Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

You poor thing.

First off get to the Dr's tell them what is happening and accept anymore help they can offer you. Change of ADs, different ones, some councelling to help. Get signed off work for a little if you need it.

Get to an STI clinic and get yourself checked.

Look after yourself as much as you can. Try small meals or a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Why do you feel you cannot tell your family? Do you think they will judge or are there family issues that means you just don't want to go there?

Get some time with a solicitor so you know just where you stand. Look and see what benefits you may be entitled to. Things may not be totally bleak financially compared to what you think.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like a case of if but when. He has told you he is going.

Stop sharing a bed with him and having 'sex' with him. It is going to mess with your head and keep you thinking that you still have a chance a lot longer.

Perhaps removing him from your bed & bedroom will make him leave sooner perhaps it will be a wake up call as to what he is throwing away.

Take care of yourself

Oh, that sounds an awful place to be. It must be hard to process all that's been thrown at you, there is a lot to unpick and work out how you feel. As for advice, I guess what you will go through is similar to grieving, there will be stages and none of them are great but need to be got through to reach the bit where breathing doesn't hurt so much. Don't be hard on yourself or look to blame yourself. Talking through this on here or to Samaritans will help you sound out what you're feeling. I'm not surprised you're feeling fragile, you did a good thing in taking steps to talk about what you're going through. I'm sorry if this isn't well thought out, I wanted to post but am trying to make tea at the same time and didn't want to sound glib x

Thanks for your reply. I know I should ask him to move out of the bedroom but I just so want to feel close to him. I know I am being pathetic and just grabbing for any glimpses of affection which makes me less & less attractive to him. I just can't face being strong.
I have been to doctors & am going again this week.
I have had a couple of days off work but find being at home on my own really hard - I just want to phone him & talk to him.
My family have other issues - they know there are problems but don't want to get involved. I phoned my mum today but she just changes the subject if I try & talk. I have seen a solicitor too but don't think I can cope with all the practicalities of separating the joint finances - we have lots of debts.
I am being a useless mum - kids had beans on toast for tea again. I love my kids but at the moment can't do more than minimum for them.

OMG, you poor thing.

I am not going to tell you what I think you should do, I think you are not in a position to hear it. Just one thing though.

Please, stop sleeping with him, please. It will be doing you all sorts of harm.

Seeking comfort in the arms of the person who is hurting you is damaging for you.

Seek your comfort elsewhere.

It's Ok to be a minimum mum for a while. They will live. You just carry on getting through the day the best way you can.

I will lurk on your hreead for a while, if that's ok and come back with practical advice if appropriate.

I am so very, very sorry xxx

Hello Holdmy

Firstly - YOU ARE NOT A USELESS MUM, if you were, you wouldn't be worrying about them and the DCs will be fine on beans on toast. I promise.

You need some RL support. Someone that can help you go through all of the practical stuff, like solicitors, finances, access etc.

Do a list. Write down what YOU want to happen.

He needs to go NOW, not in a few days when she clicks her fingers and he goes running to her.

You have to let him go. I know that you love him but PLEASE, you can't let him stay with you.

The DCs will be just fine, you will manage. You need some help.....

Try and contact CBA and even Women's Aid for some practical advice on him being there.

Sweetheart this is an awful situation for you to be in, but you must take control and start to plan your life away from this man.

He does not love you, nor respect you, or value you at all.

Is there someone you can talk to and ask for help?

X posted with Peter - I'm not stalking you.

I dont have any close RL friends - I have talked to acquaintances but they are all busy with their lives.
I know I should ask him to leave but I just can't do it. I think while he is here there is a chance we can work through this and be a family again. I just don't understand how he can give up marriage, family for someone he has not known that long. How can he be so sure he loves her?
Apart from all this he is a good man and a great dad with good values.
I wish he would see what he is throwing away & how much me & kids love him.
How can I get his love & respect back? There must be something I can do to get things back to 'normal'.
How can she keep persuing him - she texts him all the time. She knows he has young kids. Why doesn't she feel guilty?

I am so sorry to read of what is happening to you.

I hope a poster called WhenwillIfeelNormal sees your posting and will reply to it as her counsel is very helpful.

I would just say that he is neither a good man or one with good values but someone who has trodden all over his vows and family life. He wants it both ways and currently he's getting it (he's got two women fighting over him). Don't give him all the power and or satisfaction.

Sweetheart, you can't work through it if he has already told you he's leaving for this other woman, surely?

He's told you it's over, he wants her not you. Why will he change his mind?

She doesn't feel guilty because she doesn't have to. She knows he is married and wants him to leave you.

The awful thing is, she might be the type who decideds that once he does leave you and she's got him, she won't want him anymore.

Which is heartbreaking for you to watch, knowing that YOU want him.

I'm not sure what else to say to you other than I'm sorry to read your thread.

Please stop sleeping with him, Peter is right.

Take care of YOU xx

Everything that people say makes sense - if I distance myself from the situation I can see it. I know how I would advise a friend in this situation. But I just can't seem to accept it. I can't accept that my marriage is over. I keep hoping he will 'come to his senses' - he really is a good man.

I know it's wrong but when I sleep with him I feel close to him. I know him so well & know exactly what he likes in bed.......I suppose I also hope that if he is sleeping with me he won't sleep with her. I know that is bad.

Apart from all this he is a good man and a great dad with good values.

No, love

This is the man he is now.

You can't make someone love you.

The best chance you have is to tell him to go. He cannot respect you when you cling and beg for any crumbs of comfort...you know that. Maybe things won't work out out with the Big Romance and he will realise the grass isn't greener. Maybe it will. But if he comes back, it has to be his choice because he loves you and only you

If he stays now, you will have to allow him to still keep seeing her as it is obvious he won't give her up. Did you sign up for sharing a man ? An open relationship ?

He is being a shit by still sleeping with you. He knows you would do anything to make him stay. What kind of man does that make him ?

Tell him to go to her.

I'm so sorry, this must be so painful for you.
Get through one day at a time and don't worry - there's nothing wrong with beans on toast every night for a while.

I agree with the others - he is having the best of all worlds by having his affair out in the open and at the same time a loving wife and family. Don't sleep with him any more - he doesn't deserve you and your love if he can casually throw it away. Perhaps if he can see you mean business by organising your life without him he might realise what he might lose and it might make you realise you can manage without him, because you can do this you know. You have had 3 children and thinking of them will give you an inner strength you didn't know you had.

Will be thinking of you....hugs all round

You are being naive if you hink sleeping with him will stop him sleeping wih her.

At he moment, he is top dog with two tails

No man is worth that!

No man!

Let her have the booby prize. The Big romance won't seem so "star crossed" when they are struggling with 3 children on access visits that aren't even hers and she is washing his skiddy undies.

No good will come of a relationship that starts in such a way. Hopefully, by the time he realises this, you will have moved on anyway and finally accepted you deserve more than to be treated as a disposable baby-maker, household appliance and warm place to rest his golden cock when he feels like it

I feel so angry for you. Can you not find any anger in you at all ????

I feel too exhausted & anxious to be angry. I don't think the lack of sleep helps either. To make it worse I have a big day at work tomorrow. My dad gets some important test results this week too which I am worried about.
During the day I just want to lie down on the bed. At night I sleep for just a few minutes then wake in a panic.
How did my life become such a mess!!!! I used to be good at my job, a good mum and have a happy family life - now look at my - why am I so crap. ...... And yes I know feeling sorrow for myself won't help!

He will be home soon. Despite everything I am looking forward to seeing him. I love him but hate what he is doing! Pathetic! If only something could stop this pain. I constantly feel on edge, can't concentrate.

I can't bear the thought of her looking after my kids on access visits

Trust me on this, if there is to be any chance on salvaging anything, you need to make him respect you now. That means asking him to leave the bedroom (and ideally the house) and distancing yourself from him. Show him what he stands to lose and perhaps it will jolt him out of his midlife crisis.

And then if he wants to, you need to let him go to the OW. Agonising though it is, you just can't make him love you and you deserve someone who will.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be heartwrenching.

HMH... he is doing this to you

him

Get him out. You will find your equilibrium will return slowly but surely. Having him there is so wrong. No wonder your head is fucked.

Who is she? Do you know? I mean the OW. Do you know her ? Ever met her? Some stranger? xx

I don't know her. I have seen a pic on FB & know where she lives. She is his colleague. If I did know her I would go & talk to her.

He is home now. I feel better when he is here - why?

I wish there was someone who could come and mother you, because it's what you need right now. You said your Mum changed the subject, would she come if you said you needed her, or would she be more of a hindrance? Is there anyone who could come?

At the moment, this feels like too big a mess to you and you can't see the wood for the trees.

The sex you're having is understandable, but in this case it's doing you no good, because you absolutely need to detach from him. For you, it's also loaded with completely the wrong agenda. You're competing with the OW, but the reason he won't have penetrative sex is because he considers that would be infidelity to her (and I know how fucked-up that logic is, believe me).

He's duped you for 5 months and abused your generosity in saying you would try to forgive. When he got found out, he appears to have told you that he will be leaving you, but only when it suits him/them.

Don't let this happen. You need to get away from the sight of him, his smell, the sex - and all the things that keep you attached and addicted to him. You also need to restore your own self-respect and believe me, whatever happens, you will eventually want him to respect you too. He doesn't right now.

Tell work what has happened and ask them to cut you a bit of slack for a short while. Find out if there's a workplace counselling service too. See if a RL helper will help you sort out finances, because the more things that you can get some clarity on, the better you'll feel.

Don't worry at all about giving yourself and the DCs an easy life at the moment - no child ever died from tinned food and ready-meals. Ignore the dust too. Treat this situation as though you have been knocked over by a bus and need help to nurse your wounds. But the most important thing you can do is to muster up all your dignity and ask him to go now.

If he leaves we will be in huge financial mess & I have to cope with house, garden, job, kids etc etc

I know on one level it makes so much sense for him to leave but would it really make my life easier? Would it be easier for him & her if he leaves? I don't want to assist their relationship.
My mum can't handle it - she gets upset & I feel worse. She has issues.
I dont really have anyone close, I wish I did. : (

He will still have to support his children

Have you sought any RL advice on the finances. Every single woman on hese kinds of threads have said hey were pleasanly surprised at how much support there actually is for lone women with children.

Ask for a leave of abscence from work.

Or better still, get your GP to sign you off sick. That is what I would do. You simply cannot cope with everything right now.

Use the time to find out your financial rights and entitlement to any top-up benefits etc. Rally family and friends to help out with the kids for the next few weeks.

Don't hang on to a dead relationship because you fear being alone. His respect for you will be plummetting daily.

Right,you are in shock and that is understandable and very normal.There are lots of us who step in with advice on these threads because we have been in your exact position and are still here to tell the tale.You need to try and help yourself a bit for the sake of your dcs.

Firstly,breathe deeply-you are an adult woman who has given birth to children and are in good physical health,you can deal with this it will be hard and painfull but you can still deal with it.

You need to eat and drink-just shove it in you need it to cope.

Take back a little control,he has cheated on you after yrs of marriage and broken up your family,get a little angry and stop sleeping with him he doesnt deserve you now.

Contact some friends or family,you need them,you dont hsve to tell everyone at the moment just one or two.

The other big decisions cant wait for now just collect yourself,even when you dont sleep with him you will feel a little more in control of things.

You absolutley can and will get thru this he is just a man and you can live with out him.

Beans on toast is a perfectly adequate meal,i remember wailing down the phone to a friend "the children havent had vegetables for days"

Keep on here,you will get so much support,i wish id had it when it happened to me.