Hello from a child-free girl...

[goldilockz]

Hi everyone,

I hope you don't mind me becoming a member of your forums, I must admit I'm rather nervous to be doing so and hope you'll have the patience to read my post through to the end. Briefly, I'm a 26 year old from Scotland who has no children and doesn't want any children (please don't let this put you off!) This was never an issue for me until my long-term boyfriend and I started discussing having children last year. He thinks he wants children while I have never experienced the elusive maternal urge or ticking of the biological clock. While I initially thought that adopting would be a reasonable compromise, I soon came to my senses and realised that a person should not be a compromise and that someone who doesn't want children shouldn't have them when her only reason for doing so would be to maintain her relationship. I discussed this with a few friends, some of whome knew where I was coming from, others who were a bit less accepting of the fact I'm unlikely to change my mind, saying that I've been given a womb for a reason, that my clock will start ticking etc. While I acknowledge that this is a possibility, I know that it's highly unlikely.

My reason for posting is that, since that 'chat' with my boyfriend which obviously caused us both a lot of distress as, lets face it, disagreeing about having children is a deal-breaker, I have become more and more aware of my 'child-free' status and ever more aware of the divisions between women who don't have or want children and women that do. This, admittedly, is something that concerns me. I don't like the idea of going through life judging other people because their decision differs from mine, nor do I want to be defensive and, while I have found websites such as thechildfreelife.com to be helpful, I also think they make one identify more with a child-free persona and being child-free is only a small part of who I am. My reasons for joining this forum is to integrate myself more with people who are not child-free, hopefully make a few friends and perhaps learn something from one another. I don't want to go through life being defensive about not having children or feel I have to justify my choice. I don't want to be labelled as being 'child-free' or the like, but I have noticed that this is something I identify myself with more and more and this upsets me. OK, enough of my waffling. I hope what I've said has made some sense and that I've not offended anyone in the process, as that is completely the opposite of why I'm here. I'm shaking as I write this because I'm very aware of the disparity between women who have children and those who don't and am envisaging a backlash! I hope that doesn't happen and I'm looking forward to your replies.

Goldi xx

Posie: You're right in that part of the reason I'm here is to look for acceptance but also to accept my own decision.
Popcrackle: I'm not looking for any ideas for a study. My masters dissertation is on mindfulness meditation and anxiety disorders so being on the boards is a break from my studies. That's fine if you doubt my authenticity, I guess you can never be certain of the authenticity of anyone who posts on boards.

'Clearly, that's not good enough for some people though but I don't really care.'

Good. Very pleased to hear it. Women are taught to 'please' from a very young age. You really don't need to do it.

Perhaps you could post on the feminist topic for examples of writings about women being castigated for not having children. I can't remember any at the moment. Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution by Adrienne Rich may also interest you.

Thanks Earwicga. I agree that women are taught to please from an early age and to gain security from outside sources rather than from within themselves. Of Woman Born has officially been added to my Amazon basket. Have you read 'The Mommy Myth'?

Not everyone who has children got broody, or always wanted them - think when you are young EVERYTHING you think or view seems black and white - the older I got I found it all becomes more shades of grey

That's kind of how I feel, I'm honestly not keen on babies and the idea of being resposnsible for a small baby 24/7 fills me with a kind of dread, BUT I like older kids, when they've got their own personalities and are more 'interactive'!? (not sure if that's the right word :o )

Plus I have a great relationship with my mum now I'm an adult, I'd like to have that one day with a child of my own

Sarsaparilllla: I can identify with this. I'm not a fan of babies and don't even find them cute, definitely not as cute as puppies or kittens. I do like older children though when they are more individual and you can embrace your own childishness by spending time with them. They can be pretty exhausting though!

No, I haven't read The Mommy Myth, but I guess I would read it nodding along. Tbh, I'm more interested in queer feminism as it cuts straight to the chase about breaking down the imagined gender binary.

I'm a beginnger in feminism, in what way does queer feminism cut to the chase?

It challenges the categories 'man' and 'woman' and the things each seperate category is supposed to do. i.e. woman is supposed to bear babies.

In reality there is a spectrum of sexes and genders - meaning a spectrum of behaviours.

But this isn't the dominant view on MN Feminism - I've actually blocked the topic as I really really dislike the deterministic views some of the dominant posters hold there. And life is too short to be constantly irritated :)

I really like the idea that gender isn't necessarily categorical and have never heard of the spectrum before. I like being female but sometimes I find it difficult to conform to certain feminine behaviours. I actually have a friend who has given me quite an insight into gender roles. 'She' considers herself neither male nor female and has never worn makeup, shaved her legs or worn a dress (in her adult life). She's really admirable.

Sprogger: Your story is really interesting as it's given me the impression that my idea of mothers as being very maternal, very comfortable around children and very family-oriented isn't true in a lot of cases. I have to admit, the idea of giving birth scares me sh*tless. I don't know how people can do it, and often more than once! I find cramps painful enough! I know mothers say 'it's all worth it in the end' but, taken alone, it's the most petrifying, traumatic thing I can think of. I have heard that women are so traumatised afterwards that they repress any memory of childbirth if they want more children.

I do too goldi. I have found queer and trans feminism immensely liberating.

Re all this maternal stuff - I was in and out of hospital during my twin pregnancy because of high blood pressure. On one of my trips I was given a new born to hold by another mother and I felt absolutely nothing - just what do I do with this? Maternal feelings are a learnt behaviour.

Earwicga: could that be to do with the fact the baby wasn't your own? I have one particular friend who is constantly going on about how she's so broody, how she's desperate for a baby, that having children is why she was put on this earth etc. I just assumed that all eventual mothers have these feelings (maybe to a lesser extent).

I never thought I would have kids, never broody, the thought of being responsible for another life 24/7 and possibly screwing that life up, losing my freedom, being able to be totally selfish and and having to basically grow up and join adulthood was bloody terrifying. Then I met my husband and we both thought having kids in a relationship was probably a natural progression but still years down the line didn't feel the impetus to do anything about it - I don't know if my broody, maternal side would ever have kicked in and if the time would ever be right until I fell pregnant. I did feel that I might feel sad one day at never experiencing being a mother. I'm so glad the choice was taken out of my hands or might never have had my beautiful children, you can really overthink these things and with modern life and contraception and abortion I'm more surprised anyone ever really has the balls to conscientiously make that decision to have children.

Begonyabampot (am I sensing Glaswegian in your name? I'm from Glasgow and bampot's a regular used expression!) I have definitely been overthinking things and the fact that I thought I'd 100%, definitely made a decision probably scared me a little because there's no room for manoeuvre. I think I'm gradually easing off and realising that what's right for me now may or may not be what I want in 10 years time. Usually uncertainty freaks me out but in this case, it's letting me relax a little. A lot of what posters here have made me see that I'm not so different from mothers after all. A fear of childbirth and lack of broodiness doesn't necessarily mean I'm never going to have children. This kind of scares me in a way!

I wasn't broody, and have a 6 months old I adore. I knew I wanted children one day, DH and I were settled, there is no right time and he wanted them. So why not? Difference being I knew I would never,ever regret having them and that I wanted them one day. Broody to me implies a desperate urge.

A friend tells me she didn't start enjoying her children until they were a few years old and they were more interactive, she wasn't a 'baby person'. She loved them, would have done anything for them obviously. I understand that, once DD started smiling more, responding etc I definitely found the relationship more rewarding. I guess I mean that some people just aren't baby people, but still love being parents.

I think 32 is too young to call time to be honest (am just 30 now so am not being patronising, we're similar in age), you say you are sure but you seem quite easily swayed and I know how easy it is to get caught up in an identity, it is great to have something that you feel you are a part of, something to belong to. Do you think that this is why you have attached yourself to 'child free' status, despite being of an age at which many haven't even started thinking of children yet? (Can't be free of something most haven't got, if you see what I mean.)

Ooh I didn't ever want children until I found myself pregnant and miscarried. That was in my mid thirties. Then I went the other way.

I think there is a fundamental difference between wanting to have a family and wanting to have babies (and I imagine that fairly few women actively want to give birth).

I was never very keen on other people's babies, and although I thought that I should love mine ever so much I quickly found that I'm really just not a baby person. So those first few years were something of a struggle. However I find children get more and more interesting and engaging as they get older, which is fabulous, as that's the rest of their lives. dh and I have toyed with the idea of having a bigger family, but there is no way we'd go down the baby route again.

DH and I have been together for 20 years, since we were 17. I never wanted children, he knew this, and the topic never really came up after that. I never felt broody, I tolerated children but really never felt any connection but never even thought about why that was and certainly didn't feel like I needed to discuss my need/want to be childless. At our 18th year, DH said casually that maybe it would be nice to have a family. I actually thought, ya, maybe it would. Not because a clock was ticking or anything, just that it would be nice to. We got pregnant in 3 months of 'trying'. I had an uneventful pregnancy, uneventful birth and things for the most part, have been pretty good for the last two years. Having second now, but I'll tell ya, there won't be any more after this one. I just don't have it in me. But I am glad I have my own little family, and life is taking on new directions all the time. I am confident though that I wouldn't have made a decent mother when I was 26 compared to being 38. Much different mindset (particularly after 5 degrees) and more life experiences. I do believe becoming a mother has saved my liver.

"I have heard that women are so traumatised afterwards that they repress any memory of childbirth if they want more children."

Well, it's not quite like that. It's just that pain is quite difficult to remember. If you can think of a time when you were in a lot of pain you can think to yourself "oh yes, that was painful" but you can't relive it, can you?

And yes, your brain does soft-focus the whole experience afterwards a bit. But that's not trauma repression in the way that you mean. It's the human body doing its thing. And it's no biggie.

If you do have children (and I realise that's a pretty enormous "if" at the moment) an elective c-section's not out of the question. But remember, people do tend to give birth more than once! It's an experience in a class of its own and now's probably not the time to go into it but I really wouldn't think about it until and if children are on the agenda.

If I could return to my earlier advice - why don't you put all this right out of your mind for at least two years and concentrate on travelling to exotic places / partying / drinking / all the things I can't do regularly with an 18 month old?

Not to say you can't do all this once you've got children but it requires a lot of planning. If you do have children you'll wonder why you spent your freedom years thinking about all this rather than just enjoying the stage of life you're at!

Goldi - another one here who never felt broody. I actually was pretty bothered on the day I went in to be induced, and phoned various friends, because I didn't think I really wanted this baby after all. And yet it all changed the minute he was there.

I know you are still pretty certain that you will remain childless - I am in no way trying to change your mind. However, if you cast a quick eye over the pregnancy board on here, you'll find a lot of people who are already pregnant have "birth fear". I had it myself, in spades. But there are ways to deal with it. There are ways to deal with the pain. So I guess what I am saying is that IMO birth fear on its own is possibly not a firm enough basis on which to set your mind to never having children - but if it IS firm enough to you, then that's ok for you too.

I also have a friend who had her DS at 38 after years of swearing that she would never have DC. She had been with her DH since she was 17 - they were together about 14y before they got married and it was another few years before they had their DS. She couldn't be happier as a mum now - but I doubt she would have enjoyed it in her 20s or even her early 30s.

Why do you care so much about other people having children? I'm sure nobody cares that you don't! There is such a thing as free choice in life, you know!

Its fine not to want children, its your decision and a very personal thing. If you love children then try to have some, if you dont like kids, whats the point.?