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Original poster

OH being a wimp

258 replies

lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 10:01

Ok long winded boring story - but I will just give you the bones. My OH left his wife- for me, we are happy and have a wee one of our own. He usually has to go to her house to see his DD but occasionally he is allowed to take her out. I have only been with him once to drop her off - as we had been to his parents house- which is the other side of her house from ours.
When we got home he got a text from her saying he was not to bring me back to her house again ( I didn't get out of the car). I asked what his reply was- but I know he just ignored it.
It is his DD's birthday this week and he is allowed to have her on Sat- the plan was to take her to his parents for the day- but means I will be in the car when he drops her off.
I said- as a joke, shall I get out and hide behind the hedge when you drop off DD- he said , yes!
I said this was not going to happen - he accused ME of being unreasonable- so now we are not speaking and I have told hiom I am sick of him tip toeing around her- am I wrong here?
I dont want to upset her, I dont know her- but its been 18 months since he left her- how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 16/03/2011 15:16

I blame the shrubbery

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 15:17

nobody noticed my joke!

Hullygully · 16/03/2011 15:18

I did, Orm. A small, thin smile hovered briefly about my lips.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/03/2011 15:18

I laughed at it, Orm!

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 15:19

Oh that's OK then.

SueWhite · 16/03/2011 15:19

I think after 18 months she needs to get over. I would attempt to be sensitive, but wouldn't go out of my way.

Hullygully · 16/03/2011 15:20

Would you clamber in the shrubbery?

Hullygully · 16/03/2011 15:21

I think I'd be prepared for a quick scramble up a tree, but there might be unpleasantness in the hedge.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 15:21

CR , the Op said in her post that she should be "getting the respect that she deserves"

the problem is, the respect she is lacking is from her lily-livered booby prize

when posters post here and happen to mention that they or their current DP were married when they met, not much is said

you are wrong in this...on many occasions when men/women post about problems within a relationship (particularly about boundaries and respect) that started as an affair the default response is "well, what the hell did you expect ?"

Hullygully · 16/03/2011 15:23

I do feel that someone should address the topiary question.

Youllskimmer · 16/03/2011 15:24

The reason he's placating his ex-wife is so he can carry on seeing his daughter.

She could make contact very difficult.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 16/03/2011 15:26

Oooooooooooooooooooh I wonder if the soulmate's still fucking the ex and that's why he doesn't want to rock the boat?

cabbageroses · 16/03/2011 15:26

okay- well, respect is the wrong word.

Acceptance is what the ex should be working on.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/03/2011 15:26

I laughed too Orm, as I often do at your (and Hully's) interjections into threads like these. Grin

Hullygully · 16/03/2011 15:27

Will no one think of the bushes?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/03/2011 15:28

Dickiedavisthunderthighs so impressed that you remember the lounge lizard, bouffant-haired World of Sport presenter...

Original poster
lilysmemo · 16/03/2011 15:29

Phew you people wont let me have the last word will you?
MOO/Hully- yes I am more than happy to be parked on the street a few houses down , I am not unreasonable
Squeaky- she apparently has no problem conceiving- apart from not being willing to sleep with her husband- the "issues" were apparently with him- but as we have conceived twice in as many years that seems to be untrue
MOOMOO- I am sure she is not a psycho , but I wanted to point out that she wasnt perfect , they were both at fault in the marriage. I think she is an immature girl who shut her eyes to the mess in her relationship as she didnt know how to deal with it- but he ultimately betrayed her- all of us have light and shade in our characters.
All of you the only "respect" I am seeking is from my partner- no one else matters.
Please feel free to judge away if you feel like it- in my considerable life experience those who are first to judge have most to hide.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 16/03/2011 15:34

Look in the shrubbery. People hide a lot of stuff there.

squeakytoy · 16/03/2011 15:35

Lily, dont believe all you hear.. ever.

You have got a very one sided picture of their relationship. He, and his friends, will only tell you what they think you should and would want to hear. The truth is likely to be something very different.

The "my wife wont sleep with me" tale is quite a common one.

See, if she wasnt hurt by him leaving her and her daughter, she wouldnt have any issue with you being outside her house. She just wouldnt give a shit.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/03/2011 15:38

Ain't got nothing to hide. I tell you what I am judging if you like (and even if you don't). I judge your OH to be lying through his teeth about IVF because she wouldn't sleep with him. Doesn't matter who else you heard it from; if the XW didn't say it herself, I don't believe it. It's the biggest cliché in the book. However, it doesn't matter what I believe, as (thank God) I'm not living with any of you.

ShoutyHamster · 16/03/2011 15:41

OP, the moral of this story is - you made your hedge, and now you must hide behind it

Xales · 16/03/2011 15:43

You are getting respect from him.

You are getting the same respect he gave to his ex when he chased you, probably lied to his wife then cheated on her, his wife, the mother of his daughter and then dumped her for his 'soul mate'.

What other respect do you think this man has for women?

Hawklore · 16/03/2011 15:45

I will happily don my judgeypants too - thanks very much. They are most comfortable.

CR - You keep asserting that families and marriages split up all the time. Very true. But the circumstances of the split have a massive impact on how long it all takes to get over. I love the irony of you all accusing us of being judgemental of the OP whilst you seem happy to sit in judgement of the ex-wife for not getting over her marriage break-up quickly enough for your liking. Let's remember after all, we only have the OP's word for how this all went down and how the ex-wife has behaved in all of this. Excuse me (and others) for taking this version of events with a large pinch of salt.

Relationships break down all the time, people fall out of love, life is messy. All these statements are true. However, people can still always choose to act with moral fibre and finish one relationship before starting the next...

NewPathways · 16/03/2011 15:50

Lily.

You admit yourself 'he is a weak man'

This is your lot, this is what you signed up for. You won't have any kind of status in the eyes of most people probably ever.

On the other things, the claims by him she put him through IVF he didn't want.

God, pet but you are so gullible. Never take anyone who has left anyone else's word for what went on in the marriage.

Obviously he will paint himself as the wounded innocent. As for IVF so she could avoid sex, I can't believe you swallowed that one.

Also the fact you believe his side of everything shows me you are far from objective enough to even understand what is going on.

He wasn't allowed name/dress his daughter etc. That's HIS re-spun version of the truth. Probably the woman was discgusted having him anywhere near her, and you can't blame her.

You keep saying no-one can judge you but you arte judging the mans wife based on nothing but his fairytales. You've admitted he is a weak man. That's what you've got. The awkward world of the second family. You signed up for it so I'd advise you to get real and get on with it.

queencat · 16/03/2011 15:59

Lily

This has really hit a nerve with me. A little less than a year ago, my partner walked out on me and our three children. He had a new girlfriend almost immediately although he swears he never knew her before. I don't particularly believe this.

Over Christmas I was having a particularly hard time and he asked me show him and his new girlfriend some respect by giving them some peace as they were both mentally exhausted from dealing with me being upset.

I would like to ask his girlfriend if she knows what mentally exhausted actually means. The pain I have been in from this is unbelievable at times I have actually thought of killing myself and I have self harmed in an attempt to displace the pain to physical pain as the emotional pain is too much to bear.

I think you need to give this woman a break. You and your other half have effectively ripped this womans world apart. If she doesnt' want to see you sat outside resplendant in your pregnancy I think thats the least you can do.