OH being a wimp

[lilysmemo]

Ok long winded boring story - but I will just give you the bones. My OH left his wife- for me, we are happy and have a wee one of our own. He usually has to go to her house to see his DD but occasionally he is allowed to take her out. I have only been with him once to drop her off - as we had been to his parents house- which is the other side of her house from ours.
When we got home he got a text from her saying he was not to bring me back to her house again ( I didn't get out of the car). I asked what his reply was- but I know he just ignored it.
It is his DD's birthday this week and he is allowed to have her on Sat- the plan was to take her to his parents for the day- but means I will be in the car when he drops her off.
I said- as a joke, shall I get out and hide behind the hedge when you drop off DD- he said , yes!
I said this was not going to happen - he accused ME of being unreasonable- so now we are not speaking and I have told hiom I am sick of him tip toeing around her- am I wrong here?
I dont want to upset her, I dont know her- but its been 18 months since he left her- how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

Crystal - exactly that. Show some sensitivity.

OP Your original question was How long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

Answer: A long time. And in the meantime, put yourself in her shoes. And I don't think 'deserve' is the right word. It's tough being the OW who won, and people will always have an opinion. I think you just have to accept that 'winning the man' was your prize, and because he was married you forefit some respect from the people in his 'old life'.

It doesn't invalidate your relationship now or mean exisiting and future friends should judge you, but his ex and her 'allies' will never respect you no matter what the circumstances. It's just the way it is.

I have a friend who was the OW who ended up marrying the man and having three chidlren with him. I only met her as part of the couple she is and we all often forget he had a life (and daughter) before her. It took his ex a long time, but now the daughter comes to stay/goes on hols with them and it's all fairly amicable, but it took years and his ex still avoids all but necessary contact with my friend.

FWIW your OH is being a drip, but his sentiment is right.

I would imagine, given the scenario that you have outlined, that he feels guilty about the break-up (especially given that a child is involved) and therefore wants to tiptoe around her. However, surely he has as much right towards a relationship with his daughter as his ex does? Whatever the circumstances of their marriage break-up, his ex does NOT have the right to tell you whether you should be in the car or not! However, given that she is so sensitive about this, I think I would just make sure that the car was parked a bit further away, so that she doesn't see you.

I realise that many of you have been on the other side of this sorry scenario- or have friends who have-I am not a husband stealer, or a bad person. I fell in love with my soul mate.

she probably thought he was HER soul mate

but the problem I have is he always puts her feelings before mine

clearly not, he left her to be with you, so I doubt she sees it that way..

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I really think you need to back down on this. You won, you have the man. In her eyes you took this man away from his wife and daughter, and that isnt going to change. You may have been single and he chased you, but if you knew he was a married man, then unless he tied you up and forced you, you had the choice to tell him to sod off.

You dont need to "hide", he could park around the corner so that she doesnt have to see you. Have some bloody respect for her feelings.

Can you not park round the corner or further down the street so she doesn't see you? Not have you get out of the car and hide, but not have your relationship on her doorstep. That would be a reasonable compromise I would have thought.

As for "respect", not exactly earned it really have you? Certainly not from her anyway.

erm, she didn't steal anyone!!

he is an adult human, he is not an item of clothing. he had a choice in whether he entered into thsi relationship with OP, no-one made him. he ended his own marriage. OP could not have had a relationship with him without him being a willing participant.

What makes you think she will listen to him, get real.

I have to say ladies you have made me feel like a stupid selfish cow- I do appreciate you opinions I know I can be self righteous and proud.
Please understand I have no wish to "rub her nose in it" or insist that she sees me or anything like that. I just want OH to stand up to her occassionally,organise proper access to his DD and to treat me like his partner and not a guilty secret.

I think you need to take this up with him lilys.
Get some rules and structure around his access, and sort it out from there.
But you also need to accept that this might be a long process.

I second what lubeybooby says.

I would think that you hiding behind a bush, or behind anything else for that matter would be wrong, why should you! EX Wife's daughter has a step sibling by you and your DH so i think its something she has to get over, and fast. I think that EX wife thinking that you wernt there in the car (because you were hiding around the corner) is also unfair on your DH daughter, and might put her in a position where her mother is questioning her, asking her were you in the car etc when she was picked up. Its not fair on your DH child either, and she shouldnt be seeing this happening. Children are far from stupid are they. They pick everything up and it might cause problems with you all later on. As well as confusing the poor child.

Seems like the EX wife needs to put her feelings to one side for the sake of her child and let you get on with your lives and her get on with her own.

I dont think she needs to respect you though, although you said you didnt want direct contact with her anyway, which is fine i think.

I find your lack of empathy and failure to take any responsibility unsurprising, but I will make one observation:

Why on earth are you surprised that your partner is weak, lacks moral courage and resists difficult conversations?

These are precisely the traits that permitted his affair with you. You really should have known what you were getting, when you started a relationship with him. If you wanted a strong, assertive and courageous partner, someone who was willing to have an affair and deceive his wife and child, was always the wrong bet.

Well you were his guilty secret for a while weren't you? After 18 months you have a child together, so she should suck it up should she? You certainly got in there quick. He's not a wimp, he's trying to show the respect he never did while he was sneaking around with you, presumably while she was at home with their child.

I think the organising proper access with his dd is the one essential. Everything else will come naturally after that in time. If he is too scared to say anything any case she restricts access to his dd then nothing will ever change. There doesnt need to be a big confrontation about it but he does need to get that sorted.

You are getting a hard time here - try and remember that if you want to reach a particular objective, it sometimes is easier to get there by being sympathetic.

18 months isn't very long to get over a marriage break up - especially as you had a child so quickly.

I honestly dont think you should expect this woman to want you near her house - presumably she is genuinely distressed by the sight of you. You must take that into account - it's not games here, it's probably real pain.

And it's your comments criticising her involvement in the marriage breakdown that seem unkind - you have no idea what the reality of that was, you only heard his side. Remember relationships are complicated - he was the one who left, regardless of the problems.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to be recognised as a partner, but you do need to be more sympathetic.

I think you'll find that you actually back off and say 'ok, I understand this is hard, what can we do to make this work' it will actually help things.

Why not tell your partner to call her, apologise for being insensitive and ask if there is a way to make things work - ie. warn her that you will be in the car as there is no choice, but in future you will keep out of her way.

If she feels SHE is getting some respect (as a very hurt woman) then you might get some back in the end.

Hi OP. You are getting a hard time here aren't you?

Thing is, your partner is stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.

He wants to see his DD but from your previous posts, I take it in the previous relationship, she wore the pants. So he's still understandably dancing to her tune because a) it's what he's always done and b) he fears if he doesn't then he wont see his child.

Now you are unhappy because well he's reverted to type and isn't strong enough to stand up to his ex but this is the way he's always been.

The idea of asking you to hide is just frankly telling me that he's a weak man who isn't strong enough to stand up to his ex.

I tell you something. You better have a good long think about your future. Because being part of a step family is a thankless task. Even harder if your ex isn't willing to make a stand. Things will only get worse once your child is born.

The ex-wife will get even MORE resentful that he is playing happy families with his "whore" whilst she is left raising their child. (in her mind)

The first and most important rule of stepparenting is to learn when to shut up and let your ex deal with things as he feels fit. Even if you despise it. The more you bitch & moan, the more he will resent you for it.

Trust me, my ex used to bitch & moan all the time about my interactions between my kids mum and my kids. I resented it and started to hide stuff from her. In the end it all collapsed.

no need for op to be given such a hard time.....she's done nothing wrong!!!

I think people are giving the OP a hard time. She didn't "steal" anyone - her husband is an adult who chose to leave his wife.

That said - I do think, OP, that you should consider how the wife is feeling. 18 months is not all that long. Things are probably still very raw for her and I think you should keep your distance in the interests of peace and harmony.

Over time, perhaps she will come to accept you (I guess she will have to if you are her child's stepmum) but right now it would not hurt not to rub her face in things.

ILT - except perhaps in her choice of partner? WWIFN - round of applause as always.

Depends on your perspective doesn't it?

The real problem here is the lack of formal contact arrangements, and anger at being held to her whims. No one likes to be told at the last minute, or dictated to re their contact.

I have a feeling that if your partner sorts this out formally, you won't feel so got at by the ex.

She is still raw, she just doesn't want to see you, she knows you are there, but would rather not have to see it. Can you understand that? But you will feel more empowered if your dp starts to formalise contact and appears less at her mercy.

Apart from anything, his dd deserves to know there is some continuity of contact with her dad, it's not about his wishes or the ex wife's.

I would say continuing a relationship with a married man is wrong, but thats just my opinion. I have my own moral code, and someone elses husband, no matter how much they chased me, no matter how attractive they were, would be a no go.

WWIFN: I do sometimes take issue with your self-righteous tone. Given that you have written freely about your partner's affair, and the fact that you elected to remain in the relationship with him despite his infidelity.

Would you agree that your partner is: "weak, lacks moral courage and resists difficult conversations?" Because that is the tone that you take with anyone else who has broken this particular marriage vow?

You jump down anyone's throats with this huge moral crusade, yet do you not think there is a little bit of hyoocricy in what you say, given that your partner committed adultery - you have stated this repeatedly on an open forum.

It seems that there is one rule for you and another rule for everyone else.

He's her soulmate apparently

Oh dear OP. You dont have much empathy do you. You need to wise up a bit.

I doubt you will ever get any respect from the ex wife and honestly dont really see why you think you are entitled to it. Both her your H and you behaved apallingly to her and only 18 months down the live she is probably still struggling to put her life back together whilst raising your exes child alone.

The best you can do is to get your H to formalise contact arrangements and then keep your head down and dont meddle. She probably finds seeing ex painful enough, let alone the two of you playing happy families outside her front door whilst she struggles along as a LP.

As for your ex I think WWIFN's comment says it all. He obviously is a spineless wimp, but you married him!