Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

I think the bottom line for myself and H is, we want it to work, we are committed to it and we love each other.
As for the ow! What a joke. As I said earlier, she relocated from Spain to here because she was convinced they were destined for each other!

Delia, I used say that too, but untill you are actually in the situation you don't know how you'll re-act. I was calm and pro-active. I remember my H telling how how shocked ow was that I didn't throw him out.

I would have said the said thing Delia but when you have three young children who adore their daddy then it ceases to be just about the two of you. There are five people in this relationship and, as adults, we both owe it to our children to put their needs first. It's not about staying for the sake of the children - there has to be 'something' still there between you as a couple to want to make it work. We still love each other. We just lost each other for a while and now we're working on finding each other again.

It's complicated for us as our children are all adopted and have already suffered huge losses in their lives - we just couldn't do this to them again. And probably this is partly why I'm struggling to forgive him for being unable to put someone other than himself first. My children's birth parents couldn't do that - I expected more from my husband.

Agree totally with above posters- one of those things that until you are in that situation...

The decision to make it work (both really committed to it, not just a going through the motions of 'lets give it a try') has made our relationship better, and we are having a lot more fun, and actually enjoy each others company a lot more.

Delia I would have said that too - in fact I did! I used to say that a one night stand would be easier forgiven than an EA....little did I know that my theory would be put to the test...

DH's EA was with his PA/secretary, nearly half his age and she used to babysit for us. What a fucking cliche. Whan I found out he said it was nothing, he thought that would make me feel better, all it made me think was that me and the DDs were worse less than nothing because he was willing to risk losing us for 'nothing'.

Anyway we had a rollercoaster year in 2010 where we were actually closer than we'd been in ages, but I had some spectacular melt downs and broke loads of plates. I recently started a thread on here asking for advice on how to try and move forward, WWIFN was fab and robberbutton posted too. I was so sad to see what she has just found out and it's just made me completely paranoid again.

I am trying to move on and hope I will manage. I love him so much in spite of what he did cos we have been together forever and have so much shared history. I have a feeling we are gonna be OK (unless he dares look at another slag female ever again. At least if I try my best I can say I gave it my best shot!

I think that's it, what I really struggle with, is how he couldn't think of the DC. We have 4, DS1 from my first marriage and DH has been his only real dad and 3 other DSs born within 5 years of each other. As I said to my DH at the time, did you ever think that I might have wanted to run away too ? That I didn't struggle with everything (2 DSs have ASD) ? But I thought we both loved each other enough to conquer anything ....

And like you say Walesblackbird, the marriage is more than just a man and a woman, in our case it was the 4 DSs as well as a business, we were married in so many ways.

DH moved in with his parents for about 3 months to give us both some space and to sort our heads out. We both made a decision that we had to give the marriage every chance possible for the sake of everybody. The aftermath of his affair filtered down the whole family but funnily enough not many people judged him too harshly, primarily I think because they could see he was doing everything possible to make amends. Both sets of GPs were more willing to babysit and give us a break. I remember talking to my mum and saying I don't know what to do, it's not black and white when you have 4DC who absolutely adore their dad and were all traumatised by what he had done (and still suffer from insecurities now) and a business to run. She just said "I don't know what you should do either - it's not black or white".

I have had so many emotions over the last 2 years, ranging from violent rages where I had to punch a pillow otherwise I would have punched him or OW to total despair when I just wanted to run away from it all. My self-esteem was rock bottom, OW was a right minger in everyway and he left me for her ! At the time, he told me I was better than her in every way so why ? That's what it comes down to, it was all about him and his issues, self-esteem, what he thought he really deserved - he's just had another counselling session this pm to get to the bottom of everything and I hope that he will be able to talk about the affair to his counsellor because I know it troubles him so much, how could he have done it ?

I really wish people would be more open about affairs, when DH did what he did, I told so many people because I couldn't hide what I was feeling, I was a complete wreck. It was only then that a couple of other mums came up to me and said that's what my DH did to me.

God I've rambled on - don't get to talk about it much now, I think everybody thinks I've healed and it's all done and dusted, but I still feel sad at times about it.

Lots of to all of us still working on our marriages - we deserve it as it is not an easy path to walk.

Counting and Wales, I do think that when DCs are involved it can affect what you decide to do. If it had just been me and DH I would have chucked him out to punish him, and possibly done the same back to him (SO mature). But with DCs I just had to keep going - I had to save the recriminations, tears and plate throwing until they were in bed. Kind of stiff upper lip.

No-one knows about my DH's EA except me, him, slapper, her and my RL friend whose hubby had a full blown affair a couple of years ago.

In some ways it made it easier because in social, family or work situations I could almost pretend it never happened as we had to be 'normal'. However it probably hampered the healing process as too much time was spent in denial. That said the fact that my mum, in particular, doesn't know it a good thing now, cos she would be so angry with him.

DH once tried to make me promise I would never tell DDs what he had done - I think that once I found out and it was in the open, the reality of what he had done hit home to him. Until then it had been conducted almost exclusively via text and email, and in a bit of an unreal vacuum. I didn't make that promise - if he does it again, the whole world is gonna know.

I wish he would go for individual counselling, but all he has agreed to is couple. I have had some very good advice about what we need to concentrate on. I had to probe a lot to get him to tell me WHY, and also to get him to admit that the EA wasn't actually anything to do with me or the state of our relationship (which wasn't good, but no effing excuse to do what he did).

Sheba, my DH's EA started in the same year I lost my dad - talk about kicking someone when they are down. Did cross my mind that men must be so pathetic and needy that when their DWs aren't giving them all their attention they have to look elsewhere....But surely no-one can be that shallow???

Anyway, it's Thursday, so bottoms up to all of us strong lovely ladies xx

Cloudy - I think they are that shallow! Or at least mine was. He and his sibs were raised by a very unmaternal mother and all are selfish individuals. A lesson in how not to do it!

Ladies, thank you so much for sharing. I did make an effort to get out of the house rather than wallowing. Feel so much better.

I totally agree with what the majority of you have said regards Delia's comment on never being able to forgive. I am the first to say that before last year, I would say that the first thing I would do if my H was caught cheating was to chuck him out. In reality, even from the moment of discovery, it wasn't the first thing that crossed my mind. However, I've come to realise that my initial stance of 'Right, let's get over this' didn't work, as it just looked like I had brushed it under the carpet.

Leading up to Xmas, we both saw the end of 2010 as being 'closure'. In fact, it had the reverse effect for us, and January was the worst month out of the lot. I just couldn't get past his refusal to acknowledge what he did. In actual fact, it took the fact that I had practically given up on us, for him to suddenly 'man up'. I didn't ham anything up, I had just got to a point that I couldn't see him making any comittment to showing me he was trustworthy again.

Throughout this, only my family (all whom live away) and 2 RL friends know, apart from his work, of course. So going out socially, when he is the life and soul of the evening can still be a bit grinding. My own mother's reaction has been unbelievably bad - completely seems to side with him (!). But even that, I've come to the conclusion that she just couldn't bear to realise the full extent of his deceit, and at the end of the day, she didn't want our family to break up. I'm not accepting of her reaction, in fact I've been quite hurt. But I sort of understand it. So I don't talk about it with her.

I think at the end of the day, I do still love him and I have seem glimpses of the 'old' him returning. He is deeply ashamed of his actions, so I can only hope that he will prove himself to me again. Funnily enough, his father is a serial philanderer, and yet all his siblings (including him) had such strong views regards affairs, ie were all disapproving of them.

The point made about partners working in an enviroment where affairs are just common place is quite true. In the industry he works in, there are constant stories of those left who for who. No one bats an eyelid. So sad.
Yet so so bloody devastating for the supporting partners.

Rant over - it's been good to blurt out feelings! I see a glass of red wine staring at me!

Suff thanks for the wink. Same here for me, keeping abreast of your world. For you to even wish us the best in your circumstance leads me to believe you are one Big hearted girl! Thanks.

Someone should go and find holding and TSL and tell them about this thread :)

Hello ladies!!
Great idea Sheba! We are all in the same boat and reading things so far are all generally going through the same things and having the same thought processes.
I'm in the same place too. Generally things are massively better. DH is really affectionate and being fantastic with contacts over day. We've had great times with the kids and are on our 4th counselling session this week. So far so good.(discovered DHs affair in late Nov)He had three sessions with another counsellor first.
Suffs situation has had a profound effect on me and I have since requested phone records certainly of last 6 monthes to support the seemingly great progress. Has agreed but still waiting for them. We have talked about in detail in counselling that along with returning intimacy and communication comes feelings of vulnerability as we begin to put faith in our relationship and this is so the case with me.

Been a bit of a wobbley day today which came after a run and an ipod with a no charge!! So much for clearing head!! Just thoughts of 'what if things are in progress?'. They are in the same office though apparently had no contact. I have no reason or intuition this isn't the case. Just what if I'm being thick and not seeing something?!

I let him know how I felt by text and phone and reinforced importance of records and new work situation which he has also agreed to although work not so easy, he has got some options and we are discussing them.

Hold fast everyone!!We're doing alright!!

How do you know they're telling you the truth now after having told you so many lies. That's what I struggle with. I have no reason now to suspect that he's anything other than faithful. He still works away from home for part of the week but rings me when he's leaving work, when he gets to the hotel, when he leaves to go to dinner (with a friend whom we both know and who's local to us and who dh knows I could check up with). He rings when he finishes dinner and again when he gets back to the hotel. Is that overkill??

I've also insisted on telephone bills and there's been no contact between them. But still .... still, I wonder. And I don't see how you can't when you've been lied to.

It was around this time last year that it all kicked off and I feel as if I've taken a bit of a step back - I suppose the timing just brings it all back really.

Maybe once the next month or so is out of the way I'll feel more relaxed again.

Hi holding, Wales, glad you've joined! Yes, Suff's outcome certainly shook me too.

Wales, I, too, am having Wobblies, because it all kicked off this time last year. When H started to detach, when lies started, when he was an absolute pig as he was so moody, and angry all the time. How do I know that that person would never rear it's ugly head again?
It has been made harder with OW still working in the same place. It's her I don't trust as she has been relentless in her pursuit of him, & he finally succumbed to her charms after nearly 4 yrs. She tried every trick in the book. If H was out on business socials, she would be out too, asking fir a drink. Even tried to befriend me, in fact, we were invited to her sodding wedding! Despite marrying (the poor sod, who is still convinced nothing happened!) she still continued to be the so called helpful colleague even suggesting she would babysit for us! Urghhhh!
I'm not excusing H at all, it has been THE biggest, most hurtful thing he could do to me, to our children. He knew as I kept warning him of her intentions, so I was by no means keeping my feelings to myself. So how dare him!

She was also the one who forced the situation. I think in desperation, as H had told her he wanted to work on our marriage and wanted to finish things with her. Next day she tried to ring/text him which I found. He has admitted that he just wanted us to get back on track, and for me never to know.

But there was no way I wouldn't know. He was just a changed man, forever moody. But that was nearly 9 mths ago, so we are moving on. I have access to his phone (call logs are only deleted by me) and laptop. No contact whatsoever has been made.

I think I've got a whole year of anniversaries to get through though, so I am bracing myself.

As you said Holding, we are doing alright. Onwards and upwards even though there will be plenty of backward steps along the way!

I think they got extremely moody and stressed during that time because the OW were making so many demands on them, my DH admitted to me that he got his friend who knew about him and OW, to phone her and get her of his back for a while as he couldn't cope with it all - how weak was he then

The firsts anniversaries were quite bad for me, all the feelings at that time came flooding back and to cap it all, we went away for the weekend, stopped off at a local city on the way back and bumped into OW's 15 yr old son who was really pleased to see my DH - it was terrible for both of us because it brought home to DH how many innocent people were caught up in his and OW's crock of sh*t

My dh lost weight as well. I think because he was so stressed out by the whole situation - she was making demands of him and being a total bitch via text to me. He felt guilty - terribly guilty - by what he'd done (and still does). I'd never, ever seen him cry before but he used to come here to see the children on weekends and cry every time he left. I don't think the reality of the situation actually dawned on him, the seriousness of what he'd done, until he lost his home and his family. After taking so much for granted for so long suddenly we weren't there for him any more. And that really hit him hard.

The last contact (she used to call him intermittently playing the poor little me card) was quite some time ago now. She left a message on his mobile. We listened to it together and he rang her back there and then, in front of me, and made it crystal clear that she was not to contact him or me again, that he was with his family whom he loved and that he wanted nothing to do with her.

She actually denied making the call but had made it very late at night and had clearly had a drink. And was clearly pissed off with me for being there with him and with him for calling her and making his feelings clear.

I seem to recall she swore quite a lot .

I will be watching dh's waistline very closely in future!!

Am so glad this thread is here, but why do people do it in the first place - it causes so much hurt and devastation.

Had such a bad Friday. I just couldn't get it all out of my head and was really curt with DH all day when he was texting me. Fri night had too much wine and ended up having a MASSIVE argument about it. Started off angry, packing my bags and screaming at him what a bad bastard he was, ended up sobbing uncontrollably. All the hurt just came pouring out. All the while he's trying to hold me and calm me down and explain how it was "nothing" (hate it when he says that). It was bloody awful. This is not me, this is not my life I am intelligent and funny and used to be positive about everything. I trusted him so much I would have laid my life on the line for him and he just can't get how this eats at me even after all this time.

Had deep chats yesterday, sorted more stuff out. Like what he thought I would do if I found out.

I need to try and sort my head out cos I am torturing myself. Does anyone else have thoughts like these:

• He rings and says "hi, what you up to". I think he's ringing me to check I'm in the house so that he can go out for lunch with HER

• He rings when he's leaving the office, I think he's got her in the car and is just ringing to make sure I won't see him.

It's bloody riduculous. He has assured me that he never speaks to her unless he absolutely has to (work thing), he hates her because everytime he looks at her he is reminded of how much he hurt me and how hellish his life is because of it. And I believe him. I have access to his phone and laptop and I deal with all the finances so I would know if he was funding another phone or treating somene to drinks/lunches.

Wish I could rise above this. I am better than this.

cloudy, I am 21 months on from 'recovery' and I still have episodes like you described, very, very similar! They are becomming less and less frequent and lasting for shorter periods. I think it's a combination of 'time healing' AND getting a deeper understanding of what happened, how/why? etc.

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad Fri Cloudy, and I'm sure there are plenty of us who can relate to what you described. I certainly do.
After my bad Thurs, H was very nervous with me, and eventually last night, asked how I was, I started to have a rant and then a massive cry. Culminated in me admitting that I sometimes want him to show me his guilt constantly. He said he knew, and then broke down, saying how hard it was for him to see me so hurt but understood why I was. Both didn't sleep much last night, but today has been a good day. Had a lovely day with the kids, and have just had a mini conversation where we both agreed that last night was needed to have it out last night, without it ending in a massive argument.

I, too, have felt that I've been reduced to a crumbling wreck. I am such a confident person normally, and trying to act as though I still am, has only made me quite reclusive as I feel as though people can see right through me. H also rings me quite a lot at the moment, sometimes I feel genuinely happy that he does as we can chat about the most inane subjects, and then sometimes I am quite irritated as though he feels he has to ring to 'ask me how I am' but get the feeling that he really couldn't care less. He can't win, can he?!

At some stage, us 'survivors' have to take the great step and 'believe' that we didn't make a stupid mistake by taking them back, and that our H's do love us, despite the most stupid and hurtful thing they could ever have done to us. Certainly not easy is it?

I ended my convo with H tonight by saying 'another week gotten through, and even though there has been tears, we are still ok'. Maybe that's just a little step. Long term Survivors out there, is this the best way to move on? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.....

I think it's the only way sheba.
It is a comfort (albeit a sad one) to learn that others have these 'rants' too.
Mine usually have a trigger but sometimes (seem) to come out of nowhere.

Sheba, I really think that sometimes it is one step forwards and 10 back . Me and DH used to say "One day at a time" or, if it was a really bad day, "tomorrow is another day" . The only way to deal with the pain is to go through it unfortunately. It is not healthy to pretend it doesn't hurt and there is nothing anyone can do to take it away.

I got my DH to read this peom (taken from the Beyondaffairs website) as it seemed to sum up most of my feelings at the time

"To give up.
God!
What a bell of freedom that rings within me"
No more wanting to understand what makes you tick
No more wanting to be able to communicate freely
No more waiting for reassurance, for explanation,
...or the words that never come
No more wondering what you are doing
Or who you are with
And then
No more depression
And FINALLY
No more hurting
And all it would take
...is to give you up
But that
...would take too much

• This poem is taken from 'The Monogamy Myth' by Peggy Vaughan, Page 177.

I honestly believe we are so much stronger and happier than we have ever been. DH still has issues from his childhood but it now in a place whereby he feels ready for more counselling and has been having weekly sessions for the past 3 weeks and they are continuing. He has not felt strong enough to deal with his issues until now 2 years down the line - we had about 5 months worth of joint therapy after the affair as we were both trying everything to keep the marriage and family together.

Oh, that really sums how exactly how I feel. I do sometimes wonder if it's worth staying or whether I'm doing the right thing. I do love dh very much but I wonder sometimes whether I actually know him - or like him, even.

On the one hand I know exactly how he ticks but then do I? He had an affair and deep down I knew something wasn't quite right and I recognised that he wasn't being particularly convincing when he lied. But the man I thought I knew wouldn't lie? Or would he?

I look at him sometimes and think what a horrible person you are. As well being unable to trust him I have little respect for him because of the way he's behaved.

And I'm just so sick of the wondering, the waiting. In a way it was easier whenn we separated because I didn't care what he was doing or with whom. It was a relief in a way. I could hate him without feeling bad about it!

I'm going to copy the poem and keep it safe and prob send it to dh.

Thank you.

The 'respect' is an issue, isn't it? He made a fool of himself really, with the silly woman/child. And he is reminded of it constantly in work! He can't believe he was ever interested in her. But she flattered him ( love bombing) and he was weak, so , yes, the 'respect issue'...sigh.

am lucky enough not to be in this situation myself but was interested in your posts... i do notice a lot of you lack self confidence... i'm wondering if the affairs have caused that or if it was there in the first place, hence your choices in partners?

i wish you all the best in trying to rebuild.

Self confidence?

I think you are all amazing, amazing women and I wish my H had given me the opportunity still to number myself among you :(

I am confident, thanks blinks (!)

Thank you sufficient.