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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
Diggs · 07/04/2011 09:09

I did just that H , it brought it to a swift end . Id had enough of being expected to keep his dirty secrets while he treated me like crap.

ledkr · 07/04/2011 19:37

hold-i wouldnt open the can unless it will help your cause,it will hurt you to know details.Ii avoided the details of ex dh and his ow,i would even cut people off mid coversation as soon as i realised they were going to "kindly" fill me in on some unecessary details.However if you think it would help to get him out then go for it.
How are you feeling at the moment?Any better?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 07/04/2011 19:47

Feel a bit better but head still spinning about what I want / need to do.

I saw another solicitor today (free consultation) who seemed really good - and really expensive!!!!

OP posts:
ledkr · 07/04/2011 19:53

Did you try cab?Just a thought. I think in a way by the time you do separate you will be so sick of him that it will be easier on you than if he had left at first. I think i had a very good solicitor (gloucester) she was a bit of a man hater apparently men are quite scared of her Grin her ex's ow died whilst i was seeing her,she said she didnt know whether to laugh or cry.I paid about 2000 but added it to the mortgage when i re mortgaged to pay him off.I wonder if cab could advise you re legal aid?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 07/04/2011 23:23

Wouldn't get legal aid because there is equity in house - not much!!

I think really what I need to do is to spend a bit of time thinking about what I want from all this - at the moment I just don't know which makes it hard to make a decision.

OP posts:
Diggs · 08/04/2011 09:27

Are you sure Hold ? Nobody ever asked me about this , it just went off my income . And i had a lot of equity. Well at one time anyway !

ledkr · 08/04/2011 10:23

me too digs i had a lot of equity but i did have a final bill did you?Just added it to mortgage tbh.
Hold you do what you need to do love but do check the legal aid thing to help you make a decision.
Di you mange to book a break?Someone just told me that there are weekend breaks very cheap over the royal wedding weekend.

Diggs · 08/04/2011 17:43

Not yet , im not quite done yet.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 08/04/2011 18:00

I did an online calculator for legal aid and also asked sol.

I think that I am beginning to start coming to terms with everything that has happened - not really looking forward to weekend as H probably around more - will try and just keep busy.

OP posts:
glintwithpersperation · 08/04/2011 21:55

Hmh, I've read your whole thread this evening and I am really touched by your story. You are making fantastic progress and sound like such a lovely person. Your 'd'h is behaving appallingly.

I have no personal experience to offer but have been thinking about your difficult financial situation. Would it be worth getting a few valuations for your house. Then u could work out if u are better off separating with 50% of equity or divorcing with 60% (or maybe up to 70%?) minus his debts.

Just a thought

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 08/04/2011 23:11

Hi glint - yes I probably will get a couple of valuations - house needs a bit of work first if possible.
I am trying to really think things through - do I want to sell house or do I want to stay here for a while? Etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 09/04/2011 17:33

Weekends are really hard.

OP posts:
AnotherMumOnHere · 09/04/2011 23:22

I remember the weekends being very hard too ... when my ex had access. I hope you manage to hang in there tomorrow HMH.

Thinking about you. xx

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 10/04/2011 00:12

Thanks Anothermum - I don't see much of h during the week and most evenings I find something to watch on tv.
It is harder at weekends when he is here. There is either animosity between us which in some ways makes me feel better but is still unpleasant or like today he is doing the we need to be friends and try & get on, which I find really difficult. Part of me hates him for everything he has done and put me & kids through but a small part of me still hopes that maybe we will get back together................... I don't know how I can even think that.

OP posts:
radiohelen · 10/04/2011 08:04

Hold - you think like that because you have so much shared history and it means something to you. You have to grieve for this relationship because you had an idea of how it was going to be in the future and that has been taken away from you. The past is what you remember, usually with lovely rosy tinted spectacles on, and that's what keeps dragging you back to him. In a way it's easier when people have died because at least they don't turn up on the couch stinking of some strangers perfume and talking about step sisters (wtf????).
Sorry been lurking!
He has consigned that shared history to the dump and started to make a new history with the Ow. You need to do the same. Start making fun memories with your kids and without him.
On the holiday front - I know you were looking at Butlins... the Sun's £15 holidays are back. My brother has been on a couple of these and they are not bad - a holiday is what you make it. Can you get your family to collect up tokens? It's something practical they can do. Maybe they could pay for a bit of the holiday rather than buy easter eggs?
On the house front - get a man in to do the maintenance on your property. Pay for it from the joint account. It's not unreasonable to ensure your one big asset is in good nick, then get the valuations in.

hairylights · 10/04/2011 08:45

Poor you. Sounds horrendous.

"I know it's wrong but when I sleep with him I feel close to him. I know him so well & know exactly what he likes in bed.......I suppose I also hope that if he is sleeping with me he won't sleep with her. I know that is bad."

I know this is hard to hear but if you are still pandering to his every whim and he's already told you he's leaving you for her, carrying on like this certainly isn't going to win his respect. He's having his cake and eating it.

ledkr · 10/04/2011 09:48

hold=on haven website i got mon-fri in easter school hols for 100 quid in a caravan with everything included.Have a look.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 10/04/2011 18:30

I am going away for a few days - thanks to a very kind offer. Will be really good to get away from here for a while.

H has been doing the let's be best friends script again - saying he wants to be there to support me & kids etc etc .... But he wants to continue his relationship with her, really cares about her etc.
I think he is still trying to stay living in the house & not move out.
Part of me thinks ok let him stay, let him think we are friends & continue to siphon money from the account while I still can ( he hasn't noticed yet!) I can try and get work done on house too. ( he at least mows the lawn too & can babysit )
I am just not sure if I am emotionally up to it.
I still find it really tough knowing he is with her.

I think in the long run I want to stay in the house - not telling him that as I may be able to get some repairs decorating done from joint account under premis of selling.

If I can harden up a bit I can use situation to my advantage - emotionally easier said than done though.

At least while he is playing Disney dad kids are getting new toys too!

Is it bad to think like that - am I just being bitter?

OP posts:
AnotherMumOnHere · 10/04/2011 18:52

Just want to say I hope you enjoy your time away HMH. Hope you get nice weather wherever you are going and you feel fresh when you get back. TC x

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 12/04/2011 21:57

Thanks to everyone who posted on this thread - you have all helped me so much. Don't know what I would have done without you - you have really helped me get through some really bleak days - I know I've still got a long way to go and no doubt a lot of bad days still to come but hopefully I will get there in the end. Going away tomorrow - really looking forward to it - will be great to get out of the house for a bit, DCs looking forward to it too.

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 14/04/2011 00:00

Have a great time hmh x

goingbacktowork · 22/04/2011 21:42

Is Holdmyhand back yet? Anyone heard that she is ok? Thanks

Xales · 22/04/2011 22:33

Hope you are having a good time away HMH /hugs

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 01/05/2011 12:18

Wanted to post an update but scared about tempting fate. I did have a really lovely few days away. While I was away h contacted me to say he ended it with ow - totally unexpected and I really did not know what to think. When I got back we talked and decided to get back together. It is still very early days but things so far are going well and h is totally different in his attitude. He is being very open about where he is going etc and no longer guarding his phone. He is also showing empathy & understanding & really trying to make things work. I know we have a long way to go but I feel really hopeful that it will work out.

I am still really grateful for all the support that I got on here - it really got me through some horrible dark days. Mn is an amazing place!

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 01/05/2011 12:29

please be careful. you are very vulnerable but have started to pick your life back up is there anything wrong in being by yourself for a few more months. he should respect that you need that time to come to terms with all that has happened before even thinking about getting back together

give yourself some space and time to decide what you really want and to get over what has happened. of course things will be great at first but the hurt will soon raise its ugly head, try dealing with this first and you may actually come to the decision that you want to try again then again you may want to move on but whatever he should give you that space to decide, he seems very changeable to what he wants and he also needs to really prove to you what he wants

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