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Original poster

Hello from a child-free girl...

443 replies

goldilockz · 16/02/2011 00:20

Hi everyone,

I hope you don't mind me becoming a member of your forums, I must admit I'm rather nervous to be doing so and hope you'll have the patience to read my post through to the end. Briefly, I'm a 26 year old from Scotland who has no children and doesn't want any children (please don't let this put you off!) This was never an issue for me until my long-term boyfriend and I started discussing having children last year. He thinks he wants children while I have never experienced the elusive maternal urge or ticking of the biological clock. While I initially thought that adopting would be a reasonable compromise, I soon came to my senses and realised that a person should not be a compromise and that someone who doesn't want children shouldn't have them when her only reason for doing so would be to maintain her relationship. I discussed this with a few friends, some of whome knew where I was coming from, others who were a bit less accepting of the fact I'm unlikely to change my mind, saying that I've been given a womb for a reason, that my clock will start ticking etc. While I acknowledge that this is a possibility, I know that it's highly unlikely.

My reason for posting is that, since that 'chat' with my boyfriend which obviously caused us both a lot of distress as, lets face it, disagreeing about having children is a deal-breaker, I have become more and more aware of my 'child-free' status and ever more aware of the divisions between women who don't have or want children and women that do. This, admittedly, is something that concerns me. I don't like the idea of going through life judging other people because their decision differs from mine, nor do I want to be defensive and, while I have found websites such as thechildfreelife.com to be helpful, I also think they make one identify more with a child-free persona and being child-free is only a small part of who I am. My reasons for joining this forum is to integrate myself more with people who are not child-free, hopefully make a few friends and perhaps learn something from one another. I don't want to go through life being defensive about not having children or feel I have to justify my choice. I don't want to be labelled as being 'child-free' or the like, but I have noticed that this is something I identify myself with more and more and this upsets me. OK, enough of my waffling. I hope what I've said has made some sense and that I've not offended anyone in the process, as that is completely the opposite of why I'm here. I'm shaking as I write this because I'm very aware of the disparity between women who have children and those who don't and am envisaging a backlash! I hope that doesn't happen and I'm looking forward to your replies.

Goldi xx

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 16/02/2011 10:18

TobyLerone, My post was in response to the OP. Not a general stance. I have a lot to learn about many things, but what do you THINK I should learn from somebody that does not want children? Birth control? What exactly IS there to learn? To ponder whether I in actual fact did not want my children after all? Hindsight in other words? To Be or Not To Be a parent is not something I would usually recommend to ponder AFTER the event.

julesrose · 16/02/2011 10:18

If she was really comfortable with her decision would she really need to stand up and scream about it and insist everyone stops judging her? I think in psychotherapy it's called conflict and projection...Whoever asked her why she doesn't want children is probably right. Not because anyone wants her to justify her decision but perhaps If she figured that out she might me able to let it rest.

Sarsaparilllla · 16/02/2011 10:18

I think it's just a bit bonkers to label people purely on whether they have kids or not, I agree TobyLerone, you're not just their mum any more than my main existence is defined by the fact I happen to have no kids.

Surely there's more to everyone?

Ephiny · 16/02/2011 10:20

This is really weird. I would say the replies on this thread were generally supportive (if a bit confused as to what exactly the OP is looking for here).

Certainly nothing to justify feeling like 'I really wanted to shout explitives at those narrow-minded people', and I don't see where anyone suggested the OP was 'going to hell' for not wanting children or displayed any 'hatred' for her. That's just complete fantasy Confused. I guess people see what they want/expect to see, not what's actually in front of them.

ThePosieParker · 16/02/2011 10:21

Me being a parent is not my personality , but it is a huge part of my life. Being child free is nothing I need to learn from, being a human is of interest, however. Just like I have no desire to talk about why I hate horses with a horse trainer.

noeyedear · 16/02/2011 10:22

She seems to have been very selective in her picking out of the posts- as expected! I always knew I wanted children, probably from my mid 20's anyway. I have lots of child free friends, and I'm the first one to say to them that it's better to NOT have them and regret it than to have them and regret (which some people do! The lack of freedom was a real shock to me, even though I though I had prepared myself by doing all the travelling/ studying etc I wanted before having them) All women with children know what it's like to be without children- those without don't know what it's like to be a mother- it's a fact!

Some people want children, some don't- if you are in a relationship with someone who desperately wants children and you don't, you will have to let them go-the compromise should be NOT to have them, not have them unwanted. If they leave, deal with it. There's no real need for any understanding beyond that, as far as i can see. I don't have as much time for any of my friends, unless they are free during the day and have children to play with my children. I've lost one good friend over this, but she had a real dislike of children and we just drifted apart. I have another friend who's child free, who I see when I can and we are still good friends. We talk about children sometimes, most of the time we don't! I love hearing about all the holidays she goes on! Envy

TobyLerone · 16/02/2011 10:23

I am in no way saying that what the OP has done is right. It's sneaky, immature and underhanded.

I'm just saying that saying something like "I have nothing to learn from someone who doesn't want children" is as narrow-minded as anything that could be said by those on the child-free forums.

We all have something to learn from someone. A blanket statement like "I have nothing to learn from [you]" is arrogant and shows a massive lack of self-awareness. It also fuels the fire.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/02/2011 10:23

I dont label myself first and foremost a "mum". I am so much more. I am sure that childfree people have a lot of interesting things about them, but being childfree is not one of them. That is a label I have never come across until this thread.

ThePosieParker · 16/02/2011 10:23

Case,in point I had no idea that Sas has no dcs, I am interested in her pov as a human being not a human being with no dcs.

Ephiny · 16/02/2011 10:23

QintessentialShadows - do you really think it's impossible that just because someone happens to not have children, there can be nothing at all you could learn from them? They couldn't possibly have any kind of knowledge or life experience that you don't, just because they happen not to have the one particular experience of having children? That's a very odd thing to say IMO.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/02/2011 10:25

Fire is only fuelled if there is a misunderstanding, or a post is not read properly, or if you actually set out to FUEL fire, isnt that so TobyLerone?

Subway · 16/02/2011 10:26

I think it is strange that such a young woman is obsessing about having / not having children. And that her partner is making it into an issue at this stage. YOU ARE TWENTY SEIX, OP. Not 46. Chill the fuck out.

If it is a massive deal breaker for your man, then so be it - you split up. Shit happens. Otherwise, give it ten years. You will almost certainly change your mind. And if you don't, no worries. Most right minded people aren't particularly bothered about how other people live their lives, and if your friends express opinions, it is probably only because they care about you and want to make sure you are making the right choices for your own future happiness.

Oh, and people with multiple, loud children are generally too busy to give a flying fiddle about other people's issues Wink

Subway · 16/02/2011 10:26

twenty SIX even

QuintessentialShadows · 16/02/2011 10:28

The OP said she wanted us to learn from her.

Those on you quizzing me, TobyLerone, Ephiny, etc, I reckon you agree with her, so maybe you can set out to me, seeing as I am ignorant and lack self awareness what exactly a childfree person can teach me, that I can not learn from anybody else? What does "childfree" has to do with anything?
What particular aspect of this is it that I need to learn?

Please explain it to me, because I am really keen to be enlightened.

Subway · 16/02/2011 10:28

...and just to add, I have plenty of child free friends in their 30s, 40s and 50s. What's the problem?

ThePosieParker · 16/02/2011 10:30

The OP identifies herself only by choosing to be CF, she neither talks about other interests/hobbies or relationship issues. Therefore when QS says she has nothing to learn I thnk it's fair comment. If the OP was discussing anything else I'm sure she'd be welcome and her opinion valid.

ShirleyKnot · 16/02/2011 10:30

I would love to know who all these people are who hate childfree people. I have never ever met one.

Of course, I think that anyone who doesn't want children is just a massive cunt, but that's just me. [deadpan]

TobyLerone · 16/02/2011 10:32

"I am sure that childfree people have a lot of interesting things about them, but being childfree is not one of them."

Ok. Now change that sentence a little:

"I am sure that mothers have a lot of interesting things about them, but being mothers is not one of them."

I'm sure many of you would disagree with that statement. (Personally, I wouldn't, but that's just me).

I can't bear the fact that a lot of women think that motherhood defines them and makes them special/better than those who have chosen not to have children.

TobyLerone · 16/02/2011 10:33

Wow, QS, that was a little passive-aggressive!

People have things to teach you. The fact that they have children or do not have children should be no more of a factor in the things you can learn from them than the colour of their skin.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/02/2011 10:36

TobyLerone, thank you. That is exactly my point! Smile

PEOPLE teach me things. Nothing to do with being "childfree".

QuintessentialShadows · 16/02/2011 10:38

"I am sure that mothers have a lot of interesting things about them, but being mothers is not one of them."

Who do you think would agree most with that sentiment?

FWIW, I agree.

Ephiny · 16/02/2011 10:39

QS, unless you're a world expert on absolutely every aspect of human knowledge, I can guarantee that there is someone out there who doesn't have children but knows something you don't. For example I am learning a lot from my supervisor at work, who is extremely knowledgeable, experienced and well-respected in our particular area of research and I'm very lucky to have the opportunity of working with her. I could not learn this stuff from 'anyone else'. But should I tell her I have nothing to learn from her, because she happens not to have any children? That's one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard on here (which is saying something!).

Subway · 16/02/2011 10:40

Who thinks that?@TobyLeRone. You are massively projecting, or at least, making huge leaps!

I would hazard a guess that very few women think that motherhood defines them. However, having children is a massive, life changing event that obviously does alter your priorities and values and lifestyle. Choosing to not have children doesn't change anything. Do you see the difference?

I agree with Shirley. I do not know a single parent who would criticise or look down on a happily childess person. Most of us are just a bit jealous of all the lie-ins and hot sex you are still having

ThePosieParker · 16/02/2011 10:40

Toby..I think you're being rather obtuse and trying to cause conflict where there is none. Do you think if I introduced myself as a mother and little else to a group of child free 50somethings they would have a great interest in me? Or would I be better off talking about my varied life that may or may not include children?

ThePosieParker · 16/02/2011 10:41

Stop attacking QS....I agree that there's much to learn from everyone, but having never missed a period and not cooing at babies is not something I really need to learn about.