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Think I want to leave - am I being a bit hasty?

18 replies

FromDespairToWhere · 21/02/2011 12:30

I've had some great advice from mners on my previous two threads:

possible controlling behaviour
hurtful comments

I'm finding it very difficult to continue the relationship with DH. It has become clear during our talks and relate sessions that he is very insecure about our relationship and is convinced I am going to leave him for someone else. This seems to be what is driving his slightly controlling behaviour and desire to be with me at all times.

This behaviour has included:

Hurtful comments (see thread above) which he says he made because he is insecure and jealous of all my previous partners. He does not like the thought of anyone else having been with me.

Asking me to tell him exactly what time I will be home when I go out. After the thread on his possible controlling behaviour I have told him when I will be home but he still tries to get me to set an exact time (so if I say I'll be back by midnight, he'll want to know why I can't give a more exact time and try to push me into saying I will be home earlier).

Wanting to know where I am going when I am out. He likes to know exactly where I am going so that he knows I am safe when out. As my friends and I don't usually decide exactly where we're going until we're out this is quite difficult for me to do. I have told DH this and he thinks that we should decide where we are going in advance and stick to the plan when out. To not do this is me being unreasonable.

He has said that he doesn't want me to text my friends after 9pm as he sees this as our couple time. He doesn't like me texting my friends anyway as he feels a better way to talk would be to give them a quick call and have a 5 min chat instead. He has also said that he doesn't see what I find to talk about with my friends when I have been at work all day with them.

He doesn't like me going out in a group that includes my two single male friends. One of them has been my friend since before I met DH and there has never been even a hint of anything more than friendship between us. In fact, until recently, DH has always assumed my friend was gay. Less than a week after finding out he isn't, DH has been saying that my friend fancies me and he isn't comfortable with me being out with him. The other friend is someone I met through work after meeting DH and it has been a slow growing friendship. DH is very insecure about this one in particular and says he cannot see why a single man would want to be friends with a married woman. DH has said that he doesn't trust this friend near me as he thinks he will try it on with me (and I think it's implied that I wouldn't be able to resist if this happens so I think what he really means is that he doesn't trust me around this friend).

Telling me that I made the wrong decision in letting ExH be part of DS1s life. ExH has not been very consistent with DS1 and it has upset DS1 quite badly but things have been getting better over the past 12 months or so. Every time ExH does something that DH doesn't approve of or lets DS1 down then DH will say "well I don't want to say I told you so but...". He also doesn't like me still being in touch with ExH and I cannot text or phone him when DH is in the same room as it will set DH off on a rant about how useless ExH is and how he would like to beat the crap out of him.

We have been talking about these issues at relate and also at home but I have been finding it difficult as every time I try to tell DH how I feel he cuts me off and starts to defend and rationalise his behaviour. He has been telling me that he's going to change and try to control his insecurity and jealousy but I'm not sure I can continue like this until then.

DH seems to want to spend all his time with me and I think sees it as a rejection of him that I want to spend time with other people without him.

I still find myself cringing when he touches me and have a knot in my stomach if I do something I know he is going to have an issue with (which is surprisingly often). My feelings now are that I want out of this marriage as I can't see things will ever be right between us again.

Am I being too hasty or do I sound reasonable? I think I'm being reasonable but then I would, wouldn't I?

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EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 21/02/2011 12:34

This reply has been deleted

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madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 12:36

It certainly doesn't sound like you're being hasty. It sounds like you've been very patient and accommodating of what are clearly his issues and insecurities and that you have made every reasonable effort to try to fix things. But if he's being defensive and trying to justify his unreasonable behaviour then he's not even trying to meet you half way. You can't do everything on your own and after what you've just described I don't think you should have to and I understand why you've had enough.

It sounds like you've reached the end of the road and you are perfectly entitled to end the this relationship if you don't want to be in it any more. I think it's fair enough that you want to go actually. Good luck with your decsion.