Very sad - most significant friends have ignored me for 10 years - not invited to big life events for them - no-one to invite to mine :(

[Missingfriendsandsad]

I have just realised, in a wave of nostalgia, that I am really missing friends I had at uni. Searching for their names found a load of photos of them at parties together - some 40ths, some weddings etc. I am gutted, really sad - they all seem to have kept in such good contact with other and totally excluded me - even though I really considered myself close to them in so many ways. It is even such that some of the people who weren't really in the main close circle around me, have been invited to these events - no one has searched me out, no one seems to even care - its like I died, but no-one noticed.

Its really sad because looking at the pictures of them I feel like I want to hug them all, I love them so much, but now, after thinking about it, I realise how stupid and wasted that love is because its obviously not reciprocated.

What is worse is that all the people from this groups that I had 'things' with are also missing - its as if we are a sad tainted jinxed version and it makes me really sad - some of my pals have had kids with each other and I didn't even know :( I feel so lost that I have been abandoned in this way and I really don't know what to do - I never thought people I would feel so strongly for could not feel the same for me but I know they don't. How do I deal with this?

Facebook, gah, it's like your whole life staring in your face. I think you should accept what you have seen, think about how it's impacted on you, and i do believe you will process it positively if you allow yourself to.

There is a reason you haven't stayed in touch with them,and largely, you are living in the what ifs, but those times are in the past now.

It's a reality check, and you never know you might re think your life, and what you want form the people around you now. What you can give them, and hopefully go on and enjoy what you have.

I have had a few pangs, seeing people have lost mates as facebook friends, but to be absolutely honest, there is a reason i havent thought or kept in touch with some of those i have looked at.

maybe you should recognise some of your reasons and their reasons, not apportion blame, or self loathing. Just accept that it's how it went, and had facebook not been around you would be none the wiser!!

sad thing is, that I think that if facebook wasn't around, I wouldn't have been so 'secure' in the idea that one day I could catch up with them all easily and would probably have been more concerned to keep contact. The reason I wasn't in touch is that I sort of didn't want to get in touch unless I had good news, and I didn't for so long, then I felt too ashamed to tell them what I (wasn't) up to, and that kind of blocked me feeling comfortable about getting in touch, then I realised that if I didn't make moves, they didn't so I sort of sulked a bit, but I didn't realise it would be quite the party it seems to have been for them all - and it does make me sad - thanks for the supportive posts - I guess the ones from people who are shouting 'get over it' and 'whiner' and 'its not them its you' are the ones who are in friendship groups who have left people out and are looking to me to help justify their positions - I think I will get back in touch with them, but I do need something positive to talk about first, or at least be more comfortable about my total lack of success in so many areas (or have something to offset that).

I don't know why, its just that its not them that needs me so I have to have something to offer, don't I? Just being nice to them and listening to their life stories won't be enough will it?

Missing, I think this is where you need to polish your own self-esteem a little. It's like writing a strong, positive CV for a job, don't hide your light under a barrel and don't wait for something external to come along and change things for you before you get in touch. Take charge and follow up the decision, which I think you have been brave to make.

sorry, but you are talking about Reading and London like they were million miles from each other. Many of us do that trip every day, so if you had wanted to keep in touch, you would have surely been able to visit your friends often. And yes, when people move to London they seem less willing to come out to smaller towns, but they still do occassionally. You should have tried to keep in touch, and you didn't. Now is your chance. The worse they can do is ignore your invitation. At best, you'll rekindle the friendship and have a good time. Be brave and get a grip.

If they're decent people, all you need to offer is good company.

You don't seem that convinced they are decent people.

Facebook hasn't been around for 20 years though, has it (or even 12), so what was stopping you before then?

I know what you mean about wanting to have good news to share but tbh, if these were good friends once, they'll probably just be interested to hear from generally and the rest won't matter.

Missing I have just read through this entire thread and I mean this in the kindest, most helpful way possible:

You need to go to your GP and ask about counselling and support for possible depression.

Your responses are coming across as depressed, paranoid obssessed and illogical.

One of the characteristics of depression is a distorted sense of reality meaning that things that seem perfectly normal to you are actually quite odd responses to normal healthy people. This is how you are coming across, very strngly so.

I am not being mean or nasty, I am offering my heartfelt suggestions in total honesty.

I completely agree with MigratingCoconuts. I'm sorry for being harsh earlier, I do know you feel alone with this. But, you remind me very much of a girl I knew many years ago. We worked together briefly when we were 19, she looked me up fifteen years later and rented the flat next door to me.

I felt a little clustrophobic, she reminisced about all the good old days, all the time and i had little memory of them really. She just seemed stuck in the past. When I introduced her to my friends she found fault with them.

In the end, it was clear she was depressed, and she moved back with her mother. I found it very hard to be around her.

Your negativity is screaming out, you really do sound depressed. Why not see your GP, work on your self esteem/image a bit, then get in touch if you still want to.

I have to say, real friends wouldn't judge you if your life was not one big glamerous party.

I'm confused about several things

• Do you have any other friends in your life? It seems as though you are fixating on these uni friends because you don't have friends now...

• why are you so worried about what they will think of your life/house whatever? Real friends shouldn't be bothered. Was your relationship with them at uni a bit competitive and cliquey, and you had to be a certain way to be in the clique?

• Do you have a partner? Kids?

You have said several times that you 'love' them. That's a bit strange, considering you haven't seen them in so long. I wouldn't even say I 'love' most of the friends I have now, maybe my very best friend but that's it. You also said that 'out of 40 or so people' none had stayed in touch. Do you feel this strongly about all of them? Because I don't think it's possible to have a close emotional relationship with 40 people, even over 3 years of uni...

I'm also confused OP...have you had any friends in your life in the last 10 years?

The reason I'm curious is you seem to have 'friends' and 'having money' all mixed up?

Friends are supposed to be with you because they enjoy your company and maybe you have things in common. Not a bunch of 'rent-a-mob' to make up numbers when you want to have a party?

You also seem very angry at these people as if they somehow didn't conform to the strange 'plan' that you seem to have believed would unfold?

I can't believe you think that anyone who expressed the opinion that you were being self-sabotaging and illogical as a bunch of people who had rejected and 'left-out' friends? Where are you getting that from?

Perhaps they were once in your shoes? And are trying to help. You seem to be looking at the whole situation selectively, casting yourself as the victim. But the only person that can change your situation is you. The other people haven't been in touch for years. How can it be you are saying it is their fault?

What makes you think their lives have been a ball in the years you haven't seen them ?

shit happens to everyone, most people pick themselves up, dust themselves down and get on with it

You aren't listening a word anyone says, are you?

You need more help than anyone who is not a professional can give you. You are certainly not going to get such help from people who haven't seen you for years. It's not their job to fix some random face from the past who shows up whining. And you are not going to get the help you need from a bunch of posters on a website, either.
I'm not going to tell you to pull yourself together, because it's obvious that you can't. I'm hoping there's a switch to flip that will help you see that you need to ask for proper professional help. Before you carry on down a path that is probably going to lead to things like restraining orders against you.

I agree SGB.
OP I'm not sure you actually understand how friendships work. It isn't about what you have/what you have achieved/how much you have in your bank account. Friendship is so much more than that. Friendship is reciprocal. Its being there for one another through the good times and the bad.
I'm sorry to say you sound very bitter and I am sure you are imagining that if you had stayed in contact with all these people then your life would have taken a different turn. But its just not true. Your life is your life.
It sounds like you want to improve it. In which case go for it and if you decide to do that I know there will be many MNers who can help/advise you on how to do that but don't rely on people you knew 20odd years ago to make your life better.

• I meant improve your life

If there was NO FB you wouldnt be able to spy on these peoples lives. You would'nt be able to feel sorry about being left out!!!! As you would'nt know anything

If you wanted to know what they had been up to and get invite's to their big important events you would need to do it the old fashioned way: Stay in touch remain friends. Make an effort,stay interested.

Friendship is a two way thing.

Get off FB and make some friends! make contact!. Stop looking at their photos. If they wanted you to know what they have been doing you would already know..simple as that.
No point feeling sorry for the life you didnt have with all these people.

Make new memories and new photos. What they have done with their lives is not your concern if none of them and you havent bothered to stay in touch.

Sorry if that sounds harsh..FB doesnt help make people feel better when they are feeling low and lost.
Its just a tool to boast on

"look at our great parties"
"look at our great lives"
"look who was at my wedding"

Dont get me wrong I use it(FB) too but only to keep in touch with my family who are 3000+ miles away. I miss not being able to share dc's birthdays etc with them.

I too have had some pretty shitty lonely years as a single mum! I didnt want to stay in touch with any friends as I could'nt socialise with them I could'nt do much with my DS in tow. Had no money and lived in a tiny flat.

Now life has changed for me, married, living abroad. I still didnt get in touch with old friends, as what would i say to them. They have moved on so have I.
My 2 longtime friends and newer ones know me now.... the day to day me.

Gah! I'm ashamed to be posting again on your thread, missing, but just in case ....

... For the first three years of my depression I was pretty much housebound, had ridiculous obligations to keep up thanks to my ill-advised divorce settlement, and was fighting my employers who were afraid I'd take action against them. It was hideous. I went, very fast, from being a glamorous, well-paid, "success" to being incapable of holding a small, everyday life together. It was terrifying. Of course I lost most of my friends: those friendships were built on lunches & dinners costing £'00s and all of a sudden I lacked enough money for electricity & food, never mind lovely clothes and jolly expensive japes. On top of which, I didn't thave the energy or enthusiasm for mindless nights out.

I was REALLY depressed. I'm still suicidal (she says cheerfully; that's one of the things therapy can give you!) but, back then, my whole world was dark grey and I saw the worst in everything. Internet forums were my sole lifeline to the 'real world'. Always admitting that most avid forum posters have reasons for interacting by text rather than face-to-face or by voice, they literally saved my life, often, during what I still think of as the "dark years".

My real-life friends did their best to keep up down with me - and were lovely, though I couldn't see it at the time. However, things had changed so much for me that our shared world-view (the one where it's good to spend £300 on a few drinks) was no longer shared. I couldn't afford, financially or emotionally, to keep them going. So I let them slide.

Whether or not you realise it, what you've done is, similarly, let those friendships lside. It's very likely that you have done so for similar reasons - consciously or unconsciously, you've chosen a path of personal development that involves living a smaller life, being more solitary and considering many things in depth. As I've already said, this is what I've done too but I think the BIG difference is that you didn't realise you were making those choices.

Hence, you probably feel like your old life & old self has been "taken away" from you. By whom, or what? Can you think about that?

Folk you haven't seen for 20 years aren't friends, they're people you used to know. I used to know lots of slebs, but I don't feel they've dropped me. Our lives put us together 20 years ago, now they don't. It's the way of life.

I would really like you to think about this, if you don't mind? Perhaps you could post back with your personal view of what's happened with you in the past couple of decades, and how it feels to you?

Thanks :)

(((GarlicButter)))

What an amazingly brave post. FWIW, I'd like to be friends with the new you - sounds much nicer than the old you.

Very brave garlic butter.

OP - please read back through this thread and read the advice that's been given.

Wow GarlicButter. I really hope the OP takes on board what you have said. Good luck with your continuing recovery. You sound very together and very lovely

Thanks! :)

Op's gone quiet, but I'd like to think she is still reading and she has taken on board the brave things you said, Garlic.

This will only represent 1-2% of their lives.
98-99% of their life will be their current family, work colleagues, sports, activities, clubs, social life, neighbours etc.

Correspondingly, 98-99% of your life "should be" about your current social connections.
You are only "missing out" at the very very most 1-2% of "your life".

Is this how it feels to you ?

Was going to say AIBU is definitely not the best place to post this.

Anyway relships is doing a pretty good impression of AIBU. :o