Hello from a child-free girl...

[goldilockz]

Hi everyone,

I hope you don't mind me becoming a member of your forums, I must admit I'm rather nervous to be doing so and hope you'll have the patience to read my post through to the end. Briefly, I'm a 26 year old from Scotland who has no children and doesn't want any children (please don't let this put you off!) This was never an issue for me until my long-term boyfriend and I started discussing having children last year. He thinks he wants children while I have never experienced the elusive maternal urge or ticking of the biological clock. While I initially thought that adopting would be a reasonable compromise, I soon came to my senses and realised that a person should not be a compromise and that someone who doesn't want children shouldn't have them when her only reason for doing so would be to maintain her relationship. I discussed this with a few friends, some of whome knew where I was coming from, others who were a bit less accepting of the fact I'm unlikely to change my mind, saying that I've been given a womb for a reason, that my clock will start ticking etc. While I acknowledge that this is a possibility, I know that it's highly unlikely.

My reason for posting is that, since that 'chat' with my boyfriend which obviously caused us both a lot of distress as, lets face it, disagreeing about having children is a deal-breaker, I have become more and more aware of my 'child-free' status and ever more aware of the divisions between women who don't have or want children and women that do. This, admittedly, is something that concerns me. I don't like the idea of going through life judging other people because their decision differs from mine, nor do I want to be defensive and, while I have found websites such as thechildfreelife.com to be helpful, I also think they make one identify more with a child-free persona and being child-free is only a small part of who I am. My reasons for joining this forum is to integrate myself more with people who are not child-free, hopefully make a few friends and perhaps learn something from one another. I don't want to go through life being defensive about not having children or feel I have to justify my choice. I don't want to be labelled as being 'child-free' or the like, but I have noticed that this is something I identify myself with more and more and this upsets me. OK, enough of my waffling. I hope what I've said has made some sense and that I've not offended anyone in the process, as that is completely the opposite of why I'm here. I'm shaking as I write this because I'm very aware of the disparity between women who have children and those who don't and am envisaging a backlash! I hope that doesn't happen and I'm looking forward to your replies.

Goldi xx

Hi Goldi.

Can I just say, never say never... honestly.

I felt just like you at your age. I felt the same for most of my 30's. I am now 42 and trying desperately to conceive.

I dont regret not having children earlier and appreciate that it is going to be much harder for me to get pregnant now, but I loved my life as it was then, and my biological clock really did not even turn on until last year.

I never disliked children, I just didnt want one of my own, and I am married to someone who has grown up stepchildren (they were young teens when we met).

I think the question is WHY dont you want children.

Hi guys,

Squeaky, I agree. I would never say never and I do acknowledge the possibility that I'll change my mind but I'm not holding out for it and I don't expect it to happen. I don't believe that one needs children to be happy. LilQueenie: forgive me if this sounds rude but I don't think my decision needs to be justified. I would never ask someone why they wanted children, and similarly, I don't feel I have to have a reason for not wanting children. As I mentioned in my post, I have never had a maternal urge towards children (although I have towards dogs and cats) and I don't think that having children is something you go into half-heartedly.

Goldi

My point is you were willing to adopt but not have a biological child. When choosing to have a child there is no difference between the two.

I was not willing to adopt at all, I considered it as an option though it was not something I wanted to do, only to do as a compromise in order to stay with my partner if he decided for definite that he wanted children. I soon ralised that this would be unfair for everyone involved.

yes an option but why not a biological child as an option? It makes is sound as if an adopted child is less important.

Not at all. I wouldn't consider having a biological child because if I were to have a child, I'd rather adopt a child that doesn't have a home or parents than bring another into the world. If anything, having my own biological child is less important to me.

Hey goldilockz, good to see you here too :). As you see, it's not just mums in here. I have been posting here for a while!

hi goldi! As squeakytoy says, it can change and it's good that you recognise this. At your age I couldn't envisage having children either - I was very anti-child, none of my friends had any either, and I had no maternal urge.

Even into my 30s I didn't really change - but the one thing that suggested I wasn't completely indifferent to the idea was that I did know that if someone took my choice away, and I was suddenly unable to have children for whatever reason, I would be upset. It is worth examining that factor for yourself as well - if you were told in the next year that you had lost the ability to have children, how would you feel? At 26, it seems a long way off, but all sorts of things could happen - one of our members had early menopause at 28, infections or accidents can take the choice away. Please consider it in that light.

When I was in my mid-30s I met my now DH - and he was adamant he wanted children. By the time we had been together long enough to really decide we were in it for the long haul, I was 38. I was lucky to get pg at 39 1/2, had my son at 40 and am now 43 1/2 and no luck with the second.

So - not lecturing, just giving another example of how things can change.

Can I ask if you and your boyfriend have decided to split over your decision? Or is he hanging on in the hope that you might change your mind?

It's a shame you feel so nervous about posting here! And a shame there is such a huge disparity between mums and non-mums.
I am currently trying for my second child. I have friends who have kids, and friends who don't and although of course our lifestyles differ, I am pleased there is no "judging" (at least none that I am aware of!)
Although when DS1 was tiny, I remember my sister saying to me in a conspiring tone "Now, isn't it SO HARD to understand why people don't want kids? Don;t you feel SO SORRY for people who don't have them?" And the answer is that actually, I do understand why people might not want them - what a boring world it would be if we all wanted the same thing - and I dont feel sorry for them at all - it seemed an odd thing to say!! But common, unfortunately.
I hope you are at peace with your decision, that you don't worry too much about judging or being judged, and that things work out with your partner - or a future likeminded one. :)

oh, another point - my first friend to have children wasn't overly maternal, and she still can't stand other people's children, even though she loves her own.

I'm not that keen on others' children either, truth be told! It is a trite saying, but it holds true for most people - it is different with your own. But not for everyone, obviously.

I have a friend who absolutely no question about it NEVER wants to have children. She has even had herself sterilised because she is so sure. She received a lot of critisism and people telling her she didn't know her own mind. (not saying anyone here did, just saying that was her exp).

I support you doing what you think is right for you. Resist the voices that tell you that you WILL change your mind. You MIGHT. Big difference. In the meantime, I hope you continue to find a peaceful state of mind and I'm sure it was very stressful to have that conversation with your BF.

Besides, and I'm sure I'm not alone here, there are some of us who have kids, who aren't always 100% sure it was such a good idea. I'm not talking about the bad days, but deep down there is a part of me which wonders wistfully what my life would be like if I hadn't had kids.

Being a parent is hard work. And some of the time I don't enjoy it.

PS - I hope you're having a good think about contraception? An accidental pregnancy for my friend would have been horrifying....

I agree with Anabelle and i have two children.Dont listen to people who say you will change your mind.

I'm 29 and not yet TTC although it's on the cards in the next few years.

I didn't feel broody until I met my current partner - because I'm finally with someone I feel is good enough to be their dad iyswim? I know you love your partner, but I would suggest you try to take an objective view of your relationship as well, just to double check your decision.

Oh, and fwiw, I didn't want kids until about 6 months ago! Always thought I'd make a good foster mum though...

Hello there goldilocks, welcome to Mumsnet. I agree with Anabelle and beeny. The fact is any of us might change their mind on anything, but it's not the law that people want to have children. That said, there are a lot of people who just can't get their head around the idea that some people just don't want to be parents. A lot of people will be trying to change your mind.

I love being a parent. But it it (rightly) life consuming and I do feel strongly that if you aren't 100% committed to the idea, you shouldn't do it. But you do have to think what this means for your boyfriend. He will, I fear, eventually find someone who wants children, if not with you.

But that said, you're only 26, and men have much longer to get around to this sort of thing. I would suggest the two of you "park" this issue for a couple of years. I assume he doesn't want children right this second? 28 seems like a much more sensible time to be putting cards on the table about this.

Why should you have children? You don't want them so don't.

I think it is really selfish to have children for the wrong reasons (eg, for your husband)

Obviously you have to rise above pressure from others - it really is none of their business how you live your life.

I imagine there are many women who regret having their children (I'm not one of them) but feel too guilty to admit it to even themselves.

If you don't want children fine, I didn't either at 26, I now have four. I know plenty of women who've not wanted children, even married...then they divorce/split up find the man of their dreams and within a year have a baby!!

Still if you don't want children, fine, it's up to you...not so sure why you've joined Mumsnet. It's not to say you're not welcome or that you have to be a parent to be here, but most people do have children in common on these boards....whether it's TTc, parenting, professional life whatever. I don't have pets or want any and so I'm not a member of 'petsnet'. It seems a strange place to come and get advice.

I think it's totally fine not to want children, some people just don't and they should not be made to feel pushed into it.

But - for someone who has no interest in children, you seem to have an unusual fascination with the subject if you see what I mean? Of course you don't have to have children to post here, actually quite a few people don't (including me) though most of us do at least want to! Your post just seems a bit odd to me. Fine if you were coming here to ask advice about your relationship issues (it's a very good place for that) but to 'integrate yourself with people who are not child-free'? I don't quite understand that...

Goldi....sorry to be frank but I'm not sure many of us have anything to learn from you...as a child free person, which is your supposed difference from many of us (rightly or wrongly) but I have nothing to learn from someone who doesn't have children or want any. I have been that person before. We all have things to learn from eachother as human beings but I'm not really interested in why someone doesn't want children, being a mother is very much who I am, not all, but it's the most important thing in my life....I am forever changed. Your introduction basically says you're 26 and you don't want children, no career notes, no hobbies, etc. You ask people to want to learn about you not wanting dcs, that's it. TBH I'm not sure I care. Adn child free. com or whatever is a vile little site with people calling mothers and babies the most hideous things I've ever heard, disgusting.

Very very odd.

One of the moderators has a prof pic of a baby crying with a animated wrench pinching it....wtf?

If you don't want kids don't have them, I don't think you have to justify your reasons or label yourself in anyway, I think you're over complicating it tbh!

I don't have kids myself, I'm not sure I want them but I don't feel the need to go on childfree.com or whatever it is.

That seems like you're trying to validate your decision, you don't need to really, just don't have them and carry on with your life, it's no big deal

If you don't want to have children, you don't want to have children. No big deal and totally understandable.

For the reason you give, and for the fact that you may like the idea of an older child rather than having a baby, I appreciate why you'd consider adoption.

You should feel proud of the fact that you're not contributing to the over-population problem, like many of us on Mumsnet!

Not childfree.com. must be another child free site...sorry about that. Child free people with substitute pets always make me laugh though, although I've never understood people that treat animals like children.

Goldi....If you want to bridge the gap between CF and parents, perhaps you should talk about 100 other things than no desire to have children. I'm not really sure what you were expecting, personal experience and opinion is what you get here. So when posters post that they felt the same as you at your age it's a little off to go and bitch about being 'bingoed' on another forum.

When I was 26 I was not even thinking about children! I had been with my boyfriend (now husband) for 5 years, and children were really far from my mind. We were keen on travel, work, building our careers, living!

I accidentally became pregnant at 30, and it was a shock, but also a nice surprise. We now have two sons.

I honestly find it strange, like posieparker, that you seem to obsess so much over your childfree status. It really is a non-issue, actually, and especially at 26. You have recognized that you and your boyfriend want different things. Either because you really dont want kids, or because he is not the right one for you to want to have children with. In any event, it looks like your relationship has run its course.

If THIS is what you want to talk about, that is a different matter, and you will get lots of support here.

I have many childfree friends. Some through choice, and some not. But one of them stands out. She was obsessing over children and pregnancy and how much she did not want them from she was 20. She is 40 now, has a menagerie of pets, and she obsesses over her pets in the same way as some obsess over their children. She does not have a partner, as most have left when they realize they want kids. Such is life.

You make your choices and live accordingly. But there is nothing I can learn from that life, or from you. I have been there done that, and know full well what life is like without kids. I wouldn't go back. I am older and wiser, and there is no wisdom to gain from looking to somebody who has chosen to remain in that particular status quo.

Posie, what do you mean? has Goldi just set us up so she can bitch about us on another forum? How did you find her?

Stuff that. Goldi - that's no way to genuinely build bridges between childfree and parents.