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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's Locked Me Out

186 replies

FromDespairToWhere · 25/02/2011 10:58

I posted a few days ago about wanting to leave H. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a few drinks. H texted while out telling me not to bother coming home. Many more texts and phone calls followed and I told him I would stay at my mum's as it was late and I didn't want to get the DCs involved in a big row.

This morning he rang to say that he was not going to let me back in the house and if I tried he would physically remove me, chuck all my things out or call the police. He is refusing to let me near DS2 and has said he will go for full custody of him. He has allowed me to speak to DS1 but had already told him that I didn't care about him and DS1 seemed very confused and scared.

I've got an appt to see a family lawyer this afternoon but would appreciate some advice or hand holding.

previous threads

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/02/2011 21:48

Thing is, this man is obsessed with the idea that the OP is a 'slut' and escaping from his control. He's decided he's entitled to punish her. He is escalating, and when men like this escalate it's very, very often to physical violence, serious violence.
FDTW: If you can manage to play humble, apologetic and submissive tonight (of course you're lying through your teeth, he's full of shit and you have nothig to apologise for) that is probably your safest course if you don't want to grab the DC and leave, but if he kicks off in any way, call the police.

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 21:49

scgb is right

this has escalaed very quickly

and frighteningly

CarGirl · 25/02/2011 21:55

Yes and next time she goes out, leaves dc2 with her dad...............

Ex-BIL wasn't half as bad as the op's and he stooped unbelievably low. Gaining the marital home is nothing compared to risking your dc and the emotional damage a man like that can do in a short space of time.

Portofino · 25/02/2011 22:01

This guy has NO history of violence. He decided to punish the OP by locking her out of the house but has now let her back in. Where did the "slut" thing come into it? H is still wanting to "talk". If I was OP I would be getting another family member round, but not fleeing MY house. I fully agree that the H has serious issuesand needs to go.

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 22:04

yes, porto, I wouldn't flee my house either

but I wouldn't be Grin and thinking I had won some sort of victory either

first thing Monday morning, straight back on to the solicitor

and invite a family member/friend round for the weekend until then

this is not a game

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 22:05

many violent men have no history of violence until they flip when they realise they can no longer browbeat their partner into submission, either

GypsyMoth · 25/02/2011 22:14

Op he's lulling you into a false sense of security..... Guess the solicitor spooked him

I think he'll be planning his next move whilst appearing calm and reasonable

You need to be several steps ahead

Portofino · 25/02/2011 22:19

PA - you are right. I would get someone to stay with me in this sitution and be making appointments for Monday. I would not be Grin either.

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 22:22

hope OP is ok Sad

Original poster
FromDespairToWhere · 25/02/2011 22:26

I've been reading all your comments and I am worried about how quickly his behaviour has escalated. The Grin was for seeing my boys again and not because I see this as a game.

I've pulled together some bits for me and the DSs and am ready if we need to make a quick exit. H is currently on phone to 24hr counselling service provided by his workplace. I'm definitely going to the solicitors on Monday to get the orders put into place as I don't feel particularly safe having him in the house anymore.

OP posts:
Portofino · 25/02/2011 22:29

Have you asked him to leave FromDespair?

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 22:32

what is he saying he wants to happen now ?

GypsyMoth · 25/02/2011 22:33

Watch your computer history, he could read this

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/02/2011 22:35

Portofino: on the OP;'s other threads this shitbag man has demonstrated an obsession with labelling her a 'slut' (because she had more sexual experience than him prior to the marriage). He has been consistently verbally abusive to her on this topic. Men like this have a seriously unhealthy and dangerous view of women.
FDTW: So now the fucker's playing 'Poor me, I'm mental but it's ALL YOUR FAULT' card, is he? Keep your phone switched on and in your pocket at all times: do you know which neighbour you could run to with DC if necessary?

Portofino · 25/02/2011 23:06

SGB- fair enough, I never read her other threads.

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 23:08

you still there, OP?

Portofino · 25/02/2011 23:10

I stand by what I said earlier - I would get someone to be with me. Why should these fuckers get to drive women and children from their homes into a refuge?

Original poster
FromDespairToWhere · 25/02/2011 23:17

He's gone out for a walk to have a think about things. I've locked both the doors (and left the keys in) and the windows are all shut. Not sure what to do now though.

Just before he left, he made comments about not being able to live with himself and what he'd done to me. This is just him playing mind games again isn't it?

What do I say when he comes back and finds he can't get in?

OP posts:
Portofino · 25/02/2011 23:19

What do you WANT to happen tonight?

Themumsnot · 25/02/2011 23:19

Is there somewhere else he can go? A friend or relative? Is there someone you can have come around and support you? You shouldn't really be on your own with this going on - he sounds very unstable.

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 23:21

no, don't do this

I am not going along with this

let him back in tonight

do not lower yourself to his level

what are you thinking ???

I thought you said you weren't playing games ?

will you post a Grin when he is throwing a paving stone through your front window ? Confused

Portofino · 25/02/2011 23:22

This locking doors on each other can only end in pain. OP only you really know whether he is looney fucker or reasonable enough to agree things with.

Original poster
FromDespairToWhere · 25/02/2011 23:24

Portofino - I don't want him to come back into the house. I don't think he'd hurt me or the DCs but then I didn't think he would lock me out and threaten me. He's admitted tonight that when the red mist descends he struggles to stay in control of his actions

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/02/2011 23:25

He's playing games..... He had prob predicted you would lock the doors.

Portofino · 25/02/2011 23:26

Right - so you have locked him out. Is it just you and the kids in the house?