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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:
Crawling · 28/02/2011 12:57

OP I would be very angry and upset if this was my DP. It also does not ring true he lied to you by text then when he realised you hadnt bought it he said a different story. Secondly no man I know would risk the mortification of erectile dsyfunction with a one night stand they find it hard enough with someone they know and trust.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 12:57

Nobody is bashing the OP

I think showing incredulousness that

a) she thinks his story is OK

b) that he has the front to tell it

c) how foolish she would be to brush this under the carpet

d) he is manipulating her in this way

is the only sane response

emmyloopsyloo · 28/02/2011 13:02

This has to be a windup, no one is this stupid surely? A used wrapper yes?

If you swallow that crock of shit, for a nice life, he'll do it again, and again. You'll never be able to trust him, it will be your payment for your nice life.

I don't believe this is real, no-one is that dependant on a man for a nice life nowadays, they'd swallow that crock of shit. Surely???

emmyloopsyloo · 28/02/2011 13:04

Oh and I 2nd the fact, if you know a man who has had issues with ED, shagging a stranger is the last thing they'd doing. The fear of humiliation would kill an erection stone dead, with a stranger.

Sunflower38 · 28/02/2011 13:04

Plenty of women put up with this sort of carry-on.

Sad, but I think it happens a lot. Especially older women who may not have worked and feel reliant on their husbands financially.

WhoAteMyCrisps · 28/02/2011 13:07

moomoo

I totally get what you are saying but it really riles me when people ask for advice...and lots of good advice was given, then totally ignore everything that has been said and do the opposite.

Dont ask for advice if you are prepard to take it/act on it.

The op already knew that she didn't really want to upset the apple cart so to speak so was prepared to accept his pathetic excuses.

OnlyOneLife · 28/02/2011 13:10

emmyloops exactly right. My DH had an episode of ED and his sexual confidence took such a knock that he would never have been able to try it on with another woman. The humilation of failing with someone new would have been too much for him (or any man I suspect). He barely wanted to try with me.

op It's a tall tale he's telling you I'm afraid.

WhoAteMyCrisps · 28/02/2011 13:10

Should have read;

Dont ask for advice if you aren't prepard to take it/act on it.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 13:12

Perhaps OP thought we would all feel sorry for him too Confused

BelleBelicious · 28/02/2011 13:12

MooMooFarm. I completely agree.

OP, if your DH being unfaithful isn't a big deal for you (and it isn't for everyone), then there is no real problem here. If it is, your reaction probably means you're still in shock.

There are an awful lot of questions that I would be asking your DH. Most of all where are his responsibilities to you?

You say you are 'postnatal'. What does postnatal mean? Are you depressed, or just overwhelmed with baby? If so, how is he supporting you?

Personally I don't buy his excuse for one second. I get why you want to though.

The only advice I would give, is always listen to your instincts, because the alternative will lead to madness.

Mouseface · 28/02/2011 13:13

OP - take a deep breath and think about what he has said to you.

He has had time to think.

He knew what you found and had time to think.

Please, talk to him when he gets home.

Look at him, really look at him and listen.

Please, don't accept this OP.

MooMooFarm · 28/02/2011 13:14

I see your point WhoAte but what worries me sometimes is that people post on here in a pretty fragile state and maybe aren't ready to face the truth in a situation like this.

I've seen it before in posts like this where the OP comes back to say she believes her H, or wants to make it work with him, etc, then stops posting. In the meantime we all post saying he's a bastard, a liar, whatever, with the posts getting more frustrated and angry as they go on. But who is getting the brunt of all the anger? Not the twat of a man who deserves it, but the woman who posted about him, who I can imagine sitting silently on her own reading about how the whole of MN thinks she's married to a bastard and how she's an idiot for putting up with him Sad.

And at the end of it all, I can't imagine it helps her much. Don't know what the answer is tho...

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 13:14

OP there are clues in your posts about the way you behave and make bargains in your relationship. I'd strongly urge you to use this catalyst to examine them.

Instead of waiting until he came home and confronting him face to face, you phoned him and because it's easier to do so on the phone, he lied to you. You then texted him. You then had another phone conversation, when I promise you, he lied to you again.

Your immediate thought today was that you'd driven him to be unfaithful, when the reality is that none of us is responsible for our partner's behaviour choices. When he retracted his lies from earlier and lied again, you not only believe an implausible tale which nevertheless betrayed premeditated intention to be unfaithful, you felt sorry for him.

How did you get to be like this? What happened to your expectations of how you'd be treated in a relationship of equals?

bodencustomer · 28/02/2011 13:15

Do you have any idea why the wrapping paper would still be in his bag? Did you put it in there when he gave you the gift, or can you remember throwing it away. Unfortunately, it's possible that he bought another woman a gift of underwear from the same shop.

Also, where are the other 2+ condoms?

His response of planning to have sex with a random stranger as a way of addressing his ED is beyond the pale although I'm not sure that I really believe it. Eitherway it's unreasonable to put it mildly.

Unfortunately, you gave him a heads up when you texted and rang him. This gave him the opportunity to hide his immediate response and think up a lie.

I think that you need to get to the bottom of this and would suggest that you arrange some couples' counselling to get to the bottom of what's going on adultery or not.

innerstrength · 28/02/2011 13:15

OP I know this is hard. But the previous posters are right. He is lying to you.

The best advice I can give you in this position is to watch and wait. Look everywhere. Pockets, bags, bills, mobile phone, his email if you can etc. Sooner or later he will slip up (they always do, the fucking idiots), and you will have proof.

What you need to be aware of though is that the more times you question him and confront him, the more careful he will be to hide all evidence of his affair. It is not nice when you effectively have to become an MI5 agent to discover what is really going on, but we all deserve truth. Watch and wait.

People have spoken harsh words to you on here, but many of them have direct experience with similar circumstances. Good luck.

bodencustomer · 28/02/2011 13:16

BTW listen to WWIFN she talks a lot of sense.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 13:22

I ought to have this on repeat, but I have found that in these shock situations, the lies that unfaithful people tell often paint them in a worse light than the truth. He would rather you believe that he had "gone equipped" for sex with a random stranger, than the possibility that he is having a sexual relationship with a person for whom there are feelings.

Given the Erectile dysfunction issues however, I would also consider the possibility that he has been using prostitutes, whom he might have thought would have magic powers to "cure him". Hmm

bodencustomer · 28/02/2011 13:27

But WWIFN I don't think it's likely that he'd be buying the prostitutes gifts of underwear.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 13:27

yes, I thought prostitutes immediately too

not some random woman he has tried chatting up

OP, you need to start checking the bank and credit card statements

joanne34 · 28/02/2011 13:28

One condom ? Condoms cannot be bought singularly ?

Sorry OP, I am always the optimist on these threads but I dont believe his story for 1 second !

You can accept his answer for now, but if I were you I would have a snoop and look for any irregularities, bank/phone etc.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 13:28

No, but the OP seems to think that the underwear wrapping related to her things. Whether that's yet another bargain either for herself or us, we can only speculate.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 13:29

why not, BC ?

Some men do things like that, especially the "Girlfriend Experience" type transactions

emmyloopsyloo · 28/02/2011 13:29

You'd be suprised what men will buy for hookers to try and make themsleves feel good.

Many a happy hooker thread on here, to bang that into us wives when people off skanknet get bored Hmm

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 13:31

men give gifts to prostitutes, it is surprisingly common

maybe it's a "nice" bloke's way to try and make it less impersonal ?

or to appease his conscience....

bodencustomer · 28/02/2011 13:31

Perhaps you're right, I don't know much about these things. To my mind it seems much more likely that either the wrapping was from OP's original gift or else he has bought something from the same shop for another woman he cares about. In a way it's a side issue, though.