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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very sad - most significant friends have ignored me for 10 years - not invited to big life events for them - no-one to invite to mine :(

250 replies

Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 03:01

I have just realised, in a wave of nostalgia, that I am really missing friends I had at uni. Searching for their names found a load of photos of them at parties together - some 40ths, some weddings etc. I am gutted, really sad - they all seem to have kept in such good contact with other and totally excluded me - even though I really considered myself close to them in so many ways. It is even such that some of the people who weren't really in the main close circle around me, have been invited to these events - no one has searched me out, no one seems to even care - its like I died, but no-one noticed.

Its really sad because looking at the pictures of them I feel like I want to hug them all, I love them so much, but now, after thinking about it, I realise how stupid and wasted that love is because its obviously not reciprocated.

What is worse is that all the people from this groups that I had 'things' with are also missing - its as if we are a sad tainted jinxed version and it makes me really sad - some of my pals have had kids with each other and I didn't even know :( I feel so lost that I have been abandoned in this way and I really don't know what to do - I never thought people I would feel so strongly for could not feel the same for me but I know they don't. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

Katisha · 25/03/2011 10:26

Stop wallowing and send some friend requests on FB.

Get off FB.

piprabbit · 25/03/2011 10:27

It seems that you think they are flaunting their friendships at those on the outside. This is unlikely to be the case, people are generally too self-centered to think beyond their day-today lives.

Wormshuffler · 25/03/2011 10:27

Don't worry about it............the past is gone, look to the future. It's not all bad, you have found Mumsnet!

GloriaSmut · 25/03/2011 10:27

For goodness sake turn that fucking blue moany smiley thing OFF or at least stop enclosing every sentence with one.

Anyone would think you were some sort of Tragic Heroine instead of someone who'd rather hang around on on the internet envying former friends the Facebook version of their lives. Get a grip!

zikes · 25/03/2011 10:28

Stop it, you're almost enjoying wallowing.

As piprabbit said, on FB everyone puts forth their happy face.

Ahhbisto said contact had been dropped on both sides.

You can't blame people for you not being in the forefront of their minds years later.

People's lives move on and either you keep in touch or you drop out of their circle. You can either make the effort to renew the friendship off your own bat, or let it go. Don't sit feeling hard-done-by though.

AhhBisto · 25/03/2011 10:29

but missing, no-one "left anyone out" - some of us made the effort to keep in touch with one another, a two-way effort. some people drifted away, went travelling, didn't return emails, didn't provide emails, whatever. 20 years on and of course I wouldn't think "ooh I must invite that girl I used to hang out with at uni to my bday party". Why would I? Not least because I think they might think that was a bit odd. Not being mean, or malicious, or excluding. Just practical about meeting up with the people who are now, still, friends.

Pagwatch · 25/03/2011 10:29

Missing
You are being really silly now.

If you liked these people, if they were nice and had nice qualities, why on earth would you think so badly if them as to assume that they chose to ' cut out the poor person'
That is ridiculous and a bit self absorbed.
It also does not appear to have occurred to you that one or two of them will have had bereavements, or illness or disability or depression to deal with and may be a bit sad that not once in 20 years did you reach out to support them.

You can't walk away from your friends and then make them the only people responsible.
I lost a load of friends when I faced difficulties. But it was mostly because I was so absorbed with my grief I didn't have room for others.

You sound depressed. But making yourself into a victim won't help.
Friendships require commitment from both sides.
They haven't abandoned you. You just drifted away.

JaneS · 25/03/2011 10:29

missing, your last post makes me think you're not really letting yourself think this through. Here are the facts:

You did not contact these people in ten years.
You cannot expect them to do all the work of being 'friends'.
You are saying this is 'not what friendship is about': but after 10 years, these people don't owe you anything. Certainly they don't owe it to you to seek you out.
There is nothing special or magic about these people that would change your life. Really, really, really.

Sorry, but this is true.

Original poster

Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 10:30

Its not so much that - its that they have pictures of loads of parties where they are all happy - I haven't been to one party like that for 10 years (not the blue sadface)

OP posts:

piprabbit · 25/03/2011 10:31

I think you should watch Peter's Friends on DVD.

And then move on.

queenrollo · 25/03/2011 10:32

you are in a spiral of self pity over this and you need to damn well kick yourself up the backside and get out of it.

Really.

Unless you have a solid, concrete reason why these people would leave you out (you tumble dried their cat or something) then you need to do what was suggested - tag yourself in the photo, leave a comment and in the next couple of days befriend a few of them.

I'm friends on Fb with people I had a mispent 20's with, we had a flurry of messages when we first hooked up, lots of meet ups and then the nostalgia fades and you go back to not really communicating. But some friendships were rekindled.

you have to stop being so down on yourself and just make friends with them.

I like you was much fonder of the 'me' in my 20's - she got battered by life and I didn't like who i became - i made the effort to get in touch with old friends and the old me emerged and I am so happy now, and my old cider drinking buddy (who i didn't see for 15 years) is now a very close friend again.

give it a go....

wonkeydonkies · 25/03/2011 10:32

oh god I have not found ANYONE with a job worse than mine no wonder, its cut out the poor person isn't it

this says it all for me, you are obviously the woe-is-me type who thinks everyone is picking on her

i dont think i would have sought you out either :)

JaneS · 25/03/2011 10:32

Ok, now that does make sense. And is rotten for you.

Mind you, it's as people are saying: you see the happy pics on facebook, not the bit out of the camera shot where someone's wife is having an affair or someone's dad has just died and they're only getting that drunk and giggly because they're still struggling. You weren't there, so you can't know what those parties were like: all you can bet on for sure is that the pics tell the best story!

Who do you have in your life now? Workmates you like? Parents of your DCs friends? Siblings?

It sounds as if you need someone to go for a drink with you and make you forget about chasing your tail on facebook.

Original poster

Missingfriendsandsad · 25/03/2011 10:34

I still think you are wrong, when I am with people I really love I change - even tho I am sad reading this, I can feel some of that old more complete me coming back there is something special and magic about them - it wasn't just 'that person at uni' we spent about 10 years in close connection, drinking, holidaying, sleeping with each other (not all at once, obv). I have just found someone else (not on FB) who was 'in the group' but then 'out' because his dad died - he is super successful so I am surprised no-one seems to be 'friends' with him on FB... perhaps I was the one that no-one liked, but it didn't seem like it... ever.

OP posts:

JaneS · 25/03/2011 10:34

queen, d'you speak from experience about tumbledried cats?!

Katisha · 25/03/2011 10:35

And if you are going to continue in the "I am not good enough for them because they have large dining rooms" vein then :

a) Why would you want to be friends with them anyway if they would look down on you

b) You are deciding that they would look down on you which does not give a very good impression of you or your opinion of them

c) you have serious self-esteem issues and might want to get some counselling perhaps

GloriaSmut · 25/03/2011 10:35

But you really cannot tell the quality of an event from the pictures that will go up on Facebook. Some of the most dire events I've had the misfortune to endure cover have also ended up being recorded on Facebook in an entirely deceptive "bestest ever time of our lives" manner. So deceptive has this version been that sometimes I've had to remind myself I was actually AT the event in question...

JaneS · 25/03/2011 10:36

missing, I don't think anyone doubts you change when you're with people you love and are happy with. But that's you, it's not them!

BaggedandTagged · 25/03/2011 10:37

"have just found someone else (not on FB) who was 'in the group' but then 'out' because his dad died - he is super successful so I am surprised no-one seems to be 'friends' with him on FB... perhaps I was the one that no-one liked, but it didn't seem like it... ever."

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maybe he's not on FB. I know it's shocking, but some people aren't, or maybe he's been so busy being super successful that he lost touch with them, but I tell you one thing, I'll bet my bottom dollar that he's not spending today stalking his old friends on the internet and lamenting their loss.........

AhhBisto · 25/03/2011 10:42

if you really believe that someone who was "in" the group, was then shoved "out" of the group because his dad died, why on earth would you want to be friends with that group of people???

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/03/2011 10:42

Sorry but you need to get some professional help before you message your former friends. They may, in the future, be pleased to hear from you and rekindle the friendship, but right now you are so utterly miserable and negative that you are not going to be able to do anything but bleat at them and complain that they are not looking after you. And no one is going to respond well to someone getting in touch out of the blue just to whine and moan.
You also mentioned that you bollocked the entire group 10 years ago for ignoring someone else so it's possible that they decided that you were a needy, demanding whinyarse then and took a step back.

Only you can fix you. And while people should be sympathetic to an unhappy friend, no one has limitless patience with a whiner who doesn't do anything about his/her issues. It's not the job of your former friends to fix your life - why would they even want to if you have ignored them for a decade? It's your job.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 25/03/2011 10:43

But you only seem to be interested in them for what they can do for you. Maybe this is why they haven't been in touch.

You want them to make you feel young again, you want them to "fix" you, you want them to make you happy.

This isn't what friendship is about.

zikes · 25/03/2011 10:44

Ok, as I understand it from you:

these people (who don't know anything about how your life is going, not having heard from you in years) have deliberately decided you're useless and not worth knowing because you're not rich and successful, (which they know how?)

And they're such magic wonderful people that make you happy and your life different and amazing yet are complete snobby gits who are so horrible they'd cut out a guy who was bereaved?

Does that really make any kind of sense to you?

queenrollo · 25/03/2011 10:46

little red no neither I nor my friends ever tumble dried a cat. we got up to all sorts but no animals were injured or psyhologically scarred in the process

missing you honeslty sound depressed In fact you sound remarkably how i did just over three years ago before I realised I needed to change. Please, please don't keep on filling your head with all this negative stuff.

Just damn well make friends with at least one of them and start a 'what's happened over the years?' message.

please before i hunt you down and forcefeed you a whole swiss roll to shut you up.

monkeysmum79 · 25/03/2011 10:46

Maybe you should tag yourself in the photo and add a comment at the bottom something simple like "Boo" or "Hello Strangers!" it will go to all the people who are tagged in the photo. You never know you will probably be really pleased with the outcome. YOU ARE DOING TOO MUCH THINKING!

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