Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:
annh · 28/02/2011 10:41

What did he say about the underwear wrapping? Is is male or female?

thenightsky · 28/02/2011 10:41

Oh dear. It doesn't sound good. Sad But could the underwear wrapping be new kecks for himself?

Northernlurker · 28/02/2011 10:44

Well that condom is newly purchased isn't it?
Do you want to know? If he said 'yes I'm having an affair' - what would you do?

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:44

I only asked about the condom, hadn't found the paper by then, I've texted him a question about the paper. The paper is black tissue with a golden buterfly sticker on it. So maybe either (small smile), but unliklely to be new ones for him.

I've always thought if he got into a relationship with someone else he'd get all vain and lose the bit of extra from around his middle. But no change there.

Would you push the questions?

OP posts:
LoisSanger · 28/02/2011 10:47

Yes, you need to push the questions.

Sorry about this but it doesn't sound great Sad.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 10:47

I think you need to sit down and talk to him.

Follow your gut instinct. You need to know, not bury your head in the sand.

If he is/has cheated, then you need to consider all of your options but until you know, you can't really act.

Talk to him and go from there, don't over think it at this stage, until you know more.

There's always someone here to help.

bodencustomer · 28/02/2011 10:48

Do you really think that the best way to raise and discuss these issues is by telephone and text? It sounds serious to me.

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 10:50

agree with mouse. trust your instinct. you know him. you will know if he is lying. the condom is new if the date is 2015. the underwear wrapper, sounds like wrapping for ladies underwear. has he given you anything new recently?

MackerelOfFact · 28/02/2011 10:50

I think the shelf life for condoms is about 4-5 years, so seems like it was purchased recently.

There is always the, erm, 'novelty w*nk' possibility. Or perhaps they're just genuinely not his. Unlikely, I know, but it would be monumentally stupid to dispose of wrappers in an overnight bag rather than a bin if you're conducting an affair.

Hope you get the answers you need.

Zondra · 28/02/2011 10:51

I know you want to be told he hasn't cheated but,he has.
Sorry to be harsh. :(

Tell him to get home now for a very long talk.

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 10:52

dont be afriad to tell him you need space to think. don't make him rush you into deciding anything.

GastonTheLadybird · 28/02/2011 10:52

This doesn't sound good.

Can you check bank statements for purchases or large cash withdrawals when he is away on business? Check phone bill? Emails/texts?

Agree that this is no conversation to be had by phone or text, it gives him too much time to lie and make things up.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:53

bodencustomer - I agree, but I can't sit on it and to be honest, when is a good time/ way to do these things? And, I hoped it wasn't serious; I wanted him to give me a good reason (e.g. he had thrush so bought condoms for us ...) but instead of a quick laugh at my daft ideas I just got a very quiet and rubbish excuse. Gutting.

You're all quite right. I'm going to have to talk with him. He can go very quiet in challenging conversations, so at least he's now primed.
thanks

OP posts:
Hassled · 28/02/2011 10:56

Poor you - what a complete nightmare.

He will probably come up with a plausible explanation. He'll have had time to work one out. And you can swallow it if you don't have the fight in you to pursue things right now, which would be fair enough, but if you want to know the truth then the more back-up information you can gather together the better. So yes - if you can look at phone bills etc that would be useful.

lint · 28/02/2011 10:58

Doesn't sound good I'm afraid.

I too wouldn't do anything by phone or text. You need to be able to see him when you ask questions. Perhaps you could plan to have the house to yourself or find domething for the children to do, when he comes in from work and ask him what's going on? You're going to need a lot of reassurance I think.

MooMooFarm · 28/02/2011 10:59

Sorry but this does sound bad. And I would suggest it's way too serious an issue to be discussed over the phone and in texts.

I would tell him he needs to come home now to talk about it.

WhoAteMyCrisps · 28/02/2011 11:02

I would be suspicious TBH. Is the bag in regular use?

What concerns me is that a condom has a shelf life of 3-4 years, and as you haven't used one in over six years is ringing alarm bells for me.

Also agree that the wrapper sound like womans underwear

It's hard to judge peoples reactions over the phone.
You need to watch his body language. Can you tell whn he is lying?

When is he next home?
But of course there maybe a perfectly innocent explanation, but it's not looking good.

Sunflower38 · 28/02/2011 11:05

OP, what a horrible shock, i've nothing to say, just stay strong x

emmyloopsyloo · 28/02/2011 11:09

Condoms have a shelf life as you have been told of 4-5 years.

Example, last time me and DH used condoms Aug 2006. I just found behind a drawer when we moved, one of these stash Blush expiry 2010 so it's a new condom.

So straight off he's lied to you and a shit excuse at that, so why?

Either it was a posh wank and he has a fetish for womans underwear, or he has cheated. I couldn't do this by text, I'd have him home now.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 11:09

He'll be home around 11 tonight.

He's totally transparent. A terrible liar. Even on the phone I could tell he was really thrown. He's a sweet man of great integrity and great sex drive. I've been post natal and never really regained my sexuality. I reckon I've just driven him off (sexually) to someone else.

I'll talk to him tonight.
thanks

OP posts:
Mouseface · 28/02/2011 11:09

OP

Try and stay calm when you talk to him. Keep it really simple.

Watch his face and his body language. Watch his eyes.

You know him, we don't. Take your time and sit with him, next to him even.

You don't want to be seen to be attcking him, he'll just clam up. He has to let you have your say but if I were you, I'd ask a question and then wait until he answers you before you carry on.

Hard to do but.

The chances are that you won't get the whole truth when you first talk. He may give you the basics if there has been something going on, and perhaps, over time, he'll tell you it all.

If he has been unfaithful, he hasn't really thought about what he was doing, otherwise he would've hidden the evidence far better than stuffing it in his bag.

Maybe it was a one off? Maybe it wasn't.

Don't let him control the situation.

He'll most likely try to make you think it's you or that you're imagining it. He'll be gutted that he's been caought. Assuming there is something to be caught for.

Just take your time. This is your life and your marriage here, not ours.

Good luck x

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 11:11

'Driven him off' Shock

No, no, no. Please don't let become the excuse for his actions if he's cheated.

NO.

This is not you, this is him. You've not been unfaithful, he has (apparently).

Don't let him make this about you, this is about him.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 11:12

let 'that'

Northernlurker · 28/02/2011 11:14

Bollocks is it your fault!

Most women go off sex a bit after babies. A lot of men have high sex drives.
BUT
Not all men (or women) cheat It's not your fault. It's his choice.

GastonTheLadybird · 28/02/2011 11:15

Oh please don't blame yourself OP, he is the one who decided to deal with it by fucking someone else, instead of talking to his wife. It is NOT all your fault, you can't go into this with that mindset.

He promised to be faithful to you, for better or worse, he is at fault here.

That's not to say that you won't need to out in a huge amount of effort together to come out the other side of this if that is what you want.