found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

[topiarygal]

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

I do think that the fact that he has said he was thinking about infidelity tells us a great deal about the OP's marriage as it stands.

I can't think of many couples where that kind of revelation ( let's assume he's telling the truth) would be met with an, " Oh, that's okay sweetie, golf on Saturday??".

Shirley,

Where did you get the idea that the OP had reacted to any of this with a shrug and an "oh, that's okay sweetie, golf on Saturday??"

You're reading into this what isn't there.

She has listened to what posters have said, otherwise she wouldn't have replied. No-one has any idea what she will or won't do. The tone of some of the posts is quite aggressive and nasty.

Unless you have been living in a cave, it is hardly likely to be the most extraordinary revelation of the century that a man might try to cheat on his partner.

This is essentially what this post is about. Her partner tried to cheat, she got suspicious and confronted him and they are now dealing with the fall-out.

I think that is what is going on.

Equally, unless you are living in, maybe, a society where non-monogamy is punishable by something like stoning, then, unfortunately, like death and taxes it is going to happen to somebody somewhere.

The poster sounds quite level headed actually which is more than can be said for some of the responders.

Of course we all aspire to have perfect relationships with kind, faithful, intelligent people who worship the ground that we walk on and wouldn't do anything to risk the relationship.

Sometimes things don't go that way.

"She's not a fool for not throwing him out immediately." That is a contemptuous comment which shows that you have not remotely considered their children in all this, or the fact that you cannot actually throw someone out of a house which they legally own. Are you a lawyer? You sound like a fool.

The OP said he was shocked when she told him what would happen if he were unfaithful, so somehow he had decided infidelity wouldn't be a big deal. Not reading into anything, the OP stated that herself

Nurseblade, the OP wrote "But, I clarified what would happen were he to have had sex outside of our relationship. He seemed stunned(!)"

But we don't actually know what was said, or precisely what he was stunned about. He agreed that infidelity was insane. You're reading things that aren't there.

"The OP said he was shocked when she told him what would happen if he were unfaithful, so somehow he had decided infidelity wouldn't be a big deal. Not reading into anything, the OP stated that herself."

Yes - I got that. It's amazing how arrogant people can be. He obviously thought he wouldn't be found out and/or the OP would chose to turn a blind eye or maybe react in some other way - be devastated/plead/break down or something.

Listen, how they both react is up to them, right?

Also, my comment about the city men using an escort agency were simply to make the point that whether MN posters like it or not, not everyone out there is practising monogamy! Sorry, but that is a fact.

It's the believing that he didn't cheat that is frustrating people.

But yes, it's their marriage but It's very difficult to comprehend a scenario where your husband buys condoms with the explicit intent of cheating and you accept that. Notwithstanding the overwhelming probability that he has already cheated.

I DO think it's depressing that, in 2011, women accept that kind of behaviour, yes.

Would I?

No. Categorically No. And my husband knows this which is presumably why he has ( to the best of my knowledge) chosen to keep it in his trousers.

TBH, if a man expressed shock that his wife would be unhappy about him cheating, I'm unsurprised that he tried it.

The OPs partner appears to be one of the many people who are not being monogamous at this moment in time.

I just want to clarify here, we don't know that the OP's husband was stunned to hear his wife would be upset by him cheating. That's not what she wrote.

We also don't know that he cheated.

"It's very difficult to comprehend a scenario where your husband buys condoms with the explicit intent of cheating and you accept that. Notwithstanding the overwhelming probability that he has already cheated."

Yes - it must be difficult to get your head around that scenario which is presumably why people react in completely different ways. If she had accepted it then why would she have bothered to write on here? She wouldn't have confronted him and so on.

She hasn't reacted in a way that some posters would have liked her to. That is her perogative.

In any case, revenge (which I do not advocate by the way) is a dish best served cold. Once the dust has settled the OP will no doubt do what she feels is right.

How do we know his (possible) 'extra curricular' isn't the cause of his ED?

TADPOLES,
No it isnt a revelation that someone would cheat or plan to cheat. These things happen. Well cheating does- by accident, so to speak.

Anyone can get drunk and have a one night stand, or allow a friendship develop into something more. Though i wouldnt condone it, it doesnt make someone a bad person. It is something that a couple could possibly work through.

Forward planning to meet someone for sex, whether it be a possible one night stand or a prostitute, is much, much worse. What does that say about how you feel about your partner??

Quite how this man was actually going to meet a woman and have sex is beyond me. How could he guarantee this.

Even he did manage to pull some unsuspecting woman, would he seriously be able to do the deed with a stranger when he is having difficulties with his wife?

Yes, shit happens and none of us are perfect. Quite how someone could move on and continue with a relationship knowing their dp/dh has been (and possibly still is) planning a sex session with another woman, to the point he was carrying condoms is beyond me.

differentnameforthis

The point is, we don't, do we. And we're not going to know.

And neither is the OP, is she?

Sounds like she is happy with the explanation & is too afraid to push for any more info, for fear it upsets her perfect life.

I think I'd rather a life less perfect, than live a lie like that, having my sexual health put at risk.

differentnameforthis

How do you actually know that? You're assuming you know as much about the OP's DH as the OP!

Ok, so the OP didn't throw the man out and cut up all his ties but none of know how they are going to resolve this. Nowhere do you we know she's fine with all this, and you're making assumptions that she'll not rock the boat just to keep the nice house, the car, and the villa in Tuscany. You're just making assumptions

That's not an assumption, she said that herself. At no point did she say she loves him/loves being with him. But she did say she has a nice home and her children are settled.

There are plenty of couples where the woman turns a blind eye to the man's infidelity in return for a nice home/car etc. My parents were like this.

The OP does state that she is happy with the dodgy explanation given.

There's not much point debating it further as the OP has clearly fucked off.

"Quite how someone could move on and continue with a relationship knowing their dp/dh has been (and possibly still is) planning a sex session with another woman, to the point he was carrying condoms is beyond me."

Funnily enough I have just been reading the 'what are the signs that a marriage can survive an affair' thread. With one of two exceptions the posters on there are still in relationships with men who had full-blown affairs.

Have a look at it. Then you might understand.

"She's not a fool for not throwing him out immediately." Apologies for having mis-read what this poster said. Just goes to show how careful one should be before sounding off....I didn't see the NOT. One little word, makes all the difference! Sorry for blasting that poster. I agree with what s/he wrote.

tadpoles,
I dont need to read the thread. I KNOW what soe people(usually women) will put up with.

I am just saying it the way that i would feel and react.

I wouldnt tolerate any bullshit excuses.

I am in relationship where we BOTH expect fidelity. If not why be in the relationship at all.

I would love to belive my DP in this situation. If he actually was unfaithful then I would be devastated and hate us to split up.

However, I wouldnot, personally have a choice.

I could not move on.

I could not be intimate with him knowing he had been thinking about actually shagging another woman and carrying condoms so he could do this.

What kind of woman was he thinking of? Someone younger prettier, better body than mine?

Might he consider doing it again on another work related trip? Or if we hit a rough patch/

Nah, I WOULDNT want to be living some kind of half- life.

So i would bin him off. It would be better than living on my nerves or making his life a misery with my paranoia.

Fair play to those who do actually move on, but It wouldn't be for me. And in the circumsatnces of the OP, if my DP found condoms in my bag, he would most likely react the same.

That's OK tadpole - I'll let you off .

This situation isn't black and white though it is.

He is not admitting to cheating and the OP has no proof that he has.

He has given a dubious excuse but, to be honest, it is so incredulous that it might actually be true. The OP believes that it is and she knows her husband a damn sight better than we do.

I don't think my husband would do this but I would believe this story of him MORE than I would believe he had gone out and shagged someone. We would obviously deal with that and it would not be OK but it is not the same as saying that you wouldn't tolerate infidelity that hasn't actually occurred.

Oh and tadpoles, originally I wasn't talking about people who have managed to maintain their relationship a full-blown affair.

I DID say that it is possible to move on from an affair, which wouldn't exactly have been planned.

Much worse is the planning done in the cold light of day by someone thinking of having sex with a stranger, be it a one night stand or paid for.

No excuses that we got carried away at the works Xmas party, or I got pissed and had a one night stand. Actual PLANNING. Devious.

Generally its easy to say blithely what you would or wouldnt put with until it happens to you.

As Peterandre commented this thread has outgrown its purpose as the OP is clearly staying put and going to try and go forward with her H . End of.

It's true that marriages can survive affairs. But they do this day-to-day once the decision has been made to try, and on the basis of trust earned back, not on the basis of denial.

Even in those circumstances, suspicion once planted never goes away. Given that cheaters are just like everyone else in their capacity for carelessness and arrogance, when something happens again, some fleeting thing that doesn't add up, suspicion and mistrust come marching back into the home with a vengeance. You can't sweep it under the rug. It will come back and destroy everything you hope to save unless the cheater changes. The basis of healing for a relationship is honesty and commitment.