OH being a wimp

[lilysmemo]

Ok long winded boring story - but I will just give you the bones. My OH left his wife- for me, we are happy and have a wee one of our own. He usually has to go to her house to see his DD but occasionally he is allowed to take her out. I have only been with him once to drop her off - as we had been to his parents house- which is the other side of her house from ours.
When we got home he got a text from her saying he was not to bring me back to her house again ( I didn't get out of the car). I asked what his reply was- but I know he just ignored it.
It is his DD's birthday this week and he is allowed to have her on Sat- the plan was to take her to his parents for the day- but means I will be in the car when he drops her off.
I said- as a joke, shall I get out and hide behind the hedge when you drop off DD- he said , yes!
I said this was not going to happen - he accused ME of being unreasonable- so now we are not speaking and I have told hiom I am sick of him tip toeing around her- am I wrong here?
I dont want to upset her, I dont know her- but its been 18 months since he left her- how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

Sorr about tyops on phone, also, I'd suggest reading Niceguys posts, thoroughly.

Actually Emmy, i disagree. Having an affair etc and leaving his family is not necessarily a sign of a weak man. It does take a certain amount of courage/confidence to have an affair and to leave your family.

What is weak behaviour though is allowing his ex to dictate all the terms, asking your current GF to hide in a bush and allowing her to come along for the ride for no obvious reason than to sit in the car?

A real man would have told the ex that its none of her business where the new GF is. Told the current GF to butt out and she should stay at home during the visits until he's agreed a regular schedule for contact.

I think you have misunderstood- I am not at her front door every week- his parents live 70 miles away- his ex lives halfway between their house and ours so if we go to see his parents he drops DD off on the way home- I can't stay away its not practical!!!!
AAAARRRRGGGHHHH

So go to Mcdonalds then? Starbucks. Whatever. There's no need for you to sit in the car is there?

I think you are looking foe advice and sympathy in the wrong place.

I guess this is just one of the (many) unpleasant realities of the fact that your relationship began life as an affair. Your DP is torn between forging a new life with you, and the repercussions of the mess he has left behind.

You're not the first former-OW I've seen on MN complaining about the fact that everything is still not quite ticketyboo, even though YOU'VE decided that it should all be water under the bridge by now. The suggestion that somehow it's most inconvenient you are not being given your rightful place (because your DP's ex is still insisting on being difficult about the breakdown of her marriage) comes across as astounding selfish I'm afraid.

I agree with the others who suggested that it could well take years before the situation eases. It may be that, in some people's eyes, you will never entirely warrant the respect you feel you deserve in your now "official" relationship. And I imagine you'll just have to find a way to live with that. I echo what others have said in that what matters most anyway is not the relationship between the adults in this equation, but that you are all putting the needs of the children first...

In that case lily why can't you park the car further down the road so she can't see you?

I disagree there, I think certain character traits, leave more people open to affairs.

I don't think having an affair is courageous or confident at all.

A confident, courageous man would leave an unhappy marriage, before shitting on his own doorstep.

A weak man, always needs another woman to go to.

Men who have affairs, are so predictable in their mannerisms, most of the time, it's uncanny.

But you could park round the corner?!

He may be saying nothing because he feels guilty for the way he treated her - regardless of how happy you two are together - and may think that her request was actually quite reasonable all things considered...you need to talk to him and not treat this as a power struggle.

He may well be in love with you, but he is a parent and ultimately will have to find a way to co-parent with his ex which may mean that sometimes you lose that control you want (been there, know what its like and do empathise but you knew the situation), if you don't stop the power struggle you're ultimately asking him to choose between his child and you - not something you might want to hear the answer to...

Lily - I think people do understand, it's just that you seem angry and unsympathetic. Why not try to create a bit of peace here as there is obviously bad feeling.

Could your H call and say that he completely understands and is sorry he upset her - and that you will be with him this time as there is no choice.

I honestly think that in situations like these it is better to be open and have dialogue. Maybe she cried for two hours after seeing you last time and is lashing out angrily?

I think the comments about your H being obviously weak as he had an affair are slightly off actually - you can't judge someone for leaving their partner.

But I do think you should accept her hurt for a while longer.

I think the ex is unlikely to ever respect you - in time she may come to tolerate you.

However, you are right your OH is being a wimp in that he will not take appropriate steps to secure the relationship with his DD by formalising it.

I think this is a great example of 'you reap what you sow.'

From his ex-wife's point of view, you are the bitch (her pov, not me calling you one!) who broke up her marriage. And I fully expect his DD will come to hate you in the future.

Of course he was 50% responsible too but she has loved him in the past but has never loved you.

He is respecting his ex-wife's wishes and so should you. And if you feel inconvenienced or 'disrespected' then tough. It's karma and you've done nothing to earn her respect so shouldn't be shocked that you don't have it.

I think his ex w needs to grow up. She knows you are a couple- you have a child FGS. I can see how she is stopping short of offering you a cuppa and a chat, but not wanting to set eyes on you ia pretty immature.

her DH left her- if it hadn't been for you it may well have been for someone else. her anger should be directed at him- not you.

I think you ought to stand your ground. You are not going into her house, you are sitting in your car.

She needs help to come to terms with her loss, yes- that doesn't amount to you being invisible.

When I first met my dh he had been divorced for three years and flew to London every Fridy to try to see his ds. More often than not he would return Saturday lunch to Scotland depressed because she wasn't in, ds had a cold, he was at a friends or dh was just a bastard and she wasn't allowing him to see him.

Dh hadn't ended the marriage, she did, she had an affair and moved with ds to London. I fell in love with dh and saw how this was tearing him apart, and that he was living in a bedsit whilst paying her £1200 per month. She was also claiming every benefit and dh had given her half the house equity, 50K. I told him he had to sort it out, get contact formalised, for his sake but more importantly for ds's sake,. He also had to sort out the money, or there was no way I was hanging around to bail him out/house him, in effect, I would be giving his ex my money. I was perfectly within my rights to say those were the conditions of our continuing relationship. And he did sort it, and it was the best thing he did, for everyone.

Your relationship started under different terms, I was nothing to do with their divorce, you were. So, a little bit of understanding must come from you. But, you are also entiteled to be able to plan for you and your child's life, and that includes contact.

Your dh must get himself organised, for all your sakes. Otherwise, you just may find yourself being another sad statistic.

@Emmy - I think you are confusing courage & confidence with morals. In my book, having the former doesn't mean you have the latter.

I know a lot of confident men who would jump in front of a bullet yet have no qualms with shagging another woman. Usually the more the better.

But I do think you should accept her hurt for a while longer.

Totally agree waterrat. Possibly a long while longer.

I've seen many situations where the betrayed wife (and oftentimes the children) is never able to truly accept the former-OW. Though interestingly I know several couples where the former betrayed spouse has then gone on to be more than happy to accept a subsequent new partner (if the original affair relationship breaks down). Rather than it being a question of jealousy over anyone with whom the ex-husband forms a relationship, it seems to simply be to do with being unable to ever quite accept the very person who was directly involved in the breakdown of a marriage.

I'm not judging, I have no reason too. At the end of the day he has risked his daughter for you and he will do whatever it takes to keep the peace. There is nothi g wrong with that.

Ok this is my last word on this subject. I have obviously mis represented myself and upset people by what looks like a gung-ho attitude to the ex's feelings- this is not the case, please believe me. I had a lot of sympathy for her in the beginning and split up with my OH twice and gave him space to work things out with her. He tried to talk to her about their relationship but she would lock herself in her room or fly next door to her mother's to avoid the conversation ( I have not just heard this from him btw).
Their relationship would probably have limped on for another few years if it wasnt for me, this is true, but her constant emasculation of him by overriding him in decisions ( including making him pay for unnecssary IVF so she could conceive- without sex)and lack of communication in most things would have led to the breakdown anyway.
I am not sorry for her, she has the child she wanted on her own terms, she has the house and all the contents next door to mummy and daddy and she controls exactly when OH is allowed to see his daughter ( who he is not allowed to clothe, wasnt allowed to name or allowed any other choices ).
he is a weak man- many of them are - I know a thing or two about men, and most of them will be unfaithful in some way given the opportunity- do not kid yourselves, they are wired differently to us.

I am not interested in getting in the middle of his relationship with his DD- I have been a single parent , and I know the other side, all I want is for HIM to give me my place. I see no issue with me sitting in the car on the pavement outside her house for 2 mins with my baby so he can drop off his. She needn't come out- believe me she is NOT hurt she is listening to others who are manipulating this situation- again I have heard this from others not just him.
So I am sorry to have caused offence and believe me all of your opinions have given me perspective on this difficult situation.
I know many of you will not get this but I have also been horribly let down in love but this time I grabbed it with both hands and I am not one bit ashamed .

lily genuinely, your last post makes me very sad for you. You seem to have absolutely no faith in men. You are wrong that most will be unfaithful given the opportunity. Yes, some men will be, as will some women, but I can assure you that there are plenty of men who don't.

It's almost that you're accepting your own relationship is likely to fail when it's only just started. Why allow yourself to be part of a doomed relationship with a weak man who will probably cheat on you (according to you) in the first place? If I really believed all men were like that I would rather be single.

On another point, your H's ex has obviously been painted as a bit of a witch, almost unbelieveably so. You say you've not just heard all this from him, but you must have heard it from people on 'his side' or you wouldn't have heard it at all!

But anyway, all that aside, his DD is the only thing that really matters in this. So if keeping out of his ex's way will smooth things for her, why not do it?

How do you know she isnt hurting? 18 months is not a long time at all.

When will you give her the respect that she deserves?

He's a man, not a chimpanzee

chickens

He's a man, not a chimpanzee
No he's not. He's a moodle.

Oh my god I am going to spend the rest of my workday on 'Urban Dictionary' - how did I not know about it until now??

How can you believe everything/anything he says? He had an affair with you, he lied to his wife. He's a liar. What makes you think that he's telling you the truth?

When my dh was having his EA I rang OW - turned out that not only was he lying to me but he was also being economical with the truth with her. If he can lie to his ex-w then he's clearly capable of doing the same to you.