Very sad - most significant friends have ignored me for 10 years - not invited to big life events for them - no-one to invite to mine :(

[Missingfriendsandsad]

I have just realised, in a wave of nostalgia, that I am really missing friends I had at uni. Searching for their names found a load of photos of them at parties together - some 40ths, some weddings etc. I am gutted, really sad - they all seem to have kept in such good contact with other and totally excluded me - even though I really considered myself close to them in so many ways. It is even such that some of the people who weren't really in the main close circle around me, have been invited to these events - no one has searched me out, no one seems to even care - its like I died, but no-one noticed.

Its really sad because looking at the pictures of them I feel like I want to hug them all, I love them so much, but now, after thinking about it, I realise how stupid and wasted that love is because its obviously not reciprocated.

What is worse is that all the people from this groups that I had 'things' with are also missing - its as if we are a sad tainted jinxed version and it makes me really sad - some of my pals have had kids with each other and I didn't even know :( I feel so lost that I have been abandoned in this way and I really don't know what to do - I never thought people I would feel so strongly for could not feel the same for me but I know they don't. How do I deal with this?

I do know what you're going through, and you're wallowing at the moment.

I'm absolutely hopeless at keeping in touch with people. I blame my mum and dad, personally (well, we have to blame someone don't we?) as they would tell me about all these wonderful friends they had at school and college when i was growing up and when i would ask whether i could meet them they would always answer 'oh, well i haven't seen old so and so in twenty years, I don't know what they're up to these days...' and this wistful look would descend on both of their faces.

Fast track another twenty years and i find myself doing the exact same thing with my kids. It's shameful really, the excuses i make to myself about why i lost touch with all these wonderful people. And yet i can remember countless moments where i subtley cut myself off from them, not really knowing why i was doing it. An example i can give is of one of my close uni mates; he was two years below me and when i left he was in the middle of his degree.

We met up once or twice and water had passed under the bridge; i was going through a rough time with my then boyfriend and in my personal and working life and i remember thinking 'he's alright, he's got so many other mates, he doesn't need me', like i was there but i wasn't. The next time we were due to meet up, he cancelled and i took that as a sign.

About 4 years later we caught up on FB and he wanted to meet up with me and dd1 and i sort of feigned enthusiasm, worrying he'd think i looked old and haggered if we met up, and then just accidentally on purpose lost touch with him. I suppose him being a bloke made it harder, I always sensed dh was a bit jealous of my friendship with him, which made things awkward. Another 4 years on and i still miss him. We're a right pair of twits, aren't we op?

What did you actually expect? That their lives should end the moment YOU stopped being in touch with them?
You cant be serious?

I left A levels 25 years ago. I have seen half my year group on facebook. Some of them are even friends. Some have married eachother. I am in touch with just 3. Not ONCE in the last 25 years have the others tried to seek me out. Why should they? It is life. You cant suddenly NOW be sad that nobody has sought you out. Life has moved on, they are strangers now. Did you honestly think that a bunch of people you have not seen in 20 odd years should bother about you for their wedding, 40th birthday, 10th anniversary, etc?

School friends and Uni friends lose all significance when you join adult life, UNLESS you make an effort to stay in regular touch.

I am in touch with only 1 uni friend. She is my best mate. We are present at each others big events. But that is because we have really made an effort.

Get over it, and try to look into WHY you have not bothered keeping in touch with ANY of your old friends.

DP's mum is very like you sound. She's a lovely lady, but really wearing to be around as she's adopted a downtrodden persona. The irony is that she's really lonely, but by behaving this way, she isn't encouraging anyone to spend time with her.

Don't waste any more time wallowing this way, go and seek some ways to make new friends, and boost your self esteem. If you believe you're unlikeable, others will too.

I would just make friends with them on facebook and write each one a personal message asking them how they are and filling them in on what you are up to. You could suggest a meet up and apologise for being rubbish at staying in touch and then it sounds like it is you that has been too busy etc. I would not act all offended though.

The exact same thing happened to me with my uni friends, although admittedly it hadn't been as long as 20 years. They had all stayed in touch, been to each others' weddings, had kids etc and I just wasn't involved. I only found out when I searched for them on FB and looked at photos.

In the end I contacted one of them with whom I had been closest. We met up a few times and had a nice chat and catch up. No doubt I could have pushed harder and "got back into the circle" as it were, but I didn't.

I didn't make an effort to keep in touch with them so I don't thnk it's surprising they didn't bother with me - why should they?

I think you should drop one of them a line and try and rekindle the flame if you want.

I am a bit sad that a lot of you, when I have expressed vulnerability have leant over me and shouted 'STOP WHINING' - I was expressing how I feel and that's a bit nasty.

It is just quite a shock to see them still so connected and active with each other - I had assumed, I guess, that things had gone for them same as me, pretty miserable, head down, working, trying to get comfortable in life but it looks as though they have kept in very close touch and have been boosting each other throughout - I thought I was really important to them as they were to me and that one day we would meet again and we would be all 'why didn't we all stay in touch' - I just didn't expect it to be like a big party that I wasn't invited to. I know it is partly because I'm poor as that has affected me quite a lot and made it hard to be welcoming and also to have the time needed to go and visit people, but I have had a horrible few years, and a nice phonecall from someone I loved would have brightened it up, even more so an invite to significant events, info about babies and marriage - I want to be happy for them and make them feel good like I thought I used to - perhaps I didn't...

You haven't had a lot of sympathy because your expectations are unreasonable.

That some of your old social circle have managed to keep in touch with each other when you (and they) let it slip away between you is just how it goes sometimes.

You can't expect everyone else's friendships to stop and wait for you to suddenly realise you're missing them.

Whoa! Hang on a minute there. You don't mind life being unfair, except when it's unfair on you - so it's fine by you when bad things happen to other people? You feel left out by a group of people you haven't contacted for years but, instead of sending them a friendly message, you invent malicious reasons on their part. You've got friends in your present life, who wouldn't recognise the person you were (and would be again) with your old friends. What exactly do you want? You sound very confused.

You would benefit from some therapy imho. Take a look at this.

Not some nearly every last one of them... :(

why do you want to be friends with people who look down on "poor" people

and garlic butter your link is daft - I spent most of the last ten years living alone.

So, assuming this is not a wind up - are you going to actually contact anyone you see on FB and say Hi or are you going to decide that because you are poor they won't want to have contact with you?

That's right, pick out the one word that'll allow you to feel sorry for yourself some more.

OK, then You're right, everybody else is wrong. Iit's quite normal to assume people look down on you, simply because they lost contact and you can't be arsed to keep in touch. It's a horrible life, nobody understands you and you deserve better.

Happy now?

OP - FB is the work of the devil. Simply looking at a photograph tells you nothing.

You need to get a grip. You sound desperately unhappy and have quite a warped view of the world.

But op, what do you want people to say to you?

People could join in with your ' they are all mean and I am a victim' but that would not be truthful or productive.

Or they can try and point out that you have a very egocentric take on this, you are not considering anyone else, and your thought processes are entirely negative and unhelpful. Seeing that may help you have some clarity that you are neither abandoned nor rejected. You have just moved in a different direction through your own choices.
Understanding that will allow you to change that.
Feeling sorry for yourself will just make you more miserable.

What do you want?

Missingfriendsandsad Fri 25-Mar-11 09:32:18

After I moved to where I am now I did send off a few e-mails to people about where I was living, went to visit some, but could never convince any to visit me (true I live in a small town, but still...)

Missingfriendsandsad Fri 25-Mar-11 10:10:21

I think I would feel ashamed they have nice houses and big dining rooms and I am still living in a tiny flat in the city centre, great for kings road, but not for having parties

I'm off too.

I would never have noticed that.
I would be a rubbish Miss Marple.

Oh well done mango - had to be a wind up.

I noticed that mango - but couldn't be bothered trawling back. Is this a troll then? I hope so really as I find her quite worrying.

Excellent sleuthing there, mango

? Kings Road is where I work that's why its convenient, the city centre is just what I call town centres.. I call my flat 'my house' too why are you all having a go at me?

I do think where I live is a bit of an issue - it looks like all the parties have been in big cities where is it is quite cool to visit - Reading is only good when the festival is on and I have thought about inviting people to that before, but its a bit teenage these days. I suppose I just feel as though I don't have much to offer people any more.

give it up love :)