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Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 28/02/2011 13:37

Wow I can't believe you felt sorry for him because he didn't manage to pull anyone to cheat on you with (so he says).

What if his story had ended with him managing to pull someone? Would you have felt happy for him?

This is so effed up. Sorry OP, I'm not blaming you but your H is feeding you a load of bullshit and he's getting away with it.

controlpantsandgladrags · 28/02/2011 13:37

why would a wrapper from a gift you opened be in his bag? Why wouldn't you have put it in the bin?

I don't believe his story for a second for what it's worth. You should have waited to confront him face to face rather than by phone/text where you can't see his reaction.

Butterbur · 28/02/2011 13:38

Topiarygal, I have been in your situation - almost exactly. I suppose I still am, since I never took my head out of the sand and confronted what had happened.

That subtext of distrust, and even hatred on my part colours our whole relationship. I regret not having had the courage to deal properly with the issue when it occurred.

mummery · 28/02/2011 13:53

I too thought of a man using escorts.

He's in London for business, presumably staying in hotels?

Using a prostitute would be more likely/make more sense than having a second relationship on the go in another part of the country.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 14:46

Blimey - I'm toast!
I asked for advice on whether to talk to him or ignore it.

I have a happy marriage, we've two kids and a lovely life. I have two options:

  1. I believe him
  • If I'm right then we carry on no problem
  • If I'm wrong then I'll find out more down the line and we're all fucked - him me, both kids. Or this might just be enough to wake him up. We'll talk tonight, he'll get an idea of what'll happen if he is cheating on me.
2) I don't believe him - I nag, I dig, I suspect, I turn into a total twisted bitch with distrust; he lies - we're fucked - him, me, both kids.

My guts go with believing him maybe that's naive, but I have a lovely home, a lovely man and two of the most amazing kids who love their dad. I'm not going to fuck that up on the first sniff of trouble.

So I really do thank you for all your advice, I was in shock and needed to talk it through. I'm really sorry to rile you WhoAteMyCrisps, I did not mean to offend, only to ask for help.

thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 14:47

oh - and it wasn't a used condom wrapper - take the point about the missing other 2!

OP posts:
lockets · 28/02/2011 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 14:53

No I'm not walking away from this, I feel the need to get some counselling for him - BUT I'm not going to pull the plug at this point.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 28/02/2011 14:57

Talk to him.

Make a list of what you want to ask him, look at it and see if you think it covers everything you want to discover.

Then and only then, make a decision on what you do next.

He now has yet more time to come up with excuses. If he needs to.

You won't be fucked if he has cheated. You'll have the truth and then you'll be able to act on that.

Talk. Listen. Move forward.

Sunflower38 · 28/02/2011 14:58

How is it a sniff of trouble if he admits going out to try and meet another woman to sleep with?

How often does he work away? What are the odds that the one and only time he has ever attempted anything like this he got caught?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/02/2011 14:58

Call me crazy but I think going out and buying condoms with the intention of finding someone to cheat on you with, is cold, calculating and utterly, utterly horrible.

It is WORSE than a drunken one night stand, an impulsive fumble, or falling into something without thinking.

In the cold light of day, this man made the decision that he was going to betray you.

I could forgive a drunken fumble.

I could not forgive this.

catsmother · 28/02/2011 14:58

No-one wants to upset or distress you further but can't you see people are worried about the self esteem of a woman who says "I believe him - we carry on no problem". People are finding it hard to understand why you're letting yourself be treated in such a shoddy manner, because your husband went out with the express intention of finding someone else to f**k. If you effectively shrug and agree with him "no harm done" - on the basis that never mind, he didn't achieve his goal, how do you think he's going to view you from now on ? I suspect he'll see you as a gullible fool and chances are he'll try it again, only this time he'll be a lot more careful. Okay - not everyone splits over infidelity but he should be begging your forgiveness and you should be absolutely furious that he thinks this was "okay" because he never quite made it - but not for want of trying. If you're going to stay together then you need to unravel why he behaved like this, and why he lied, and he owes you the absolute truth. Counselling would be a minimum condition for continuing for me .... because I couldn't live with someone who treated this so casually. He has treated you appallingly and actually, things swept under the carpet as you seem intent on doing have a nasty habit of creeping out again sooner or later. It is far far better to deal with this now - whichever way your relationship ends up going - rather than have to deal with it at some later date. Potentially, your kids could be affected far more if you don't confront this now and leave it to fester.

I'm just amazed that you're still describing him as a "lovely man" after he's just told you (and it's probably half a story) that he was going to screw around to cure his impotence.

Sunflower38 · 28/02/2011 15:06

I agree catsmother, no-one wants to upset anyone. it's just shock anyone would be able to be OK with this that is sad.

I think it very odd that you found just one. Why would he just keep one and throw the others away? It doesnt make any sense.

I'd be worried the reason he is not sleeping with you is because he is getting it elsewhere.

RitaLynn · 28/02/2011 15:07

To be honest, I tend to agree with OP. If every marriage ended because of infidelity (or considered infidelity) there would be far fewer marriages left.

If the OP can accept her man intended to be unfaithful, and quite possibly was, and live with it, maybe that is better for her and her family. Maybe she can take a lover at a future date

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 15:07

mmm-m I understand your disbelief, it's hard to describe him. He's a genius, quite normal looking but incredibly daft at every day stuff and a terrible liar. I control all our money. I truly believe he was marching out of the airport thinking of a meaningless shag AND that there was no way he could get the fantasy to materialise.

I'm not sweeping it under the carpet, I'm just going to deal with what he has told me and we will work through that. I suspect if there is any more to it it'll come out in the process.
Anyway exhausing day - you'll believe

OP posts:
hymie · 28/02/2011 15:10

"All condoms come with an expiration date (marked as "Exp") and should not be used after this date. If you cannot find the expiration date on the box, then look for the date of manufacture (marked as MFG). Latex condoms that contain spermicide should not be used more than two years after the manufacture date. Condoms that do not contain spermicide can be used up to 5 years after the manufacturer's date"

www.epigee.org/guide/condoms.html

It deffo was not one of your old condoms.

Looks bad I'm afraid, sorry.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 15:13

A genius ?

he's that all right

a genius manipulator

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 15:13

It's revealing that you say you feel the need to get some counselling for him.

Isn't that his responsibility?

You keep saying you've got a lovely home and a lovely life. Are these material things getting in the way of asserting your rights in this relationship? They are pretty hollow advantages if you're being disrespected and taken for a fool by your partner, you know.

madonnawhore · 28/02/2011 15:14

I can't understand why you're not more upset about this OP.

The forethought and deliberate planning that he went into to cheat on you at the first available opportunity is chilling.

It's like:

"I was planning on killing you but I could never get you on your own for long enough to do it."

"Oh well, you didn't kill me so no harm done I suppose."

Also, I don't believe that this was a one off; that the first and only time he attempted this was the time that he got caught. Yeah right. I think that he's probably been doing this for a while.

It's odd, I see this all the time on the relationships board: woman finds massive clues pointing towards an affair, all lit up and flashing in fluorescent neon, but because there's no incontrovertible proof, the bloke gets away with it.

Indeed in this case, the guy has even admitted that he wanted to cheat and would have cheated had he had the opportunity. But because there's no proof that he did, OP is satisfied that he didn't.

I'll never understand why independent concrete proof of an affair trumps admissions of guilt or even ruined trust as a deal breaker.

Original poster
topiarygal · 28/02/2011 15:14

WWIN - sorry - kids - material?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 15:14

You can keep your lovely home, you know

and your lovely kids

you can also get rid of your cheating twat of a husband

happy days

hymie · 28/02/2011 15:15

oops...I was a tad slow there (not for the first time)

Good luck Topiarygirl, I really do hope you can work through this one, he sounds a decent bloke underneath.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 15:16

underneath what hymie ?

bodencustomer · 28/02/2011 15:31

I haven't told you to walk out on your marriage. If you look back you'll see that I suggested couples' counselling to get to the bottom of what's going on and put it right.

Whatever your dh has or hasn't done it doesn't sound like he has a ' happy marriage'. That's not to say that things couldn't be put right with some effort and help on both sides.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 15:34

Of course children are not material objects - where did I say that? Look at your posts. You are saying that you've got a lovely home and a lovely life. You also say you've got two lovely children. I didn't mention them, because it's a given that they will stay lovely children, particularly if they grow up with a mother who has high self esteem and a Dad who treats her with respect.

I was wondering whether the "lovely life" and "lovely home"; the material benefits and trappings of being married to a financially successful "genius" (as opposed to a successful human being), are getting in the way of your own self-respect?

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