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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regaining love?

253 replies

whereisthelove · 27/03/2011 14:03

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

OP posts:
Beasknees · 28/03/2011 18:12

oh Whereis this is not sounding good now. got to put the babes to bed will check in later. take care and count to five before you say anything.

NorthernSky · 28/03/2011 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

maandpa · 28/03/2011 18:51

I have a fiery temper too. So I could never be calm, which rather hindered DH telling me the full tory of what had happened. He was having an affair with a work colleague, who he thought he was just friends with. He had genuine feeling for her.

Never lose hope for your relationship, you can both get through this if you both work at it.

yes - confront him this evening.

It sounds like he is having an affair.

You will be in deep shock at first.

Keep posting, we can help.

Remember, good people have affairs.

Its early days, but I contacted OW in front of him, so the bubble well and truly burst, and reality set in pretty quick. Not a pretty sight though.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/03/2011 18:56

My advice is to physically check the phone tonight and if at all possible, keep your powder dry. He has already lied to you and will do so again, claiming that the texts are to a male friend or some such nonsense. I also think he will only admit to what you can prove and a confrontation without much information will just lead to him covering his tracks more.

I wouldn't ask for space or suggest Relate at all. The most pressing issue here is that he is having an affair and you need to know what you are dealing with, because it sounds serious if you've had the speech that generated this thread. However, to give you some perspective, it might not actually turn out to be as threatening as you or he thinks....

I really feel for you, but it is honestly better to know because you might have wasted time and energy trying to be the perfect woman to someone who was deceiving you all along and making you jump through hoops to no avail.

Better to know the truth and deal with the fall-out from that, than to be deceived, even if you'd currently give anything not to have this happening to you right now Sad

catwalker · 28/03/2011 19:55

My 'two penn'orth' -

My dh was absolutely not (in a million years) the sort of person to have an affair - he did

My dh didn't have time/opportunity to have an affair - he managed to find it

The ow was listed in the contacts in dh's phone under an alias (her middle name, so if I did see any of her texts at least I wouldn't realise it was someone I knew - could just as easily have been a man's name)

A previous long-term relationship ended when I was told 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'; I later discovered he'd been having a relationship with someone else

So sorry x

CelebratedMonkey · 28/03/2011 20:27

I am so sorry. These men really do all follow the same script.

I know you have discovered the phone number now, but what I would've said before that is that it makes me furious when people do the 'I love you/am not in love with you'/'you've been too involved with the children speech'.

While he was miserable because he wasn't getting enough attention from you (apparently), how much attention were you getting from him? Because it seems to me that it's a two-way thing and it would be quite hard (without one person being actively rude) for him to be so loving to you while you ignored him. Most of the time it's reciprocal.

So as others have said, he's flush with heady feeling of new attraction, is comparing it to a stable and settled relationship where the children have to come first for a while, and is then blaming you - not because it's your fault in any way - but to try and convince himself that he's blameless. Powerless even. Poor man simply had to go and have an affair.

Ugh.

Best wishes getting through this.

carlywurly · 28/03/2011 21:56

I swore blind my XH wasn't the affair type too. He was, and I had this "speech" too. It's so classic. Sad

Original poster
whereisthelove · 28/03/2011 23:03

I cannot believe it but you were all right. Apparently, he's not slept with her but they did kiss and share a bed. Whilst he was working away last July. She has thrown him a line of having cancer.

He did a really good job of covering his tracks. Not one single text on his phone either to her or from her and listed as a colleagues name on his phone. Apparently, they are good friends and I would not have understood him befriending a girl who he had met whilst away!! I made him call her in front of me and to be honest there wasn't anything lovey dovey (?sp) said and she didn't know I was listening. She also mentioned cancer treatment. Anyway, after he came off the phone I went ballistic and threw a load of glasses across the kitchen. Not very grown up I know.

I really do feel like I am in a dream and that tomorrow I'll wake up and it will all be OK. I am totally gutted and never ever thought this would happen. I am shocked to the core. I just really hope we can work through this as I still love him.

I've spoken to my parents about it all as I just needed to hear my dad's voice and they have suggested that I take my DC and stay with them over the weekend to get some space.

Anyway, thank you all for opening my eyes. I don't think I will ever, ever say "He's not the type" :(

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:09

I am so sorry, love xxxx

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:11

Now understand his.

You must not under any circumstances take any responsibility for this.

And you must put out of your head any ideas you might have had about what you need to do to "regain his love"

He needs to prove you now, he is worthy of you

Not the fucking other way round...ok ?

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:12

understand this

Original poster
whereisthelove · 28/03/2011 23:15

Thanks PeterAndre. I am just so :(

OP posts:
Icandothis · 28/03/2011 23:17

So so sorry to hear this but you've been very brave to listen to the advice today and to confront it head on by checking his bills.

If he is being honest (which I really hope he is - but mine tried to minimise the extent of the relationship when first confronted), you have hopefully stopped it from going any further. You've also saved yourself months of trying to figure out what you are doing wrong - because you haven't been doing anything wrong. Looking after your babies is what a Mum is supposed to do.

Well done also for telling your parents because you need support. One thing I realised from my situation is how much I am loved by so many people and that has really helped me to see it as 'something he did wrong' and that its not due to any failing of mine.

Try and get some sleep and make sure to eat tomorrow.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:17

Bloody hell, of course you are

I hope you are Angry too

I hope you have also done a complete about-turn with the potentially-doormat behaviour you were contemplating displaying for the poor misunderstood ikkle boy...yes ?

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:18

I am glad you have told your parents and got some RL support...that is absolutely vital for you

Do you believe his version of events ?

Original poster
whereisthelove · 28/03/2011 23:21

Yes I think so. He looked me straight in the eye and said they didn't have sex. Not sure what to believe any more. I just wish I knew what was written in those text messages.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/03/2011 23:23

Okay, deep breath. I know how horrendous this is for you.

You need to be aware that he is in all probability telling some lies here. He will be seeking to minimise how far this has gone and what has happened and anxious to claim there is no connection between his lost feelings for you and this woman, who like so many OW, represents the classic dumsel in distress. Much of this will of course be bullshit.

It's no coincidence that he met this woman in July and you have been feeling unloved for 6 months. I bet if you really timelined this, you'd last remember feeling loved pre-July or whenever he really met this woman.

What has he said he wants to do now? Does he want to continue a relationship with this woman?

Everyone's different in how they deal with shock and the discovery of an affair. You might need time and space or you might feel the need to have uninterrupted time to talk and get your many questions answered. If you need space, can I suggest that you leave the DCs with him and go to your folks? You will need time to cry and howl and that's pretty impossible in front of kids. I couldn't give a stuff that he's self-employed - this is a crisis of epic proportions and it's been caused by his own hands.

Keep posting. There are so many women who have been where you are right now and we can help you.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:24

he has an awful lot of work to do, WITL

is he up to the task ?

Original poster
whereisthelove · 28/03/2011 23:34

I know he could be lying about having had sex but for now I am going to believe him. We've had a good talk and I think he does want this to work. He's deleted her from his contacts and his facebook account but I did say that was a token gesture as she can just text him and he's got her number again.

He's read this thread by the way. He was a bit angry that I went snooping so I told him to read this so he would know how many people were telling me that he is having an affair. So I am sure he'll be along soon to see what I've said!

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:39

he is reading this thread ?

< sits on hands >

Original poster
whereisthelove · 28/03/2011 23:45

TBH - I don't give a damn if he is reading this thread. There is nothing on here that I haven't already told him.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 23:47

I hope you have also done a complete about-turn with the potentially-doormat behaviour you were contemplating displaying for the poor misunderstood ikkle boy...yes ?

make sure he reads that bit

Original poster
whereisthelove · 28/03/2011 23:49

:)

OP posts:
memorylapse · 28/03/2011 23:53

Im so sorry sweetheart..as others have said, please do not take any responsibility for this. It is not your fault. As WWIFN has said..its unlikely you will get the full story..my H lied and lied over the 6 months we were together after his revelation, even claiming that he deleted all the texts and texted her in secret because I was so aggressive, he could never have told me he had a woman friend..yeah..rightHmm

You have been very brave and I so remember that sickening feeling when I looked at my H's phone bill and saw the same number day after day, sometimes ten times a day

Stac2011 · 28/03/2011 23:54

so sorry op read your thread, really feel for you