Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

Mortgage break would only be 1 month & increases monthly payment. Our mortgage is very high - 4+ x our joint income plus we owe £30k debts.

I do feel angry but feel hurt & frightened more.

I just don't get how he is being so selfish?

Oh love, this is so painful for you, especially as your parents seem to be conflict-avoidants.

Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? She explains the concept of the monogamous infidel and it seems to fit your H to a T.

Your H might be a good man in all other respects, but he is perhaps someone who can only form an emotional and sexual attachment to one woman at a time. And when a really strong attachment occurs, he has empathy only for her and none for his primary partner and even his own DCs. He is in fact the opposite of a compartmentaliser who can keep his worlds separate.

This explains why he won't have penetrative sex with you - he feels that would be infidelity to the OW. It's why this often happens in reverse with monogamous infidels and there is no penetrative sex (for a while) with the affair partner - this is because there is sometimes still strong attachment to the spouse and it would seem a step too far. Such are the crazy bargains people make about what constitutes infidelity.....

He is selfish because he is in love and his feelings are so strong that they will permit some awful, cruel behaviour towards you. He is probably doing a good job of convincing the OW that he is entirely selfless and he is demonstrating all the good qualities to her, that he once showed to you. She can be blinded by that, because she has not yet been on the receiving end of his detachment and dismissiveness. She thinks he will never be that way to her...

.....but he will, when he finds his next "Great Romance Who Displaces All Gone Before"

You may only be able to get a 1 month holiday on the mortgage but how about going to interest only for a few months if that is possible?

If you are going to try and get out of the house breaking even and wiping out the debts you are going to be stuck in this god awful situation for a long long time.

Well at least until he decided the finances don't matter and her children will now accept him and will be off leaving you to deal with it all.

See if you can get some time with a financial advisor and how much you would lose if you sold up and seperated now. You may find it better to lose money than the emotional roller coaster you are going to be on until he goes. Which your children WILL pick up on.

They will know. /-: The quickest cleanest break you can manage will be better for you and them.

Oh get copies of any bank statements etc that may show any savings and if you can a few of his wages slips in case he suddenly earns a lot less to be able to pay you maintenance.

I have got bank statements. Mortgage is already interest only. If we sell now we would not cover mortgage debt - we got a valuation not that long ago.

I have to find some way of living with him - not hating him but not loving him. If only I could go back to this time last year before it all started.

How likely is his relationship with her to last - he says he loves her, she is his soulmate & equal. Can it last or will they split up once they are out in the open? I don't think I could ever forgive her enough to let her be involved with my kids.

Who is she and how did they meet? This will help me to answer your question. Remind me when they first met and then when the affair started.

No one can answer that question.

They could be together 6 months and just cause chaos or they could be together the next 60 years.

Great that she is his soul mate (do all cheating scum use that ffs) and equal. She is the equal of a lying, cheating, uncaring man.

If you get angry remember that. You can turn it round to him and say how much better you are and always will be than his equal .

Anything else you can sell that can reduce your debts?

How about an IVA or even bankruptcy (is that spelt right)? It would make your life more difficult for a few years but it is cleared away.

They are work colleagues. The started as friends, he had known her a couple of years. Started affair I think June / July. She is couple of years older & has teenage kids. She was married a long time and split with her h over their affair. She phones and texts him several times a day. She is good looking.

Well apart from relationships with old flames, this is the most durable kind of affair relationship, I'm sorry to say. It doesn't sound like a crush between two romantic idiots, that's been mistaken for love. It's been a gradual erosion of boundaries over a long time. If you discovered it 5 months ago and it started in the summer, it would have still have been quite new. The soul mates stuff is complete nonsense of course - although they think they know eachother quite well, they have never lived together and will still be showing eachother fictional sides to their characters.

Your H will also be reckoning with the sacrifices she has made for their relationship; it ended her marriage and robbed her children of living with their father . He will feel he must make a similar sacrifice.

I promise you with all my heart that if your H is going to come back to you, because that is clearly what you want, the only way he will is if he thinks he has lost you for good.

Detaching from him fully is a win-win for you. You start to live an independent life and make changes, so that whereas at first it is a process of acting detached, eventually you will become detached. This will in turn be the single most effective way of him wanting you back, but if he doesn't, you will have a life of your own again. And if he does, you might decide then that actually, being deceived even after you tried to forgive was a step too far and you deserve much better.

It's obvious from what you've said that your life could be enhanced by more friendships and attachments to good, kind people. It sounds as though you have made your H and family your world, leaving you especially vulnerable right now.

This is an opportunity to change all that and reach out to people.

Holdmy you feel 'better' when he comes home because your brain plays tricks when you are so upset and its like 'the old days' again when you hear his key in the door or his car pull up. You so want to believe that he is going to suddenly change his mind...say sorry and fling himself on your mercy.

But this won't happen - if nothing else, because, as WWIFN says, he will be feeling that he too either should or now can, make the same 'sacrifices' that the OW has made for their relationship. He feels he has to match her 'commitment'

Jeez it's so teenagery.

Also, who told you that she has left her H for him? Where are you getting your info from? Only from your husband? I wonder how the OW's husband is feeling? I wonder if he is depressed and miserable or relieved that she has gone? How is she managing her finances? How come you have to be the one that shores up the whole sorry saga?

Gaah I am so upset and cross for you.

can you ask your H for more information - what circumstances is his OW living under - new flat>? staying in house with her husband but living 'separate lives' ?

You need more information .

If I lived in Birmingham I would come and make you tea, cakes, buy wine in, get a takeaway, give you a shoulder massage, get some kleenex, put dcs to bed.

He told me that ow split from her h over affair - her h was apparently devastated. She is living in her marital home. She lives in a cheaper property area so I would guess their mortgage was low.

Does he really love her or just think he does? He says the never argue. How long does it take for infatuation to wear off & reality to kick in?

He will be home again soon. He is probably on his phone to her now on his way back that is what he usually does.

Well he hasnt been with her for 23 years and have 3 children does he! I bet they do argue. I wouldn't believe a single word he says. They will be having 'angst' arguments. They really are boring and tedious after a while.

Anyway, however their soul-matey bollox pans out (yawn), you simply have to start thinking about yourself and the DCs.

I am just astounded that he is still coming home to you. Can't he at least buy you all a large KFC on the way?

I mean, who is going to make supper for you all and who is going to put the DCs to bed?

Yes the practicalities of being married and having a family go on. He probably comes in looking all wan and desolate.

I think you need to open a bottle of ginger ale, kick your shoes off, put some music you like on loudly and get on the phone.

To me. I will talk you through his queen of bloody sheba arrival home.

He really takes the biscuit.

HMH I really feel for you, this is a terrible time for you. This may be a bit soon to suggest such an upheaval, just a suggestion, I have been reading your thread and sympathising with your financial situation as it seems to be the sticking point...I had to rent my flat out so I could move from a 1 bed as I couldn't sell it.

Maybe you could rent your house out for now while you work out finances, at least then you don't have to live togther.

I wouldn't discuss too much what he does he will have to sort that out himself seeing as he caused this mess but see what you can afford ?

Do you have a spare bedroom ?

Get this cheating tosser out and move a lodger in.

I did think of renting the house out - not sure rent would cover mortgage though. There are also some repairs / work needed to make it rentable - about £4k worth of work needed.

He is still not home yet.

I know i have to think of myself and kids - really hard though.

I dont know how to behave around him. I dont want to seem upset but dont want to appear angry in front of kids. I dont want to argue / discuss anything.

With the tea - if i just make for me and kids is that petty? In some ways if we are to live under same roof we have to be civil???? but dont want to condone what he has done in anyway.

Tonight should i sit in the lounge with him watching tv or ask him to go to another room once kids in bed? I dont want to make things anymore difficult / tense but dont want it too easy for him.

did think about lodger - would be a possibility - we live in a small rural village so not sure how much call for that type of accomadation but i will ask around

Put an advert in your local paper

I would rather a lodger shared my house than this cruel bastard

At least kids can play in garden today as weather good!

DO NOT MAKE TEA FOR HIM

eat with the children before he gets in

DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR HIM

IT IS NOT PETTY

I promise you you can be civil whilst doing these things but you have to start being detached from him, if the kids ask, just say oh I'm hungry h doesn't mind.

Just tell him you can be civil but only if he looks after himself

good practice for having a lodger !

You will have to be civil for access so you may as well start as you mean to go on.

I did it through gritted teeth and it really helped me not play the victim. I hated him with all my heart but was friendly so ds never picks up on anything. Its not his fault after all, just that I picked such a dick to have a baby with

Get an agent round, you may find the work is not needed.

some properties I have seen really DO need stuff doing, and they still get rented as they are.

Ask the question, if we were to do X y or Z, would we get more rental value? If not, then don't do it.

GUMTREE? would that work - I've heard of it, can other MNers validate it?

Does his OW know you are still having sex/being intimate with him. My DH's OW thought he was true only to her until I sent her the emails of him begging me for sex etc. I should point out here that I had no idea there was an OW - told me he needed his space and was staying with a mate though wouldn't tell me who (can't believe I fell for that crap now). OW sent me some vile texts when I found out about them, telling me I was a sad, loser whose DH neither wanted her or loved her and to get over myself ! (Nice lady ) My DH gave her my mobile phone number and could give me no response when I asked why. Anyway I thought she deserved to know that he could also be a lying, cheating twat to her too and asked for her email address to prove it. It was obvious I could not have created those emails in the time I took to send them to her and she knew it.

Please go back to the GP if you are still struggling with high levels of anxiety, I was on diazepam for a week just to calm me down. My DH had also managed to run up horrendous debts (totalling nearly £500K including the mortgage) and I was a SAHM. The solicitor basically told me to stay put in the house until it was repossessed because he wouldn't be able to keep "spinning the plates" and I would end up on income support and housing benefit. Not good but I could live with it.

When I found out about the OW, all his stuff was packed in binbags which I made him collect immediately or it would be left outside for people to help themselves.

I can't believe the relationship board ATM, it's almost exactly 2 years to the day when my DH first left me. I was very fortunate, my family and his rallied round as nobody could make sense of what he was doing. I also had 4DSs who were very badly affected by what their father did.

One day at a time and please kick him into touch and get the binbags ready.

BTW I was so distraught that I did phone the Samaritans in the early hours one night, they are always there to listen whatever time you phone.

Hope I haven't cross posted with too many people, had to sort out tea and fights.

PS me and my DH are still together 2 years on, but only after I took control, a period of seperation and a lot of couselling. He also had to completely change and acknowledge his weaknesses and character flaws etc and I learnt not too accept such shitty behaviour from anyone again (I was/am very co-dependent)

Good luck.

Sorry that should read "Whose DH neither wanted me or loved me and to get over myself"

Some of the work is safety stuff that really needs doing. Some unfinished work from previous building work - not really cosmetic.

He is home now.

I can hate him when I think short term - like being angry after a row - but when I think long term I still think of us somehow making up.
I guess I cannot accept he has changed so much & is doing this to me & his family.