You wait, don't you, for the man to make the first move?

[IngridBergmann]

If there is a first move going to be made, that is...!

And I really don't know. how do you know? No obvious moves have been made at all.

It feels like we are very close friends and we always laugh a lot and talk a lot, but then, this is someone who has a multitude of friends and family and is very socially easy going.

He could be like this with everyone. I don't know if he is just being friendly, or actually does like me but is really, really shy of doing anything about it.

We always hug when we say goodbye and there is a kiss on the cheek but nothing else yet and it's been a few weeks.

He did offer to lend me his spirit level and so I asked if he had a big one, then we both laughed and he said 'Oh yes, enORmous!'

See I could have just kissed him right then and there but I was too scared. If he was shocked it would be awful so I couldn't risk it.

What do you DO? Do you just wait? I think I might go mad. But I will be sensible.

He's just being friendly, isn't he.

Ingrid, I feel your frustration! I've been going through the same "will he won't he" about a guy I really like (he walked past me one morning at the school months ago and we just looked at each other for the longest time) ever since then I've had the worst crush ever.....anyway, he spoke to me the other day and my brain forgot to work and I just stood there grinning at him like a loon....couldn't even say anything but "hi".

By the sounds of things, you are doing way better than me at this lark ....I even sent this guy a message on facebook apologising for not being able to talk, and giving him my number but I've not heard anything. I feel calmer because I'm sure I've put him off me for life, so at least I can stop wondering!! I feel like a teenager, it's ridiculous.

Keep us posted and sorry for the hijack.

next time you see him try steering the conversation round to romantic gestures - tell him that you think it's really romantic when you see scenes on the telly / movies when the man just kisses the girl when she doesn't expect it - plant the seed in his head and if he likes you then it will grow.

patience is a virtue.

Oh golly, self sabotage, so familiar!!

It's less painful to know they think you're a complete eejit, isn't it - that way you can stay safe from the enormity of falling in love and not being sure of anything that's happening.

Love includes another person which is why it's so frightening to me, I think. The number of times I have done what you describe is innumerable! Sorry it went wrong for you. I'm trying desperately not to trip myself up this time. But it is very hard not to do something.

tinkgirl

Thankyou, I will try to remember that!

Ingrid, I think you've hit the nail on the head with the self sabotage thing....yep. Sheer terror at the though that I could get mixed up in all this relationship stuff again It's comforting in a way to know that I am capable of "feeling" something for someone else again though.

I'm sure that if you are ready for something to happen with this guy then it will happen....fingers and toes crossed for you.

thankyou so much...and I really do understand where you are coming from, it is totally terrifying isn't it! Once one of you says those words, things change - at the moment, I am really happy apart from the fact I don't see him nearly enough, just maybe once or twice a week.
I'm not sure what my expectations are, of someone I'm officially 'with', and what his would be of me, but I know we're both happy when we're together, at the moment.

He is a very friendly person and is happy talking to anyone, has tons of friends, and I'm still not sure where I am on his radar - perhaps just another friend.

There's things he does that are so lovely like when I was getting ds out of the car, he held my handbag for me, and it's almost as though we could be seen to be a couple, from the outside - sharing a car, sharing the children. The guy who came round to give me a quote last night shook hands with him and thought we were married! So it's all kind of there without either one of us actually having declared our intentions. It's really weird. But nice

Right, I'm poking my nose in at this point and saying that you've got to ask him out!! He likes you, I'm SURE, from all the things you've described. Just ask him if he fancies a coffee, without the others. Or if you need some Dutch courage, ask if he fancies a proper drink without the others sometime. Just say it casually, you'll know from his response how he feels (as if you even need to check by the way!! It's obvious!!). If, for some crazy reason, it's a no and you don't think he's that keen on you, it's totally fine - no loss of face because asking if he fancied a drink without the others isn't the same as saying you love him! Totally recoverable from, if you see what I mean. So usual business could be resumed and you haven't lost anything (apart from you feeling a but embarrassed. He won't know any different).

DO IT TODAY! Text him!! And report back asap.

oh it sounds lovely - you obviously both enjoy each others' company and it sounds as though you are already really comfortable with each other.

I so know what you mean about wanting to know one way or the other.....but not wanting to potentially spoil the easy going friendship.

Here's a thought: I wouldn't ask him out by text at all, since maybe he doesn't check his phone very often...that way madness lies! If you have the patience for it (I don't but that's just me!) you could try the subtle reeling him in approach, touching his arm more often when you speak, holding his gaze for longer than usual, that kind of thing, try that for a few days and see if he "gets" the hint?

Haha listen to me, giving relationship advice

And yes, terrifying it is, but in all honesty it doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about :) You have the basics right there already!

i just asked the guy 'so, when you taking me out for drinks then'

and i said to my husband on the night we met ( i may have been a little drunk)- 'MrMinimuffy, i really fancy you, so how about it?'.

just go for it!

DO IT!

DOOOOOOOOOO IT!

NOW!

No though I admire your courage!! I've done enough for the time being. If he actually did want to ask me out, he now has all he needs in terms of evidence that I would probably say yes, or definitely be flattered at any rate.

I wondered about what's taking him so long, and I think, possibly, seeing as he is SUCH a wonderfully nice and balanced and sensibe bloke, that he is taking his time to get to know me, so that if'when something does start, we both are in a better position to judge that it will work. We both have children and so it's the only sensible option...he's got far more patience than I have though. But that's got me into the situation I'm in now ( two children by highly unsuitable fathers ) because I didn't make sure I knew people well enough before getting totally carried away.

So it's GOOD if he is taking ages. Upshot might be that we never get to have reckless sex with someone we don't entirely know, and never have a proper relationship either because we're too different, but on the other hand, our children will be protected from any further nonsense (especially on my part) and it'll be better all round if it does work out.

I just have to find a way to rein in my hormones and stop getting worked up. He's perfect - sensible, clever, knows what he is doing and I must respect that.

If I'd waited for him
I'd still be a virgin

I would tell him you may have a possible date next week and see what his reaction is. If he goes like this you will know that he likes you.

If he says have a great time you will have your answer.

Oh I can't. I can't mess with his head, though it is tempting to try and ramp it up a bit for my own sanity.

I just sat in my room just now while I was writing about him, and cried from the sheer pain of loving/wanting him so much. I know he is capable of being everything I admire, he's the real thing and I don't want to get it wrong.

I have to confess, I did send him a coded message on an egg box, though. I expect he won't respond to it, but if he mentions it I'll know

Egg box SMS is the new semaphore.

Thankyou all for listening and suggesting things.

1. Definitely do not tell him you love him. It will freak him out.
2. I am sure you know it was stupid and illegal driving with a kid on his lap and won't do it again. No one died from getting wet.
3. Next time you are due to meet him, dress up a bit more .

1. Thankyou, I won't. Tempting as it is, I will keep your words pinned on a post it note in my brain

1. Yes, it was a bit less safe than the usual but in fact having an adult seatbelt on with a child on your lap is the next safest option to a car seat for said child. It surprised me when I found that out.

I did tell him that we will need to buy the long wheel base discovery we had been talking about earlier, if he wants a lift again

1. I dressed up last week. It had no noticeable impact on him though everyone else said how nice I looked. He stares more when I wear scruffy jeans and am covered in cement dust

God almighty, I am feeling impatient on your behalf

What on earth is eggbox?

Cover yourself from head to toe in cement dust and get your arse round to his house with a bottle of wine and a twinkle in your eye....

Jeans and cement dust! Man who likes you as you are! (and he obviously likes you IMO)

LOL it's a box with eggs in it

We give eggs to them, and to other people. It is a brilliant way to get little messages to folk.

I even did a smiley face on one of the eggs.

He must think I am a sandwich short of a picnic. I'm really dusty now as have been plastering a wall. But I can't push it when I haven't even had a reply to that text. So he'll have to wait.

Oh thank god, I was thinking it must be some new app on Facebook or something

Couldn't you go over there and ask to borrow an egg, all covered in dust, he'll open the egg box and read your message and be overcome with lust, take you in his arms and kiss you passionately before you both ride off into the sunset in your new discovery....

It probably is some weirdy app for something or other! I'm a bit of a luddite so I wouldn't know. For us it is just a boring old box of eggs.

I will update on that, if anyone is still awake after a few days of inaction have passed

Btw I'm not sure he is the type to be overcome with lust. I can't quite imagine it.

You never know!

Don't tell him you've got a date either. If he's shy he'll probably take that as a hint you're not interested in him at all and he had better give up all hope now.

I think waiting is good with hints! And possibly alcohol

Ingrid, please calm down. Stop working yourself into a state and just ask him to go for a drink with you.

I have on soooo many occasions fallen in love with someone, been too shy to make that clear until I had wound myself up to a mad pitch of unrequited adoration and then been too over-invested to be able to start a relationship normally. He sounds like a lovely guy, and I worry that if you're doing the same then it may all come to nothing.

Just go out with him and get drunk together, then tell him you fancy him. Men are good at compartmentalising, so if it turns out he doesn't fancy you (I think he probably does) he'll most likely be perfectly happy to carry on being friends. And if he does fancy you back then wahey.

Thankyou...I see what you're getting at. It does feel like I'm making it all up as I go along and he might be totally unaware anything's going on in my little brain.

which means if he did turn out to like me now, it'd just about be Ok but if I carry on much longer it will be harder - and if he doesn't, I wonder if I could still be friends at this stage.

OTOH I am scared of losing the possibility, and if he says no then it's all gone

I can't go and get drunk - I have no babysitter, and I don't handle drink very well or enjoy drinking, so I would make a complete cock up of it if I did that.

Coffee might be my best chance. Next week I'll suggest we come back to mine instead of having it at the other place with everyone else, and see what he says. thankyou for being so kind.

"OTOH I am scared of losing the possibility, and if he says no then it's all gone"

It depends what you really want. Do you want a relationship? If you (consciously or unconsciously) don't, it makes sense to hang on to the possibility of one, and avoid finding out in actuality have for fear of losing that lovely enticing possibility.

Or if you do want a relationship, are you willing to risk losing all the nice feelings that come with having a yummy secret love, in the interests of (maybe) gaining a mutual actual love?

Sorry, it's a bit early on a Sunday for getting all philosophical, but having spent years myself wondering why I was always single, while substituting yummy secret unrequited (risk free) love for mutual actual (risk of being rejected) relationships I'd hate to see someone else doing the same.