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Original poster

OH being a wimp

258 replies

lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 10:01

Ok long winded boring story - but I will just give you the bones. My OH left his wife- for me, we are happy and have a wee one of our own. He usually has to go to her house to see his DD but occasionally he is allowed to take her out. I have only been with him once to drop her off - as we had been to his parents house- which is the other side of her house from ours.
When we got home he got a text from her saying he was not to bring me back to her house again ( I didn't get out of the car). I asked what his reply was- but I know he just ignored it.
It is his DD's birthday this week and he is allowed to have her on Sat- the plan was to take her to his parents for the day- but means I will be in the car when he drops her off.
I said- as a joke, shall I get out and hide behind the hedge when you drop off DD- he said , yes!
I said this was not going to happen - he accused ME of being unreasonable- so now we are not speaking and I have told hiom I am sick of him tip toeing around her- am I wrong here?
I dont want to upset her, I dont know her- but its been 18 months since he left her- how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/03/2011 11:50

i actually dont think this man is weak!!

he is scared that like so,so many.....his ex will BLOCK CONTACT to their dd and he will have to fight for a relationship with her

maybe he has seen men broken by this....i know i have

maybe he doesnt suit a Batman suit??

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 11:51

"how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?"

From his ex-wife? I think you are going to wait a long time for that.

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 11:53

How long would it take you to feel respect for a woman your partner left you for?

Try a bit of empathy.

elastamum · 16/03/2011 11:53

I think he is probably a spineless tosser who left his wife for OW and now has to face up to the consequences of his actions Hmm

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 11:54

As for 'soul mate' Hmm Words fail me....

But I am a cynical old boot. I think kindness, consideration and affection are way more important than soul-matedom.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/03/2011 11:56

ILove - of course she has done something wrong.

OP - from this woman's perspective you are the slut that stole her husband. Of course she is being as awkward as possible.

If there is such a thing as karma, then maybe one day you will be in her shoes. Think about it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/03/2011 11:58

ILove - perhaps he should have thought of all that before he had an affair and left his wife?

I have no sympathy with either the OP or her partner.

MooMooFarm · 16/03/2011 11:59

She is never going to respect you because you disrespected her so much that you pinched her husband!

Sorry but I think you are going to have to spend the next 20 years trying to keep out of her way.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 16/03/2011 12:00

It is perfectly possible that the XW is a bitch and that's why the man left her for the OP. Such things do happen.
However, I rather get the impression that the man has a weakness for women who will tell him what to do and that's why he's fannying around trying to keep both XW and OP happy - either that or he likes having them fight over him.

OP, the best advice you have had on here is to get your DP to formalise contact arrangements. I would add, try to keep your distance from the OW and if you have to see her, be polite and calm and don't get drawn in to fights, but also don't pick fights with your DP about her.

AyeRobot · 16/03/2011 12:00

I don't really understand why you think you deserve her respect. Surely the best that you can hope for is neutral in the respect stakes? And to get to that you'd have to earn it.

An ex of mine had a son with his ex wife who he had split up with years before I came on the scene and with whom he always had a fractious relationship. I never met her, always stayed in the car at pick up/drop off, never spoke to her on the phone. It was just not necessary for me to get involved. My ex's relationship with his son and with his ex simply had nothing to do with me and I concentrated on the one I had with his son. Funnily enough, I think the ex wife respected me a lot for that.

Hawklore · 16/03/2011 12:02

no need for op to be given such a hard time.....she's done nothing wrong!!!

Sorry ILT - but I just don't agree with this statement at all. Fair enough, the man in question was the one with the marriage vow to break and he needs to take the lion's share of responsibility for that. But I honestly do not understand the argument that somehow the OW has absolutely nothing to feel guilty over. Seriously? Since when is knowingly getting involved with a married man doing nothing wrong? Or am I just wired differently??

As for the rest, I totally agree with WWIFN

walesblackbird · 16/03/2011 12:04

Well he didn't put her feelings before yours when he left his wife for you. Nor, clearly, his own. So, frankly, it's about time that he stopped being so selfish and did learn to put someone else's needs before his own - his daughter's. And you need to do the same. This is between him, his ex-wife and daughter to sort out. Frankly if I were in her place then I would feel exactly the same.

My dh had an affair last year. He didn't leave, he decided to stay. But I made it perfectly clear that if he did leave then over my dead body would OW become involved in my children's lives for a loooooooooooooong time.

Niceguy2 · 16/03/2011 12:07

*i actually dont think this man is weak!!

he is scared that like so,so many.....his ex will BLOCK CONTACT to their dd and he will have to fight for a relationship with her*

Ilovetiffany I'd be inclined to agree if OP had not said that the ex used to dictate everything. And also had he have not thought that OP hiding in a bush was a valid suggestion.

A strong person would have either told OP to stay at home or sit in the car and told the exW that its none of her business where his new partner sits.

The problem is that he sounds like he's trying to please everyone and will end up pleasing noone.

squeakytoy · 16/03/2011 12:09

A considerate person would leave the OP at home, or park round the corner.

ItAlwaysPours · 16/03/2011 12:10

When I had this with my now exH, we used to park a little down the road, so that it was the best of both worlds - I was still there to say goodbye to step-daughter/mum didnt see me (although knew I was there - and to be honest after her and her partner's many death threats even when i was pregnant - was quite glad to not see her myself!) is this a practical/possible solution for you?

I second a lot of others opinions that he sounds like a weak man and you two will need to talk and get to the bottom of this fairly quickly before it becomes a major issue/item of resentment between you - especially when your child is here and the whole thing doesn't just affect you. Whether its because he wants contact or not - and you will know that better than us - certainly with my exH it was more me that pushed him when she (his ex) messed with contact rather than him mainly cos of the effect it had on my child.

MooMooFarm · 16/03/2011 12:11

OP why is it so important to you to sit in the car at all? What is wrong with keeping out of the ex's way to avoid arguments?

I can't help wondering if you feel the need to 'mark your territory' when your H goes near his ex maybe? After all, his track record isn't great is it?

talleyrand · 16/03/2011 12:11

It's an interesting one isn't it?

The way I see it this is a power struggle between the women, both trying to show who has the most power over him, who can make him jump through her hoop.. who can force him to take an action that will piss off the other one.

I am not surprised he is dodging the decision.

three adults - is any of them thinking first about the DD, and how this plays for her each visit? Perhaps him?

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 12:13

talleyrand - I agree. Why does this even have to be an issue. OP, keep away from ex's house. Is it that hard to do?

iamabadger · 16/03/2011 12:16

I wouldn't want to lay eyes on you either, maybe she is worried that she won't be able to control her emotions and end up making a scene in front of her DD? Just park around the corner, or go and have a coffee somehwere while your DH picks his child up. Much more grown up than moaning about hiding behind hedges.

emmybooboo · 16/03/2011 12:22

Respect? HA! Maybe when hell freezes over. He dosen't sound very respectful full stop, neither do you.

You only know about her, what he has told you. I doubt it's the truth.

You sound like you deserve each other, dosen't sound all rosy, then again it never is greener on the other side of the fence is it? You have to laugh.

I haven't been cheateed on either, if that's what you think.

beatrixkitto · 16/03/2011 12:22

Why don't you just stay away? It's not that hard to save her feelings is it? I think you owe her that, or is it like MOOMOO says and you are 'marking your sent' but then tbh if I were you i'd be worried too...what's that saying? Oh yes - Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Original poster
lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 12:23

thank you all for your opinions _ believe me I get the moral outrage- but sometimes its easy to judge isn't it?

You dont know the full story and I dont expect everyone to see things from my point of view, but I have bent over backwards to ensure OH sees his DD as much as possible and have not complained when he has cancelled our plans to accomodate the whims of a controlling ex.There has been a lot going on and there is no need for me to go into it all. What is happening here is control. I am not one to let anyone have control over me, and it bothers me that my OH can so easily.
We are a step family and we all will have to accept that at some time. Mistakes have been made and people hurt but we need to move on and my OH needs to man up, set up proper regular contact with his dd and when he does that I think I will relax.
My issue is entirely with him- not with her and I guess I'd better man up and go talk to him about it instead of getting a roasting from strangers who dont know me or him , or her.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 16/03/2011 12:27

The thing is....you can't make him sort it out. Well you could....but it really needs to come from him.

If he doesn't do this of his own volition then you making him won't help.

Trust me, as a step parent for many years you have to let them find their own way through this. The more you force the situation, the more you just add fuel to the fire.

MooMooFarm · 16/03/2011 12:27

But lily you don't seem to understand that his ex does still have control over him, and will do until the child they had together is an adult.

He's probably terrified that if he steps out of line with her now, he could lose contact with his daughter, or at least have it made very difficult for him to see her.

It's easy for you to say 'move on' but you're not the one left bringing up children as a single parent, are you?

If your main concern was the welfare of his D, I really think you would be happy to keep away from his ex and do your best to diffuse the situation, not flame the fire.

And btw I've not been cheated on either!

emmybooboo · 16/03/2011 12:29

You don't get it to do? Him, not taking responisbility, being controlled by whims, letting people control him, or so he says. (He is a weak man who will blame his actions on others).

ARE ALL traits of a man who can so easily have an affair and leave his family, do you not see, this is the man you have chosen, that is is character.

You need to wise up and realise this, read wwifn's post again and again.