Very sad - most significant friends have ignored me for 10 years - not invited to big life events for them - no-one to invite to mine :(

[Missingfriendsandsad]

I have just realised, in a wave of nostalgia, that I am really missing friends I had at uni. Searching for their names found a load of photos of them at parties together - some 40ths, some weddings etc. I am gutted, really sad - they all seem to have kept in such good contact with other and totally excluded me - even though I really considered myself close to them in so many ways. It is even such that some of the people who weren't really in the main close circle around me, have been invited to these events - no one has searched me out, no one seems to even care - its like I died, but no-one noticed.

Its really sad because looking at the pictures of them I feel like I want to hug them all, I love them so much, but now, after thinking about it, I realise how stupid and wasted that love is because its obviously not reciprocated.

What is worse is that all the people from this groups that I had 'things' with are also missing - its as if we are a sad tainted jinxed version and it makes me really sad - some of my pals have had kids with each other and I didn't even know :( I feel so lost that I have been abandoned in this way and I really don't know what to do - I never thought people I would feel so strongly for could not feel the same for me but I know they don't. How do I deal with this?

I expect if you got in touch with them, they would be really pleased to hear from you.

Clearly some of them at least have all been together, communicating, meeting up throughout - why did you stop? when did you stop?

Missing, it can be hard to look back on times when we are happy and wonder where they have gone. Realising that we are/were peripheral to other people's lives and that the times we felt were happy seem to go unremembered and uncommented by others is a big blow - it makes you question your own memories (was it really that good?) and sense of self. I really do get all that.

I fell out of touch with many of my uni friends. Most of the time I don't give it a second thought. The times I have found it hard were after the very newsworthy deaths of two of my friends (in seperate incidents), not having anyone to share the grief with - and I did grieve for them, their families and their lost dreams.

I think that you need to put your uni friends in the past and enjoy the life and friends you have today. There is no point regretting the 'what ifs'.

this is the second time I've tried and I am shocked at all the reunions, meet-ups etc they have been doing without me :( its true my life is awful and I am not progressing in ways i would like, and that is why I wanted to see people who i thought really knew me (my pals at the moment really don't know me as well as (I thought) these old pals knew me) and I was looking for some guidance from people who knew me when I was much more 'the real me' - I am so disappointed to find out that it has ended up like this :( :(

oh god I have not found ANYONE with a job worse than mine :( no wonder, its cut out the poor person isn't it :( :(

Missing, you cannot look to these people for guidance. They cannot fix your life for you.

you haven't spoken to them in years. You must realise that these people do not know you now. You do not know them. You are yearning for a time when you felt more positive, rather than for how things are now. That is understandable, but it isn't going to fix anything.

You are the real you. However you are. You might have felt happier then, but it isn't "then" any more. You need to deal with your life as it is now, rather than hanging on to life in your early twenties.

as for sending a message, now I see how everyone's life is, I think I would feel ashamed :( they have nice houses and big dining rooms and I am still living in a tiny flat in the city centre, great for kings road, but not for having parties :(

Missing, I think that you need to stop looking. Why on earth have you trawled through all of these profiles, looking at their jobs and comparing them to you and your life? DO you really think that they have cut you out because you have a job that is not comparable to them?

Are you depressed?

But friendship is not about what you have, or what job you do, or where you live. It's about who you are. And you seem to be desperately unhappy with yourself.

no pfft I was the real me in my 20s - I have had to become so many artificial things since in order to fit in - when I was younger the people around me liked me for who I was, now people like me for what I nearly am, that is why I am missing them so much.

Missing, try to remember that people bullshit about themselves on the internet. Try to make their lives seem brighter, shinier, happier. They won't be posting about the fact that their OH is shagging around, or that they are on disciplinary warning at work, or that the kids are a nightmare. They will post about the good stuff, add a zero to their salary and hope they are fooling everyone.

If you really want to give them another chance then get in touch with one or two of them. If you aren't prepared to take the first step then stop looking at them on FB and googling them, it makes you look stalkerish and doesn't actually help you solve your problems.

missing, stop torturing yourself with the comparisons.

You keep saying they've done all these meet-ups without you. You're not thinking how it will have happened. You've not been in touch; they obviously are all in touch. At some point, probably about 9 years ago, someone will have said 'hey, has anyone heard from missing? No? Me either. '

Given they're all in touch, they probably all know you don't contact any of them.

:( the photo with me in it mentioned above was posted by someone who puts all the names of everyone he can remember in whether he is freinds on facebook or not :( so they have totally forgotten me :( - I think I know my error I should have married someone within the group... :(

are you sure these people haven't just kept on being friends with each other for the last 20 years? so they kept in touch after uni, met up, emailed etc. so when it was a big birthday or other event they naturally invited the people they were still friends with, rather than went off seeking out everyone they'd been at university with and not spoken to since? I have a group of mates from uni, we now live all over the country but we've never been out of touch. there were others in the group who didn't keep in touch and it wouldn't occur to me to ask them along to a party now, because they are not really friends now. Doesn't mean I don't like them, but neither side has been in touch so there is no reason for me to think to ask them along to a party.

you sound very sad and unhappy with your life now - what do you think you could do to make it better? Would be more positive than looking back and wishing for something else?

you need to either stop looking or do something about it.

I once realised it was me who did all the running with my friendships - so i made a vow to myself not to contact one single person in my social circle and see how long it took for someone to notice and get in touch with me.

8 months later i'd not had a single call, no-one invited me round for coffee or out for a meal. Apart from bumping into a couple of them in the street for a passing 'hello' I had no contact.

I got really upset about it, and angry. And then I realised that I could sit and mope about how they all moved on without me, and had forgotten about me or I could swallow it and wedge myself right back in there. It's not that they don't like me, or find me irritating or overbearing - in fact i'm pretty sure they all really like me - they are just rubbish at keeping in touch unless regularly prompted.I'm not going to cut my nose off to spite my own face. I like socialising, i like the company of others.

If you really miss them, if they really were such good friends then I can guarantee that at least some of them will not care if you live in a mansion or are the local bag lady, they'll be pleased to hear from you. It won't be like old times, but there will be some common ground.

You cannot sit around moping that these people have left you behind, you either move on from the past or you stick your neck out and work at rekindling some friendships.

So send a message to the friend telling him that you really enjoyed seeing all the old faces but he forgot to put your name on the picture.

Or just ignore it and get on with your life.

yes but no-one googled name.. no-one (mind you I am googling their names and they don't know I suppose...) I think I need to do something that will get me in the papers so they will notice me.

Missing, why not tag yourself in that photo then? Send friend requests to people and build it back up slowly. Don't worry about income or your flat or anything, just post a little message eg "wow this takes me back, can't believe it's been 20 years!" or something. Don't launch in suggesting meeting up and being mates, just reintroduce yourself...

Much simpler to just send a few messages on FB saying Hi.

What? Get in the papers? Seriously? Either contact them directly or let it go.

Look, the whole world always appears to be having a fine old time on Facebook. This is, of course, a ridiculous state of affairs totally unheard of in RL. So for starters, stop lurking about on it feeling sorry for yourself and actually get in touch with some of these people. Don't forget, contact works both ways so people are often cautious about getting in touch with anyone who has shown no interest in being reunited. Not everyone wants to maintain former friendships so you can't blame people for drawing this conclusion if you've not given them any evidence to the contrary. You might have been close at university but they can't be expected to read your mind, can they?

Now if you are convinced (with valid reasons that go well beyond the "It's so unfair, I say nothing to them for YEARS and now they don't speak to me!!" options offered thus far) that there's some other reason that this group are ignoring you, ask yourself, why would I want to bother with these unfriendly people?

However, I suspect you'll find that if you are prepared to put in a smidgeon of work yourself, you will soon find yourself back in contact again.

but ahhbisto did you ever consider that it doesn't seem like that to the people you have left out? They might all be feeling terrible, be having a crisis, or thinking no-one cares, and you are thinking 'we are alright, so stuff them?' that's not what friendship is about. that comment has made me feel even more disillusioned :( :(

Was going to write what AhhBisto just wrote so she's saved me typing it.

They may not all be in touch with the other 39 people but I bet they're all still in touch with maybe one degree of separation, so A is friends with B, doesn't see C anymore, but B does etc.

Don't want to be harsh, but just because you're FB friends with someone, doesn't mean that you're still in touch.

Look, I see you're upset but you're letting this get out of proportion. It's an 'error' you didn't marry someone in the group?! That's not a healthy way to think. Yes, you were happy when you were at university with these people. But they don't exude some kind of magic aura that makes you a lovely happy person.

Who do you know from your life now? Anyone nice at work, or your DCs parents? It seems as if you're isolating yourself from people until your life is perfect - and that doesn't happen. No-one has a perfect life and I bet when you were at university it wasn't half as wonderful as you remember it to have been.

Missing- they're not "leaving you out". Why is the onus on them to get in touch? You cant stay friends with everybody you meet, or were friends with once, and people meet new people, relegate some friends to the back burner, or just drift apart. I really think you're reading too much into this.

re magic aura.. oh yes they do/did.