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Original poster

Very sad - most significant friends have ignored me for 10 years - not invited to big life events for them - no-one to invite to mine :(

250 replies

Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 03:01

I have just realised, in a wave of nostalgia, that I am really missing friends I had at uni. Searching for their names found a load of photos of them at parties together - some 40ths, some weddings etc. I am gutted, really sad - they all seem to have kept in such good contact with other and totally excluded me - even though I really considered myself close to them in so many ways. It is even such that some of the people who weren't really in the main close circle around me, have been invited to these events - no one has searched me out, no one seems to even care - its like I died, but no-one noticed.

Its really sad because looking at the pictures of them I feel like I want to hug them all, I love them so much, but now, after thinking about it, I realise how stupid and wasted that love is because its obviously not reciprocated.

What is worse is that all the people from this groups that I had 'things' with are also missing - its as if we are a sad tainted jinxed version and it makes me really sad - some of my pals have had kids with each other and I didn't even know :( I feel so lost that I have been abandoned in this way and I really don't know what to do - I never thought people I would feel so strongly for could not feel the same for me but I know they don't. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
nooka · 25/03/2011 03:36

So how hard did you tried to keep in touch with your friends? Are you sure that this wasn't more of a drifting apart/losing touch? I could just be that the other people have been more active in keeping in touch wit each other than you.

I have almost completely lost touch with my best friends from university but I hold myself responsible really - if I liked them so much I guess I should have put more effort into sustaining the relationships. Still I recently got back in touch with two of them, and it hasn't really mattered that we've lost a few years.

The thing is that when you are living in a community like university you don't have to do very much to sustain friendships, and then everyone goes off to do their own thing, time passes and you realise that you no longer have the right phone numbers, or you feel too guilty to pick up the phone and more time goes by and the friendship has gone really.

But I'm sorry you feels so sad. Have you tried to reestablish the friendships or are you just looking on from the outside now?

Morloth · 25/03/2011 05:43

Like nooka said, how come you didn't stay in touch with them?

If you loved them so much why not pick up the phone yourself?

Bluemoonrising · 25/03/2011 06:42

Do they know how to find you? Has your surname changed through marriage and do they know your new one?

There could be all sorts of reasons, but there is no harm in dropping a quick email/message saying 'Hi, just found you on facebook (whatever), how are things? Would be great to catch up some time'

You might be pleasantly surprised, or it might confirm what you feel. Either way you'd know.

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 25/03/2011 06:51

You've just realised you miss them? It's what almost 20 years since you left uni? It's sounds you are jealous tbh. You've not made an effort to keep in touch with them yet feel bad that they've not tried to keep in touch with you? Has something happened recently?

SixtyFootDoll · 25/03/2011 07:04

Have you made the effort to stay in touch with them?

SixtyFootDoll · 25/03/2011 07:04

Have you made the effort to stay in touch with them?

FattyArbuckel · 25/03/2011 07:05

If you haven't been making an effort to stay in touch with them then there Is your answer. Why expect others to maintain friendship with you? This is a weird and "princess" attitude to adopt!! It seems like a real misunderstanding of what friendship is so it doesn't suprise me that you say you don't have friends to invite to significant events.

If you want to be friends with your uni mates then you should get in touch with them not carry on waiting fr them to get in touch with you and feeling hard done bt

Lucyinthepie · 25/03/2011 07:55

I am still in touch with some friends from secondary school (30+ years ago). They are the ones who pick up the phone every once in a blue moon and ring to make sure I'm still alive and kicking, and I do the same for them. It might only be once every 6 months or even yearly, but we keep that tenuous link going.

I don't see why people are being quite so harsh on you, this is Relationships after all, not AIBU. It's easy to drift apart and it is what most of us do. I think you have the choice of either deciding to try contacting some of them or being happy for the friends you have now and moving on. This might be a reminder to pick up the phone and find out how some more recent friends are getting on.

Original poster
Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 09:08

I am sad because its not just been day to day contacts - there have been several big events to which it looks like all of the group were invited, so people have obv made an effort to get the word out - there they all are on FB in photos that look like our old parties, but I'm not there.

I am really easy to find on the web, and I am a freind with one person who stayed a bit in touch about 9 years ago, so with hardly any effort, i.e. just a 'remember x' I could have been invited.

One picture posted of us at uni has everyone named in it except me :( - and no-one has even said 'is that x?' in the posts - I was really shocked when I saw all this :( :( I even had little things with some of the guys - its shocking that they don't even remember me or care that I was there, it has been such a kick in the guts to find this out, and I feel horrible...

I do remember ragging them out once when one of our pals was having a bad time and they, as a group, had 'decided' that she was 'ignoring them' without actually seeing if anything was wrong - so maybe the same has happened to me, but I still think a big event, esp based on photos of our past together would have resulted in at least one search for my name - my mobile has been the same number for 12 years, and I know that some of this group had my current address when I moved here 10 years ago. Its still terribly depressing. :(

OP posts:
zikes · 25/03/2011 09:12

Friendship goes both ways, if you haven't picked up the phone to them, you're as responsible as they are for letting it go.

Original poster
Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 09:17

really? but not one has made a first move to me.. not one out of about 40!

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 25/03/2011 09:19

I don't understand. You seem to expect them to search you out when they are inviting people. They probably invite the people that they are in touch with on a regular, normal day-to-day basis. The people that make an effort to keep up friendships, the people that they see regularly.

You can't expect them to just think of you when you have had no contact with them for years.

zikes · 25/03/2011 09:27

And out of 40 friends not one's heard from you in ages? They may think that's your choice.

You can't brood over pictures on FaceBook and feel badly done to, when you haven't made any effort to keep in touch yourself.

Try getting in contact with some of them and see if there's a friendship to rekindle.

Original poster
Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 09:32

No you are getting this wrong - there are people who have moved to all over the UK and would have been sought out, not bumped into. After I moved to where I am now I did send off a few e-mails to people about where I was living, went to visit some, but could never convince any to visit me (true I live in a small town, but still...) I even bumped into one and had a long chat a couple of years ago but my FB research shows that he must have been planning his 40th birthday at the time, and still didn't get in touch.. its awful :(

OP posts:
goldenticket · 25/03/2011 09:35

Do you exchange Christmas cards with any of them? I think if none of them had heard a dicky bird from you for 10+ years then your expectations are way too high tbh.

Original poster
Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 09:46

I don't know their addresses- much marrying and movement on their part - none on mine

OP posts:
Justforthekids · 25/03/2011 09:47

Missing, you are just looking at the past with rose tinted glasses. Thinking about all the good times and forgetting the bad. Thinking about a time where you were young, had little responsabilities and comparing it with now. Very similar to the sort of feelings you can have when you look at old photographs. That's the nostalgia bit.
Except that with FB you can now trace people and see what they are up to.
You see photographs of happy times and you want to be part of it (because you feel and act as if you were still at Uni and young).

However remember that all your friends have probably changed (just as you have) and might not the be the sort of people you would like to spend time with.
They all have their share of problems and defects.
You have made your own way in life just as they have. That is OK really.

So the question is really 'why do you feel bad about it? Has your life turned out the way you wanted it to be? Do you have close friends now?'

Remember, some people are there to be your friend for a short time, to make you grow, others are there for years and finally some (but very few) will be life time friends. Look at the friends you have now and enjoy them!

Mollymax · 25/03/2011 09:48

Frindships are a two way thing and need to be nurtured, you should not just rely on others to get in touch with you, maybe they all think you wanted a clean break after uni. If you are that bothered with it contact them all and suggest a reunion.

Original poster
Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 09:49

this is gettin worse - so many have had babies without me knowing.. i havn't found anyone who has died yet though... its awful finding this all out.. :(

OP posts:
Skinit · 25/03/2011 09:53

With my old Uni mates, I send odd emails on a semi regular basis...just newsy things....I ask after them, if you have FB you MUST have been notified of babies being born etc Did you send congrats? This is what people mean by making an effort

AxisofEvil · 25/03/2011 09:54

OP - why not drop a few a line via facebook saying hi, thought I'd say hello, see you've got 2 lovely kids now, if you're in town it would be fab to catch up.

JaneS · 25/03/2011 09:54

I agree with Just here. I think it's safe to say if you've not sought them out in ten years, what you're missing isn't them (you don't know them any more), it's the good times you had.

I do this with my primary school best friend - I see pictures and think 'awww' and for a minute or two I'd love to be close with her again because we had such fun. It's a completely natural reaction. But it was also over 20 years ago!

I don't see why your friends are more 'significant' just because they knew you when you were younger. Lots of people do seem to think you should have friends you've known your whole life - but why? It doesn't always work like that if you or they move around a lot.

Why don't you put the old photos down and invite someone round for coffee or out for a meal?

CourseyoucanMalcolm · 25/03/2011 09:55

OP - not one of the 40 of them has thought to get in touch with you. But, unless I misunderstand, neither have you thought to get in touch with a single one of all 40 of them.

zikes · 25/03/2011 09:55

Get in touch with them! Grin Don't torture yourself by sort of staring through their windows like a FB peeping tom Grin.

Send 'em a message/try to add them as friends and get chatting. You may find out there's nothing left between you or you may find you're welcomed back into the fold.

No point imagining you've been deliberately cut out. Take a risk and find out.

Justforthekids · 25/03/2011 09:56

You should stop looking at FB....

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