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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 20:50

You wouldn't be "assisting their relationship" or "driving him into her arms"

Love, he is already there. he did that all by himself

Why aren't you listening to what he is telling you ? He is going to leave you when it suits them

listen to him

He is telling you how it is going to be.

Take control back, your self esteem will thank you for it.

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 20:52

WWIFN is right.

He didn't have full penetrative sex wih you because he is holding that back for the OW. In his head, that means he is staying faithful to her.

Think about that, and find your anger.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 21/03/2011 20:52

How old are the DCs?

Can you get in touch with your health visitor to see if there's any help to be had e.g. a Sure Start helper?

ledkr · 21/03/2011 20:57

I just had to add and echo the relief you will feel when YOU tell him what is happening,the look on his face will stick in your memory and get you thru the coming weeks. At the moment he has it all his own way and as he is the one making all the decisions he probably feels fine and dandy unlike you.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 20:58

I have looked into my entitlements financially. I earn a reasonablish wage so no top up benefits. Would get some more tax credits and approx 25% of his salary. We have a huge mortgage & debts - we only just scrape by with both salaries.

I do want him to respect me.

I don't understand really why he hasn't already gone if he is so in love with her?

OP posts:
ledkr · 21/03/2011 20:59

f'ing cheek really!

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 21:00

Because for some reason they are not ready. Where are they planning to live together ?

Perhaps she has some poor person she needs to dump ?

It doesn't matter why. Your situation is intolerable, IMO.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:01

I think he would be relieved if I ask him to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:04

She lives with her older dcs - her dh her because of this affair. He said if he leaves he will get a flat.

OP posts:
Xales · 21/03/2011 21:04

you may not believe so and it will break your heart but eventually you will be relieved too if you tell not ask him to go.

You will start to dislike yourself if you carry on like this /-:

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 21:04

That tells you all you need to know, surely ?

Why would you hang on ? Just because you don't want to give him what he clearly wants ?

Is he trying to protect his "reputation" so that he can justify to himself and everyone else that you "threw him out" ?

So fucking what. the only people who need to know the truth are you and him. He can try to delude himself...but that is what is is...a delusion

I am so sorry, but please try to rediscover your dignity. xxx

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 21:10

He will move in with her. He is lying to you. From what you have said, he wouldn't be able to afford a flat, other than a grotty bedsit.

I can't imagine an arrogant, self-entitled man such as him settling for that.

Love, you are not being told the full story here. You only have his word for what their plans are.

For all you know, she might be trying to put the brakes on him moving in, and he is hedging his bets by staying with you until it is all sorted. Her dc's may be making their life fucking hell right now...they just lost their resident dad, remember.

whatever

it doesn't matter

the best course of action is still that he goes

today

I shall stop posting now, because I am repeating myself and it's starting to look like I am hounding you to break up your relationship, so I shall withdraw.

Take care, and all the best x

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:13

I really appreciate everyone's advice - I know I am being rubbish & weak.
I can't help loving him. I want my kids to have a full time dad. They love him so much. I can't play football with them, I don't know how to use the wii or xbox.
What about the holiday we have booked this summer?
When he is here I feel more ok - less anxious.
I suppose also I want to think that if we have to split ive tried everything to save my family.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 21:17

No, please don't misunderstand me.

I don't want to put any more pressure on you, it's the last thing you need right now.

My advice can be very hard to read, I know that.

This is your thread, and I am monopolising it.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:22

Maybe that is it - they are waiting for her kids to get over their dad moving out & he is biding time with me.
Why can't life be simple!
He has always been my best friend, my soulmate. What can she give him that I can't!!!!
What makes men do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:27

Peter - thanks for your advice, you are not monopolising I appreciate your advice I really do. I just find it so hard to face up to things - maybe denial. I just seem to be living in hell - I just feel awful.

OP posts:
Xales · 21/03/2011 21:27

I think that is exactly it. Nicer to stay in a warm cosy bed and house and have a bit of the old while you are waiting....

That is all you are to him.

Christ that sounds harsh sorry /-:

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 21:30

Am not going anywhere, just going to STFU for a while.

See, I still can't leave it, can I ? Smile

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:32

But why would he do that to me? Doesn't what we had mean anything? How could he just stop loving me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:33

Peter : )

OP posts:
carlywurly · 21/03/2011 21:36

I so feel for you. It's awful, I know that.
He isn't the same man though, something in him has changed. He may still love you, but not in the way that you need, and certainly nobody who properly loved you would want to put you through this hell.

Counselling would be great for you to work this through. You need to grieve for the relationship you thought you had, and that isn't an overnight process. Be really gentle on yourself.

Firepile · 21/03/2011 21:38

So sorry this is happening to you, Hmh.

Please don't be giving yourself a hard time - things sound quite hellish enough. When my H left me, I literally couldn't bear not to be in denial about it. I think it is a normal survival mechanism.

I really think that the other posters are right about what is happening, though. I wish they weren't - one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn though, is that hoping and loving and wanting is not enough to make things all right.

But I've also learnt that it is possible to keep going. Even when things seem utterly unbearable (and they often do), you can find the resources from somewhere to keep going.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:46

So is that what is going on.........

He does not love me and has no intention of ever reconciling. He loves her and is waiting for her kids to be ready to accept her having new relationship. He has sex with me because he can. He does not respect me at all.

Is there no chance that he is just infatuated with her and will come to his senses? Could he not respect me for what we had? Maybe she will start pressuring him and he will get fed up with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 21:54

How can I stop loving him? How do I explain it all to the dcs? I hate to think of them being hurt. My youngest is only 3. They love him.

OP posts:
Xales · 21/03/2011 21:58

You pain is so clear. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

He has told you plain and simple. He does not love you. He loves her. He is leaving you to be with her.

I once spoke to a man who was cheating on his wife. He was of the mind set if the girlfriend wasn't there when he was horney the wife would do and could have it.

Not saying your H is the same but.......

Of course there is a chance that he could realise what he is losing.

If you sit around waiting for this he will never respect you and he would do the same again.

You need to live your life for you. Regain the strong woman inside.

If he becomes a part of that again in the future that would be fantastic and I wish you all the best. Don't sit around and wait for it and when it happens you may find you no longer want him.