Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

I hope you feel very proud of yourself for making this move. There is so much truth in what the MNers on here have written - the answers are here. What perfumed life has written is so right.

A friend of mine was in a similarish situation several years ao. I thought it might help you to be strong if I retold. When her husband left her for someone else she also could not say no to any advance from him. She thought this was him saying he still loved her and was her way of maintaining some sort of relationship with him. She could not do it. He would call and she went running to him. She went for months of counselling etc. It was only when he said to her during a call that he was having problems with new woman and that having sex with her (i.e. the ex wife) was fine as "there were no strings attached." that she realised she had been deluding herself. To her it had meant everything and to him it had meant absolutely nothing. It was like a lightbullb has been turned on. She took back control. She never met up with him again and started looking forward with her life. She has never looked back. Even today she cannot believe how blinkered she was at the time. If she can do it you will be able to.

GBTW... sex with the poor deluded wife was "no strings attached"

that is chilling

HMH...let that be a stark warning to you.

Bornagain - I do not want to facilitate his new relationship.
If we sell the house we make a big loss - house devalued, penalty clause in mortgage etc
Between us we cannot pay for house and rent on even a cheap flat. If he moves out he will not be able to pay me enough to cover mortgage & bills. I think it is important not to default on mortgage.
I don't know what else to do.
I don't want to disrupt kids.
I am not sure if it does facitate new relationship for him - if I was ow I would not want him in same house as wife.
I don't know what else I can do.

I am not planning to have sex with him - but I know that if I was having a weaker moment then I would find it hard to day no if he initiated it. I know it would not be right and would hurt me more so I don't want to do it.

Then make it perfectly plain by stopping all affectionate contact that sex is not on the cards

You will cave if he initiates ?

Come on, you are a grown woman. There is a word such as "no".

Feel rubbish.

Come on hmh you can do it. You have made a great start looking into all the practicalities. I know you love him, but you have to think of yourself right now. Just focus on the immediatie future and try not to worry about the bigger picture. All the very best to you.

Really struggling this morning.

Hi. Mornings are horrible right now, so are mid-mornings, lunchtimes, afternoons and evenings. It will all be horrible for a while. Accept it, go with the horrible flow. Because it is going to get much better with time.

You have been incredible - setting up a separate account, staying nice for the DCs, finding out information about credits etc. All these things take the wind out of you but you have to keep doing it. Baby steps but firm baby steps.

You must go and see a solicitor. Have you organised this? Organising counselling is very good. Well done. When might that start? You can pay privately if you can't wait - about 30 pounds an hour once a week. I couldn't afford it when exh left but I prioritised it anyway. It was something to do for me and boy I needed it, to see why I had been such a doormat.

make a list of things you can do each day.

I repeat, you must see a solicitor and get the divorce rolling. Horrid scary word i know, but this man is an utter shocking creepy bastard.

And of course he has somewhere to live rent free while he continues to support you and the dcs which is his responsibility...um, he can move in with his girlfriend and let her support him while the two of you sort this out.

WWIFN might suggest that you actually get her number and ring her,as calmly as you can (important) andf ask that she comes to pick him up and all his stuff, this afternoon, as you do not want him anymore

for you.

(((((())))))

He has already said he won't move in with her yet - think it is her kids.
Have seen solicitor a few weeks ago. Don't think I can face divorce yet.too bigger step.
How do I stop thinking about him.
This is so awful. He doesn't even seem hurt.
I hate this.
I did think of ringing her but sure she would not pick up or speak to me & don't want to look desperate.

hi hmh,its ok to struggle and mornings are shite too,all your coping mechanisms are stil tired.
I am going to be a bully and side with everyone else snd say no no to any physical contact.He wants a hug?Does he now,aghhh poor him,you wanted a lot of things and he doesnt care so sod him.
Going backs friends story reminded me of xh who also wanted us to hug and persue a close friendship,quoting friends of his who remained close-this was about 2 days after the affair came out.Its all for there guilt and ego not yours.

He's not hurt, though. He hasn't lost anything. And he's so far detached from you that he sees you like a wiggling bug through a microscope - oh, it appears to be distressed - nothing to do with me. If it's any consolation though, I doubt he loves the OW either in any sense you'd recognise as love (you know, where you care about other people's feelings). There is no room for love for anyone but himself.

hmh-HE AND OW ARE BEING CONSIDERATE OF HER DCS BUT NOT YOURS?
wtf? That would make me fuming,if you shag a married man then you are stuck with him and his baggage too and cant dictate whst happens next.
I dont think your currnet emotional state will allow this situation of still living together,get a solicitor im sure its not your problem if he cant afford to live elsewhere.Look at the options available.

How considerate of him to understand OW's point of view and agree, say, that it's not fair to unsettle her dcs.

Look, this slime-ball has a ready-made bed at her place, that he and she have already chosen to lie in.

Time he skipped off there permanently, as this will give you the breathing space to cry, grieve, get angry and get some solid RL help in, that you so need now.

Frankly, it's not down to him and OW to decide things anymore. You are in control (doesnt seem like it I know). Let the OW clean his underpants and scrub his poo from the toilet bowl. She might just decide after a couple of months, that he is not such a prize after all. By then, you will be in a much stronger position to decide exactly what you want.

ie, a holiday in south of France with the dcs, or a Kitchenaid Artisan to make home-made bread.

Bastardy man. (((()))) to you. Thank god you have your lovely dcs to cherish and hold and snuggle up to.

I wishI could cherish my kids - I can't at the moment. Dd is downstairs in front of cbbies while I lie on bed.
He won't move in with her. I can't risk loosing our house.
I think he does love her & care for her feelings. He says she is a lovely person.
How can I keep strong?
He thinks we can carry on as normal for kids but live separately. He even wanted to visit my parents later & couldn't understand me saying not too.
Why can't he have some empathy?

I can't remember if you have told your parents what is happening and what he ahs been up to?

If not you really should as you need their support now - would they be able to offer you support do you think? What about friends?

The dc watching telly is absolutely fine. My ds (6 months at the time exh left us) was sat in front of the telly or sitting on his play mat propped up with cushions for aaages while I just wailed and tried to breathe. Don't put any pressure on yourself to be super woman re the dcs for now. They will be fine. And anyway i am sure you are taking amazing care of them.

He doesnt have any empathy because he is a shit trying to weaken you. He has detached a long time ago and thinks he is doing nothing wrong. he is cruel, calculating and obviously has a gargantuan high opinion of himself. He is very mistaken of course, but nothing and nobody will make men like him see this.

You need more RL support - people who can hold your hand emotionally through this and give you practical help. My neighbour used to come round with food and sometimes bathed the baby for me as I was in such a state.

Do you have a good friend nearby? Can you also perhaps go to your GP and tell him/her what is going on? I went straight onto ADs which helped a LOT.

I really feel your pain. I remember it so vividly. But you are going to come out of this. There is a bright and happy future for you and your children. There really is. My exH walked out on a friday morning in June 2008. I thought I would die. But nearly three years on I am happier than i have ever been. Honestly.

I have to go to work now but will be back later this afternoon. make yourself a cup of tea and get onto the phone. And keep posting. I had such a tremendous amount of help, advice and support from Mntters who had faced similar trauma.
Objective but kind and experienced words will help you get through the day. And night!
x

Thank you - I cant talk to my parents. I called round this morning but they won't discuss it. They like h.

I have managed to get a counselling session tonight.

I don't have any close RL friends - have confided in a few people but all are busy with work / kids etc

where are you op?Im sure a mn nearby would meet you for a coffee,you need to chat to other people as the isolation is hideous.The weather is fab here can you take dc out for a walk.

You ask how you can stay strong,honey you will never be strong whilst this is going on,you say he wont move out well he will if you tell him to,i know plenty of people still live together for a bit but you are too emotionally fragile to do this and when it suits him and ow oh yes and her children to move in with her he will do leaving you feeling like you do now but worse.

Do you think he may change his mind if you stay together cos i dont think it will work like that,he will just lose respect for you.

Her kids are blissfully unaware and/or will be given the dignity and respect of their world changing whilst yours are having to experience their mum distraught,please ask yourself if that is fair.

What do you mean, they won't discuss it Holdmyhand? Do you mean, they literally tell you to stop talking about your husband cheating on you?

I know this is the worst pain you have ever felt. It hurts like hell, and then some. You need to know though, it does get better, bit by bit. You are doing so well, am so impressed with what you managed to achieve, getting the bank account and financial advice! I struggled to put my shoes on for a week, blowing my nose was out of the question.

Does he have parents/siblings? That he is careful of ow's feelings and kids over yours says it all. He nees to move out, he wanted this woman, he has to start this life ASAP, and the sooner he does, the sooner he will find it wanting. It's 100% in your interest to get him out there, even if you want him to come to his senses and think about what he is giving up. He can't miss it until it's gone. You have to get him out, to force this issue.

If you're in Scotland I can come fetch you from anywhere op. I make great coffee

Her kids are older - teenage. I did tell him yesterday to move out - but if he does he will be spending money I need to pay mortgage.

My mum can't cope with emotional stuff - leaves room or changes subject.

His family is very dysfunctional and not local.

I live in East Mids

I hate what he is doing. But I can't help believing that inside he is not a bad man, we were together & happy a long time & he was kind & a good dad.

Thanks perfumedlife - that's really kind, I'm not in Scotland : (

Have you asked your lender if it's possible to take a mortgage holiday while you both sort out the finances? Always worth asking, they used to be very good at allowing this.

hes not a bad man but he is behaving very badly.My mum is a bit like that but she did step up for me when it happened.
I think you are just very hurt and shocked at the moment,i was like that and am ashamed to say was quite needy around him,trying to get him to stay etc
About 2 weeks later the anger kicked in big time,i think when this happens to you you may hit the bloody roof and tell him to sling his hook.I can still see the shock on his face when i was all feisty and angry,"whats wrong with you?" he asked. "um let me think,oh yes you have been shagging someone else" said I, "get over it" he said-IT WAS 2 WEEKS LATER-
Come to think of it,he is being all reasonable and calm because he knows it will keep you from getting angry and also cos hes not hurting hinself is he,just biding his time untill he can move on when it suits everyone else but you and your children.Get