found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

[topiarygal]

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

Thanks, Mouseface - good advice

Do Not under any circumstance's let him turn this round on you.
It is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong.

If he does this he is trying to "justify" his actions by putting the blame on you. Don't let him do this. Be strong!

Completely agree; infidelity is a choice, not something you're driven to. This isn't your fault.

i agree, this is NOT your fault.

It's like blaming my husband for me being fat.

Sorry eandz, that made me

Big breath. So he called after text and we had an amazing chat. For some reason it was easier on the phone as there were no distractions.

He had bought condoms, he was planning to try to have sex when he was away travelling if it was available to him but he's crap at chatting people up and it didn't work (I can believe this bit). The fantasy of it was good, but reality of chatting someone up not so good. But he did feel the need to have sex away from home to see it it sorted him out. His libido's fallen off in the last 6 months and it's worried him. He reckons its an age thing and having been sex obsessive for ages he couldn't figure why he couldn't get it up. He thought sex away might help shake things up a bit for him but he didn't manage it.

So the bit about him wanting to try sex out of marriage has thrown me; but after 17 years together, would it not cross everyone's mind? I believe him and feel a bit sorry for him. But we'll muddle through. I love mumsnet, you guys are wonderful,
thanks for being there
tx

The underwear wrapper was my xmas present (d'oh) which I unwrappen in a London hotel (sorry!!!!)

If you have been having libido problems since children (and let's face it, lots of women do) then he had a choice -

1. Treat you well, make sure that you're not too tired with the children, and work together to reconnect sexually.

2. Go off and have an affair with someone else.

If he's chosen option 2 then that is his choice.

You feel a bit sorry for him?

He wants to cheat on you to try and solve his impotence - that is the biggest crock of shit excuse I've ever had the misfortune to see on here!

I'd be packing his bags permanently, what an absolute tosser.

do you believe him?

make him an appontment at the GPs.

Apparantely 1 in 4 men over 40 have erectile problems.

It wouldnt cross my mind after 20 years of marriage to try ... but horses for courses ....

Is he grovelling? If my DH had decided to go off and chat up other women with condoms in his pocket then I would expect major grovelling. Not just "oh well, it didn't work so no harm done".

As per jimjams

I found out my H had stayed over with a woman friend one night. He gave a very good reason which I believed - he was having an affair all along.

People having affairs will lie and lie and lie

I'm going to sound really cold and man hating now but hey ho.....

Nope, guess again. He has done more than 'planned' to cheat on you. And WTF???

Your text gave him time to think up and excuse that he thinks you'll buy, and you have.

As I said before, have this conversation face to face, watch him, watch his face and look right at him.

I don't buy this for one second. I just don't, it's all to drip fed for me, give her a bit and she'll drop it.

If I'm wrong then I'll apologise.

But I bet my furry little bottom that this won't be the end of it.

Sorry OP but I can't buy what he's told you and PLEASE, don't feel sorry for him.

Talk to him, face to face and take it from there.

'an' excuse.

Tired typing, sorry.

I do believe him. I asked straight out if he'd shagged anyone else and he said no.

I don't really want grovelling and no - he was not grovelling, just really really sad and sorry. Mrs Tittlemouse, he does treat me wonderfully, I have a life I could never have dreamt of and a man who is really wonderful, he's just a bit lost.

GP's is a good idea runforfun, his dad died of cancer and had testicular cancer at the age my husband is now at so bit worrying.

Ask him to visit this site and follow it up.

If he persists in thinking that an affair/one-night stand is preferable to talking to a HCP, I'd be giving him an ultimatum.

Read back over your posts, topiarygirl, and imagine it was a friend telling you this about her husband. What would your advice be to her?

OK, but even if he is telling you the truth, he isn't being a "wonderful man" right now. Going off and trying to shag someone else isn't being a wonderful man, it is a big breach of trust. So what is he going to do to prove himself to you and regain that trust?

DO you accept that as a reasonable explanation?

Really?

Wow.

How on earth does a man with erectile problems think they'll be sorted out by fucking someone else?

A sensible, caring and decent man who had had ED on a few occasions , would go to the doctor, get checked out and then perhaps try ED meds.
He would not arm himself with condoms and go out on the pull - can't you see how insulting this is to you?
He wanted to see if another woman could sexually arouse him enough to have sex, implying that you don't do it for him any more. What a bastard.

It's easy to lie when they can't see your face, and is he actually saying "I wanted to get off with someone but nobody took me up on it so hey ho that's all right then?"

He saw the need to have sex away from home to see if it sorted the problem? He wasn't worried he'd be embarrassed that he couldn't get i up in front of a stranger? Really?

I'm sorry I know you want to believe him but it sounds a pretty tall story to me.

Is he going to have counselling to help with his mid life crisis? I can't see how you can say 'oh okay then' and move on happily- even if his ridiculous story is true.

Do you already use condoms? If not I think you should to protect yourself tbh.

So why was the condom missing then if that's his reasoning? I don't believe him, sorry. You shouldn't have phoned/texted- you should have waited til you were face to face. He had chance to come up with an excuse, and you can't see his body language!

Sorry, ignore my post- thought it was condom wrapping not underwear wrapping . Still don't believe him though, and I would be very hurt if my DH decided to tackle his ED by looking for someone else to sleep with, so either way, doesn't look good to me.