to treat women like this?

I wonder if your husband would say the same things about financial matters and contributing to the family in front of his mother - I doubt it. He has shown his cards as to his true feelings IMO. Doesn't look like an equal relationship to me (to state the obvious).

Try not to let him goad you - it sounds like he's trying. I hope you continue to get the support you need in RL from family.

BalloonSlayer · 02/04/2011 07:38

It sounds like he is panicking, clutching at straws to try to avoid being thrown out.

countingto10 · 02/04/2011 08:01

I relayed what your H said to you and my DH (who had an affair) says it sounds like the OW is jerking his chain. I doubt very much if contact has ceased (taking laptop to mum's Hmm) and she is probably giving him her twopenneth worth hence the bile coming out of his mouth. My DH was exactly the same at that stage in the relationship with OW, it was like he had morphed into a different person. He was absolutely vile to me Sad.

Try not to get too worried about your attack on him, as my counsellor pointed out to both of us, I have never attacked my DH before or since the incident, it was an extreme stress reaction under severe provocation. In fact now, my DH says he deserved it as what he had said to me was beyond the pale (I could not repeat it here).

Original poster
whereisthelove · 02/04/2011 17:33

Today has been hard as it's the first day he's been around all day since I found out. Every time I look at him I just feel anger and betrayal. I've just had to keep my distance so that I wouldn't end up getting upset in front of DC.

How long would you say the initial intense anger lasts?

OP posts:
maandpa · 02/04/2011 19:43

About 8 weeks if my memory serves me right.

I thought I'd posted to you earlier!

In the earlier days and weeks post discovery my DH said some truly vile things to me. Stuff that makes him blanch now.

This was because he was very frightened that he had lost his nice comfortable marriage and family life. Also because he was mortified that loads of people now knew what he had been doing.

He was projecting a lot of guilt on to me as well, when he said or shouted horrid things to me.

I had to get him out of the house for a couple of weeks, because I was literaly hallucinating about whacking him over the head with a nail ridden plank etc. I wanted to kill him, I was so angry.

Towards the end of these two weeks he was keen to get back home.

And I can rememer being very angry for about 4 weeks. Then better, but he contacted the OW again after 5 weeks, so we were back at worse than square one. And then again incandescent with rage for about another 5 weeks. Then an intensely fearful stage, then intense learning, and slow but steady recovery.

I will post more soon.

Flower1000 · 02/04/2011 20:28

Balloonslayer has posted exactly what I was going to say.

Hang in there x

Stac2011 · 03/04/2011 11:08

how are you witl?

Original poster
whereisthelove · 03/04/2011 11:31

I'm OK stac2011. I went out and let my hair down last night with some friends and feel, well, just empty today. No anger, but not really feeling anything apart from a knot in my stomach IYSWIM?

My beautiful DC's brought me breakfast in bed which was lovely and H is making a big effort around the house and is making lunch. Feeling guilty I think but I cannot bring myself to speak to him just yet.

I keep thinking I wonder if he tried to contact her last night whilst I was out. What if she has got a different number or he has found some other way of contacting her without me knowing. It's sending me into a bit of a crazy woman at the moment. She has removed herself from Facebook so I don't know what to make about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
whereisthelove · 03/04/2011 12:03

Also, I am not sure how to treat him. At the moment I am pretty much blanking him but then I think to myself well this isn't going to help sort things out and then I go back to thinking but I'm so devasted I want him to know it's not alright. I'm a bit confused....still. :(

OP posts:
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