Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

Hi Sheba, I am 21 months on from the discovery of my DH's affairs and I still have periods of being down and hurt and also angry outbursts but...they are becomming less frequent and of a shorter duration.

it can take years and years to get back to the relationship you had before, just take it slowly

SO glad to see this thread!

I discovered DH had an affair with woman from work for 2 years that i didnt know about, and we nearly split up - he was going to leave, but didnt, and that was 2 years ago.

Its hard, and they still work together. I still feel jealous about that, and when i ask about 'how was work' etc know he would never mention her even if they had to work together that day.
I still sometimes have outbursts about it.
I think to a certain extent it has made our relationship better because i did take him for granted and had stopped 'trying'.
We are both trying to be more thoughtful and considerate and paying more attention to each other, but I do think perhaps i try harder(!)

Was gutted the other day when she came up in conversation and he was saying how it had hurt him that she had got engaged, and not told him, he heard from another work colleague -- so what-- i said - you are not together - and quizzed him, saying 'if you are upset, does that mean you still have feelings for her' etc etc.

I know its me he's with, and i am sure there isnt anything going on, but it is a sad feeling and i hope it goes away...

sowhats, he needs to be more sensitive to your feelings.
My DH's ex o.w works in the same company but in a different dept. He ignores her completly, can't stand to be reminded of his mistake and really hopes she will move away! ( she relocated from spain to England in the hope their relationship would continue.)

We're a year in and I still find it tough. I get good days and others when I still want to kill him for all the hurt that he's caused.

Our relationship is much better now - we talk ad we don't take each other for granted. We did before - three children with onloy 4.5 years between the eldest and youngest meant we didn't have time for each other and had lost any/all intimacy.

We do things differently now but it's the lack of trust that I find hardest. I still question him, he deals with it patiently but I now struggles with my questions.

It's better now than it was some months ago so I'm just hoping that time heals.

We're 16 months on from my discovery of DH's EA with a colleague.

Wales, I totally echo what you have said - I could have written it myself.

I hate the fact that the relationship will be forever changed, but at the moment I would rather be in it than not IYSWIM. I don't think that the trust will ever be restored fully.

Time should heal and most times I am OK, but it bites you on the bum sometimes when you kind of least expect it!

Thanks for starting this thread sheba.

Sheba,
I know exactly how you feel. A year since discovery of EA affair between husband and mutual colleague. She has since left company but when her name comes up in conversation with other colleagues I feel my heart racing and don't know how to react. Still very angry with husband and flare up from time to time. It makes me feel so very sad still that he has done this to our relationship and that I have to be the one to forgive and forget. He doesn't do the emotional chat much and that annoys the heck out of me too. I still don't think I know all that went on. When do you know you know all that went on? It invariably ends in a row when we talk about what happened. Still very angry but these doubts/moods/outbursts are a little less frequent now and only last for hours rather than days!

Yes another, my outbursts now last for hours as opposed to days too !
At this stage I feel I know all the details and I think I needed to in order to move on.
ow is sometimes invited to work socials that we're invited too and this causes anxiety for me . I do not want to be anywhere near her. However, I weigh it up, depending on the size of the venue and who else will be there, I decide whether to go or not. My H. respects my decision and stays home with me if I decide not to go.

Thanks fellow survivors. Having a bad day today. Started a bit last week, when OW had the nerve to just sit in H's office for no apparent reason. He just ignored her and also chose to tell me about it. What I wanted him to say was that he told her WTF are you doing in here?! Then this week, he went off the rails a bit during a boozy lunch (nothing at all to do with OW), and I am reminded of the selfish and insensitive person he can be.

We have been getting on really well. Well, better than we were at the beginning of the year. After much heartbreaking confessions and relevations on both parts for the past 6 weeks or so, this week, he has returned to Mr Insensitive. As though I am too much effort. He is trying his best, but sometimes, his best isn't enough. I know I sound a bit mad here, but it's as though I want to scream from the rooftops and tell everyone what a bastard he has been. I sometimes feel as though my heart has been ripped to shreds and nothing will ever make it better.

I really need to go for a walk - maybe this sunshine will put me in a better mood. He has just phoned and tried to be a bit more sensitive. I just need to calm down....

But I am glad I'm not the only one out there!

Agree with what you said anothercoffee

My husbands was an EA too - and we live in a smallish town, and it gets me that i dont know what she looks like - and when we go shopping I always wonder if she is in the supermarket

He doesnt do emotional chat much either and I wish he would

If there is a staff night out where they bring partners I want to go, but he only wants to if he knows she wont be there - in case she feels bad i suppose - but what about me?

also apparently she with the new fella will be all over him in front of my dd after work if he picks her up, but i am not 'allowed' to even see her!

.. and he doesnt regret it, but did made the choice to be with me (and i want to be with him very much)

i mean dh not dd!

But sowhat, I really feel for you feeling so awful today.
He does need to regret the EA in order to move on.

Sorry sowhat, it's sheba who is feeling so awful today,

sheba, my H' ex ow is always hovering around his work space (open plan), chatting to people etc. he (as usual) ignores her. I think she wants to remind him of her existance. It doesn't worry me cos i know it annoys him rather than reigniting any feelings. He has done a lot of work to convince me that he is only interested in me.

I think men generally seem not to want to talk about things that are difficult for them and as my mother has always said "attack is the first line of defence". My dh gets arsy as well but will back down when I remind him that I have every right to feel as I do that and that he has been a shit. I am still angry with him. I still don't trust him and I certainly haven't forgiven nor forgotten. tbh I'm not sure that I will achieve that any time soon - if ever.

The best I can do right now is to accept that what happened happened and try to move forward as best I can. And my dh has to accept that and not expect anything more than that.

He was wrong, we now live with consequences of his shitty behaviour. He has to man up and accept that life won't be a bed of roses for sometime yet.

It's time for me to be selfish now and to my me and my feelings first. He screwed up - he has to live with it.

To put my feelings first is what I meant to say!

Well done sheba, great idea. I will be lurking and rooting for you all!

This is a brilliant thread and thanks for starting it . I tend to post on the affair threads asking for advice and forget that most of the time, we need supporting ourselves.

Two years down the line for me, actually left me to be with OW on 2nd April 2009 but left her after 6 weeks. It was the worse time of my life ever, trying to come to terms with everything and support 4DSs. If I am honest it took my DH approx 9/12 months to truly "get it" and fully change and last night (following all the awful threads on MN atm) we had our first open and honest discussion about what happened without either one of us getting upset/clamming up/losing it. He has taken himself off to counselling again a couple of weeks ago realising he had some very deep issues going back to his childhood. He said he never likes talking about it because he hates being reminded of the sort of man he had become and had blanked a lot of it. I did remind him of some very painful times for me and some of the awful things he said to me and how he treated me and the DC. It was extremely painful for him and he stills doesn't know how he was persuaded to leave me and the DC. He told me he told her no for about 4 hours that he didn't want to move in with her and then said yes . I told him to discuss with his counsellor, she might have some answers !

Good luck everyone, it does get so much better - just taken delivery of my new pony after an 18 year break. An act of selfishness on my part .

A pony!

Ok, so I'm not a very good lurker but what is it with this board over the last couple of days? I don't know whether to feel slightly less pathetic and discarded because there are so many of us, or just desperately desperately sad that unfaithfulness, lies and betrayal are everywhere, feels like we're sinking in it.

I hope you all make it, I really do. countingto10 I love reading your posts, i can't believe what you and your H have managed to come through.

it really narks me too that it is so rife - dh said for years that at his work most people were divorced or cheating etc
The more people do it it becomes more 'acceptable' in others eyes.

In the early stages when i watched a soap or whatever and there was someone cheating on their partner on it I used to slag them off and say how i didnt like that character any more - especially in front of dh.

My DH couldn't watch Corrie because of the Kevin and Molly story line (I struggled with it too). He found it particularly hard seeing how manipulative an OW can be and how he fell for it. He holds his hands, taking full responsibility as he could have said no, but it was interesting to watch the interactions between Kevin and Molly with my DH saying "thats what OW said to me, OMG !". Yes dear and you fell for it, twat !

What I will say to all of you though is there were times during the last two years that both and DH felt we were never going to get past it, it has been really hard. You have to work on yourself and be selfish (hence the pony ). You have to raise your own self-esteem.

I still think about it every day because unfortunately my DH chose to "sh*t on his own doorstep" and I have to walk past the place where she used to work and drive by the pub they used to meet in on the way to DS2 school. So, so many things to forgive .......

But the pony is helping

Love the pony idea, could catch on!
While knowing that my H was very weak, etc. to be taken in by the silly,little ow, I still don't get her motives. Why would anyone want to be involved in destroying a family, having to (part time) co parent 3 teenagers, put up wih an angry ex-wife, the scorn of many people, etc. In short, what makes them do it?

My dh's OW was a total bitch. Unhappily married with three children of her own and played the part of the simpering little girlie who needed a big strong man - my dh - to the hilt. Urgh ... I loath women like that. Why do men fall for it? Ego? Wanting to be needed? Flattery? Pathetic really. And so immature.

Of course when I found out who and where she was and contacted her it became very clear that she wasn't who my dh thought she was at all and was actually a cold, manipulative, scheming cow who was very used to getting what she wanted when she wanted it. Oh, and very rich with it. Which we're not.

She sent me some very interesting texts, quite happily telling me that she had been out for dinner etc with him that night. We were separated by then. It took a while for my dim husband to actually see through her and see her for the person she really was. She even sent me a text of herself in a bikini - no doubt so I would feel intimidated by her sleek and gorgeous body. Sadly for her I'm made of stronger stuff than that and all that proved to me was what a silly and childish woman she really was.

She'd been hurt and let down by her own husband and seemed to have no compunction about hurting anyone else. Getting her own back in her twisted mind I suppose.

He deeply regrets his actions now and really only realised what he had when he no longer had it. When I kicked him out and he couldn't see me or his children as and when he wanted to. When he was homeless and had to split his time between hotels and his sister's house. Suddenly he became a much nicer person and so much kinder to me than he'd been for such a long time.

Still hard though and I still get days when I really don't know if we're going to get through it. Some days I'm positive and there are other days when I just want him to not be here - but I love him, he loves me and his children would miss him dreadfully. And he them. So we do our best to move on. Bloody hard though and I still don't understand why men do it.

I admire people who could stay after an affair and make it work I know I couldn't