He's Locked Me Out

[FromDespairToWhere]

I posted a few days ago about wanting to leave H. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a few drinks. H texted while out telling me not to bother coming home. Many more texts and phone calls followed and I told him I would stay at my mum's as it was late and I didn't want to get the DCs involved in a big row.

This morning he rang to say that he was not going to let me back in the house and if I tried he would physically remove me, chuck all my things out or call the police. He is refusing to let me near DS2 and has said he will go for full custody of him. He has allowed me to speak to DS1 but had already told him that I didn't care about him and DS1 seemed very confused and scared.

I've got an appt to see a family lawyer this afternoon but would appreciate some advice or hand holding.

previous threads

< creeps back in >

I apologise for my tone earlier, OP. I was scared for you and wanted to shock you into thinking straight.

I see things have calmed down. Get some rest and calmly leave and take your children tomorrow after arranging physical back up

Stay safe x

Hope all is well OP. I am slightly more anxious that he reappeared, I rather thought the flouncing out thing was going to be a case of 'hides in bushes/goes to mate's house while you are supposed to think that he has in fact fucked off and drowned himself'.
Keep your phone on you and your grab bag handy, and if you have to run take the kids even if you are screaming your head off and dialling 999 at the time.

Take care OP, and get away from this man as quickly as you can with someone to help you in case he kicks off

Stay safe at all costs

Hope things quieten down for you sometime soon OP.

FWIW i think your DH needs psychiatric help, is he getting it?

H spent the night on the sofa and has said this morning that he is going to see his doctor and then to look for somewhere to live. He is now saying that he can't be a part time father to the DCs so he doesn't want to see them once he has left. He seems quite messed up this morning and has been crying a lot.

I'm treading very carefully this morning and trying to avoid doing or saying anything that might set him off. I'm not going to get anyone round to support me just yet as I know this will antagonise H even further. He partly blames my family and friends as he thinks they've encouraged my unreasonable behaviour.

Good morning

Treading carefully sounds good. I know its hard to do right now but always keep cool, keep in mind what end place you want from this and don't be sidetracked by his dramas. He'll believe totally in what he is saying and I am sure he is devestated, but he is not going to change.

What do you plan to do today?

FDTW If he's saying he doesn't want to see the children once he's gone then that really shows you the measure of the man.

Effectively he's saying 'if YOU make me leave, then YOUR child won't see his father ever again'

Don't fall for the tears. It's all part of the control and guilt trip.

Of course he blames your friends and family for your 'unreasonable behaviour' - in his eyes if you had nothing to do with them then you'd be behaving 'reasonably' (ie doing exactly what he wants) and none of this would be happening.

Stay safe OP.

Been lurking a while. Agree with Fliss' last comment.

Also when he has calmed down from the impending break up he will probably want to see the kids, however right now he is behaving hysterically and will say anything to try and make you repentant, and stay.

Be brave, this relationship isn't going anywhere is it? You'll all suffer if you don't end it. You're right to tread carefully and handle it as calmly as poss.

saying that he can't be a part time father to the DCs so he doesn't want to see them once he has left

I have seen this said so many times on here - yet another manipulative guilt trip.

You need to take control of this situation - not wait patiently for him to 'find' somewhere to move out to, all the while messing with your head and your two boys picking up on the atmosphere. Is there someone you can stay with with the dcs for a a short while? If not I would seriously consider a refuge.

You need to take these warnings seriously, this is a ver very dangerous time for you, and I think deep down you know this and that's why you panicked last night and locked the doors.

H is on his way out now. I'm taking the DCs round to my brothers later which means we'll have left the house before he returns. He has asked me to meet him at the relate session we usually have on a Saturday but I'm not sure if I should go or not. I'm not sure that there's anything left for me to say to him now.

If you're going to go back home later then I would go to the relate session - if only to not agitate him further for the time being.

However, if you're packing your bags and all going to stay at your brother's house, then I wouldn't bother with the relate session.

FromDespair(tofreeedom)

You should go to Relate, and discuss yesterday in front of an objective observer. Do not tell him you were scared about x,y or z, whilst this would be cathartic for you and he deserves to know what he has done to you his type of manipulative personality will use your fear against you.

You need to try to get him to agree to a game plan, that he will move out, that you will change the locks but that you will continue to go to Relate with him.

In a few days you need to consider where you want your marriage to go (on as before, on but with counselling and changes, don't know but can't have him in the house right now or permanent separation)I know what I think but this is YOUR life and you have to make decisions for yourself. It is not for us to control you, merely offer advice and experience, and it certainly is not for H to control you which he has been.

I would continue with Relate, they can provide a safe environment for discussions and support for both parties if either one of you decides the marriage is over.

You also need to continue with your application for the non-occupation and emergency residency order. His actions may have become less immediately threatening to you and the boys, but they still continue to be controlling and manipulative and if you have the court orders then the police have to enforce them if necessary.

My first husband was violent, when sober he was always contrite but I knew until he stopped drinking his verbal and physical violence would not stop. In your case your H has deep seated insecurities and issues that need resolving before he can form an equal partnership with a woman. He needs to accept this and work through that help for himself, if you are prepared to wait (with him living elsewhere) and rebuild your marriage; or if you decide the marriage is over has to be your choice.

PeterAndre's comments last night were accurate and heartfelt, you need to recognise that he is playing games with you (I too suspect he went out last night just partly to test if you would let him back in having just learned that neither of you can exclude the other from the house without a court order. You and the boys need the back up of the court orders even if you think you won't need to enforce them.

I agree you should secure the kids at your brothers, then attend Relate in order to discuss the controlling behaviour and threats ifthr last few dats, in front of an impartial witness.

The counsellor will be able to say some sensible things to you DH hopefully, and he'll know his behaviour has been outed.

Sorry that should say "of the last few days"

Relate could help, depending on the counsellor you have and how you've gelled with them so far. You're the best judge of whether to go or not - follow your gut instinct.

The whole 'I'm not going to be/cannot be a part time father' is a classic manipulative play from these types. I got this too. He changed his mind after some months, in such a way that it didn't look like he was backing down .
Don't bother disagreeing with a man who says this, as they are mostly saying it to fuck with you, mess up your head and invade your mind further. Even if you're reeling inside, just calmly quietly say 'alight then, if that's how you feel' and change the subject. My ex, after we'd split up and I was preparing to move out, used to drop into the conversation with obvious relish whenever he possibly could the fact that he would be having no part in his sons life once I moved out. He knew it was the one thing that made me break down into hysterical crying, as I've never met my Dad and so badly wanted my son to have some sort of a relationship with his. I wish I'd just shrugged and gone back to my book now, when I think of how he played with my emotions.
So when it comes to that particular threat, ignore ignore ignore.

You are now entering a dangerous period, where keeping things briskly official and as emotionless as possible will be to your credit. That's why Relate could help; its sanctioned, official and pre-arranged. Whatever else he says or does or demands, don't give him an answer right away. Unless that answer if fleeing screaming and taking the kids with you this time, obviously.
Best of luck; I've followed this thread with my heart in my mouth, and was - and honestly still am - so worried for you.
Please remain constantly alert - he is dangerous, and in general this period is always going to be the most dangerous time in terms of breaking free. Stay safe, love.

So sorry you are going through this. If someone stopped me from being with my children like that I would have been terrified!

I've just read your other threads on this. I have had an ex like yours and it's a nightmare. I worked at it for ages but there was absolutely no way it could be fixed as it's impossible to have a relationship with someone who is so unstable and insecure. Nothing you can do or say makes it any better.

The bit about him demanding an exact time for you coming home rings a bell, my ex would get incredibly angry and jealous if I was too long at the supermarket! Once he even kicked the door in because I was too long in the bathroom (don't know what he thought I was doing in there!)

The other thing that rang a bell was that my ex held my university course work to randsom (obviously no where near as bad as children but it's all about the control isn't it). They look for something that you need/love and try to get you to do what they want with it.

You are completely doing the right thing by trying to get him out of your life, don't let him convince you otherwise. Your chidlren will be so much better off once he has gone.

Where do you stand legally? Do you know yet?

Just wanted to add, please do not lock him out etc, if you do this, you could pick this DCs up from school one afternoon, and find he has locked you out. It will result in, neither of you leaving the house, in case you can not back in, which would be a horrendous situations for yourself and DCs to be in

Also, wanted to say, his threats of no longer seeing the DCs when he moves out, is fairly common amongst men. They see the children/relationship as the whole package, and do not see that relationship split, still requires them to be fathers to DC. They can not separate who their sleeping with at the time, with fatherhood.I hope this makes sense

So my guess is, he was always going to turn his back on DCs, if you ever split.

Sorry for wording everything crappy. English is 2nd language, hope you get the point.

Also goodluck for the future x

Pay no attention to the threats to "never see the children again" and "refuses to be a part time dad". This is designed to make you think twice about leaving him. In many cases it works, but at what cost ??? You stay trapped in a marriage whilst the kids continue to learn very damaging lessons about relationships.

The fact he is now saying this shows his desperation. The next thing may be "if I can't have them, nobody can" Please bear this in mind We know where that kind of entitled thinking can lead

If only he knew he is following a script

A well-worn script that many abusive and manipulative men have used before. Many of us here can see it, we will help you through this.

You should not be entering into any discussions about your "relationship" at the moment unless with a neutral 3rd party. I would fully expect that if you went to Relate today and recounted the events of the last day or so, the counsellor will tell you that she can no longer see you together

Relate usually refuse to do join counselling where there is abuse involved. Have you been fully frank with him/her in previous sessions, or felt under pressure from him to downplay what he has said/done ??

Get out and stay out. No more games. Let the legal framework take over. You cannot reason with a man like this. No-one can.

I wouldn't bother with Relate. Either, as PA says, the counsellor will stop seeing you together on the grounds of his abuse of you, or if s/he doesn't pick up on it then s/he is not a very competent counsellor anyway.

Remember that there is no point in trying to reason with this man or repair this relationship. He is a wanker with a horrible view of women and you need to get him out of your home and (as much as possible) out of your lives. If he subsequently does want to see the DC then it must be supervised contact, either in a contact centre or with someone physically and mentally robust to keep an eye on his behaviour and remove the DC from the situation if the wanker can't behave himself.
IN the meantime, be calm in the face of his nonsense, don't rise to anything, be conciliatory if you can (this does NOT mean you have to let him fuck your body BTW, that is much too much to expect) put your plans in place and either leave with DC or have someone with you when you tell H he has to move or serve the court order to evict him from the home (it would be incredibly dangerous to try to put him out or tell him to leave by yourself, remember this wanker is unstable, selfish and malevolent).
Best of luck. Soon it's going to feel likea reat wieght has been lifted off you. This is the hard part, but you don't have to do it alone.

The counsellor may refuse to see them together if there is a history of dv and one might be scared to speak in front of the other. If there has been DV but they need counselling to get past that the counsellor may see them together or apart.

Secondly, Relate also see couples seperately to help them cope with the emotional fallout of separation. OP needs an objective voice so H doesn't convince her she#s mad, and he needs a calming influence so he doesn't go off the rails and do something stupid (like lock her out and the kids in!)

OP, how are things ?

FDTW- what happened today? Did you get to bro's ok?
Did you go to the session?