Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

But they were in luuuuurrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvvvvve and so probably didn't notice what was going on around them. Then when the lust fades - pretty quickly when surrounded by mess and dog shit I would imagine -the blinkers fall away and they suddenly see what chaos they're living in.

It's all part of the fantasy - but it isn't real life is it?

Actually I am a towel snob, they have to be folded in a certain way and once a certain lack of fluffiness is reached then they are relegated to swimming towels and then to be cut up as rags which is probably why DH noticed the state of her towels

Self esteem on both the part of the ow and unfaithful huaband seems to play a very big role. The over the top compliment paying, for example, only an insecure person would believe from someone whom you've just met. And all that sneaking around may be exciting but is really degrading.

husband, that is!

Good to see this thread, away from the advice to pack his bags and kick him out. We are still recovering from full blown affair which lasted on and off for nearly 2 years. First affair, lasted a few months, was 7 years ago. Frightened of when it could happen again. On positive side DH goes to see our wonderful counsellor regularly, on his own or with me when I want a top up of confidence. Without her unwavering support for us being right for each other and, despite the shit, still having deep down love for each other we would not be here now. I don't know where we will be in the future but for now it feels right to be together, fragile as we are.

I so agree Ais.the pathetic stroking of egos on both parts, it's nauseating. When us wives have to tend to the basic day to day. How the hell do you stand a chance until the bubble actually bursts?
Muddling through, as mentioned before, is the simplest and most sensitive way. Just to make the basic day to day be part of our normal existence when before it is just classed as 'boring'.

Really feel for you counting, having to remember that dark period. Proves you have moved on though, I definitely smiled when reading about the dog poo and towels.

So what do you do when you can't eat or sleep or stop thinking about what's happened (EA)? Is it best to try and find out everything or try to fill in the blanks yourself (I'm not sure what's worse). I want to be angry but feel that that will just make things worse. So I'm trying to be grown up (although very tearful). He said he's emailed her to say he wants no further contact for the sake of our marriage and said he'd had a short reply. Then this week she sent him a text to ask him to call her. He said he didn't reply and deleted it. I don't know.

Hello everyone. Can I join in?

I only discovered my H's affair on Monday Other Thread so it's all very raw and new.

I am totally shocked and absolutely devastated. Never saw it coming at all. I haven't read all the posts so will go back and read them today. I think I will need lots of hand holding.

EVERYONE

You need to know everything. For your own peace of mind, and for your relationship if it is to continue. He needs to be completely honest with you, and if he is sending an email to the OW to tell her it is over, then he should be copying you in on this.

I agree you need to know everything, but gradually. Too much at once can be hard and difficult to assimilate.

Agree with pfft, everyone, you should see those emails and texts, all communication between them now.

OOOh suff...
Do tell...

Barely spoke to H last night, he came to see the kids and I left, I came back and he left, we passed each other on the doorstep kind of thing. But I had written him a letter which he took as he left. It just said something along the lines of God loves you, I love you, your family and friends love you, it doesn't have to be over, you can turn and stop doing this awful thing which is destroying everyone and most of all you. It probably sounds really weird, but I had gotten lots of people to sign it - me, the children, my brother and parents, two close friends from church and our vicar.

15 or so minutes later (about 8:45), H was back knocking on the door. I was shocked to see him but let him in, and he just went down on his knees sobbing his heart out. For ages. And we talked until 3am. He told me everything, everything since November, everything he had been doing the last three weeks. He said staying with OW had been "fine" (he had been there most nights) but he didn't want fine, he wanted his home and his family. He said he knew he didn't have anything to do there, he didn't belong. He said he missed me loads - he and OW had gone away for the weekend, and he spent a lot of the time thinking 'suff would really like this shop, this restaurant, this gift', and he'd wanted to buy our children presents, and seeing families playing on the beach and wishing it was all of us etc.

He had missed talking to me and had been snooping around on MN trying to work out what I was thinking. He said he had enjoyed being at work because he could then text and email me, even if just to talk about the kids. It was a bizarre role reversal - he couldn't talk to me in the evenings because he was with OW! He said every time he had come to the house to see the DCs he had thought I looked beautiful.

He said he had called OW before he came back, telling her that being away from his family was too hard and he just couldn't do it anymore. He said she was upset, but had kind of seen it coming over the last few days. He said he had been really withdrawn, hadn't wanted to go over there after seeing us in the evenings, but little things like forgetting and leaving his keys at her place, lots of his stuff being there, still convincing himself that there was no hope for us, kept pulling him back. He said reading that letter tipped him over the edge. He stayed at my parents last night (they just live a couple of roads away). He put his wedding ring back on today.

I know he has lied and lied and lied and lied. But all this is bloody convincing... and and possibly, possibly... :)

So... if this is genuine, what would you do now? What would H need to do? He's going to keep staying with my parents for the moment (they have a big house and always have loads of lodgers, so not too much to put on them). He's got keys and lots of stuff still at OWs (although I think he'll be lucky if it's still in one piece).

I wasn't expecting this AT ALL. Am in a state of shock, yet again!

Suff - sounds like he's finally realised what he's done and what he's missing out on. I do think that's a conclusion they have to reach themselves - and no amount of screaming from us is going to make them reach that point.

My dh didn't live with OW and they only slept together once - after I'd thrown him out. He said he felt awful afterwards and that it didn't feel right. And he couldn't do it again despite her wanting to.

But he had to find out for himself that he was the loser - life was hard as a single parent and the children found it tough too but our life went on in the same way as before. With tears obviously. But things stayed the same. We still had our home, our friends and family close.

He had none of that - he had the OW but it turned out that that wasn't really what he wanted.

But he had to work it out for himself.

Listen to him, talk to him .... but make him accept responsibility for his actions. He's caused all this pain. Don't let him off the hook.

Can he stay longer at your/his parents ? My DH did this as we had to be sure that the marriage could work and that he wouldn't leave again. We told DC that daddy was poorly, needed to sort himself out, would be back regularly to see them and spend time with mummy and then.

DH actually stayed over 2/3 times a week during the seperation, we had on going Relate appointments and finally a family holiday to Centre Parcs and he moved back in after that.

My DH was in a right state at the stage your DH is at, feeling that everything that matter to him was lost etc. Counsellor told me to go easy on him as apparently coping with the realisation of what they have done sends some people suicidal.

It's a horrible situation and nobody really knows what to do for the best but I don't think he should move back in with you yet, there is a lot of work to be done.

I do think that's a conclusion they have to reach themselves - and no amount of screaming from us is going to make them reach that point.

I think that's right. He just wasn't there when I found out in November, and everything I gave to make our marriage work just wasn't going to until he wanted it too.

He said loads of stuff about the kids too, about how much he enjoyed seeing them (he'd been a better dad over the last 3 1/2 weeks than the last 5 years!), how he knew how much his leaving would damage them, how he wanted them as teenagers to be able to talk about "mum and dad" and not "my mum" and "my dad".

DH met OW in a neutral place (pub carpark) to give him his stuff back.

countingto10 that's definitely going to be part of it, him not moving back in until we are much further along the road. All along his words and actions have been polar opposites and I need to see, for him to prove to me, that they are finally matching up.

ooo suff... sorry to barge in on this thread but it's your own fault for directing us this way... I hope he means it. And this time I hope he puts the effort in that he was so clearly failing to do last time.

And don't you dare let him back just yet! He's put you through months of hell, blood, sweat and tears - make him WORK for it. If he can't be arsed to work for it, then he doesn't really want it.

But... if it's genuine then I hope it works out for you this time. Set your ground rules and STICK to them.
((hugs))

sufficient your lost post is spot on! Sounds like you know (from hard experience what you should do now). x

Thanks thumbwitch! It just didn't feel right to post all that on the "my marriage is definitely over" thread...

Also wanted to say, I know I've barged back in here with my latest developments, but whereisthelove welcome, have been following your thread, hope you're ok xx

I've just read all these posts and it is so sad that so many others going through this. Some men are really cp. Reading all of this has made me realise that I have a very long painful journey ahead of me. I am glad that suff your road has turned a positive corner and am encouraged reading countingto10's posts. I just hope that I will be able to work through this without going completely mad.

Have just posted on your thread whereisthelove. One thing that will help you not to go mad is to understand this is NOT, in any way, about you.

Listen to WWIFN, and when you can face it, read Not Just Friends. And stock up on emergency essence and paracetamol - that has managed to get me through so far without sleeping tabs or ADs.

And, work out what food you can manage to get down (for me it was just cuppa soups) and try and eat.

Xx

Suff, well what a turn-up! I hope he truly means what he says and will put his money where his mouth is, so to speak, and start atoning for his actions, properly and sincerely.

Hello whereisthelove, so sorry you have had to join us Your H sounds so much like mine and I know how miserable you must be feeling at discovering he isn't the man you thought he was. What is he doing now?

I am in a real mess over the work issue. He gets very cross when I mention OW or ask how things are going at work - he says it just keeps putting her back in the centre of things, when he has filed her (in his head) under "the past". I have told him again and again that I can't do that until I am sure that he has made it crystal clear to her that she belongs nowhere in his life, which he hasn't, not in actual words. He has to lead a training session for junior staff (of which she is one) soon and when he told me about it last night, in the context of something else, after a good day and evening, I completely froze. Not sure why, he works with her anyway, it's not like it'll be new. I suppose it's yet another reminder that she is still there, every day, trying to muscle quietly in on his life

I think he should move jobs, but that is likely to mean a move of house and area, given the nature of his work. I don't think we are strong enough for that, and inflicting that on the DC when we are far from certain it'll work out is not fair on them either. I have no solution.