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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:
catsmother · 28/02/2011 12:22

He may well be telling the truth but that hardly makes it alright surely ? He might not have got his leg over but he has just confessed that he was chatting other people up with the intent of getting them into bed. There is nothing about that which makes it okay. It's damned insulting to you for him not only to have attempted sex with other people but to then a) lie about the condom being one of yours and then b) feed you this nonsense as if it's something and nothing.

GastonTheLadybird · 28/02/2011 12:25

Shock I think in some ways that is worse than getting carried away in the heat of a moment with a colleague or something!

He actually planned to go out and cheat on you! What a tosser.

Sunflower38 · 28/02/2011 12:26

Good point, it was a condon wrapper, where was the condom? Did he take it out and carry it around in his pocket all night?

God OP. I cannot believe you would accept this... I understand you have a good life etc but really... how is having sex with another woman meant to fix him. I think that is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. And if he was able to get it up with another woman (and not you!) then I suppose you would be OK for him to have an open relationship?

I'm really sorry for what you found OP, but I'm even sorrier that you would believe such a lame excuse.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 12:26

So his solution to a slight libido problem was not to talk to his wife about it and sort it between you ?

His solution was to plan yes plan to go and fuck another woman ?

You feel sorry for him ?

You believe him ?

This is a wind-up, surely

please tell me it's a wind-up

TerrorFirmer · 28/02/2011 12:34

condoms come in packs of three (or more) no? Was it just one you found? I know how much you want to believe him (been there!) but really?

gettingeasier · 28/02/2011 12:36

Topiarygal I am so sorry this is happening to you and I think its telling you asked us whether you should even raise this with your H in your op.

Seriously you could just brush this under the carpet?

I am guessing you have a nice life moneywise, you love your H and DC and dont want to see anything that is going to rock the luxury cruise ship , which I do understand.

However please dont debase yourself by just accepting this. As others have said the fact he planned sex with someone else is terrible irrespective of whether or not he went ahead. By the way Mumfun is right they will lie about everything that you are unable to prove with evidence and by giving him the heads up on finding the condom he has had ample time to find a lie he thinks you will accept.

I dont know what the answer is op but you would be unwise to breath a sigh of relief at what hes told you imo

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 12:38

Are there really women living in today's world that would overlook something like this ? And in fact liken it to a bit "silliness" like you would a 6yo ?

CheerfulMe · 28/02/2011 12:39

Like PeterAndre (Grin) I'm so hoping this is a windup. So, so much. dear God.

How could any self respecting woman believe that pile of bollocks? Unless... they really really wanted to, for some reason.
MN makes me sad, sometimes :(

CheerfulMe · 28/02/2011 12:40

x post, PA...

HiBarryScottHere · 28/02/2011 12:41

How could any self respecting woman believe that pile of bollocks?

Just what I was thinking.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 12:41

CM, it makes me fucking furious sometimes

Today is one of those days

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 12:42

WOW!!

he really has done a number on you if he has you feeling sorry for him!!!!

i am quite angry about this so wont advise, there are others here who can articulate their thoughts better than i can

Angry
CheerfulMe · 28/02/2011 12:43

Same here, PA and Booy.

Angry
babyapplejack · 28/02/2011 12:44

Cheating husbands will cobble together any excuse under the sun to continue to deny the fact that they're cheating. They'll lie and lie unless you have 100% proof and they can lie no more. Some will even continue to lie in this scenerio!

The excuses/reasons your husband has given you are utter ridiculous bollocks. The whole lot is total rubbish and if you believe it, you are setting yourself up for some major heartbreak.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 12:45

Not a codom wrapper, gift wrapping from underwear.

OP said that she'd forgotten the black wrapping paper was hers from underwear he bought her in London.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 12:46

OP, get yourself down to the GUM clinic

condom, or no condom (which are not 100% in preventing STI's, incidentally) your husband is a liar and an ace manipulator

you don't know the half of it, I am afraid

happyinherts · 28/02/2011 12:48

Okay OP - just supposing you are willing to accept his story -

Are you equally as willing to accept the fact that anyone would do, a stranger. How damned insulting.

Even if he hasn't actually cheated on you, the intention was more than there. And he is admitting that he would do it. I know you cornered him but to be honest it's the best excuse he could come up with it.

Think about it

WhoAteMyCrisps · 28/02/2011 12:49

What a load of bollocks!

He wanted and planned to have sex with another woman and you are ok with this??
And you feel sorry for him!!!

I dont believe a word of what he told you

I Think you were going to accept whatever he told you. Rather than face the truth, then that way you do not have to deal with the fallout.

It saddens me actually that anyone would think that this is ok.

If it was my DH he would never get the chance to have an erection again as i would have done a "bobbit" on him and rammed it up his fucking arse!!

Nancy66 · 28/02/2011 12:50

Oh dear - what a fool believes.

I can't believe you bought that excuse and, more to the point, I bet your DH can't either.

why would he still be carrying the wrapping paper around for underwear he bought you over two months ago?

Malificence · 28/02/2011 12:50

I thought it was just my highly pre-menstrual state making me irrationally angry over the OP's meek acceptance of her unbelievably hideous situation, glad it's got to most other posters as much as me.

Get a grip OP! He must be giggling inwardly at getting you to swallow this twaddle.

MooMooFarm · 28/02/2011 12:54

Personally I feel really sad for OP and don't think we're helping her at all by bashing her on here. She's not the one who's done anything wrong, remember?

For whatever reason she isn't ready to face the reality that her H has probably already been unfaithful. We don't know her backround circumstances, but clearly she wants to believe him and hope everything is ok for whatever reason.

Trying to force her to face something she's not ready to isn't going to help her at all IMO. Maybe in time she will be, but in the mean time, aren't we supposed to support each other on here?

I'm really sad for you OP and hope you're ok. All I would say is that I hope you have a good support network of friends and family out there who can help you get some perspective on this in RL.

QuintessentialShadows · 28/02/2011 12:56

Yes, and the moon is a pizza pai.

Where did he buy just ONE condom? Where are the others?

Oh, I know, he filled them with water and froze them, to make a nice ice dildo for his coctail. Yup, that sounds as plausible......

CalamityKate · 28/02/2011 12:56

I call bullshit.

He knew you weren't going to buy the line he originally gave you, so he invented something JUST bad enough that he'd have to "confess" something, without admitting to the whole truth.

WhoAteMyCrisps · 28/02/2011 12:56

And as somone else rightly pointed out, Condoms come in packs of 3.
Where are the other two? You need to ask him this.

Also what happens next time??? and believe me there will be a next time.

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 12:57

Op ask him again when he gets home. you need to see his face, watch his reaction, his behaviour his facial expressions when he denies it tells you what happened.

as i said, you know him, you will know if he is lying. you aslo know what you want to believe so separate the two, what his behaviour tells you (not his mouth) and what you want to believe are two differenty things. don't be a fool. if you want to keep ths life you have, fine, keep it, but keep it for what it is and work through the problems, don't wish this away and pretend it hasn't changed things.