You wait, don't you, for the man to make the first move?

[IngridBergmann]

If there is a first move going to be made, that is...!

And I really don't know. how do you know? No obvious moves have been made at all.

It feels like we are very close friends and we always laugh a lot and talk a lot, but then, this is someone who has a multitude of friends and family and is very socially easy going.

He could be like this with everyone. I don't know if he is just being friendly, or actually does like me but is really, really shy of doing anything about it.

We always hug when we say goodbye and there is a kiss on the cheek but nothing else yet and it's been a few weeks.

He did offer to lend me his spirit level and so I asked if he had a big one, then we both laughed and he said 'Oh yes, enORmous!'

See I could have just kissed him right then and there but I was too scared. If he was shocked it would be awful so I couldn't risk it.

What do you DO? Do you just wait? I think I might go mad. But I will be sensible.

He's just being friendly, isn't he.

I've been in a similar boat a couple of times.. Many moons ago now.. And I totally get you and even the reluctance to end this lovely waiting game.

If he really is as lovely as he sounds, even if he's not into you (which he is.. ) everything will be fine..

Yes, he is...thankyou. I hope so.

The thing is, if I do ask - and he says yes - what then? I don't know what you're supposed to do.

It sounds stupid but I've not had a healthy relationship for a long time - if ever - pre kids, I only really went out with one person and he was great, but I was very insecure and couldn't believe he loved me. We lasted a few years.

Then I met ds's father and he was only available for sex, really, and all we ever did was sit in pubs and shag. Since ds was born I've tried dating a few men (hoping to find a father for ds, sadly enough) and none of them was very nice.

So I'm a bit of an old girl and I just don't know what you're meant to do with someone when you're 'with' them, because my experience is so limited.

I don't fancy being wined and dined or anything like that, I like just doing stupid stuff like DIY and gardening - talking, as well, and just easy things. I don't want a big fuss. I just want to be around him and doing the stuff we normally do, but with him there or in the background at least. And being able to kiss him and stuff, obviously!

Does that even sound workable? Or do we have to do the whole 'out for dinner' and proper dates and so on.

You're so honest.. It's refreshing..
I obviously don't know either of you but it sounds like you could have a lovely time doing all those things you say.. BUT.. You know you have huge trust issues, don't you? You say you don't need to be wined and dined, but you are probably just a bit afraid to try.

Having dinner and a big long chat over a nice meal with somebody you love is wonderful.. Let it happen too!!

And be careful that you will need to build a relationship with him as a partner, not only the two of you and the kids..

Thankyou.

Yes very scared to try! I'm just winging it. With expert guidance from you lot of course! x

Oh my life, I can't bear it

please oh please give us something to go on soooooooooooonnnnnnn!!

Not posted on here before, but read with interest.

Ingrid you sound lovely.

Just wanted to give you some encouragement and a kick up the bum to just sit down with him and be honest about how you feel - ok, i dont mean tell him you are crazily in love with him and could rip his clothes off right there!!
But it sounds as if he likes you, anyway.

I am expecting big news from you tomorrow.

Sorry MsShapely! I know it must be really irritating, I'm driving myself bonkers about it so Gawd knows how bad it is for you!

PA, how lovely to see you and how are you now? Last time I remember seeing you, you'd just had your op. I hope all is still good

I did just sit down and I wrote a letter about how I feel - but I shan't give it him, because it's a bit heavy. I hope he is doing Ok today and not thinking 'WTF sort of woman invites a bloke over at half ten? He might have thought I was expecting something serious to happen, but I wasn't, he just had some news and I wanted to make sure he was Ok, if he needed to talk about it etc. I wouldn't have jumped him.

I think he's quite shy really. Hope to see him tomorrow but it'll likely be in passing so I don't know if we'll talk about anything. If I can get a kiss though or at least a casual sort of hug, I'll take it

What's his history? Where is his former partner? Is he divorced?

Yes, for several years but extremely amicably. I am friends with them both, it's all Ok.

Hi Ingrid, You have made my morning. I am officially no longer a nobody on MN! Yay go me!!!! Someone recognises me !!!

I am fine now thanks, back at work and as normal as I am ever likely to be!! - what's "normal" - I dont think I have ever been normal.

Keep us posted, won't you. I am off to look on the hat websites..........

LOL of course I remember you Was really worried about you for a while! I'm really glad things are back to normal.

Well this morning was WELL nerve racking, I got up about half five and couldn't relax. We got to school and I stood around staring at the bit where he comes in, ready to do my 'no pressure' avoidance thing

Anyway he turns up looking beautiful in his work gear and ds2 wanted to go and talk to his dd, so I sort of pointed ds2 in the right direction and went to try and find ds1 who is a bit poorly still (first day back)

As I turned round I saw him looking at me and he gave me the warmest loveliest smile, just shy and sweet and lovely. So I smiled back of course. Then it was all a bit of a crowded rush and we lost each other but as we were going, he walked past behind me, towards the other way out, and he actually called out to me 'I'll catch up with you later Ingrid' so I turned and went to him, and asked if he was Ok and he said yes, he'd see me later, he had to run for work.
It was really nice, we're obviously Ok after the other night's faffing about, which is great. Don't know when we'll get to talk properly but should see him tonight for a minute or two anyway. The sun is up and the sky is blue and he's beautiful. Now I have to go and get a radiator off.

You and your DIY.. All Mills and Boon, eh?

You are welcome to share the stress!!! Vicarious 'will he won't he', you'd think it'd be fun but it's agonising I expect!

IB - can I PM you please?

Always happy to get PMs

how are things going today?

I missed out on a man i really liked a few years ago, he was keen on me but i didnt make a move and then he moved and we aren't in touch any more. Often think fondly of him.

Thanks for asking...nothing since this morning but then he's been at work all day!

Hopefully might speak later or something...we both have the kids so are stranded at respective ends of street! But feeling generally positive about it all..

I promise to say if anything exciting happens! I really love having this thread to come to, there's no one IRL to tell so it stops me getting over-silly and annoying ds1 by singing and stuff

Lottie, I'm sorry you missed the chance...is there any way you could find him? Facebook etc? It's so sad when that happens.

I found myself thinking about you last night while listening to some terrible 80s power ballad about someone too shy to confess their feelings.

I worry a bit that this thread isn't helping. As in, it's another deflection from being calm and direct about how you feel.

Here's a story from my past. A few years ago, I fell very in love with a Nice Man. He was in NYC, I was in London, I went over for a work thing and met him through that. We snogged, but I didn't say anything much the next day and neither did he. I wished I had, but I was too shy and it never seemed to be the right moment.

We emailed back and forth for ages, and I got more and more besotted/convinced he was The One For Me. Then I went over for work again; I wanted to spend some time with him, and he felt the same, but he was seeing someone else. Then he came to stay with me, and Things Happened. I was over the moon. This Was It. But I never told him exactly how overexcited I was, and things kind of fizzled out again. Meanwhile I was talking to my (then) therapist about the whole thing, and she was encouraging me to be honest, and to go for it. I emailed, trying to explain my feelings. I got an email that seemed full of affection, though in retrospect it was quite ambiguous. I arranged to go and see him in NYC; I went; was sooo excited; but when I got there it was clear that he didn't want anything from me.

I was gutted, obviously. I was angry with him for having strung me along, angry with myself for not having been honest when it would have mattered, and angry with my therapist for having - as it was clear with hindsight - colluded with me in a relationship that had mostly happened in my head, rather than calling me on my overexcited idealisation of a relationship that had never been tested against reality. It ended up trashing the therapeutic relationship as well. I still feel bad about everything that happened. But the point is that I think there was a moment when it might have gone differently, where I could have been honest about my feelings before they got so huge as to seem a bit bonkers, if I hadn't been too untrusting of my own attractiveness and frightened of rejection to say 'Actually that was really special and I really fancy you'.

I'm writing this down not because I assume that what's happening here is exactly the same. But you seem as though you share some characteristics with me. From the sound of all your DIY-ing and other stuff you've mentioned you're capable, down to earth, obviously very kind and affectionate but don't really rate your feminine powers. (I don't rate mine much, perhaps I'm projecting but things you've said suggest that). That combination has often (as in the story I just told) led me to fall into a 'just friends' thing with men where in fact there was loads of sexual tension and they were quite up for it but because I was so shy I didn't go for it, and hence kind of missed the moment. And then afterwards felt as though it proved the point that I wasn't desirable.

I dunno. I think I'm just saying it sounds as though there is sexual tension right now. I think BeenBeta had it right. Please don't miss the moment.

Ingrid..Listen to this lady.. She is wise..

IB..... He has a new partner and a baby, he's on FB but won't accept my friend request. Almost like i am part of his past. We had so much in common, a love of old films being one. The first time i met him was whilst my husband was alive so of course it was just a friendship. He then reappeared a few years ago just before my dad died and we met with friends in the pub for drinks. One NYE he was in the village but i was with my mum so couldnt join him. He texted me when drunk and asked if i was awake. He spent the whole of NYD afternoon with my ds and I. He came and visited a few times. Then he asked me out on a date but the afternoon of the date he turned up at the house and said his Mum was ill and he had to go home. He texted me for a few months then stopped. A friend of mine found out he was working in a theatre in the West End and went to see him. He didnt ask about me, then i saw on his FB (still comes up on my news feed as he is a requested friend) that he had a partner and a baby. I'm very sad thinking back on what could have been.

Oh Lottie

Lottie, that's such a shame. It's awful when someone from the past won't accept a request to be friends...I've had that happen, too, and we never even got close to going out - he just seemed not to get in touch again, though the last time I'd seen him he had been single and seemed friendly.

Worse for you as you were so very close. I'm sorry

Manatee, thankyou for sharing your story. I can see how confusing that situation must have been and how upsetting. It soounds as though you were maybe playing out some kind of thing, I dunno, like a story you had in your mind that dictated what ought to happen? I think I'm probably doing that too. But I'm trying to be aware of it (lots of therapy!!) and counter it with common sense etc/

I feel alright about things at the moment. My main issue isn't not being feminine really but having done some things in the past that I'm not proud of, and being afraid that once I tell him those things he will reject me and I'll have to deal with the grief of being rejected by someone I really respect and treasure. I don't think he has any sort of skeleton in his closet, though you never know of course and I feel roughly OK as a person now but in the past I have acted wrongly and am convinced he will hate me for all the stuff I've done before...I've not killed anyone or anything, but things I just wouldn't do any more. And I'm not very attractive, and so on and so forth.

I sometimes just sit and write for ages about how he could never, ever really love someone like me, and try and get over the pain, before I've even got to know him properly or he's had the chance to say go away.

But things seem good at the moment, in the here and now, without all the baggage. I don't know how realistic it is to imagine they could stay good. But we are different now; this morning, when he spoke to me, it was not like he speaks to everyone else - it seemed more intimate, he needed to talk to me, not just being sociable. Like a best friend would iykwim...he also smiles at everyone else when he talks and is very affable, but he wasn't smiling at me after the initial greeting, he was serious and actually looking at me and I've never heard him call after someone before - he's really shy.

So i feel close to him. I hope he feels the same. I think there is something.