Very sad - most significant friends have ignored me for 10 years - not invited to big life events for them - no-one to invite to mine :(

[Missingfriendsandsad]

I have just realised, in a wave of nostalgia, that I am really missing friends I had at uni. Searching for their names found a load of photos of them at parties together - some 40ths, some weddings etc. I am gutted, really sad - they all seem to have kept in such good contact with other and totally excluded me - even though I really considered myself close to them in so many ways. It is even such that some of the people who weren't really in the main close circle around me, have been invited to these events - no one has searched me out, no one seems to even care - its like I died, but no-one noticed.

Its really sad because looking at the pictures of them I feel like I want to hug them all, I love them so much, but now, after thinking about it, I realise how stupid and wasted that love is because its obviously not reciprocated.

What is worse is that all the people from this groups that I had 'things' with are also missing - its as if we are a sad tainted jinxed version and it makes me really sad - some of my pals have had kids with each other and I didn't even know :( I feel so lost that I have been abandoned in this way and I really don't know what to do - I never thought people I would feel so strongly for could not feel the same for me but I know they don't. How do I deal with this?

Thanks for the link garlic

Oh no thats right its not much good to you

Actually looks spot on to me

I only wanted people to be on my side for once, or perhaps make some suggestions or make me feel better :( some hope you are all obsessed with having a go at me - I don't know why, perhaps it is something about me that makes people hate me :( I just don't understand - I have spent all afternoon going through old photos and it definitely looks like people liked me, and I got invited to so many trips and things, I don't know where it went wrong apart from it being when I moved away. Some of the friends on the photos moved away to London proper and did get loads of visits I know, including from me. Perhaps I never was really seen by them in the same way as others - its weird though how even though I know I could send an FB I feel like I would be shaming myself by doing so - and in any case its the feeling that no one reached out to me that I don't like, not the feeling that people would be there if I reached out to them - its a bit like I was testing them I suppose - testing them to see if they really cared and perhaps now I should accept they didn't :(

why do you think I have some sort of psychosis because I miss my friends terribly at the moment? is it really like that now - every emotion being some disorder?? I hope to nelly that my pals hadn't all convinced themselved I was mental because of some tiny thing I'd said :( this thread is definitely not making me feel better :(

OP, have you been at the Sherry? Serious question as you seem to be getting steadily more depressed.

Whatever you are doing, I think you ought to stop and go and get some fresh air. Maybe come back to these issues with a professional.

This has to be a troll - is it school holidays?

and for the record I haven't exactly moved through my own choices - I would never have chosen to be poor, to be distant from people I love and living in a place that is so despairingly boring that people are too depressed to bother killing themselves.. My choice would be to move to a great city, have a great or interesting job and a big house with space to invite friends to - as it is I have nearly the opposite of all of that - and now I am considered a whiner and a fantasist I really am sunk.. I just wanted there to be a glimmer of happiness to look forward to in life, but there just isn't - this friends all meeting up thing is just the last blow in many and I thought there might be good preactical help here, but its been all accusation, blame and criticism just what I don't need at the moment - the one thing my friends were good at is always being on my side, and being pleased with my achievements - its no wonder I am a bit dependent on that, people around here are so miserable and grudging that any 'success' is criticised for 'not being what they would have done' .. god its a grind...

Maybe you have self-esteem issues? ("I don't have much to offer people any more"), and hung up that they live in "nice houses and big dining rooms" , (WTF, who cares?!)

Ever heard the saying:

"I'm not a victim, I'm a volunteer"??

Stop looking back and start to enjoy the rest of your life!!

On the offchance you are not a troll; People are not having a go at you. They are giving you constructive criticism.

You say there is something about you that is making people hate you, posters here are trying to help you to see what that is.

So far they are seeing fro you self pity and refusal to to accept any responsibility for your own predicament. This is a very unattractive quality to other people and could explain why people avoid you. It is a theory.

There are two ways of reacting to news or insight like this.

1. Feel glad that you finally understand what is putting people off contacting you and alienating people. Realising you can change and move past these problems.

1. Feel 'attacked' and refuse to listen to the precious insight people are giving you. Remain entrenched in your unhealthy point of view continuing to be lonely and suffer.

It is up to you.

If I am to blame that just makes me feel worse and even less like resolving it - can't anybody be a bit angry with me for being treated badly? Are we supposed to suck up every poor treatement and blame it on ourselves? It was still awful to see all my friends enjoying good times together without me hwoever much I, jesus, the sun allah, my friends, whatever are to blame - it made me feel awfully sad.

You've had lots of helpful suggestions!

And Reading is hardly the end of the world - it's only 30 minutes on the train to London or Oxford. Seriously, there are loads of things you can do to improve your life if you only start looking around you.

I know someone who talks a bit like you and is really unhappy and embittered... even though she is not much fun to spend time with, she has very high expectations of her (few remaining) friends and dumps them immediately if they fail to fulfil them. You don't need to be like this, just contact your old friends on FB and if things go well suggest a low-key meetup.

that train distance makes it even more depressing - oine of the parties looks like it was in London :(

Missingfriendandsad,

Ok, assuming you're not a troll

If it's not your fault, there's nothing you can do about it, don't get upset.
If it is (at least partly) you at least have the power to change things.

Missing, are you in Reading? That's not a long way from London, is it?

That's ok to feel sad, but learn the lesson from it that maybe you have to put some more effort into maintaining friendships.

I think a stronger person might have been on the phone to one of them saying 'how dare you' I know one of the group who would do this and be a nightmare to people about it - would that be a good idea to let them know it has made me upset??

It must be a wind up

Right OP - giving you the extreme benefit of the doubt here that this is for real.

If you haven't spoken to these people for 20 years, they are NOT your friends.

You need to either make an effort to rebuild bridges (accepting that you are all completely different people now and may not get on anyway), or put it behind you and make strong friendships with new people.

No. It would make you sound like a self absorbed, stupid twat.

So I wouldn't call. Probably

thanks but I don't know how to build relationships in such a strong way anymore how can you? we all slept over in big houses together, grew up together etc etc.. how can you do that with people when you are older? I know some people are good at it, but they are all on bigger salaries than me and can say 'lets go to bristol and stay over' or 'lets go to a show' I have to at best say 'lets get a DVD' its really not the same I know it should be, but it just isn't. I'm sick of being the poor one as well, the one who has to apologise for the burden of being around. oh god, just checked FB and one person's ex who she dumped in first year is now one of her facebook friends ahead of me, who shared a room with her for two years :( this is so depressing.....

oh for fucks sake

Low self esteem is not attractive - and if you don't address it nothing will change.

Missing

You have been obsessing about this since 3am. In the nicest possible way, you need to back away from Facebook, and stop this punishment of yourself.

There has been brilliant advice on this thread. You can choose to ignore, or act on it.

You want to ring people you haven't seen for 20 years, indignant you haven't been invited along to parties?

It would be a very bad idea. Can you imagine them wanting to reconnect with someone who did that?

It's not bloody depressing! FFS

If you want depressing there are two (or more threads on MN that I could link yo that could show you the real meaning of depressing.

Get a grip. Seriously.