Hello from a child-free girl...

[goldilockz]

Hi everyone,

I hope you don't mind me becoming a member of your forums, I must admit I'm rather nervous to be doing so and hope you'll have the patience to read my post through to the end. Briefly, I'm a 26 year old from Scotland who has no children and doesn't want any children (please don't let this put you off!) This was never an issue for me until my long-term boyfriend and I started discussing having children last year. He thinks he wants children while I have never experienced the elusive maternal urge or ticking of the biological clock. While I initially thought that adopting would be a reasonable compromise, I soon came to my senses and realised that a person should not be a compromise and that someone who doesn't want children shouldn't have them when her only reason for doing so would be to maintain her relationship. I discussed this with a few friends, some of whome knew where I was coming from, others who were a bit less accepting of the fact I'm unlikely to change my mind, saying that I've been given a womb for a reason, that my clock will start ticking etc. While I acknowledge that this is a possibility, I know that it's highly unlikely.

My reason for posting is that, since that 'chat' with my boyfriend which obviously caused us both a lot of distress as, lets face it, disagreeing about having children is a deal-breaker, I have become more and more aware of my 'child-free' status and ever more aware of the divisions between women who don't have or want children and women that do. This, admittedly, is something that concerns me. I don't like the idea of going through life judging other people because their decision differs from mine, nor do I want to be defensive and, while I have found websites such as thechildfreelife.com to be helpful, I also think they make one identify more with a child-free persona and being child-free is only a small part of who I am. My reasons for joining this forum is to integrate myself more with people who are not child-free, hopefully make a few friends and perhaps learn something from one another. I don't want to go through life being defensive about not having children or feel I have to justify my choice. I don't want to be labelled as being 'child-free' or the like, but I have noticed that this is something I identify myself with more and more and this upsets me. OK, enough of my waffling. I hope what I've said has made some sense and that I've not offended anyone in the process, as that is completely the opposite of why I'm here. I'm shaking as I write this because I'm very aware of the disparity between women who have children and those who don't and am envisaging a backlash! I hope that doesn't happen and I'm looking forward to your replies.

Goldi xx

Oh but Shirley you must. They're different from us. Genetically, emotionally, spiritually. If we don't integrate then we can't assimilate. Make them at one with the parenting borg.

I wonder was she actually trying to promote the website she mentions?

God no. Next you'll be suggesting I stop sneering at people who don't eat vegetables, and I won't do that Show.

I won't.

How silly.

Just had a quick look at the TCFL website. Seems like a funny thing to devote a website to - I mean, the absence of something.

We don't have a dog or a cat, but I don't feel the need to go on a forum to discuss it!

The idea that you would need to chat to like minded people is one thing, but to base the chat around not having children is most bizarre.

OH dear. I have visited that thread on their forum - it is not funny. None so blind as those who don't want to see, eh.

This is the justification line:
"Of course parents on a parenting forum for which parenting is their main interest are going to act hostile. I don't understand why of course, because I would welcome such people with open arms and all I was trying to do was gain an understanding of them and hope to dispel some myths about CF people."

FFS. I am on a parenting forum, not because parenting is my main interest - if it were I'd probably be on Nethuns - but because I get a good range of topics to discuss with people of all different walks of life and opinions, some with children, some with not, some who want them and some who don't. Jeez.

And seriously - who needs to have "myths about CF people" dispelled? I cannot be the only person who has at least one childfree friend? Or perhaps, perhaps I'm not able to talk to that friend because hey, I've got a child, and I couldn't possibly speak to the childfree friend with anything other than patronising condescension.

As it happens, I have 3 childfree friends, with varying levels of child-dislike - and all of whom I can talk to without implying that they have made a mistake, will come around to it, don't know what they're missing etc.
We have other things to talk about FFS!

OK, I shouldn't have visited their site but I wanted to see what she was saying over there and it's such a load of shite.

And the loathing for people with children on that website is quite shocking.

There are plenty of prolific "child-free" mumsnet posters - am I right in thinking Trillian and Abs are two of these? They are well respected, well liked posters, and no-one would ever say "oh I have nothing to learn from that person because they don't have children". We ALL could learn something from each other. What QS meant is "I have nothing to learn about not having children" - because she's been there, done that. It doesn't mean she/we aren't willing to learn about other things that person has to say, but talking solely about 'not having children' to someone who does, is a little irrelevant.

i have read a post by this goldilocks in the tcfl website and she complains about a woman breastfeeding in front of everyone at a BBQ in someone's back garden, saying she finds it "a repulsive represantation of womankind".
www.thechildfreelife.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=7567&p=106286&hilit=goldilocks#p106286
Now that's a good start for someone wanting to understand mothers LOL

IMO She's got issues.

Also, also - "gain an understanding of them" - we're not some species of fucking bug that needs a nature show on how we live our lives, what makes us different from the people without children!!

op,

what a shame, because i really enjoyed reading your post. You are free to be child free, noone cares really. Why did you post such an interesting question, intro and then take 3 answers and report back to your other forum.

Very very odd behaviour. You would have had loads of great chats here.

i take my niceness back.

breastfeeding 'a repulsive represantation of womankind'.

op you are full of hatred, very gullible and childish.

What a bizarre OP. I wonder if she will live to regret all the things she has said?

I think the OP is obsessing about the fact she doesn't want children because her boyfriend thinks he does (but only at some vague, undefined point in the future). It seems to have made her a little paranoid.

I didn't want kids for ages but I never walked around bleating about it, or feeling oppressed by people with children. I also have quite a few friends who don't want children, and they don't bang on about it either. The OP definitely has ishoos, but they're not the ones she thinks.

You sneer at people who don't eat vegetables Shirley? Disgusting. You could at least spit at them.

have never experienced the elusive maternal urge or ticking of the biological clock

Maybe thats because you are only 26!

I dont understand why being 'chilfree' is such a big deal or differentiator to you.

I have plenty of child free friends and we have lots of common ground, and of course some differences in lifestyle. But the key point is I dont want their life and they dont want mine, however we are still great friends.

You may however find it difficult to find a like minded partner.

OP you don't feel an urge now as you are still pretty young. I didn't start getting strong urges till I was 32, getting married and settling down. I think most people your age probably don't have urges either.

However I think many people your age would be saying "well, I don't want children now but I definitely do in the future when the time is right". That's certainly how I was - assumed I would have a family in due course. So perhaps there is something in the strength of your feelings at the moment.

I do actually understand people who don't want children being annoyed by the response 'you might change your mind'. Because while it's literally true (and in fact so obvious it doesn't really need to be said) and anyone might change their mind about anything, it's not really helpful and they've likely heard it 100 times before.

I agree with whoever said the OP could have come on MN to discuss lots of non-child-related things, e.g. the books or 'style and beauty' or food or pets or current affairs/politics or general chat forums and I'm sure no one would have demanded to know whether she had/wanted children or made a big deal of it, and she would have easily 'integrated' with lots of 'people who are not child-free'. Actually the feminist forum might have been a good place for an interesting discussion about how women who choose not to have children are perceived and why that is!

Seems to me that the only person making an issue out of her child-free 'status' is the OP herself , no one else has a problem with it. She seems very obsessed with children and mothers/parents for someone who is supposedly happily child-free and has no interest in the subject.

Those 'childfree forum' types are weird obsessives. I can't help wondering why they are so angry about it all.

I have friends who have never had children because they didn't want them, but they don't feel the need to be vile towards mothers. I wonder why these forum types do? Says a lot about them and their insecurities imo.

And what about fathers? Are they in the firing line as well? I suspect not.

I NEVER wanted children just like you, always liked being a free spirit, going on holidays, great social life etc... THEN .....

"Once upon a time at the grand old age of 37 I woke up one morning and PING I had this sudden urge to be a mummy"

I cherish my DS and do regret leaving it so late as we will only have him (Im now 44 and hub is 49).

So the moral of the story is wait and see what life gives you, enjoy life and one day you never know you may wake up one morning and PING!!!!

duh, now read the rest of the thread. Oh well. Good luck to you OP - if you don't want kids, don't have them. What's the issue?

For myself I found out I was expecting no.2 yesterday and am cloud 9. Swings and roundabouts.

May I just drag my own personal prejudice into the mix here? Thank you.

26 is not a "girl". It's a woman. Anyone over 18 is, technically, a woman. I used to grind my teeth terribly over sports reports that referred to all female practitioners as "girls" even when they were in their 40s (eg marathon runners) but males as "men" even when they were under 18. XH used to call me "girl" when he was being particularly condescending (sometimes prefaced by "silly"). It's not dignified and it's not correct.

If you want to be treated as a grown-up you can start be referring to yourself as one.

On the other hand, if you want to be treated as a child in your mid-twenties - tough. You're too late, mate. You ain't one.

OK, maybe that was a bit aggressive. So sue me.

To add to my last post, I can completely understand why women who don't want children might want a community of their own - there is still substantial societal pressure on women in particular to procreate, and I know how uncomfortable and worrying it can feel (I didn't want children for many years).

But it's the hate speech element I object to.

You havent experienced the maternal itch because you are 26 years young. At 26 I didn't want children ever, was dead against the idea, like you I said "I'd adopt and give a needy child a home" - like a rescue dog.

Now I'm 34 I have the maternal itch, still scared as hell about having my own kids, but wouldn't adopt unless I couldn't have my own. Having been a stepmum to two small boys, it is very tough raising other peoples children.

You will look back on your views when you are in your mid thirties and realise that it's not an either/or situation.