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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very sad - most significant friends have ignored me for 10 years - not invited to big life events for them - no-one to invite to mine :(

250 replies

Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 03:01

I have just realised, in a wave of nostalgia, that I am really missing friends I had at uni. Searching for their names found a load of photos of them at parties together - some 40ths, some weddings etc. I am gutted, really sad - they all seem to have kept in such good contact with other and totally excluded me - even though I really considered myself close to them in so many ways. It is even such that some of the people who weren't really in the main close circle around me, have been invited to these events - no one has searched me out, no one seems to even care - its like I died, but no-one noticed.

Its really sad because looking at the pictures of them I feel like I want to hug them all, I love them so much, but now, after thinking about it, I realise how stupid and wasted that love is because its obviously not reciprocated.

What is worse is that all the people from this groups that I had 'things' with are also missing - its as if we are a sad tainted jinxed version and it makes me really sad - some of my pals have had kids with each other and I didn't even know :( I feel so lost that I have been abandoned in this way and I really don't know what to do - I never thought people I would feel so strongly for could not feel the same for me but I know they don't. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
wonkeydonkies · 25/03/2011 10:49

you sound a bit shallow OP

why not make some new friends instead of trying to hang on to these nostalgic ghosts

CelebratedMonkey · 25/03/2011 11:10

They're not in touch with you because you're not in touch with them! If you want to get in touch now, it's simple - send off some FB friend requests and tag yourself in some photos. Easy.

I'm friends with hardly anyone from my school days and I will tell you whose fault it is - MINE! I was rubbish at staying in touch, holding grudges, not picking up the phone, getting nervous about meet-ups and I just let myself drift away. Yes it did hurt when I saw that some people were still close. I would love to have a group of friends I'd grown up with. But you and I can still do something about it. A schoolfriend of mine died recently. She was only 30. Felt ill in August, was diagnosed with terminal cancer in September, died in December. We were no longer in touch (though were facebook 'friends' so occasionally clicked 'like' on each other's walls) but I'd been to her house for sleepovers as a teenager. We'd become penpals when she left my hometown. I still have her letters. Her death taught me that life is too bloody short to be nervous and wallowing like my natural tendencies would lead me to be.

I got in touch with two other girls who'd also been friends with her and we met up last month. One I had not seen for 12 years. I was nervous - in that particular case it was definitely my fault for us not being in touch (I'd sent a snippy email about her putting her boyfriend above her friends, oops... I wasn't the most thoughtful 18-year-old). But you know what, she was lovely and friendly and welcoming. We all chatted as if we were 18 again. It might not happen again or very often but the door is open now and it is up to me (again, I might add) to maintain contact.

You are not in control of other people, only yourself.

Best of luck.

FattyArbuckel · 25/03/2011 11:17

OP your perspective on life is really wierd tbh. From your posts it sounds like you need some serious psychological help. Why not try counselling?

You haven't been made a victim of by your friends of 20 years ago because there lives are not about you which you don't seem to be able to get to grips with.

Life is here and now and you need to get on with living in the here and now. Counselling will help you do this and for the sake of your family I hope you try it. It's isn't everyone else else who just "doesn't get" what you are saying, its that what you are saying is genuinely crazy talk.

Get some counselling and spend some time developing the friendships with your current friends. You are not the you that you were 20 years ago, you are the you that you are right here and now.

What are the big life events that you have coming up? There is nothing to stop you inviting your college friends along together with your current friends but don't be suprised if not many want to come after you have not contacted them in 20 years. Don't be upset if none of them want to come as tbh you have let the friendships die and are really asking to start a new friendship up in effect - these people don't neccessarily have anything in common with you anymore as they have moved on, just like you have.

Why do you think that the responsibility for friendship is always with other people? That's not what friendship is.

Original poster
Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 11:34

you are saying that it all should be with me? That its my fault and that my perspective is weird and that I am whiney? :( :( why are you all being horrible to me now? I just wanted some advice.. perhaps I really am not loveable at all :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 11:36

anyway if I invited my college friends and they all came they would outnumber my current friends by about 3:1 and I am sure my new freinds would feel that they didn't really know me. Its sad. Idon't mind life being unfair the other way but not when its unfair against you :(

OP posts:
spatchcock · 25/03/2011 11:39

Missing there has been plenty of great and sensible advice on this thread, you are choosing to ignore it!

wonkeydonkies · 25/03/2011 11:40

oh this has to be a wind up now

why are you all being horrible to me now? .. perhaps I really am not loveable at all

piprabbit · 25/03/2011 11:43

Yes, it should all start with you. It is up to you to initiate and attempt to maintain contact. You friends will either respond positively (and all you problems will disappear in a puff of green smoke - hurrah) or they will not (in which case what is your back up plan?).

As to your loveability - I've only just met you on a forum, I don't know you and certainly can't take a view on how people in RL see you. Perhaps this thread doesn't show you in your best light. Tells us some more about yourself, what makes you a great friend, fun to be around etc. etc.

Ball is in your court, Missing. What are you going to do next to change the things you are unhappy with?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/03/2011 11:43

You're not behaving in a lovable fashion, OP. No one likes a whinyarse. There's probably good stuff in you as there is in most people, but right now it's smothered in self-pity and YOU need to fix that.

Ciske · 25/03/2011 11:45

I am starting to think this is windup, except I have a friend who is very similar to you. So I'm gonna tell you what I told him:

The world isn't a conspiracy to make you miserable, but if you only look for the bad in other people, that's all you will ever find. Count your blessings and take charge of your life.

Amen. Wink

piprabbit · 25/03/2011 11:46

P.S. the bit about not minding if other people have a shit unfair life, but it not being OK if the shit unfairness comes your way, really does come across as a deeply unattractive opinion and might be why posters on this thread are becoming a little Hmm.

PatriciaHolm · 25/03/2011 11:47

You sound about 5 years old. "Life is SOOO UNFAIR why are you being HORRIBLE to me WAAAAAAAA!"

You didn't keep in contact. Friendship is a two way street, you didn't bother, so no-one else did.

You wanted advice; you have been given lots. You are just choosing to ignore it because no-one has agreed with you.

gettingeasier · 25/03/2011 11:49

Is this serious ? It cant be surely ?

goldenticket · 25/03/2011 11:52

Is this Titania? I recognise this posting style.

FattyArbuckel · 25/03/2011 11:54

" Idon't mind life being unfair the other way but not when its unfair against you"

So its fine if shit stuff happens to your friends but not if it happens to you? blimey I am beginning to think that you are right and its no accident that your friends haven't been in touch

CelebratedMonkey · 25/03/2011 12:01

You know how you feel ignored by your friends? Well I kinda feel ignored by you after spending far too much time typing up advice.

If you're going to wallow this much, not sure any of us can help you...

Bumblequeen · 25/03/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

follyfoot · 25/03/2011 12:07

Have to say this poster is making me laugh now, surely someone on a wind-up. No-one can be that self absorbed can they Hmm

FourFortyFour · 25/03/2011 12:08

I understand how you feel. I had 2 close friends at school and lost touch. I moved abroad and didn't think they would be bothered about seeing me when i came back. I never stopped thinking about them and got in touch. One we chat as if we live next door and talk every day even though we don't and it is mostly email/text. We have met up a couple of times too. The other one I have met once and never hear from unless I contact her. There are a couple of other people I have had contact with again but if I don't contact one of them, then nothing. The other was just a couple of chats on FB.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 25/03/2011 12:08

I think its a bit unusual to be so hung up on friends you made 20 years ago and didn't stay in touch with.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/03/2011 12:14

Some people do have their heads up their whiny arses to this extent, unfortunately. And there's fuck all that can be done for them until they realise this and get a grip.

perfumedlife · 25/03/2011 12:15

God, I cannot for the life of me understand this need to keep in touch with people just for the sake of longevity! They were friends, now they aren't. If you had really so much love for each other, you would have stayed in touch, right from the off.

You didn't. For what ever reason. You chose not to. Live with it.

Or, message them on facebook. But know this, friendship is a two way thing. Ask yourself, what have you to offer these friends? Or do you plan to lay there while they tell you how wonderful you are?

NorkyButNice · 25/03/2011 12:31

You've got to be taking the mick now.

If not, you need counselling and or anti-depressants while you work out why are you so unhappy with yourself.

adelaidegirl · 25/03/2011 12:35

If you managed to live without them for 10 years without noticing I am sure you can get through the rest of your life without them.

SueWhite · 25/03/2011 12:35

This IS starting to sound like a piss take now...

But in case it's not, you really do need some counselling or something. Thinking that they've 'cut out the poor person', that you need to do something to get in the papers so they'll notice you, or that you should have married someone 'within the group'.... these are not normal thoughts.

And also, yes, most people wait for others to make the first move in friendships. I've noticed that a lot of socialising happens just because one or two people make the plans all the time, and invite the people they want and are in contact with.

The key to socialising is making an effort, honestly.

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