Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

it's not a criticism, it's an observation, made with empathy and not about all of you.

no need for the defensiveness.

i'll bugger off anyway though.

We can't stop anyone from posting, obviously, but I do query the reason why you (blinks) wanted to point out that you think us 'survivors' are lacking in self confidence?
I can definitely say for me, that no, I certainly DO NOT lack self confidence. I believe I am in a position whereby I am grieving for a relationship that has been changed forever. I am hurt because of my H's deceit and downright terrible behaviour, and that putting my trust back into him is the hardest thing I feel I've had to do. And yes, these are issues caused by the affair.

I am self confident in my work, in my role as a mother, daughter, friend, and general human being.

I'm sure that many of the other surviving posters, and even those who have chosen another path, will agree with me.

BTW, a big wink to Suff - hope you've had a good weekend.

Actually I think it takes a very strong and confident woman to even consider trying to salvage her relationship once a husband has had an affair. An woman lacking in self confidence would have allowed her dh to walk away and not fought for her relationship.

I don't consider myself to lacking in self confidence at all. I have three children whom I've fought long and hard to have. I have one child with special needs and I've had to fight schools, social services, and the children's mental health team to get his needs met.

I've had to be involved with courts, judges and guardians. I've had to be a very powerful advocate for my children - and I've had to be strong and assertive to my children's needs met.

Lacking in confidence? No.

My self esteem is shot, absolutely but that's a direct result of what my husband did. Lacking in trust. Ditto.

Lacking in self respect - no absolutely not. I'm a far better person than he is. And will remain so.

self esteem was what i meant i suppose, more than confidence. i was only meaning specifically in regard to these relationships with these men, not in life, how would i know how confident you are as people in working environment etc. i was wondering if the affairs directly affected confidence or if confidence was low pre-affair.

i'm actually the adult child of parents who each had affairs, hence my curiosity and interest in the subject, esp as my mum's confidence never recovered but perhaps this isn't the place for me as i've not been in your position.

When choosing a mate we all sub-consciously, tend to gravitate toward people with the same level of self-esteem. This is what happened with me and my DH, both had similar dysfunctional (for the want of a better word) childhoods and me, very co-dependent (first marriage to an alcoholic and father, very abusive when drunk which was most weekends when I was a kid ).

I am/was a very self confident woman, similar to Walesblackbird, 2 DC with ASD, battling to get the best education for them etc, being a single mum for 6 years with a quite severe ASD child etc. But my self esteem was shot to pieces by what my DH did. The recovery from the affair has been a very hard and personal journey for both of us but hopefully we will prevent our DC repeating the same mistakes we have .

I'm still just as confident as I ever was blinks.

Self esteem took a bit of a knock if I'm honest, but I got back up brushed myself down and went out and got a job after being a SAHM for years so that kind of helped with that.

If you've not been through it then you will not have experienced that "gut wrenching penny dropping oh my god I am going to throw up" moment, and that for me is really hard as I sometimes relieve it, then I get angry - that HOW BLOODY DARE YOU moment, then emotional cos I am scared that my outbursts will drive a bigger wedge than the actual EA.

It's a vicious circle, but for me NOTHING whatsoever to do with confidence/self confidence pre/post discovery.

Actually my confidence/self esteem (aren't they the same thing?) has taken a huge battering in one sense (being cheated on with a younger, slimmer model). But in another sense it has made me realise what matters and what doesn't so I am perhaps more forthright with people than I used to be and care less what people who don't really matter think of me.

To address the OP, I found out in February 2010 that my dh had had an affair in 2008. He has done everything possible to prove his commitment and love since discovery, yet I am still struggling. I think initially the belief that things will get easier is what keeps you going. The one year anniversary of discovery (or 'being put in the picture' by the ow's dh) passed uneventfully. But since then, I think the feeling that it should be getting easier by now has really dragged me down - because it absolutely isn't. I love him hugely and he has done nothing since discovery other than demonstrate in every possible way a huge commitment to and love for me. But still, what he did, feels like an insurmountable obstacle between us at times.

I was a bit taken aback with your original post Blinks, but I hope you have understood some of us a bit better.

Good to hear from you cat walker, I haven't seen you post on threads for a while, but you were one of the first posts I read when I sought comfort and advice in the early days of discovery of my H's affair. I'm sad to hear that you seem unhappy with the consequence of your H's affair. I'm not sure how to advise, having trouble controlling my own mood, hence this thread. But you're welcome to vent on this, as reading other stories have given me some sense that I'm not alone.

Had a good day myself. Have not sulked around and made a real attempt to resume a hobby that I took up a couple of years ago, and really enjoyed myself. Next thing I'm aiming to do is get my working side in order as I've felt I haven't given it my all since last summer. Luckily it hasnt affected my work as such, I just need to put a bit more passion into it.

The earlier poem really touched me - I can see me memorising it quite quickly! Another day gone. We really need to live each day as preciously as the last. I want to be fun Mum and wife again!

Cloudy you are so right - the throw up moment, the anger, the emotions. Everything still quite raw after discovery of EA for me. I'm wanting to talk about it but like you I'm afraid of driving a bigger wedge. He just says we have to move forward but it's hard to do that. He's afraid that this will always be between us and I'll never forget it. Today has been a bad day.

It's so useful to hear other peoples experiences. Well done Sheba for a thread we can all vent on.

Everyone- Feel free to share your experience. If like me you haven't shared it in detail with anyone in RL this has been a real saviour forum. We have all had similar stories and are here to tell the tale, but as you can see things do take time.
I'm 4 months on from discovery although it feels like years!! I would never have believed we would still be together but are doing ok. Taking one day at a time. The first part is so tough. You will find almost every person who has had the affair will want to move past this time asap. It is so important that they realise that you are not able to do this. I'm sure you have seen the advice to get the book 'Just good friends' by Shirley Glass.
(I'm sorry if you've already had this info and I've missed your thread.)

I think you have to do what you feel is right when you feel you are ready. I didn't want to know much at the start or read parts of the book, but within 2/3 months needed to know the steps of the affair and when they happened. This was the perfect time for him to tell me also cause he needed to hear himself verbalise what he had done.
He then appreciated more of what I was going through. Him going to counselling alone for 2 or three sessions was also very affective. He had a man which overcame the stigma. The counsellor also challenged my DH so he had to address some big issues.
We are now both going together weekly which has been really useful and he has understood the process for me more as the counsellor has reinforced what is 'normal' for me to feel. I have since suffs disaster, insisted on phone bills which has been something I wouldn't have done before. Listen to WWIFN but I would have been worried about doing this at the start.

He has finally collected these, through the crap processes at work, and is bringing them home tonight. Asked for 6 months so won't make for easy reading. Think of me!!

Onward and upward. Have had a few wobbly days boulstered by really good weekends. Never teo days the same.

Take care x

Sheba, good for you re the hobby - it's good to take time out for yourself. I've had a terrible time controlling my moods, but am starting to realise that in order to stay strong I've got to stop giving in to the crooked thinking (see prev post re being paranoid about his motives for ringing me etc). Worth a try.

Hi everyone - if you need to talk then your DP/H needs to let you and needs to be honest with you. We probably didn't talk enough and that dragged things out - so much so that over a year later I was still asking questions. The mistake I made a lot was trying to talk when I'd got myself in a tizz about it, best to try and do it when you are reasonably calm.

Like yours, my DH just wanted it to go away. He doesn't really get that what he has done has changed us forever, because in my eyes it will never quite be the same. That said some things are better. We are closer, we communicate better, we do more stuff together and we laugh more. But I don't think I will ever feel quite the same again.

Holdingit, wish my DH would go for individual counselling. He has agreed to couple but we've not been yet. I had some individual counselling after Discovery but it was awful - or maybe I just had unrealistic expectations about what counselling would achieve.

Had 3 really good days now, waiting for the inevitable fall!!

Chins up! X

Just re-read my own bit. Made it sound like couldn't listen to WWIFN at the start but I meant wouldn't have been able to have confidence to ask for phone bills!!

WWIFN gave exactly that advice and lots more. The same advice I too would now give to anyone going through this. I just feel that whilst all the advice received has been a saviour one needs to take these steps in their own time. The person experiencing the process in the only one that knows when the time is right. Sometimes things are too uncertain and like Everyone they feel they don't want to do this right now.

Big to everyone on the thread!

Definitely need that tonight thanks Holding

Oh holding, will definitely be thinking of you tonight xx

(Am proving to be a terrible lurker! Just can't tear myself away! :) and :( )

This is the only place I have ever encountered people where the relationship has survived an affair.A couple of my friends did and couldn't get past it

I know 2 people in real life. One couple got over H having an 18 month affair and are now 3+ years on, doing really well. Another friend found out last year her H was seeing prostitutes. He had confessed and was determined to change, so they are working through it.

It can be done x

I have a friend whose DP had a 2 year affair. She found out about it last summer and then found out in Dec that it was still continuing and found out last week it was still going on. Each time her 'D'P swore that it was over and swears this time it really is. Poor woman is still clutching on to the relationship, trying to believe him, for the sake of their DD.

I think its a lost cause now personally

How much can one woman be prepared to forgive?!

Hi ladies

You might remember me from Suffs original thread when she had a different name!

Well, my H and I are officially separated now, after I discovered that he was still in touch with OW, he again claimed to have stopped contact, and then again I discovered he was lying. So we told the kids about the separation, which for us was the final step in admitting it to ourselves.

BUT, we are spectacularly failing to emotionally separate. Still talking every day, both really upset about the prospect of not being part of each others lives any more, talking about whether there is any possibility of thinking about trying to get back together, we are going to Relate. My H claims to have stopped contact and I actually do believe him (I sound like your poor friend FaffTastic), but am clear that there is also every chance that he is lying. H is basically saying that part of him does want me, and our family unit to stay together, but a large part of him is still very drawn to 'straying'. He says that the reason he wants to go to Relate is so that he can understand, and hopefully stop his destructive lying behaviours. But he doesn't know if he can get over all the problems in our relationship.

Reading how much some of you ladies are struggling, especially posts like yours catwalker, really makes me question whether it wouldn't be better to take the pain up front, and finish the relationship for once and for all. The idea of trying to carry on because the pain of separation is too great, but then end up living in a sort of long drawn out torture which may actually NEVER get better. God, I just don't know if I can stand it.

Can I ask you ladies a question? Why is it that you chose to stay and fight, or maybe more specifically, why is it that you are STILL staying, despite it being so difficult? Hope that doesn't sound insulting or anything, it's really not meant to! I am just in such a quandary a the moment about whether I should even consider trying to go down the brave path that you ladies are, or whether I should just accept that it is over, and detach myself emotionally (if that's possible).

thanks x

The answer to your question is simple (for me) amicable, my H is very, very sorry and has not put a foot wrong since discovery. He has done all he can to prove he is worthy and here to stay.
Corny as it might sound but true, ''Actions speak louder than words''

Oh, and of course, he has absolutely NO contact with the ow!

Thanks aislingorla. That saying is not corny at all, it has been one of the things I've said most to my H recently. Sadly for all the wrong reasons. He SAYS he is not in contact with OW, but I keep finding proof that he has been.

My H hasn't done anything really to prove he is worthy, but that said our situation is probably more complex as I also had an affair (a long time ago) which my H is finding impossible to forgive.

Thanks for you reply, it is replies like this that make me realise exactly what my H ISNT doing .

amicable - so so sorry. You must be heartbroken. HUG.

Like Aisling my DH has put a lot of effort into trying to prove to me that he is worth staying with. We had grown apart before the EA and we are much much closer now, but it's been painful and drawn out and he has not liked having to talk about it.

I had a close friend in RL whose DH had an affair over 8 months, it was seedy and nasty. I still don't know how she stayed with him, but at the time she said that if she didn't try she would never have known whether they could have made it. So she gave it a go and they are still together 5 yrs later. I kind of took that attitude, give it a go and hey if it doesn't work I leave.

And also at the time I was so emotional and hurt and angry and confused I wasn't capable of making a decision.

Rabitted. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.

I didn't want to sound hard amicable but in order to support each other properly we have to be honest.
I have had one hell of a mountain to climb to get over my H's behaviour as he has had two affairs! I found out about them both at the same time as he believed after the first one ended that he was reformed and 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you'. So wrong, with hindsight , not knowing disempowered me completly.
As soon as I discovered the affairs I became pro active, strong and determined to save the relationship. It's been very up and down, lots of 'ranting and raging' episodes, but he has remained constant, contrite and loving.
Best of luck. x

Haven't posted in ages.Last time had name changed as scared I'd said too much in original post last year and much to my confusion and hurt think I got accused of being a troll.Most certainly not- genuinely recovering from DH's EA but put me off MN for a while.But have been looking in again and just want to say all your posts help.Cloudybay I can so identify with the feeling that my still sporadic outbursts -usually triggered by something trivial such as watching him delete perfectly innocent texts from his phone-set things back and feel to drive a wedge.It just so hard still some days to see the bigger picture and realize we've actually come a long way since those first horrible weeks post-discovery.
Also that confusing feeling that on the one hand feel closer and communicating better than ever but at the same time feeling this deep down sadness that life will never feel quite the same again.Although most days are good now sometimes it just overwhelms me and reduces me to tears.All in all glad we've battled on and feel very hopeful rather than desperate -if that is of any help to anyone out there in the early days.