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Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:
Mouseface · 28/02/2011 15:36

'he sounds like a decent bloke underneath'

Are you on the right thread hymie?

hymie · 28/02/2011 15:38

" PeterAndreForPM Mon 28-Feb-11 15:16:47
underneath what hymie ? "

Underneath whatever problems he's having at the moment.

People don't turn 'bad' overnight....it could be as he claims to or perhaps he had arranged a liason, carried it out but had a spare left over, who knows. What is important is what the OP wants, and to some she might seem foolhardy but to others she'll come across as rational. 17 years is a long time to throw away if behind it all is something that can be resolved to both parties satisfaction.

I think she is to be admired for not throwing her toys and his clothes out of the pram on impulse and is trying to be rational about it. She seems fully aware of the pitfalls.

As I said before, I truly hope she can work through this, she comes across as a very intelligent thoughtful woman.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 15:39

hymie - would you call a man who has told his wife that he planned to have intercourse with another woman 'decent'?

Really?

hymie · 28/02/2011 15:41

Yeah, I would in some circumstances, but then again its not my place to judge, thats the sole right of the OP.

Judgement is not the same thing as advice.

LadyBiscuit · 28/02/2011 15:42

At what point do you throw it all away though hymie? Her husband tried to cheat on her but failed is the story he's telling her. That's no different to actually being unfaithful in my book. And the fact there is only one condom means that two have gone elsewhere. Which means he's gone through with it before in all likelihood.

Yes, marriages can survive affairs but only if the unfaithful partner is honest. This bloke is lying through his teeth.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 15:45

hymie - would you in this instance? Looking at what he has told the OP, would you say that this guy is a decent chap who loves and respects his wife?

maltesers · 28/02/2011 15:50

Its not your fault. You have every right to lose your sex drive when having children. I did. It takes time tpo get it back. You have done nothing wrong. He has.
Wishing you the best of luck
Stay strong
and get to the truth about it all.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2011 15:55

Wondering what you mean by the term 'meaningless shag'?

You have put up with 6 months of bad sex and are blaming yourself for that, and feeling sorry for a man who planned a tryst on the basis that you are guessing he may be going through some sort of crisis (that he didn't share with you) -- this man is not intimate with you on either an emotional or sexual level; would you have said anything or sat down and discussed anything if you hadn't found what you have now found?

Don't underestimate the carelessness of the arrogant. Ask him for his phone when he gets home.

hymie · 28/02/2011 15:55

" At what point do you throw it all away though hymie? Her husband tried to cheat on her but failed is the story he's telling her. That's no different to actually"

I agree

" hymie - would you in this instance? Looking at what he has told the OP, would you say that this guy is a decent chap who loves and respects his wife? "

I would, yes

He's probably racked with guilt and mortified at what he's done and at being caught.

Chances are it will never happen again, but it might, and the OP is aware of this. On balance my advice would be to try and see if they can work it through as it sounds like when its good its very very good, too good to throw away.

Easy to say I know, but from what the OP has said it sounds like she is prepared to hear him out and take it at face value, and only she will know if she can consign it to the rubbish bin and move forward. Not sure if I could, never been there, but I admire someone who could try, especially as there are no g'tees.

This hasn't reached the mug stage yet.

madonnawhore · 28/02/2011 15:58

If he hadn't been caught then he would have kept on 'self medicating' his impotence issues with other women while letting the OP suffer his indifference and distance while all the time thinking that it was her fault.

I think that's shitty of him.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 16:03

Exactly madonna

How long would/will this go on until he 'cured' himself?

I think a 'decent' man would seek help via a GP or specialised professional.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 16:07

mmm - good point mathanx - we have shared the sexual crisis, we talk a lot on and off. We try alot on and off. It's complicated (isn't it always?) I struggled after each child, almost welcome the non-sex period. We also have a child who goes into anaphylaxis regularly. We've had maybe too many crisis and too much talk. Maybe that's why he thought a dabble of lighthearted no-issue sex might be good for him. Who knows. I don't know if I can park this lot, I feel your anger, but I'm also conscious of all the good we have as a family, we need each other to get through our son's condition. I have to believe in 'good' to believe that my son will survive his allergies. If I get cynical I struggle.
I'm going to deal with what I know, ask the questions again tonight and then see where I go from there.

ps - what does OP stand for?

OP posts:
Mouseface · 28/02/2011 16:11

Original Post/er

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 16:20

OP is it acceptable within your relationship for him to look for sex outside the marriage? is it only acceptable if he looks but isn't succesful? if it is acceptable for him does that mean it is acceptable for you. how would he have reacted to this situation if teh roles were reversed? would he be allowing you the benefit of the doubt? would he be arranging counselling for you? is this a balanced relationship and is your reaction proportionate to what his would be in teh same circumstances? would he be as forgiving and make such allowances as you have had?

you don't need to answer these questions on the internet but it is certainly worth asking yourself in private.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 16:22

topiary (I'll use your name instead of OP)

My son is disabled. He has Complex Needs. He has had life saving open heart surgery at 6 months old and been rushed to PICU on three seperate occasions, where we were told to expect the worst.

If my DH did what yours has and actually used him or the stress of it all as an excuse, I'd be mortified.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 16:30

yes, mf, that would be a very low thing to do

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 16:32

i was a MUG for my EXP topiary. he never cheated on me but i know if he had and i found out, i most likely would have forgiven him. i know for a fact if i had cheated on him, he would have walked out the door tehre and then and refused to talk about it. why would our reactions have been so different? because he knew he had me where he wanted me, i needed him more than he needed me. he was the breadwinner, the confident one, the one who had chipped away at any insecurities i had and blamed me for his moods. i am seeing similarities in what you have posted.

ScaredOfCows · 28/02/2011 16:48

Even if he didn't cheat physically, he cheated in his mind. He knew it was wrong, that it would hurt you, that it may destroy your relationship, that he was jeapordising his children's future within your family unit, but he was willing to go ahead with sex with a stranger, for his own needs. The only reason he stopped was because HE couldn't actually get someone to have sex with him, not because of love/respect etc for you.

I wonder why sex to potentially cure erectile difficulties, is any different from the myriad other reasons people cheat.

I can understand your need to treat this in a low-key way (kind of!), but I really hope you see this for what it is, not just a naughty kid contemplating nicking a pack of smarties then changing their mind.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 16:53

Mouseface I'm sorry about your child.

No it's not DH here - he doesn't use our son as an excuse, I suspect it's me: I need normality and so maybe err towards keeping the status quo ...

OP posts:
Alltheywantisahole · 28/02/2011 16:57

Does not sound good to me tbh. I have been on the receiving end of a serial cheater.

He will come up with a very plausible excuse by 11pm tonight. He will talk his way out of this one.

Use the next few hours to your advantage. If he has been stupid enough to leave the kind of evidence you have already found in your home then there is the possibilty there is more for you to find. You may not feel you can face it just now - but right now is your only chance becfore he gets home to leave no stone unturned and search and search and search for more if you EVER want to get to the bottom of this.

Search everywehere. Pockets of clothing in his wardrobe- even stuff he has not worn in ages, bank accounts, computers , spare mobiles, receipts, look in the car as well.

You are looking for anything that cannot be explained.

He is unlikely to admit to anything and if he does admit to some kind of infidelity you will be drip fed the bare minimum of what he thinks he can get away with telling you. Most men in this situation do the same.
Hold back any further evidence and use it wisely to obtain more info - assuming ofcourse you want to know.

If you choose not to know the facts then expect to find yourself over the coming weeks to find yourself mulling over all kinds of vile and hurtful scenarios. The truth can hurt and be painful but then you can start dealing with that hurt. The unknown just plays on your mind for alot longer and probably causes alot more damage in the long run.

Sorry to be so down on your situation but its similar to situations I have been in. I know the pain. I know the vile thoughts and I know how it eats away unless you face it head on.

Get off the PC now and search everywhere for anything that could point to his infidelity. Mumsnet will still be here later if you need more support. You only have until he comes home tonight to find anything else he may have "hidden" in your home. Now he knows you are onto him, anything that MAY be in your home will be moved pronto by him as he tries to limit any damage already done.

However awful this all is right now - you will one day move on from it one way or another, but burying your head in the sand and hoping it will all be OK, is just delaying the inevitable.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 17:07

topiary - don't be sorry Smile

I was just saying that if he did use his son/the stress that his condition brings, then I'd be upset.

clam · 28/02/2011 17:16

I think that topiary has her eyes wide open here, actually. She seems fully aware that her husband has either cheated in full, or intended to but failed. It also seems to me that she is prepared to overlook both those scenarios in order to preserve the status quo of her "lovely life, lovely home."

Horses for courses. Personally, I'd rip his balls off, but it's her life.

Good luck, topiary. I hope you get the peace of mind you're looking for.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 17:29

Thanks guys!

OP posts:
WhoAteMyCrisps · 28/02/2011 17:37

topiary

You have not offended me, I'm sorry if i came across as harsh, but truth is i see it so many times on here and especially in RL
People ask for advice, others respond with varied and valid points, the advice is ignored. Things then go tits up and the person who asked is back moaning that the issue isn't resolved.

You asked for advice,There was lots of good advice given on how best to deal with this, but you chose to ignore it (fair enough your call)

Which then made me think you had already decided what you were going to do, So what was the point in asking?

Everyone is different and as others have said most of us are failing to understand you being so calm and dismissing it in an "oh well!" kind of way.

Why don't you try this?
Take a step back, re-read the thread as if someone else had written it, detach yourself completely....what advise would you give to someone in this situation?

It might help to get things into perspective.

I'm sure you'll do whats best for you but do take on board what everyone has said. We are only trying to help and understand where you are coming from.

Good Luck in whatever you decide

CrazyHorse · 28/02/2011 17:42

Exactly, clam.

But the OP knows her husband better than any of us, so only she can come to a final conclusion.

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