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Original poster

OH being a wimp

258 replies

lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 10:01

Ok long winded boring story - but I will just give you the bones. My OH left his wife- for me, we are happy and have a wee one of our own. He usually has to go to her house to see his DD but occasionally he is allowed to take her out. I have only been with him once to drop her off - as we had been to his parents house- which is the other side of her house from ours.
When we got home he got a text from her saying he was not to bring me back to her house again ( I didn't get out of the car). I asked what his reply was- but I know he just ignored it.
It is his DD's birthday this week and he is allowed to have her on Sat- the plan was to take her to his parents for the day- but means I will be in the car when he drops her off.
I said- as a joke, shall I get out and hide behind the hedge when you drop off DD- he said , yes!
I said this was not going to happen - he accused ME of being unreasonable- so now we are not speaking and I have told hiom I am sick of him tip toeing around her- am I wrong here?
I dont want to upset her, I dont know her- but its been 18 months since he left her- how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/03/2011 10:04

Hoo-boy, are you going to get a pasting.

JeelyPiece · 16/03/2011 10:07

Right. Can you not find it within you to put yourself in her shoes, not even if you try really really hard?

He left her for you just 18 months ago, you already have a child together... is she supposed to be happy for you? Unbelievable.

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 16/03/2011 10:08

You are expecting too much, why should she respect you, you didn't respect her.

SenoritaViva · 16/03/2011 10:09

I am sorry but I think you might be flamed for expecting respect as his partner from his ex wife. I can understand you expecting it say from his parents or some friends, but essentially you are saying she has to respect you as his partner but you are not willing to respect her feelings that you are the reason her husband left. I am sure it must be frustrating but from your husband's perspective he is probably trying to be accommodating to his ex for the sake of his DD. You are the one he loves and so he can expect you to be the flexible one as you are the one he can hug and say thank you to. Sorry but I think you should support him on this one.

Original poster
lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 10:10

no of course not- but its not my fault their marriage failed- she has never said a word to him- why do women always take it out on other women?
and no I can't feel sorry for her - she treated him like a child and walked all over him then- and still does

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 16/03/2011 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lubeybooby · 16/03/2011 10:12

It's been 18 months, should be water under the bridge by now surely

Shit happens and for the sake of the kids moving on has to be done

and I speak as the one who got cheated on and left and then had to accept the OW as my DD's stepmum.

Original poster
lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 10:12

No its not her I want respect from its my OH he's treating me like she does. I have no interest in any relationship with her- as I am sure she doesn't with me-

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 16/03/2011 10:13

I have a suspicion that you feel strongly about this and aren't going to be willing to listen to people's suggestions/opinions. Sorry if I'm wrong, but I often wonder why people ask for opinions when they simply want validation that they are right.

GypsyMoth · 16/03/2011 10:14

he needs to go to court to obtain a contact order.....she has no right to 'let' him only have the dd occasionally....THIS is where he needs to man up!! on behalf of his DD.....who deserves a good relationship with her dad,and half brother or sister.

SenoritaViva · 16/03/2011 10:18

Despite all the things I have said, I do still think that having a problem with you sitting in the car is a bit strange.

I think perhaps if you hadn't put the last sentence about deserving respect as his partner it wouldn't have sounded to bad! I see now you meant from your partner not from her (not how it reads, sorry).

exhausted2011 · 16/03/2011 10:18

put yourself in her shoes, all she is asking is not to see you.
She has to deal with her DD having you as a "stepmum"
it could take her a long time to get used to the idea.
Forget the OW, bad wife, bad marriage scenario, just think about how she feels about her daughter being with someone else

Crystaldolphin · 16/03/2011 10:19

Yes, agree ILT, he needs to formalise his contact with his dd. As for you OP, get a grip. It's NOT about you. Stop muscling in andlet your OH sort out his relationship with his DD without having to deal with your whining about whether or not you should be allowed to be there at pick up time. Sheesh, grow up.

squeakytoy · 16/03/2011 10:21

Why is he being a wimp? He left this woman for you, and he appreciates that she doesnt want it being rubbed in her face. Surely you can understand that. As a father he wants to keep the relationship with his wife as amicable as possible for the sake of his daughter.

If it means you have to keep your distance, then have the decency to respect that and understand it.

Tillyscoutsmum · 16/03/2011 10:25

Whilst I can see his ex may still be raw from his (and your) betrayal, I do think her objecting to you sitting in his/your car on a public highway outside her house, is a bit OTT. I do think your DH needs to man up a bit. Hiding behind a bloody hedge is stupid !

I agree he also needs to get contact formalised. Regardless of how their marriage ended, her "letting" him only see his dd occasionally or at her house is unfair

Crystaldolphin · 16/03/2011 10:28

She doesnt have to hide behind a hedge though does she? She can just stay at home and show some sensitivity.

Original poster
lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 10:30

I realise that many of you have been on the other side of this sorry scenario- or have friends who have-I am not a husband stealer, or a bad person. I fell in love with my soul mate.
I get that she needs to have control over something- but the problem I have is he always puts her feelings before mine. She picks and chooses when he sees his dd, and is liable to chop and change when it suits her.Yet we always accomodate her.
His parents live 70 miles away , she lives between there and here, I would be in the car, it seems childish to me to have to get out and hide when it was him who wrecked their marriage- with her help, and not me. I was single , he chased me and we fell in love. I am not expecting her to have any respect for me- I wouldn't ,but the least I think I can expect is my partner considering how I feel about having to hide like a naughty school girl because his ex says so

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 16/03/2011 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenoritaViva · 16/03/2011 10:35

I have to say that it wouldn't look good to DD if you got out and hid. The reality is that you will be her step mum whilst she is growing up and therefore you will need to respect one another. I don't think getting you to hide would really command that.

BMF's suggestion might be good and I would compromise, not around the corner but further up the road (like two houses down?)

Also agree with others that he needs to get formal access agreements for DD.

ivykaty44 · 16/03/2011 10:36

well my ex left me for OW and she was coming to the house - my solicitor at the time asked me If I wanted to put a stop to that happening - I shoke my head and said no why bother? My feeling was she was lumbered with the useless pond life.

Send her a text telling her at least she is free of the useless wimp now and not to worry to much about it as you have to wash his socks

3rdnparty · 16/03/2011 10:36

think he needs to formally sort out contact with his dd - should not be at anyones whim... children should not be footballs..

In the car is fine- if he's that bothered he should park round the corner... I know it sounds a bit weak and daft for you ...but minimising aggravation at pick ups/drop offs is better for DD and thats what should come first..

BluddyMoFo · 16/03/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayorquimby · 16/03/2011 10:39

I'm with you on this one OP. You're sitting in the car, that's it, it's inevitable that at times your paths will cross.

Crystaldolphin · 16/03/2011 10:40

"I fell in love with my soul mate". Presumably they were "soul mates" at one point and he did leave her for you didn't he? many might want to label that "husband stealing". Not me because I don't think people can be stolen, they go if they want to but I can certainly see why she doesn't want to see the woman who was the other party in the break up of her family sat in the car at the end of her drive. She shouldn't ever have to see you if she doesn't want to.

You don't get to dictate how long it takes for people to get over something like a marriage break up.

You don't have to hide like a naughty school girl, just keep out of it, until things shake down a bit.

dontdisstheteens · 16/03/2011 10:40

Your flippant suggestion about hiding behind a hedge started this. I can't believe that you have so little empathy for the woman whose life you broke. I truly cannot believe that you expect your partner to collude in such disrespect to the mother of his child. Did you expect him to laugh at how daft she was being to be upset by seeing you?

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