found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

[topiarygal]

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

There is another thread going currently, coincidentally there is a condom involved and a man prepared to go out and cheat but "didn't"

that poster bitterly regrets not getting to the truth of the matter in the first place, and now when she is driving herself crazy with distrust and paranoid behaviour says "it has come back to bite her on the bum"

I know what advice she would give the OP of this thread...

The posters who are not buying the h's lies are the posters who do believe she can fight to save her marriage, with the priviso he admits the full truth and is sorry and eager to get help/change his ways.
The marriage needn't be doomed, it requires facing up to the matter though.

Posters decrying our viewpoint are actually not particularly helpful, suppotive of the op's need to maintain the status quo but not really looking at the bigger picure: the fallout and the lack of trust.

Papering over the cracks brings it's own problems.

It irks me greatly that some of the more aggressive posters are saying that those of us trying to talk some sense into the OP are obviously projecting our own bad experiences or some such rubbish - There are a few posters , me included, who have no experience of betrayal and who believe that most men are loyal and decent and wouldn't actually do such an insane thing as OP's H.

As PL says, papering over tha cracks will only hold for so long, whether it's six months or six years down the line, OP will be back with an even bigger tale of woe if she doesn't deal with this issue. If you act like a doormat, you get treated as one.

RitaLynn

She as good as said it herself, she doesn't want to lose her lovely lifestyle. In each of her possible scenarios, she says they would all be fucked if the family split up.

I've appreciated most of the responses and feedback here. I've understood that if you hang out on this chat area then you're most likely to have been affected by problems in relationships and that can make advice less objective. However, it is good for home truths to be aired and you've helped me decide a path of action and to ask better questions (of myself and him). So don't beat yourse;ves up - it's been really helpful.

btw - we started counselling last night - we're on the right track, reckon it'll take a while though!

Why do YOU need counselling , Topiarygal?

topiarygirl - did you ever look at the dates/serial numbers on the condoms to see if they were from the same batch? And ask why he was carrying two condoms around with him, or why he even took them out of the box if they weren't needed? The couselling will be difficult if he's not being totally honest.

WE need counselling, clearly there's something going wrong between us if he can't talk to me about how he feels. And I agree, pichachu - truth will out though

Well done you. A hugely positive step in dealing with the relevations of this week. Good luck. Tbh your candid and considered responses make me think you will create your own luck however life pans out.

I think that not wanting to lose a lovely lifestyle and split up a family with all the heartache that involves is a very legitimate reason for trying to make things work. It is NOT the soft option - on the contrary I think storming out is probably much easier, in the short run, but in the long term none of the issues that lead to the problems have been resolved. The children are left thinking: "all men are cr** like my dad" and so on.

Working through difficulties and accepting another person's imperfections IS part of a relationship. And don't forget, if you are going to subscribe to the wedding vow stuff: "til death us do part' means just that.

That is NOT the same as being a doormat, by the way. I personally think it takes more effort and courage to work thought problems in a relationship - yes even infidelity - than to walk away from them.

A little anecdote - friend of mine, 4 children, husband was an arse and she left him (justifiably so but long story). Life has been SO TOUGH for her - financially, emotionally bringing up 4 children with so little help from him (he blames her for the break-up).

With the benefit of hindsight she says she wished she had stayed in the relationship long enough to work through their issues and decide on the best way forward - so, if they had parted, it would have been on reasonable terms. She admits that part of the reason she left was to 'punish him' (and no he wasn't unfaithful - just an arse in other ways). He then 'punished' her back by withholding money and not helping with the children. And so on. And guess who gets to suffer, apart from both of them? Their children, who are the innocent victims in all this.

It has not been at all easy for her to get into other relationships and as anyone out there on the dating scene knows, the perfect man is not necessarily jumping through your bedroom window.

Sorry, have hijacked the thread and probably given a sermon. The point I am making is "chuck him out he is a cheating bastard", while completely understandable, makes for a very difficult long-term future. Work through the issues first, if at all possible, then decide on the best course of action.

None of us is perfect. Infidelity is crap, but then so are lots of other things.

Topiarygal.

I think the very worst thing you can do is blame yourself.

It is NOT your fault he is trying to shag other women.

You have to believe that.

I also strongly believe that you need to check those serial numbers before the counselling otherwise you will never know what is truth and what is fiction. I understand that you want to believe him, I think most women would but you need to KNOW that you can believe him. Knowledge is power.

Tadpoles. I don't see anyone saying chuck him out.
What we are saying is open your eyes, gather evidence and then and only then can you make an informed decision.

Tadpoles, yes infidelity IS crap and IMO crapper than anything else a man could do to me(apart from DV or hurting the children).

Leaving a relationship is a struggle and certainly not a route i would like to take. I'd br screwed. Financially, although I have a good job I need both our wages. I work shifts so childcare would be impossible without my DP. I would be lonely.

So what I would do in a situation like this is probably stick around in the short term until I had a plan. Have a 'platonic' relationship wher we both lived together, but there would be no worming his way back in !!

BTW, I too am like malificence, Just because I post on here it doesnt mean I do it because I am some woman scorned. I have never been shit on by a bloke(to my knowledge).

It is often brave, adult and nurturing to all parties to forgive, but foolhardy to do so when lies are still being told and forgiveness is based on those lies.

Topiarygal, your last post has me worried that you think you are some fire-breathing dragon woman who has scared your poor daft-genius man into the arms of other women (and possibly even caused his ED?).

What if he doesn't want to talk about his feelings because his feelings are:
He likes the excitement of planning deceitful activity.
He likes getting away with fooling you.
He feels entitled to escape from his life and all of its responsibilities.
He is addicted in some way to sex and feels entitled to get it wherever he can.

Obviously these are things that a man wouldn't necessarily be conscious of or want to admit to himself and therefore the reasons he wouldn't talk about them are all inside him and nothing to do with you or your listening style or how busy you are.

Please don't be guilted into thinking you could have averted anything your H has done here grown ups, no matter how daft or intelligent, are all capable of abiding by their promises to others. Grown ups make choices based on their priorities. A person who chooses to behave as your H has chosen, needs to examine his priorities you are not responsible in any way for what he chose (what he chose to do or what he chose to avoid doing).

He could have chosen to talk with you even if he found that difficult, but if his priorities were not the relationship or your happiness or your DCs', then that is not your fault in any way.