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Original poster

You wait, don't you, for the man to make the first move?

313 replies

IngridBergmann · 13/03/2011 07:21

If there is a first move going to be made, that is...!

And I really don't know. how do you know? No obvious moves have been made at all.

It feels like we are very close friends and we always laugh a lot and talk a lot, but then, this is someone who has a multitude of friends and family and is very socially easy going.

He could be like this with everyone. I don't know if he is just being friendly, or actually does like me but is really, really shy of doing anything about it.

We always hug when we say goodbye and there is a kiss on the cheek but nothing else yet and it's been a few weeks.

He did offer to lend me his spirit level and so I asked if he had a big one, then we both laughed and he said 'Oh yes, enORmous!'

See I could have just kissed him right then and there but I was too scared. If he was shocked it would be awful so I couldn't risk it.

What do you DO? Do you just wait? I think I might go mad. But I will be sensible.

He's just being friendly, isn't he.

OP posts:
compo · 13/03/2011 07:23

Ask him out for a drink or meal, just the two of you
then flirt like mad

Rosedee · 13/03/2011 07:26

Well a Irish holidaymaker who came to my local years ago gave me and my friend some good advice. "just ask them out yourself" if he likes you and is too shy he'll be delighted and if he's just being friendly you can move on. We're in the noughts now! Seriously if you dot am you don't get and he may be uhmming and erring just likenyou.

Original poster
IngridBergmann · 13/03/2011 07:26

Btw my euphemism was a complete accident...I wouldn't have dared be cheeky with him like that, but I really did need a very long spirit level so I had to ask. Blush

OP posts:
Rosedee · 13/03/2011 07:27

In the noughties!

Bogeyface · 13/03/2011 07:27

Are you dating and your asking about "the other"?

Or are you hoping he will ask you out?

If the former then I would wait and see, he perhaps wants to be sure how things re going before sleeping together. If the latter then you could always ask him out! I did that with a guy I wasnt sure if he liked me and reader, I married him Wink :)

GlynisIsFixed · 13/03/2011 07:27

the only thing that comes to women who wait is wrinkles Wink

as him if he'd like to go out, theatre/party and see how it goes.

Rosedee · 13/03/2011 07:28

Dot am? Don't ask. God i cannot type today!!

Original poster
IngridBergmann · 13/03/2011 07:29

Thankyou guys

see I'm too afraid even to ask him out. We have had moments when the kids weren't around and we both just got nervous.

If he is too shy - well I think it's clear I like him as I initiate things like text messages and going round...so in a way I feel I'm doing enough iyswim? He does reply and so forth, but he might well be being polite.

I think he just sees me as a friend, one of the boys maybe as we only talk about diy.

aaarghhhh

OP posts:
Rosedee · 13/03/2011 07:32

No no no! Men are rubbish at picking up on our "signals"!! You aren't doing enough unless you ask him outright! I know it's scary but go for it!

Original poster
IngridBergmann · 13/03/2011 07:34

LOL! Smile I got that after reading it three times Rosedee, don't worry Grin

Bogeyface that is inspiring.
I did speak to his mum a lot last week as she was over for a visit and doing school pickups. She is brilliant. Felt a bit weird though as we're not actually going out! But I wanted to say I think your son is wonderful Blush

Glynis thankyou for the shove Grin

The thing is if I do ask him, or madly grab him and snog him, and he WAS just being friendly he will freak out and it'll be horribly embarrassing and I'll never be able to be his friend again. And I cannot lose him, I just can't, I love really care about him.

I doubt he feels the same as I'm not exactly beautiful and haven't got a job or anything. There's nothing 'fanciable' about me whereas he is brilliant at everything. WHY is he single? I don't understand it.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/03/2011 07:36

Men dont get hints or signals. If you arranged a neon sign outside his bedroom window saying "By the way, I like you and you like to get down and dirty with you sometime soon please, Big Boy" then maybe, jussssst maybe he might think "hmm, she might fancy me a bit" :o

Chil1234 · 13/03/2011 07:36

It's not enough. IME hints rarely get you anywhere. With some men you have to be quite direct, blunt even, because they're also sitting at home thinking 'does she only like me for my ratchet set?' and they're rubbish at picking up signals.. The next text message has to be an unequivocal.. 'would you like to go out with me for dinner then or what?'... no ambiguity whatsoever. If the answer is 'no' then, yes, he's only interested in your fretsaw.

GlynisIsFixed · 13/03/2011 07:37

no, no, no. sits Ingrid down for lessons Confused

ask him out on a 'mates' date, and see how THAT goes Wink

tell him you'd love to go see a band/film/show whatever but would like some company.......it's a date with no strings, unless something develops

*sits next to Bogeyface to compare notes on asking men out Grin

Bogeyface · 13/03/2011 07:38

Can you not just say that you are at a lose end sometimes and would he fancy a drink? If you make it sound friendly and light hearted then there is no pressure, and then you can guage from how he is when you are out as to whether he likes you or not :)

mycatoscar · 13/03/2011 07:39

Ingrid, have a bit of belief in yourself - I'm sure you're lovely. He obviously enjoys your company from what you've said.

You dont have to grab him and madly snog him or anything, just ask if he'd like to come out for a drink or to see a film or something without the kids. You wont be ruining any friendship, you'll just be suggesting some kid free time together, then you can just see what happens.

Bogeyface · 13/03/2011 07:39

I think we both agree there Glynis! :o

Rosedee · 13/03/2011 07:41

Ok enough with the putting yourself down! If he doesn't fancy you it might be awkward for a while but there's no reason why you shouldn't still be friends. And at least you'll know. Which is better than the torture we put ourselves through wondering does he likeme or not. Trust me.

LostInTransmogrification · 13/03/2011 07:42

Ask him out to the pub (or a meal at yours) to thank him for the use of his spirit level, and then flirt madly!

Bogeyface · 13/03/2011 07:42

It isnt that inspiring, he is currently upstairs farting and sleeping off the hangover he claims to not have Wink Men are men after all :o

Oh and I might have accidentally slept with him sooner than I would normally have done, that might have had something to do with his eagerness to see me again......Blush

Original poster
IngridBergmann · 13/03/2011 07:44

Okay I am starting to get the idea.

The thing is we live right by each other (few minutes walk) so there has been lots of sitting arounf talking when the kids are about, and he is really busy with work and I don't think he would have any time for an evening - and I don't have an evening babysitter at all. So the only time I have is 3 mornings a week when the kids are at preschool and school.

I did call round on his day off but he was working from home and not dressed, so I scarpered, and apologised by text, he was really nice about it.

It's all too confusing, I think I'll just wait a bit longer and see...he did initiate the first hug/kiss so he has it in him to be brave. And yesterday's hug was proper job. I think very slow progress will continue to be made if I wait.

I was resisting temptation to text last night in a slightly naughty manner, maybe we both need to be sure before we go there.

Thankyou girls. I feel better having told you lot about it, anyway Smile

OP posts:
tiredandgrumpy · 13/03/2011 07:48

Years ago I was in a similar position. I plucked up courage and asked him out for something that I felt he could take either way (it was a works do and several of our friends were there). Well, it broke the ice and we've been together for 18 years now. I asked him why he held back from asking me and he said he wanted to, but just wasn't sure about my response. I'd not been giving off signals, even though I'd thought I was blatantly obvious. So, yes, you do have to make the first move! Good luck and enjoy.

Bogeyface · 13/03/2011 07:49

Ok. how's this?

"It would be nice to be able to chat without the kids running around wouldnt it? shall we have a coffee somewhere when they are at school one day?"

And see what he says. There is no law that you have to go out with someone in the evening :)

JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 13/03/2011 07:50

forgive me if I have the wrong poster but Ingrid, is this the guy from the social the other month where everyone else in the room "disappeared" and he said come round anytime?

Original poster
IngridBergmann · 13/03/2011 07:54

YES that's him. Why do you ask...it's because this has been rumbling on for ages, isn't it? Toooo long, so he would have done something by now?

Oh dear.
He's still just as beautiful as that day in fact more so all the time.

T&G, maybe you're right, maybe he is just unsure. I need to flirt a bit more. I touched his arm yesterday as well. I'm trying.

Bogey that sounds really good. I could say 'why don't I come round without the kids and help you with your kitchen units'.

If I can work out when his next day off is.

Thankyou I think I have a plan!

OP posts:
Original poster
IngridBergmann · 13/03/2011 07:58

Also Tired, the other parents at school know I like him so it's a matter of time before someone says something, perhaps, and he gets the idea...we see each other at parties and stuff quite a lot.

In a sense I am scared to take it further, because I LOVE the way it is now - I love feeling like his buddy, and talking and talking, with no pressure or fear of it going wrong. It's just lovely. I had a major crush on someone for about a year and never said as he was married, I just acted like his friend, and we still are and the crush has gorn. So that was alright. But this one is single!

I might just end up as his friend and that would still be wonderful. If a bit frustrating.

I wonder why hs isn't with anyone. Maybe he doesn't want the pressure either.

OP posts: